"So that's how you do the 'Congress of a Cow'," Ross gestured.
          "Oh yes. I'm fully aware of the entire Kama Sutra. Just can't do any of the moves any more," Don grinned.
          "Ross," Kirsty piped up.
          "What do you want woman? You're interrupting the drinking of the beer," he jeered and received a slap on the back of his head. "Hey watch it! What's with the brutality? I almost spilt my beer."
          "Don't you dare call me woman again."
          "I'm sorry my wire-haired little man-goblin," he grinned.
          "Oh that was convincing my soon-to-be ruptured-testicles beer mat."
          "You're a man-goblin and you never told me?" Julia gasped in mock-horror. "No wonder you're so short." Kirsty shot her daggers, "What? It's just an observation."
          "And here we were thinking it was just genetic," Penny mused.
          "Do you come from a long line of man-goblins?" Chris asked.
          "So, do all man-goblins date fairies?" Liam slurred and then started giggling at his own joke.
          "You are so not my friends anymore," Kirsty mused.
          "So was there a reason for interrupting my beer drinking or are you just doing one of those weird girlie clingy things that nobody understands?" Ross asked.
          "Your gig starts in forty-five minutes."
          "What gig? OH FUCK!" Ross squealed as it dawned on him he was supposed to be performing that evening. "We have to go and we have to go now."
          "Really? I hadn't noticed," Kirsty sarced.
          "Well there's no need to be rude," Ross scowled.
          "So are you going to the gig or are you just gonna sit around and make yourself even later?" Julia asked as the pair glared at each other.
          "Yeah woman you've gotta drive me," Ross announced, slapping Kirsty's thigh.
          "Just for that you can catch the bus now," she replied.
          "How do I do that?"
          "Well, you go down to the bus stop at the corner. Wait for the bus, that's the big long vehicle, exchange some money with the driver for a ticket, validate the ticket and then take a seat."
          "That's easy enough," Ross nodded.
          "That bus will take you to the centre. When you get there, you get off the bus and wait for the bus to take you to the city to arrive. Then after about an hour or so on that bus, you get off and walk to your gig."
          "That's not so easy. Jools you'll take me won't you?" Ross whined.
          "Yeah," Julia sighed.
          "Don't give in to him," Kirsty spat.
          "If it's the choice between staying here and taking him to the gig I'm going."
          "You do realise he's going to have to change into his suit in the car," Kirsty announced.
          "You can take him then," Julia said quickly.
          "Ooohhh. Where's she taking me?" Ross asked.
          "To your gig dickwit," Liam scorned.
          "You are aware that there's now only thirty five minutes to get there now?" Penny informed them.
          "You guys are coming right?" Ross asked Penny and Chris.
          "Actually, we kinda had other plans," Chris said sheepishly.
          "Ah so you are," Ross grinned. "Chris a moment if you will mate," he added, taking Chris aside.
          "Ross you don’t have time for this," Kirsty scorned, grabbing the back of his shirt and dragging him towards the gate while Ross both mouthed and mimed the finer points of genital origami.

          Halfway to the city…

          "What the fuck is he doing?" Julia asked as she tried to keep her eyes on the road.
          "I don't know but I can't see it," Kirsty replied. Liam had rung Kirsty's mobile and the two couples were chatting on the hands-free set as they drove along.
          "I'm trying to change. Do you have any idea how hard it is to WAAAHHH!" Julia and Liam were in tears with laughter.
          "What's going on?" Kirsty asked.
          "Oh man, that was hilarious," Liam sniggered.
          "You turned the corner as Ross was pulling on his pants and he went flying across the other side of the car. Oh I'm crying I'm laughing so much," Julia announced. "Is he okay?"
          "Ross are you okay?" Kirsty asked.
          "I crushed my nuts," Ross grumbled.
          "Oh well, they weren't very useful anyway," Liam mused.
          "It worries me you know that," Julia told him.
          "What'd he say?" Ross asked.
          "He said your testicles weren't very useful anyway."
          Ross turned and gave them the finger before flying backwards and nearly being impaled on the gear-stick as Kirsty stopped suddenly at the traffic lights.
          "Can you please not do that while I'm trying to change?" Ross asked.
          "You want me to drive you to your gig and go through red traffic lights, resulting in either us being killed or us killing someone else?" Kirsty countered.
          "If that's what it takes to get me there on time," Ross perked.
          "Fine," Kirsty put her foot down the second the lights changed and once again Ross went flying.
          "Kirsty you are aware that there's a law that says children must be restrained in a car?" Julia giggled.
          "I apologise. The Ritalin reacted with the alcohol and he's out of control."
          "Jools, Jools. Watch this," Ross announced into the phone.
          "NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!" Julia and Liam screamed.
          "You are a dirty fuck Ross," Julia spat.
          "That's why I like him," Kirsty chirped.
          "You didn't see what he did."
          "And for that I'm grateful."
          "I can give you a demo if you want," Ross offered.
          "Not while I'm driving."
          "I'm dressed now!" Ross chirped and started to climb into the front passenger seat. Kirsty turned into the car park and Ross flew across the front seat and landed in her lap. "Hi!" he chirped and poked her nose.
          "Ross you've got five minutes before til you're officially fifteen minutes late," she sighed.
          Ross scrambled back across to the passenger seat, opened the door and fell face-first onto the asphalt.
          "You know, if I wasn't so inebriated that would have really hurt," he announced as he picked himself up off the ground and dashed inside. By the time the other three had made their way inside he was stumbling up onto the stage.
          "Ungrateful little sod didn't even thank me for driving him here," Kirsty muttered.
          "Ah I'm sure he'll make it up to you afterwards," Julia replied. "If he doesn't get too drunk on stage," she added as Ross grabbed the microphone in the hand that wasn't holding a beer that he'd somehow acquired between getting out of the car and getting up on stage.
          "Sorry I'm late, I was performing a strip show for the entire population of drivers along Main North Road and one truckie who gave me his number."

          "I'm so glad we've got the fridge thing sorted out," Chris mused as he drove towards his house.
          "Now all I need to do is get my car fixed."
          "Um, yeah," Chris said after a short pause. Penny looked at him.
          "What have you done to my car?"
          "What makes you think I've done something to your car?" Chris asked.
          "You've got that look on your face that says you've done something to my car and I'm probably not going to like it."
          "What do you mean? We haven't been together long enough for you to know what my looks mean."
          "I know some of them really well. Sure, I only see them in thirty second bursts… That's probably the wrong phrasing to use. So what did you do to my car?"
          "Nothing," Chris said feebly as the headlights of the car reflected of Penny's now red torrie.
          "My car's now red," Penny announced. "It used to be yellow but now it's red."
          "Yeah. That tends to happen when you give it a new paint job."
          "What else have you done to my car?"
          "Not much. Just a new stereo, seats, seat covers, dashboard and engine."
          "That's a whole bloody new car!"
          "No it's not. I was gonna buy you a new car but you would have just got mad and yelled at me a lot so I decided I'd fix your car and you wouldn't be able to yell at me cos I didn't get you a new one."
          "But, but it is a new car."
          "No. It's got the same shell, seatbelts and windscreen wipers."
          "Oh well that makes all the difference then."
          "Are you angry?"
          "Angry? No I'm not angry," she said calmly. "I'M FUCKING FURIOUS!" she stormed out of the car and went to march into the house, only to find the door was locked.
          "What are you going to do now?" Chris mused as he stood watching her beside the car.
          "I'm going to wait for you to open the door so I can go in."
          "And what if I don't?"
          "I'll get the keys off you and open it myself."
          "I'd like to see you try."
          "Fine I will then." Penny moved to grab him and he dashed off around the backyard. After chasing him around the plastic patio set, the koi fish pond with piddling cherub fountain and the small manicured bonsai garden the pair ended up fighting in the pool.
          "I hate you, I hate you." Penny spat as she batted at Chris with her fists.
          "You're so sexy when you're angry," Chris perked and tilted his head to catch her in a wet kiss.
          "I still hate you…you're so sexy…I love you," Penny panted between kisses as she wrapped her arms around him.

          Kirsty scowled as yet another fan grabbed Ross and directed his attention to her as she babbled.
          "Why do they always have to touch him?" Kirsty muttered.
          "Oooohhhh Jealous," Liam chirped.
          "No more drinkies for Liam," Julia announced. "Maybe it's because there's something about a small hairy man that turns them on?"
          "You're not helping here," Kirsty growled.
          "Oh can I have a kiss?" one young fan cooed, fluttering her eyelashes.
          "That's it! I'm going over there," Kirsty declared, marching over. She grabbed the girl's hand and pulled her away from Ross. "He's mine."
          "Oh I suppose you think you're special do you?" the girl spat. "He was gonna kiss me."
          "Well he can kiss you or he can come with me and get a blowjob. Ross?" Kirsty mused.
          "Coming."
          "Oh you will be," Kirsty smirked as she led him out of the club.
          "We should go too," Julia announced, patting Liam on the thigh.
          "Go where?"
          "Home so you can pass out in a heap on the bed."
          "I won't pass out. Do you know what I'm gonna do to you?"
          "Go on, enlighten me," Julia said, deadpan.
          "I'm going to shoot my load into your…"
          "LIAM CAR!" Julia shouted and dragged him out of the club.
          "Nose," Liam finished. "Hey can I drive home?"
          "You're having difficulty walking. How are you going to be able to drive?"
          "With my hands."
          "You have to stop talking now."
          "I can mime," he sang and nearly stumbled into a lamp post.
          "Shut up and get in the car."

          Penny and Chris were still damp as they lay on Chris's bed. Chris had draped an arm and a leg over her.
          "I love you and you're never leaving," he murmured, nuzzling into her neck.
          "Not even to go to work?"
          "Nope. I'll tie you to the bed and feed you bread and water every day."
          "What about if I need to go to the toilet?"
          "I've got rubber sheets."
          "That actually worries me a little."
          "I had late onset bed wetting."
          "And that kinda creeps me out."
          "Okay. I didn't wanna tell you the truth because it's still a bit of a sensitive issue. Bear had a little bladder problem for a while. I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring it up around him."
          "I'm sure that won't be a problem," Penny mused as she turned her head to kiss Chris. She was running her fingers through his hair when her phone rang.
          "That's you," Chris announced.
          "How do you know?"
          "The Red Dwarf theme?"
          "Oh yeah," Penny nodded and rolled over to grab her phone out of her bag "Hello?"
          "Pen, mum's had a fall. She's in the hospital," her brother, John declared.
          "Is she okay?"
          "I dunno. I got here and went and had a coffee."
          "You're so sensitive."
          "Are you gonna come down?"
          "Yeah I'll be there soon," Penny sighed as she hung up and started fumbling for her clothes.
          "Where you going?" Chris asked.
          "My mum's in the hospital."
          "Oh my god is she okay?"
          "I don't know. My brother went and got a coffee," Penny groused.
          "I'll drive you there," Chris announced, grabbing his jeans and pulling them on.

          Kirsty had managed to shut Ross up long enough for him to open the door to his apartment and go inside.
          "Did you see me when I…"
          "Yes Ross, I was there."
          "But what about…?"
          "Saw that too."
          "And…"
          "Yes."
          "Ok," Ross went quiet for half a second. "What'd you think of the nipple lasers?"
          "Ross I was there when that joke was created. I created that joke for you." Kirsty was slowly losing her temper with him and went into the bedroom to change into her pyjamas and get half a minute away from him. She could still hear him rambling on in the hall.
          "Don't you think it's really funny when…Hey you haven't got any undies on," he announced as he wandered into the bedroom. He paused for a moment before wandering into the toilet, leaving the door open as he peed and continued to babble. "I wonder what would happen if you peed so much that you filled the toilet up?"
          "I hope you're watching where you're peeing," Kirsty scorned.
          "Of course I…Oops…Where's the mop?"
          "In the laundry behind the ironing board."
          "Oh ta!" About fifteen minutes later Ross wandered into the bedroom and sat on the bed. He tried to pull his shoes off but ended up rolling back onto the bed.
          "I think I need help."
          "Sit still and I'll take your shoes off for you."
          "You're such a good girlfriend," Ross patted her head appreciatively. "Hey! I was watching this docru…doment…doco today about antelopes. Did you know that there are different types of antelopes? There's the Roan, Sable, Oryxes and the Kudu. Hey that rhymes with canoe! Kudu, canoe. How about a Kudu in a canoe? The male Kudu is slightly larger than the sable. Kudu canoe. The Sables have the beautifully curved horns while the Kudu canoes are screw horned." He started to giggle. "They're screwed."
          "Ross sit up so I can take your shirt off," Kirsty ordered.
          "It's all about getting the gear off. You always want me naked."
          "Do you want me to help you take your pants off as well."
          "Do that and we'll be talking about horns again. I want a screwed horn like the Kudu-canoe."
          "Whatever you say Ross. Now shut up and let me get to sleep."
          "Do you know how many bugs actually live in your bed?" Ross asked as he climbed into bed. "They did this test thing on Today Tonight one night and they put your sheets under a microscope and showed all the bugs that were living in them. They were horrible and they all had fangs. Big scary fangs. I couldn't sleep in a bed for months afterwards."
          "That's nice honey. Go to sleep."
          He paused for a moment, "I think I'd like a Kudu-canoe for a pet."
          "Can we just get off the antelopes and go to sleep?"
          "I wasn't on the antelopes. What do you take me for? Some antelope rider?"
          "Ross just shut up."
          "Okay, okay…Kirst…"
          "WHAT!"
          "I just wanted to let you know that antelopes…OW…What are you? OW. You're not being a very nice girlfriend now."
          "Are you going to shut up or am I going to have to gag you?"
          "Can I choose which part of your anatomy you gag me with?"
          "The antelope."
          "You wouldn't be able to get one in the grassy African plains. They'd just be too fast to catch. Unless you had a tranquilliser gun or something…"
          "Shut up or I'm going to have to hurt you."
          "Is that a promise?"
          "ROSS!" Kirsty shouted.
          It was quiet for five minutes, "Kirst?"
          "For fuck's sake what?"
          "Can we snuggle?"

          "Jools you get your sexy undies on and I'll be here to rip them off you," Liam slurred.
          Julia wandered into the kitchen and got herself a glass of water which she drank before going back into the bedroom and finding Liam sprawled in the centre of the bed, snoring loudly.
          "Oh well that's just got the juices flowing," she sighed. "Wonder what the late movie is?" she added as she made her way into the living room, flicked on the TV and started to watch some bad b-grade 80's movie where everyone had mullets and leg warmers. She watched for half an hour before deciding that she'd go to bed.
          "Liam move over," she grumbled as she shoved him to one side, leaving a drool mark on her pillow. He grunted, stopped snoring for a moment and then started again. "So attractive," Julia groused, climbing beneath the sheets.

          "Why is mum still in the waiting room?" Penny asked John as she hurried over to her brother and mother.
          "She wasn't deemed urgent enough I guess," he shrugged.
          "An older woman falls over and hurts herself and she's not deemed important enough? She could have a fractured pelvis for all we know."
          "Penny I think you're overreacting," her mother sighed.
          "Leave it with me, I'll deal with it," Chris announced as he wandered over to the nurse's station. After a few minutes discussion with the sister on duty, Penny's mum was called to an examination room where it was discovered that she had a badly sprained ankle and would have to spend a couple of days in hospital to rest and recuperate.
          "How'd you get her in so fast?" Penny whispered.
          "I told them she was a private patient."
          "But she's not."
          "She is now."
          "Oh you're so sweet. Thankyou babe," Penny cooed and kissed him gently.
          "Well if you guys are staying I'm going home," John announced and walked out.
          "Thanks for all your help John," Penny muttered.
          "You will stay won't you Pen?" her mum asked.
          "Of course mum," Penny sighed and sat down on the bed.
          "By the way Penny, who's this young man?"
          "Oh I completely forgot. Mum, this is Chris, my boyfriend. Chris, this is my mum, Ruth."
          "Nice to meet you Ruth," Chris smiled. "We'll make sure you get the best of care."

          The familiar sound of Can't Take my Eyes off of You echoed through the Ross's bedroom.
          "Shut the fuck up," Kirsty spat as she glared at her phone. The ringing persisted and she gave up abusing it and decided to answer it.
          "Why does no-one let me sleep anymore?"
          "Because it's ten am and you should be up by now?" Julia chided.
          "Was there a reason you called other than pissing me off?"
          "How drunk was Ross last night?"
          "If I have to hear about another bloody antelope I'll scream. How was Liam?"
          "Antelopes? Oh Liam. He was asleep two seconds out of the car park and then once I got him in the house he was asleep before he even hit the bed."
          "You called to ask me about Ross?"
          "No. I called to ask you if you'd like to exact a little revenge on the blokes and take them out for a picnic."
          Kirsty glanced over at Ross as she pondered for a moment. He sighed then spoke in his sleep "Kudu-canoe"
          "Yes. We're going," she replied.
          "Okay then. I've got it all organised. We'll be picking you up in half an hour."
          "Half an hour! Okay then," Kirsty grumbled as she got up and wandered into the bathroom where she quickly showered. After changing into three-quarter jeans and a singlet she went back into the bedroom and shook Ross to wake him up.
          "Canoe…What?"
          "We're going on a picnic you've got ten minutes to get showered and dressed."
          "What if I don't? Are you gonna explode?"
          "Nine minutes Ross. Get your arse moving," Kirsty spat. He climbed out of bed and Kirsty followed him into the bathroom and turned on the cold water as he slid under the shower. He let out a piercing scream as she walked out of the room.

          "What the hell are they doing in there?" Chris groused as he thumped the horn again.
          "Do you really want an answer to that?" Julia asked as Kirsty and Ross arrived at the 4WD and clambered in.
          "Oh little Rossy doesn't look happy," Julia chided.
          "Shut up," Ross mumbled as he sat on her lap and snuggled in.
          "Get off me you stinky little troll," Julia shoved him off her lap. Ross glanced around the vehicle and saw Penny struggling to stay awake, Kirsty looking cheery and Liam with his head resting on the window, asleep and drooling.
          "Ew," he scrambled into the back seat next to Kirsty.
          "Right. Are we all present and accounted for? Are we all ready?" Chris boomed.
          "Yes," came the half-arsed reply.
          "Right we're off then," he put his foot down and they headed off.
          "Where are we going?" Ross asked sleepily.
          "You'll find out when we get there," Julia replied.
          "You don't know do you?" Kirsty countered.
          "Well actually, we decided to do what we did when we went for those drives when we were sixteen and we'd just drive til we got to an intersection and yell out which way we want to go and take it from there."
          "Right. Just wake me when we get there," Ross mumbled as he snuggled into Kirsty.
          "Left!" Julia shouted. The car veered to the left, as did its passengers.
          "Let's hope there's not too many of those," Liam mumbled.
          "I'll keep that in mind," Julia chirped. "RIGHT!" the car lurched to the right. Kirsty kicked the back of Julia's chair.
          "You're doing it on purpose you bitch."
          "Yeah what's your point?"
          "That I can keep doing this til we get to our picnic spot," Kirsty kicked the back of her chair a few more times to bring the point home.
          "Go ahead. I don’t care. It's not my car. RIGHT!"
          "Will you stop kicking the crap out of my car," Chris shouted.
          "Will you tell us where you're taking us?" Kirsty perked.
          "She's only shitty cos I was too pissed to fuck her last night," Liam announced.
          "Like that's any different to what you usually do," Julia retorted.
          "Mum, Dad they're fighting again," Ross wailed. "Make them stop."
          "If you all don't behave I'm going to turn this car around and we can all go home," Chris announced.
          "Oh honey, would you?" Penny sighed wearily.
          "I'll sort you all out," Chris mused as he turned the radio up so it was blaring out of the speakers.