Julia blearily opened her eyes and squinted at the clock, which read 5:30am. She reached over to turn the alarm off and knocked it to the floor, before she realised that it was Romeo screaming and not the alarm. She rolled over and smacked into Liam's nipple.
          "Morning," she grunted.
          "That's my nipple."
          "It's very nice."
          "Bubba's screaming," Gypsy-Rose announced, peering over the edge of the bed at Julia.
          "Really? I hadn't noticed," Julia mused as Romeo's screaming went up a few decibels.
          She crawled out of bed and wandered into the spare room to see to Romeo, who was standing in the port-a-cot, tears streaming down his face, nappy discarded in the far corner of the room, it's contents leaking over a rather sad looking teddy bear. She put a clean nappy on him and then carried him back to the bedroom where she plonked him on Liam's lap. Liam was now awake too and was pretending to be engrossed in a story with Gypsy-Rose.
          "You look after him a minute, I'm going to get his bottle," Julia declared before leaving the room.
          "I'm Harry Hobbit," Gypsy-Rose announced.
          "I thought you were an orc?" Liam mused, desperately trying to keep awake.
          "Do you wanna adopt me?"
          "What?"
          "You can be my dad and Jools can be my mum and my other mum can have Romeo cos he smells and cries lots and we can live in a forest and I can have a hobbit for a baby brother."
          "Right," Liam said slowly. "Jools did you have to milk the bloody cow too?"
          "Why does great-nanna say you're a cheese?"
          "A what?"
          "Cheese. She says you're a Coon. Why does she say that?"
          "Must be because he's tasty," Julia smiled as she wandered back into the bedroom, sat on the bed next to Liam and fed Romeo his bottle.
          "What the…?" Liam gasped as he felt a little wet tongue on his arm.
          "He's not tasty he's icky," Gypsy-Rose declared.

          Penny wandered into the kitchen and stopped dead when she spotted the new fridge in the same place as the old one. She walked into the lounge room and saw the pillow and blanket, neatly folded on the arm of the couch. There was no sign of Chris and she assumed that he had gone home. Penny decided that she needed a coffee so she wandered back into the kitchen and started making herself one. She nearly died when she opened the fridge to get the milk and found it fully stocked with all her favourite food.
          "I was so mean to him last night," she sighed as she pulled out a tub of banana and mango yoghurt and noticed a sticky note on the lid.

          Pen,
          Sorry I upset you. I was an arse. I still want you to have the fridge. Well, you've got no choice seeing as the other one will be taking pride of place in some underprivileged person's home thanks to the people at Vinnies.
          I love you
          Chris

          "I was horrible and he bought me a fridge and yoghurt and he loves me. I'm a shitty human being who deserves to be miserable for the rest of her life because I've treated the one person who's admitted he loves me like dirt. But first I must eat this rather attractive yoghurt." She grabbed a spoon out of the drawer, wandered into the lounge room and sat on the couch. She flicked on the TV and started to eat.

          Kirsty and Ross were sprawled over each other in Ross's bed with the quilt covering their feet when Kirsty's phone started ringing.
          "What's that noise?" Ross grumbled.
          "I don't know," Kirsty groaned. "Oh wait. It's my phone," she fumbled around at the side of the bed before she located the phone and sent the caller to message bank. She was about to turn it off when it started ringing again.
          "This had better be important because if it's not you've disturbed me from my slumber and will have to die a slow and painful death. Possibly in my human shredder."
          "You're always such a charmer at this time of the morning. And where did you get a human shredder from?" Penny's voice replied.
          "It's morning? I'm definitely hanging up. It's still in the testing phase. It only does carrots and cabbage at the moment. I've got so much coleslaw you wouldn't believe it."
          "You can't hang up on me I'm having a personal crisis?"
          "When don't you have personal crises? What is it this time? You accidentally used bleach instead of fabric softener?"
          "I think I've found the one person who I can see myself spending my entire life with and I've just gone and fucked it all up."
          "I've got a suggestion," Kirsty drawled.
          "What?"
          "Why don't you call someone who cares?"
          "I thought I was," Penny whimpered.
          "You've known me how long now? You think I'd be interested in this?" Kirsty asked as she felt the phone taken from her hand. Ross hit the end button and threw it out the bedroom door. It rang shrilly until it hit a wall, bounced off and echoed until it landed in the bathroom and was smothered by a towel.
          "Aw thanks sweetie," Kirsty chirped as she snuggled back into him.
          "My pleasure. Now let's get back to sleep. It's way too early."

          "Liam have you seen that small sharp knife?" Julia asked.
          "Why?"
          "I want to slit my wrists with it."
          "It can't be that bad surely?"
          "You wanna bet?" Julia grumbled as the phone started ringing. "Hello?"
          "Julia you are up," Faye mused.
          "Yeah I didn't get a chance to go down."
          "I was wondering if you could come over earlier today and help me get the salads and things ready for the barbecue."
          "Well I'm a bit…"
          "Fantastic. I'll see you at three then."
          "What time's the barbie?"
          "Six. I've got to go now. You're nanna wants to go shopping," Faye perked as she hung up. Julia had barely replaced the receiver when it started to ring again.
          "Oh for crying out loud," Julia sighed. "Hello?"
          "I had a vote and Kirsty's out of the group," Penny rambled.
          "You called Kirsty?"
          "Yes. It was an emergency."
          "It's half past nine. No wonder she's pissed at you. I woke her at eight o'clock once and I've got the scars to prove it. Paperweights may look pretty but they hurt like hell."
          "Can we talk about me for a minute here?"
          "It's always about you isn’t it?"
          "This is an emergency."
          "Fine. What's the emergency?" Julia asked as she pulled up a chair and sat down to listen as Penny poured out her heart.
          "Well what should I do?" Penny asked and received no reply. "JULIA!"
          "Sorry, I was distracted. Liam bent over and all I heard was fridge, Chris, Chris, yelling, yoghurt, Chris."
          "Why won't anyone listen to me?"
          "Well what do you want us to do? Hold a conference and tell you what a wanker you're being?"
          "Yes, I'll be there in an hour," Penny snapped and hung up.
          "Did you find that knife Liam?" Julia asked.
          "Why?"
          "I really, really need to slit my wrists within the next hour."
          "That's being a bit dramatic don't you think?"
          "You're right. I'll leave you to have some conference with Penny cos she's suffering yet another crisis, and when you're done with that you can take the kids to my mothers and help her make salads for the barbie tonight."
          "What will you be doing?"
          "With any luck I'll be naked in a tub full of bloody water, gasping my last breath."
          "I guess I should tell you now that I've gotta go," he announced sheepishly as he headed for the door.
          "Oh that's right. Spend the night in my bed. Don't use me for my body. Eat my food for breakfast and then leave."
          "Sorry Sunshine."
          "If I have my way you will be."
          "I'll look forward to it then," he mused as he left.
          "Aunty Jools the video wanted to go for a swim with the turtle," Gypsy-Rose announced tugging at Julia's jeans.
          "What video sweetie?"
          "The hobbit one," Gypsy-Rose chirped.
          "No," Julia sobbed as she whacked her head on the breakfast bar and hoped that if she closed her eyes it would all go away. Sadly, when she opened them a moment later everything was still the same.

          Julia was sipping her fifth coffee and was close to throttling Penny when Kirsty and Ross walked into the house. Ross flumped on the couch and promptly went back to sleep while Kirsty made herself a cup of tea and sat at the table with Julia and Penny.
          "Good morning," she perked.
          "It's afternoon and don't you dare mention why it took you three hours to get here," Julia snapped.
          "It had nothing to do with licking the love lolly," Ross called from the living room.
          "No, more to do with a trip to Tasmania," Kirsty grinned.
          "That's just put me off my coffee," Julia sighed as she pushed the steaming mug away from her.
          "What am I gonna do?" Penny moaned.
          "Do you love Chris?" Kirsty asked.
          "He bought me yoghurt," she sighed.
          "Let me get this straight," Julia mused. "Chris bought you a fridge because your fridge is almost dead, tells you numerous times how much he loves you and you crack the shits at him because he cares about you?"
          "He's never going to want to talk to me again."
          "He said that to you did he?" Kirsty asked.
          "Well, no, he filled my fridge with food and left me a note telling me he loves me."
          "I'm still not seeing a problem," Julia murmured.
          "The problem is he keeps buying me things. First the perfume, then the sheets and now a fridge! It can't go on."
          "Yeah, next he'll be buying you a new car to replace your poor torrie," Kirsty sarced.
          "That's not funny," Penny grumbled.
          "I thought it was hysterical," Ross announced. Penny got up from the table, wandered into the lounge. Kirsty and Julia heard an "Ow. Fuck" from Ross before Penny came back into the kitchen grinning.
          "So how you gonna fix it?" Kirsty asked.
          "It needs a splint," Ross yelled.
          "Not you. I was talking to Penny about Chris."
          "I'm still going with a splint."
          "Do you want me to go back and hurt him again?"
          "No just ignore him. He's only doing it for the attention."
          "Can we please work out how Penny is going to resolve her crisis with Chris? I have to leave soon to go help my mother prepare coleslaw. What happened to my life? I used to be happy…"
          "Yeah are we finished? Cos I wanna go back to sleep," Kirsty yawned.
          "And I'm going to talk things through with Chris like adults," Penny announced. "That or fuck his brains out and hope he forgives me."
          "That's right. Ignore me," Julia announced as Penny and Kirsty got to their feet and headed out of the kitchen. "Fine. Walk away. Fuck ya's all."
          "Aunty Jools you said the f-word," Gypsy-Rose announced.
          "You've never heard me have a conversation with your mother then sweetie," Julia smiled.
          "There's a cat sniffing around my testicles," Ross called. "HEY! Get your nose outta there. They're not for playing with mate."
          "I hope he digs his claws in," Julia sighed as there was a piercing scream from the living room. "Good cat," Julia chuckled to herself.
          "OH! He used the f, c, b and s-words Aunty Jools."
          "Yes and you're not to repeat any of them. Go outside and play sweetie."

          Julia stood at the sink chopping cabbage for the coleslaw and staring out of the window, still wondering what had happened to her life and if there really was a land of chocolate and why she hadn't found it.
          "JULIA!" her mother screeched, sounding like someone who'd just run their fingernails down a blackboard making Julia cringe. She took a deep breath and put on her best fake smile before she turned around.
          "Yes?"
          "Did you use all the carrots I put out?"
          "Well, yeah. I thought I was supposed to." "I wanted some of those for the salad. I'll have to get some more out now."
          "It must be such a strain to walk the two feet to the fridge. Don't have a heart attack now," Julia muttered under her breath. "Although you'd probably blame me as you slumped to the floor. It's all her fault. If she hadn't used all the carrots."
          "I found this in my shed. He was trying to claim it as a sacred site," Don announced as he entered the kitchen with Liam following behind him.
          "Dad," Julia groaned.
          "I'm planning a corroboree under the washing line. Just me and six hundred of my relatives. We're gonna dance around in loincloths and cook a possum on a spit," Liam chirped.
          "Are you really? You gonna get Jools out there in a loincloth and all too?" Don grinned.
          "Don't be absurd. The womenfolk don't get to wear loincloths," Liam announced.
          "You wouldn't find a loincloth big enough for her," Julia's nanna piped up.
          "Even better," Liam grinned and slapped Julia on the arse.
          "You'd better watch it. I'm holding a knife you know," Julia mused.
          "I'm willing to bleed for the cause."
          "I have to finish chopping the cabbage," she turned back to the chopping board.
          "So what do you do then?" Sylvia asked Liam.
          "I'm an accountant."
          "Oh, so they have school out in the middle of the outback then?"
          "Nanna! He comes from Port Adelaide," Julia gasped in horror. "He's never been to the bloody bush."
          "I have. I went on a Contiki tour," Liam announced. Don let out a hearty laugh.
          "Well if you're gonna be part of this family you can help me get the barbecue set up," Don announced.
          "Certainly. We might even find a few witchetty grubs out there. Chuck them on the barbie," Liam grinned as he followed Don out to the shed.
          "I can't believe you invited him," Sylvia spat.
          "Mum said I could invite whoever I like."
          "Has he invited any of his family?"
          "I doubt it. I invited him, Kirsty, Ross, Penny and Chris. Penny and Chris don't know each other's coming. I'd explain it to you, but. Yeah…" Julia trailed off.
          "Aunty Jools said the f-word this morning," Gypsy-Rose piped up.
          "Julia you shouldn't speak like that in front of the children," Sylvia scolded.
          "I'm sure her mother's said worse to her…I mean, I said fellatio."
          "Fellatio? Is that Italian?" Faye asked.
          "Yeah mum."
          "No you didn't you said fuck," Gypsy-Rose announced and was quickly escorted out of the room by Faye.

          Kirsty and Ross arrived a couple of hours later. They wandered through the gates and were greeted with the sight of Julia's relatives all sitting on folding chairs on the back lawn, chatting amongst themselves. Kirsty spotted Julia and Liam at the barbie with Don and wandered over to them.
          "You finally dragged yourselves out of bed then?" Julia mused as she saw them approaching.
          "Who said we ever got to bed?" Ross chirped, causing Don to snigger.
          "Ross, this is my dad, Don. Dad, this is Kirsty's new plaything Ross," Julia announced.
          "I can imagine what she'd play with you," Don grinned. "No need for that vibrator any more then?"
          "Wanna bet?" Ross jeered.
          "That's an image I didn't need," Julia sighed.
          "You're just jealous cos you're not getting any," Ross smirked.
          "They're yet to consummate the relationship," Kirsty added.
          "What? You two haven't? What's the matter with you? Your mother and I…"
          "DAD!" Julia squealed.
          "Will you two tell them what to do? Draw a diagram if you have to," Don pleaded, looking at Kirsty and Ross.
          "Please. They've all but shown me."
          Ross glanced at his watch, "We've got a bit of time now. We could give you a quick demo."
          "Quick being the key word," Kirsty piped up. "Like a whippet. No, that came out wrong."
          The five were soon in tears of laughter and were receiving strange stares from the rest of the family. Faye wandered over to give Don a tray of meat to cook on the barbie.
          "Faye this is Kirsty's new plaything Ross. They're going to give Jools and Liam a few tips on consummating the relationship. They haven't managed that yet."
          "Are you au fait with the karma sutra Faye?" Ross asked.
          "Yes she is thankyou. We know all the moves. I've had your mother bent in so many…"
          "DAD!" Julia shouted.
          "Just trying to give you a few tips."
          "I don't think we need to give you a demo. I think your mum and dad can give you a fine demonstration of their own," Ross declared, a huge grin plastered on his face. "And frankly, I'd pay to see it."
          "Well, you can pay me all you like but you won't be seeing any action from me. I might need to borrow your vibrator if you want that."
          "You might need to give it a clean first," Ross chirped. "There's actually this attachment that when you put it on it goes right up your…"
          "Jools, we should go see whether Penny's here or not," Kirsty announced.
          "Great idea. And if she's not here we might have to go and get her," Julia perked as the pair started to walk towards the gate.
          "So Don," Liam drawled. "Are you into food experimentation?"
          "You'd be a whipped cream man wouldn't you Don? You and Faye rubbing uglies. Rubbing the whipped cream into every crevice, every naked fold…"
          "Kirst, he's never coming anywhere with us again," Julia declared.
          "I don't know about you but I'm very happy when he comes with me," Kirsty chided.
          "I'm not touching that."
          "That's what he says."
          "No. Don't do this. I'm not averse to grabbing that garden hose over there and whipping your arse."
          "Funny, that's what he says too," Kirsty giggled as the pair reached the end of the driveway just in time to see both Penny and Chris's cars pull up.
          "Oh this'll be interesting," Julia announced as she and Kirsty leant on the fence to watch what happened.

          Penny got out of her car and was halfway to the driveway when she noticed that Chris was also heading in that direction.
          "What are you doing here?" she asked.
          "I was invited."
          "So was I."
          "So was I."
          "You don't even know these people," Penny spat.
          "Neither do you."
          "I'll have you know they've ignored me on several occasions."
          "Must be an achievement for you."
          "Least I know that they'd ignore me even if I did have money."
          "For fucks sake Penny I can't believe you're still hung up on this," Chris snapped.

          "Boy this could be a long wait," Kirsty mused.
          "I'll go and get the chips and drinks shall I?" Julia offered.
          "That'd be nice," Kirsty nodded. Julia wandered back through the gate and passed her father, Liam and Ross as she was on her way to get the chips and drinks.
          "And then you pull the scrotum down…" Ross enthused miming the action.
          "Is that before or after you pull back the foreskin?" Liam asked.
          "It's before, weren't you listening. Before pulling the scrotum down but after separating the testicles," Don explained.
          "Oh. My. God," Julia gasped as she hastily grabbed the chips and drinks.

          "So you weren't happy with the food?" Chris asked.
          "I was very happy with the food. You bought me yoghurt."
          "Then I'm not seeing a problem."
          "I don't mind little gifts. The odd trinket maybe. But a fridge! It'll take me my life to pay off."
          "I'm not asking for you to pay me back. It's a gift. That means you don't have to pay me back."
          "You don’t buy fridges as gifts!"
          "What you'd rather a teddy bear?" Chris asked. "Teddy bears are useless, flowers give you hay fever and chocolates make you fat. At least a fridge is useful."

          "What'd I miss what did I miss?" Julia asked as she hurried back and handed Kirsty a drink and perched the bowl of chips on the letterbox.
          "Not much really. Pen can't get over the fridge," Kirsty sighed. "What are the guys up to?"
          "Discussing genital origami."
          "Okay then," Kirsty nodded.
          "Just so you know. I can never face my parents again. And I'm holding you solely responsible."
          "Me? What did I do?"
          "You bought Ross the root-rat with you."
          "I think you'll find that you invited him so the blame must lie with you."

          "WHAT PART OF I LOVE YOU DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? IS IT THE I, THE LOVE OR THE YOU?" Chris shouted.
          "DON'T SAY THAT. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE HATING YOU. HOW CAN I HATE YOU WHEN YOU KEEP TELLING ME YOU LOVE ME?"
          "BECAUSE I DO LOVE YOU, YOU STUPID BLOODY WOMAN. HOW'D YOU MANAGE TO GET INTO UNI WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THREE LITTLE WORDS?"
          "BECAUSE THE LAST MAN THAT SAID THAT TO ME LEFT ME BROKEN-HEARTED THREE DAYS BEFORE OUR WEDDING!"

          "And the silence is phenomenal," Kirsty mused.
          "And the crowd waits with baited breath to see what Chris's reaction will be," Julia mused.
          "He's looking at his feet and kicking stones."
          "Penny's trying her hardest not to cry…Wait, I think I see a tear. Yes there is a tear, she's crying."
          "The big question here Jools is will Chris go and comfort her or walk away forever?"
          "Well Kirsty, I think I speak for the crowd when I say I hope Chris will go and comfort her and everything will be okay for the two of them."
          "Wait, Chris is starting to make a move. I think we should tune back to the action Jools. You'll have to take over, I've gotta go wet my whistle," Kirsty announced and dashed off.

          "And oh my god it sprayed everywhere," Liam gestured wildly.
          "Yes it can be quite messy," Don nodded.
          "Yeah, you should remember to put a drop-sheet down next time," Ross nodded.
          Kirsty made her way into the house and had to wait in line for about ten minutes before she made it to the toilet. She emerged from the house and was headed back to the front garden when she overheard more of the blokes' conversation.
          "And then she covered me in latex, got out the baby oil. You ever tried latex Don?" Ross asked.
          "Can't say I have Ross."
          "Oh. You need to get Faye a little pair of latex panties. Rock your world mate."

          "What the hell took you so long?"
          "All your incontinent relatives."
          "Oh, Right. What were the blokes talking about this time?"
          "Your mother in latex panties."
          "Ew, there goes my libido."
          "How about a pitch update Jools."
          "Well, not a lot to report. There's been a lot of blubbing and cuddling, maybe a few soft kisses, I can't be sure. I got bored and started watching the cat chase a moth around the garden til it smacked into a tree."
          "Shall we tune back in sports fans?"

          "I wish you'd told me sooner," Chris murmured.
          "It's not something I generally brag about."
          "You've pushed me away because some bastard was stupid enough to hurt you so badly. It wasn't about the fridge at all."
          "Actually, I'm still furious about you buying me that."
          "Better not tell you about the washing machine then."
          "You what?" Penny growled.
          "Kidding," Chris chirped.

          "A nice save there sports fans, pity we don't have the action replay to show it again in slow motion. What do you think Kirsty?"
          "I think he tried to go for the gag too early, and he's lucky she hasn't walked off the pitch. Not a smart piece of play there by Christopher but he seems to have gotten away with it for the moment."
          "You think the video review will see it differently?"
          "They could do Jools." Kirsty nodded. "Oh look! They're kissing! I do believe they're kissing! Yes there's plenty of tongue in there. I do believe that all is forgiven and that the video review won't be needed on this occasion."
          "And I've noticed while they're kissing, that her hand has moved onto his arse and is squeezing it. And look! He's fondling her breasts, which I think is a brave move for this pitch, especially since it's in the middle of the road and the bitch across the street is watching them from behind the curtains."
          "So, who do you think was best on ground then Jools?"
          "Well, I've talked to the judges for about thirty minutes on this one. It was an extremely tough decision as it was a fairly equal match but we have penalised Christopher for his early gag and given the points to Penny for her heart-wrenching confession."
          "Wise choice there Jools, and that about wraps it up for tonight. We'll be back here next time something crawls up Penny's arse and dies."
          "You two are such fuckwits," Penny announced.
          "We had to do something to occupy ourselves while you two were sorting out your lives," Kirsty perked.
          "I'm annoyed I got penalised," Chris sighed.
          "You were lucky you weren't red-carded," Julia informed him.
          "Where are Liam and Ross?" Penny asked.
          "Discussing the finer points of kinky sex with my father, and permanently scarring me for life."
          "Oh. Maybe we should go join them now then."

          "Oh I love having Beethoven's fifth hummed into my scrotum," Ross announced.
          "Please tell me that wasn't you," Julia mused to Kirsty.
          "Okay I won't."
          "That and the Telstra ad," Ross grinned.
          "You have to stop now," Kirsty announced as she put her hand over his mouth and he started humming the music from the Telstra ad into her hand.
          "So who's this?" Don asked, looking at Chris.
          "Dad, this is Chris. Penny's new plaything. Chris, this is my dad, Don."
          "So, it's just Jools who hasn't retired the vibrator then?" Don decalred.
          "DAD!" Julia wailed.