"Are we there yet?" Kirsty asked an hour into the drive. Penny, Ross and Liam were sound asleep while Chris was concentrating on the old dirt, potholed filled road.
          "No," Julia replied.
          "Oh, are we there yet?"
          "No."
          "How bout now? We there now?"
          "No."
          "Jools?"
          "Yes?"
          "Are we there?"
          "Do we look like we're there?"
          "How the fuck should I know? I don't even know where we're going remember? I was cruelly dragged out of bed at the crack of dawn."
          "That's hardly my fault you know."
          "Actually it's all your fault. You're the one that rang me and got me up."
          "You tell her honey," Ross muttered, his head in her lap.
          "Jools?"
          "No we're not there yet Kirsty."
          "I wasn't going to ask that."
          "What were you going to ask then?"
          "Why haven't we arrived yet?"
          "Will you just shut the fuck up before I throw something at you," Julia spat as she turned around and glared at Kirsty.
          She was silent for a few seconds. "Are we there yet?"
          "That's it!" Julia picked up the first thing she found, which happened to be the street directory and threw it at Kirsty. It missed and smacked Ross in the head. He grabbed it, rolled it up and then smacked Julia on the top of the head with it as hard as he could.
          "You bastard!" Julia spat as she quickly undid her seatbelt and grabbed the other end of the directory. The two wrestled around for about ten minutes before pages started flying out.
          "What are you two doing?" Chris asked, half turning so he could see what was happening. Ross yanked the directory out of Julia's hands and quickly shoved it under the seat, along with the discarded pages.
          "Will you kids behave," Penny groused.
          "Kids?" Kirsty mused.
          "Ross you can swap with your brother…Liam…you can swap with Liam, if you don't settle down."
          "I think Penny's having subconscious family thoughts," Kirsty mused.
          "I think Pen would make a great mother," Chris chided.
          "I'm not having anything your mother can influence," Penny groused. "I'm already worried about my cat."
          "My mother hasn't seen your cat."
          "Give her time. I think she's gotten to Bear already. That dog's been acting very peculiar the last few days."
          "Don't you like Chris's mum?" Ross asked curiously.
          "It's not that I don't like her, but I'm not comfortable having something Buffy slayed as a potential mother-in-law."
          "Vampire or some other type of demon?" Chris asked.
          "If we're starting to discuss Buffy I'm going out the window," Kirsty grumbled. "Moving vehicle or not."
          "She doesn't wear those little hot pants enough," Ross sighed.
          "That's it! I'm going out the window. Hey, what's with the child-proof lock?" Kirsty pouted.
          "They're for stopping stupid blondes from jumping out the window," Julia chided.
          "You're a bitch you know that?" Kirsty groused. "Hey Jools?"
          "What?"
          "Are we there yet?"
          "Right I'm going out the window!" she announced as she pressed the button to open the window.

          "Why are we in Blanchetown? We headed towards the hills. That's South. We've turned North. If we keep going we'll be in Victoria," Penny rambled.
          "Well lucky for you we're not continuing much further. We're going to go until we find a place to stop and have our picnic," Chris declared as he started driving slowly through the town.
          It was a short time later that he pulled up near a bridge beside a grassy area that was a picnic ground, overlooking the Murray River.
          "We're here," Julia perked.
          "Great I need a piss," Kirsty and Ross both announced as they climbed out of the car.
          "So you two are sharing a bladder now?" Penny asked.
          "Sharing the bladder's not too bad but it's the bowel I'm worried about," Ross sighed.
          "Oh you're just…wrong," Kirsty giggled.
          "Come on woman before I explode," Ross declared as he grabbed her hand and led her away. They wandered around the picnic grounds for ten minutes before the same thought dawned on them.
          "There's no toilet block," Kirsty whined.
          "How observant of you blondie."
          "Would you like me to help you evacuate your bladder through your eyeballs?"
          "Not today. I like my bladder the way it is thankyou."
          "Full to bursting?"
          "So what are we gonna do?" Ross asked.
          "Find a bush."
          "The same bush?"
          "No, not the same bush."
          "I thought you wanted us to share?"
          "Yes but not bodily functions."
          "There's one bodily funct…"
          "Yes we're not going there."
          "Fine then. I'm going this way, and no peeking."
          "Like I would," Kirsty sighed and wandered in the opposite direction to find a bush.

          Julia spread out the picnic blanket and as soon as she had done so Liam lay down on it and went back to sleep.
          "Well you're going to be a joy to be with today," she sighed.
          "It'd be more joyful if you'd shut up and let me sleep," he grumbled.
          "You think so? Thanks so much for appreciating this outing we've organised," she sarced as she reached out and grabbed a bottle of ice cold water and undid the lid. She knelt next to him and tipped the bottle over his head.
          "What the fuck are you doing?" he yelped as he sat up.
          "Oh did I spill my water on you? So sorry."
          "You'll be sorry you did that."
          "You think so?" Julia asked. "What are you going to do? Snore at me? Drool on my shoes? Count sheep until I explode?"
          "Not warn you about the ants nest you've put the picnic basket on," he retorted.
          "SHIT!" Julia yelped as she pulled the basket off the ants. Liam chuckled as he lay back down on the blanket.
          "You are not going back to sleep," she informed him.
          "How are you going to stop me?"
          "I'll insert a picnic fork up your arse."
          "What?"
          "Nothing. I was admiring the nice grass."
          "Right."
          "And I'll insert the picnic spoon while I'm at it."
          "What?"
          "No moon. There's no moon."
          "It's one o'clock in the afternoon."
          "You don’t have to try and rhyme with me you know."
          "What?"
          "Oh go back to sleep."

          After devouring the picnic everyone was feeling rather lazy, apart from Julia, who'd decided she needed to go find a bush of her own.
          "Such a gorgeous picnic spot," Chris gushed.
          "Oh it's just fabulous," Kirsty sarced.
          "Why don't you just go and get your camera so you can take photos and preserve the moment?" Penny added.
          "Oh yeah, then we can have a slide night at Chris's house to relive the experience," Ross piped up.
          "I'll bring the beer," Liam chirped, as a squeal rang out. It was shortly followed by a splash.
          Kirsty sat up. "Was that Jools?"
          "She's fallen in," Penny giggled.
          "Maybe a dingo got her," Liam sniggered.
          "Should we make sure she hasn't hit her head on a rock and drowned or something?" Kirsty asked
          "Go on then sweetie," Ross yawned. Kirsty got up and made her way along the riverbank until she saw Julia sitting in the Murray up to her neck and picking the slime off her glasses.
          "You look like such an idiot," Kirsty cackled.
          "So do you and you're not even wet," Julia retorted.
          "And to think I was gonna help you out," Kirsty shook her head and held out her hand for Julia to take. Julia reached up, grabbed Kirsty's hand, and in one swift movement pulled her into the water.
          "Was that Kirsty?" Penny asked after another squeal had rung out from down the riverbank.
          "I bet Jools pulled her in," Chris mused.
          "That or the dingo that got Jools got her too," Liam announced.
          "I'll go and sort this out," Ross sighed as he got up and made his way down the riverbank. It wasn't long before he found Kirsty and Julia sitting side by side in the murky water flicking slime at each other.
          "You two should be careful in there. There could be any number of submerged logs and if you get caught under one of them you'll drown when the water level rises," Ross announced.
          "That's hilarious Ross," Kirsty perked.
          "Especially since it's summer and Australia is in a drought which means that the water level is going to drop and not rise," Julia added.
          "I'm no geologist," Ross groused.
          "A geologist is someone who looks at rocks," Kirsty informed him.
          "I know, I know. Here, come on, I'll help you out," Ross held out his hands to the two women. Julia and Kirsty looked at each other out of the corner of their eyes and promptly pulled Ross into the water with them. He glared at them both.
          "I hope you're both eaten by flesh eating trout," he huffed.
          "Was that Ross?" Liam asked.
          "Oh probably," Penny sighed.
          "I'm not going to see what they're up to or else they'll drag me into the filthy water too," Chris announced.
          "Looks like I'm the one going to check on them then," Liam mused as he got up and wandered off down the riverbank.
          "You know, we could just drive off and leave the others if we wanted," Penny mused, lying back on the picnic rug and looking up at Chris.
          "I thought they were your friends."
          "I've been trying to lose them for years, but it just hasn't worked. They just keep turning up on the doorstep."
          "Come on then. Let’s get this packed up and into the car then."
          "You serious?" Penny asked.
          "I wouldn't have suggested it if I wasn't."
          "Let's go then!" Penny grinned as the pair started packing everything up. They piled it all into the car, hopped in and took off a little way up the road.

          Liam, Kirsty, Julia and Ross were all sitting in the Murray when they heard a car drive off.
          "Was that a car?" Julia asked.
          "No it was a motorised wombat," Ross jeered.
          "I didn't know you could get motorised ones," Kirsty announced. "I could do with one of those in the house."
          "What do you need another small furry animal for? You've already got Ross," Julia chided.
          "I'm just like an otter," Ross declared, jumping up and shaking himself.
          "So much hair the water just flies off," Liam laughed.
          "I'm so not upset that we did our best to wipe out your ancestors," Ross muttered.
          "Fuck off you bastard," Liam spat.
          "I'm sorry. Am I treading on sacred land? Have I defiled the spot where some decrepit old woman turned into a gecko and created dirt and became the spirit of topsoil?" Ross sniped.
          "Ross I think at this moment you should remember that Liam's a lot bigger and stronger than you are," Julia warned.
          "You don't hear me defiling your beliefs," Liam growled.
          "Oh yeah. Jesus. He was a travelling fucking evangelist that was nailed to a cross. We believe in burning foliage. I don't think you can mock it much more than we already do," Ross ranted. Kirsty was giggling hysterically.
          "You've so gotta use that in your act," she informed him.
          "Well, so really, our belief that some guy decided to put two of every animal into a boat is similar to your belief that some old guy turned into a snake and created a major waterway," Julia announced.
          "You know, I think we're missing the point here," Liam mused.
          "Which is?" Ross asked.
          "They've fucked off and left us!"
          "Oh yeah. Hey they have. Bastards," Julia scowled.
          "Looks like we're walking then," Kirsty sighed as she hauled herself out of the river.
          "But it's thirty eight degrees. I'll melt!" Ross whined.
          "At least our clothes will dry quickly," Kirsty shrugged as she started walking towards the highway. The others got out of the water and promptly followed her.
          "I haven't got anything to drink. I'll dehydrate in fucking Blanchetown," Ross whimpered.
          "Oh why don't you suck some of the water out of your clothes before they dry off. Then you won't dehydrate," Kirsty suggested.
          "Cos I know what was in the water," Ross grinned evilly.
          "Ew, Ross," Kirsty winced.

          "It's hot. Shall we go back and pick them up?" Penny asked.
          "No. They're not getting into my car dripping wet. We'll wait til they're dry then go back for them," Chris declared, as they sat parked only a short distance away.
          "I'm not used to this cruel vindictive side of you Christopher," Penny announced.
          "I'm sorry."
          "No. I quite like it," she cooed, slipping a hand onto his thigh.
          "We don't have to go back and get the others just yet," Chris mused.
          "What are you suggesting?" she asked innocently.
          "There's condoms and a copy of the Kama Sutra in the glove compartment."
          "Oh honey you think of everything," Penny smiled.
          "Even the chapstick," he added mischievously as they fell into a kiss.

          "How far have we walked?" Ross asked.
          "About five hundred metres," Liam replied.
          "It feels like five hundred days."
          "Spot the city boy," Kirsty sighed.
          "I just want you all to know I'm chafing," Julia announced.
          "Well, that's a sexy image," Liam winced.
          "I'm chafing too," Ross pouted. "You should see my testicles."
          "I'd rather not," Julia frowned.
          "Like marbles in a coin purse," Kirsty added.
          "How would you like it if I made a derogatory comment about your breasts?" Ross asked.
          "Go on then."
          "They're…They're…Can we keep walking now?"
          "Well, at least he's not whining now," Julia murmured.
          "That's cos all the blood's rushed from his head," Kirsty chirped.
          "You could never tell," Liam jeered.
          "Hey, isn't that Chris's car parked over there in the shade?" Julia asked, pointing to the vehicle.
          "I believe it is," Kirsty nodded as the quartet looked closely at the car.
          "I'm assuming that it's not an earthquake causing it to rock like that," Ross mused.
          "Maybe they both farted and are trying to escape from the smell?" Julia suggested.
          "Are you really that stupid?" Ross asked her.
          "It could be really stinky," Julia stared at him blankly.
          "And they think that she's the blonde," Ross shook his head and pointed to Kirsty.
          "Hey!" Kirsty looked slightly offended.
          "So, who's gonna approach the car and interrupt something that they possibly don't want to see?" Liam asked.
          "Oh well since you're offering mate," Ross chirped and pointed the way to the car.
          "Gee thanks. This is the highlight of my day," Liam groused as he made his way over to the car. He quickly peeked in the window and hurried back to the others.
          "Well?" Ross asked.
          "That's quite a skill Pen has."
          "So what do we do?" Kirsty asked.
          "Give them about a minute I reckon," Liam replied. "They should be done by then."
          "What was Pen doing?" Ross asked. Liam whispered something in Ross's ear. His eyes widened and he gasped. "Oh my god," he looked to Kirsty. "Why don't you do that?"
          "What is it?" Kirsty asked.
          "Do you remember those ads on TV where those camels were driving that Torago?"
          "Yeah. Why?"
          "No reason. I was just wondering if you remembered it."
          "Ross you're an idiot," Kirsty sighed.
          "What's she kneeling up for?" Julia asked, squinting to get a better look then letting out a squeal. "Oh my god! Everyone turn away. Face the bushes."
          "Isn't that what Chris is doing?" Ross mused.
          "Not from what I saw," Liam added.
          "Can we not discuss this please," Kirsty winced.
          "At least you didn't get the visual," Julia replied. "Why can't Chris be normal and just go to sleep?"
          "No man is that virile. At least, no-one I've ever slept with," Kirsty pondered.
          "Thanks Honey," Ross glared at her.
          "Maybe you just haven't found the right man yet?" Julia suggested and received glares from both Kirsty and Ross.
          "Right. That's it! I'm going to disturb the love fest," Ross declared, and with one hand covering his eyes, he approached the car and banged on the window with his other hand. "Stop playing hotdog hide and seek." There were some muffled yelps from within the car, along with quite a lot of profanities, before a window was partially wound down and Penny poked her head out.
          "How much did you see?"
          "Enough to know you're a natural blonde," Ross mused still covering his eyes.
          "How many of you saw?"
          "Well you weren't exactly being discreet about it you know."
          "Have you guys dried off yet?" Chris asked.
          "I think the real question is have you?" Ross mocked. "Must be fucking dripping in there."
          "You keep that up and we won’t be taking you lot home," Chris threatened.
          "Promises, promises," Ross sighed. "According to the girls, you're so virile you could change gears with your dick."
          "How would they know?" Penny asked.
          "Haven't I already mentioned you weren't discreet?"
          "For crying out loud. Just get in the car and we'll go home," Chris sighed.
          "I'll get in as soon as you put your pants back on."

          Kirsty and Ross were walking up the stairs to Ross's apartment talking animatedly.
          "So, did you enjoy that?" Kirsty asked as they reached the landing.
          "No, not really," Ross replied, searching for his key.
          "Me either, let's never picnic again so long as we both shall live."
          "Caterers all the way babe," Ross grinned as he went to unlock the door.
          "You stink of pond scum," Kirsty remarked as she grabbed him from behind. "It's really not a sexy smell."
          "You stink too y'know."
          "It's a shameless excuse to get naked really."
          "I'm glad we see things from the same point of view," Ross grinned as he threw the door open.
          "We'd better make a start then," Kirsty cooed and moved her hands under his water stained shirt.
          "Excuse me!" a voice scorned from the couch.
          "I thought the point of divorcing was so we didn't have to see each other ever again," Ross groused, noticing Sasha on the couch.
          "I need to talk to you."
          "How did you get into my apartment?"
          "Your neighbour let me in."
          "My neighbour has a key? Wow."
          "I'd love to stay and chat but you shit me and I might attack you with a heavy object should I stay in the room," Kirsty announced. "Ross, I'll be naked in the shower. It's up to you what you decide to do." She added as she headed towards the bathroom. Ross glared at Sasha.
          "This better be about your funeral plan."

          "Apart from the Penny and Chris live sex show the picnic wasn't bad was it?" Julia chirped as they stood in the driveway.
          "No I enjoyed being made to hang out in the country when I'm hungover," Liam replied as his mobile phone began to ring. He held a brief mysterious conversation with the person on the other end for a few minutes before hanging up and turning back to Julia.
          "So, are you gonna stay for a bit?" Julia asked, hopefully.
          "Actually something's come up and I've gotta go," Liam replied.
          "Can't it wait?" Julia asked.
          "No. I'll call you," he perked and slapped her on the shoulder before getting into his car and leaving.
          "Gee thanks mate," Julia sighed as she realised that he hadn't even kissed her goodbye. "I feel like I have a big 'Don't fuck me' sign on my back."
          "I'd fuck ya," Bruce, her sleazy, beer-gutted neighbour declared as he stood on his front porch, scratching his belly.
          "Too late. I've just become a nun," Julia cringed as she hurried into the house.

          Penny and Chris were unpacking all the picnic gear in the kitchen when something occurred to Chris.
          "Where's Bear?"
          "I don't know."
          "He usually bowls us over as soon as we get home. It's just not like him not to be here. I'm going looking for him," Chris announced and headed for the back door. Penny followed closely behind him. It wasn't long before they found Bear standing guard over a man who was pressed flat against the wall.
          "Who the fuck is that?" Chris gasped.
          "It's Tony," Penny breathed. "The guy I very nearly married."