"It's roasting, they'd better hurry up," Julia declared as she tried desperately to find some shade at the tram stop.
          "Yeah, I want to see Ross in his bathers," Kirsty grinned.
          "You just want to see Ross," Julia chided.
          "Well it has been almost an hour," Kirsty smirked as she looked at her watch.
          "Must you?" Julia groaned and Kirsty nodded enthusiastically.
          "I don't know what you're complaining about," Kirsty scorned. "Liam's going to be here."
          "Like that's going to make a difference. He's done a pretty good job of avoiding me so far."
          "Apart from the time he turned up at your house and you sucked face."
          "Yeah ok, apart from that," Julia sighed as the tram appeared, rattling up the tracks. "Where the hell are they?"
          Kirsty looked around and slapped Julia's arm, "There," she pointed as the two men appeared from a side street and quickened their pace. A few seconds later they were scurrying up the platform, jackets over their arms and sweat pouring off them.
          "What fuckwit designed business wear?" Ross announced as he took to removing his tie and rolling up the sleeves of his shirt. "I mean they trap you into wearing the stuff because they install air conditioning in offices that turns the air to something only a polar bear would be able to have normal testicles in. So, you wear all this shit and then when you leave you discover it’s hot enough to boil an egg on the footpath and by the time you get home you have to have your clothes peeled off with a spatula."
          "You finished?" Kirsty asked, raising an eyebrow.
          "No," Ross winced, as he smelt under his armpit.
          "That's charming, really," Julia declared before focussing her attention on Liam who had been exceptionally quiet as if attempting to hopefully avoid any confrontation. "I'm sorry that woman was so rude last night."
          "Ah doesn’t matter, I shouldn’t be so sensitive," Liam shrugged.
          "No you shouldn’t," Ross agreed. "We don't care that you're black. We're more upset that you're such a girl."
          "Thanks Mutt," Liam mused and grabbed Ross in a headlock.
          "Aw man no, you don't smell so great either," Ross whined.
          "Oh let him go," Kirsty sighed. "We should get on the tram before it leaves."
          Liam let go of Ross who looked quite disgusted that his neck was now doused in Liam's underarm sweat. Before all four of them piled onto the tram.
          "I'm gonna stick to the seat," Kirsty announced.
          "I know, me too," Julia replied as they looked at each other's skirts.
          "My heart bleeds, can we sit," Ross declared and bustled Kirsty onto a seat. Julia and Liam took the seat in front and a few minutes later the tram kicked into action.
          "You got our bathers right?" Ross soon piped up as the tram chugged along.
          "Of course," Kirsty replied. "And towels, we figured you'd want them as well."
          "Women, they think of everything," Liam mused as Julia shoved a bag in his lap and Kirsty did the same to Ross. Liam inspected the bag and was pleased with his navy blue shorts and bright beach towel. Ross was equally pleased with his Spiderman bathers and matching beach towel.
          "You're the best girlfriend ever," Ross grinned.
          "Yeah, you're paying me back for those," Kirsty nodded.
          "But it’s nearly Christmas," Ross pouted.
          "Exactly, I need the money."

          "Why is it so hot in here?" Chris groaned as he reached for his bottle of water.
          "According to Jackie in mail room the air conditioning is stuffed," Marty shrugged.
          "This is a Government facility full of bloody engineers, how can the air conditioning be stuffed?" Penny gasped.
          "No one ever said we were good engineers?" Ken mused as he wiped the sweat from his brow.
          "This is ridiculous, we can't work safely in these conditions," Julian grumbled and for once they were in agreement.
          "And here's me thinking the asbestos in this old place would keep it cool," Penny sighed.
          "It’s unhealthy," Julian huffed. "I'm going to have words with Fergus," he added and marched out of the lab.
          "Go Jules," Chris mused taking another mouthful of water as the room was filled with the sound of a ringing phone.
          "It's the Red Dwarf theme, it's yours Pen," Marty piped up.
          "Yeah, I had picked that," Penny jeered as she fished her phone out of her backpack. "Hello?"
          "Pen."
          "Jools? Where on earth are you?"
          "A tram."
          "Why are you in a tram?"
          "Me, Liam, Kirsty and Mutt are going to the beach."
          Penny heard a yell of, "I'm not a Mutt," in the background. "Lucky you, the air conditioning has packed in and we're stuck in a lab that's hot as hell."
          "So leave and come and join us."
          "No, I need paid," Penny replied. "I've already missed one day."
          "Aw come on Pen, won't be the same with out you."
          "Jools, I can't just leave work."
          "I'll buy you an ice-cream."
          "An ice-cream isn't going to pay my phone bill."
          "Might if you were in ice-cream land."
          "Now you're just being a dick."
          "I think that would be physically impossible."
          "Good news friends," Julian perked as he re-entered the lab.
          "Hold on," Penny announced and covered the phone with her hand.
          "Fergus has agreed to give us the rest of the afternoon off!" Julian perked.
          "Well done Jules," Chris smiled and patted him on the back. "Do we get paid?"
          "We certainly do," Julian grinned.
          "Great, now I'll have to endure the kids when they get home from school," Ken grumbled.
          Penny uncovered the phone, "Stroke of luck, we've scored the rest of the afternoon off."
          "Brilliant," Julia enthused.
          "We'll see you there as soon as we can," Penny perked.
          "Ok," Julia mused. "Everyone say goodbye to Pen." Julia held her phone up and everyone yelled into it.
          Penny ended the call giggling and slipped the phone back into her backpack. "Fancy going to the beach?" she asked Chris.
          "Need you ask?" Chris replied and grabbed his bag. "In fact that's been the best suggestion all day."
          "See you Monday guys," Penny laughed as Chris dragged her flailing from the lab.

          "I feel so overdressed," Ross remarked as two women walked past in mini skirts and bikini tops.
          "Somehow I don't think being dressed like that would have helped me in my job interview," Julia declared as they stopped at the beach wall to remove their shoes.
          "My boss would be in his element if I dressed like that," Kirsty sighed.
          "I'd be in my element if you dressed like that," Ross smirked and Kirsty shook her head. They staggered across the sand a short way until they were engulfed by the shade of the jetty.
          "Thank god the beach isn't packed yet," Liam sighed, dropping his bag on the sand.
          "That's because most normal people are at work," Julia pointed out. "But then, we're far from normal."
          "Speak for yourself," Kirsty teased as she spread her towel out on the sand.
          "You ladies going to change?" Ross asked as he started to unbutton his shirt.
          "Please, we did that ages ago," Kirsty replied, removing her own shirt to reveal her bathers.
          "It's just you two who have to," Julia smirked. "Gonna do it under your towels?"
          Ross and Liam looked at each other, "I'm game," Liam perked.
          "Easiest way," Ross agreed.
          "Oh, I was joking," Julia mumbled and looked at Kirsty who seemed amused by the whole thing. Both men stripped to their boxers then wrapped their towels around their waists.
          "And we don't want any glances of your meat and two veg or hairy arses," Kirsty mused.
          "You wish you were that lucky," Liam jeered and nearly lost his towel.
          Julia and Kirsty were in fits of giggles as they watched both men wriggle and squirm as they tried to pull their bathers on under the safety of their towels.
          "Woohoo!" Ross perked dropping his towel to reveal his brand new shorts and lobbing his underwear at Kirsty.
          "Oh thanks hon," Kirsty cringed and shoved them into the plastic bag with the rest of his clothes.
          "I had them on the wrong way," Liam pouted as he finally removed his towel and shoved the last of his clothes into a bag. "Let's get wet then!" he added.
          "No thanks," Julia declared and leaned back on her towel.
          "We're at the beach. The whole reason we're here is to swim," Ross said blankly. "You got sunscreen?"
          "Was just getting it," Kirsty replied as he plonked himself on her towel and she took to rubbing the cream into his back.
          "Why on earth not?" Liam asked as Kirsty squirted sunscreen into his hand.
          "I just don't want to," Julia grumbled.
          "She has a rampant fear of sharks," Kirsty teased, getting to her feet.
          "Well you can't swim," Julia cussed.
          "Yeah, but Ross can and I can hold on to him for dear life," Kirsty countered.
          "Exactly, so let's go swimming," Ross enthused and headed toward the surf. Liam shook his head at Julia and then smiled wickedly and grabbed Kirsty who was glaring at her friend.
          "Hey, no, bastard!" Kirsty yelped as he carried over his shoulder and jogged toward the water in an attempt to beat Ross who just laughed at Kirsty flailing about.

          Liam waded out until the water was just above his waist, "Should I drop her?" he asked looking at Ross.
          "I think you should mate," Ross grinned and dove under the water.
          "Oh shit!" Kirsty gasped as she found herself falling beneath the cool, salty water. She burst back out and spluttered loudly, trying to find her face through her hair. "Arsehole."
          "I think a sea sponge just went up my shorts," Ross declared and made a strange face as he fumbled with his shorts under the water.
          "Maybe it was a desperate fish?" Kirsty suggested.
          "No, it was seaweed," Ross mused and produced a handful of the green, slimy kelp and chucked it at Liam.
          "Thanks mate," Liam scorned and dove toward Ross.
          "Oh fu…" was all Ross managed before they both disappeared below the water.

          It was an hour later before Chris and Penny appeared. They searched the now much busier beach until they found their friends under the jetty. Liam was nowhere to be seen, Julia was on her side apparently asleep as were Ross and Kirsty who were lying together, Ross's hair having dried in an obscure mohawk.
          "You lazy bastards," Chris announced causing the three bodies to groan and move.
          "Blame Jools, she kept us awake last night," Kirsty declared sleepily.
          "There's a threesome I never imagined," Penny teased.
          "They're not still sleeping are they?" Liam piped up as he sprinted over, water droplets falling off him.
          "Not any more," Penny grinned and dropped her backpack on the sand.
          "Thanks for that. I really needed a face full of sand," Julia snapped.
          "Do you good seeing as you refuse to go in the water based on some stupid fear," Liam retorted.
          "Oooohhhh they're fighting," Ross jeered.
          "At least I don't look like some cross between a human and an ape," Liam snapped.
          "Aw, leave poor Mowgli alone," Chris soothed.
          "He's not Mowgli, he's the forgotten Sex Pistol - Stinky," Kirsty chirped.
          "I take offence to that," Ross scowled.
          "But there aren't any fences," Julia mused.
          "You stupid, stupid woman," Ross scorned. "Be nice or Jaws will get you."
          "What you're going to drag me into the water? I'd like to see you try."
          "No but, the rest of us will," Kirsty announced with an evil grin on her face.
          "Oh crap," Julia peeped before her arms and legs were grabbed. Her glasses were removed before she was unceremoniously dragged into the water and dumped.
          "I want you to know I hope the sand makes you all chafe," Julia mumbled as she removed seaweed from her cleavage and flicked it at Ross.

          As night fell the group decided to go their separate ways. Ross insisted that Kirsty go home with him to see the new dryer as it had been installed that day. Chris insisted that Penny go out for a meal with him before they went back to Chris's house and Julia offered to make Liam dinner at her place.

          "You know, you could have done something about that hair before we left the beach," Kirsty mused as she patted Ross's head. His hair was stiff with sea salt.
          "Well I'll let you wash that and the other hair in the shower," Ross chirped as they wandered into the apartment.
          "Oh, gee, that's romantic," Kirsty told him, deadpan.
          "And then we can dry something in the dryer."
          "That's made my night," Kirsty muttered. "A grope around your genitals and pressing the buttons on a new dryer, woo."
          "Hey, not every girl gets to grope around my genitals and press the buttons on my new dryer."
          "Oh I'll put it down as one of the most exciting moments of my life then shall I? Up there with getting my tax file number and getting my first Pap smear."
          "There's no need to be rude about it," Ross huffed. "You should try getting your prostate examined."
          "Yeah I don't have a prostate. I'm a girl."
          "Really?" Ross gasped, wide-eyed.
          "Please tell me you were acting and not serious?"
          "Okay then. I was acting and not serious."
          "You're an idiot. Let's go have a shower and get the sand out of our undies."
          "I'm not wearing undies."
          "Ross do you ever think before you open your mouth to speak?" Kirsty sighed.
          "I try but it never works. See, I'll show you," Ross frowned as he thought for a moment. "I really wanna cover your breasts in mango sauce."
          "What?"
          "See? Look what happens when I think before I say something."
          "Hon, I'm not really seeing the difference," Kirsty sighed and dragged him into the bathroom.

          Penny and Chris were sitting outside at a table in front of the trendy Holdfast Shores restaurant.
          "Isn't it a lovely evening," Chris gushed.
          "It smells like sewerage from the Patawalunga, if we look at the city we can see it's covered in smog, there's a bushfire in the hills and my pasta is crunchy."
          "You should have said something if you didn't want to eat here," Chris soothed.
          "Like I had a choice," Penny grumbled under her breath.
          "What do you mean by that?"
          "You could have asked me if I wanted to come here you know. I'd have been more than happy to go to somewhere like Macca's or something. Hell I'd have preferred just to have a sandwich at home."
          "I just thought it would save you cooking," Chris murmured.
          "I haven't even cooked for us yet. You're always too busy flashing your money around and proving to the world how well off you are. It's giving me the shits."
          "What's the matter Pen, are you premenstrual or something?" Chris asked, looking confused.
          "Why must you always be so caring and understanding?"
          "I'm so sorry I love and respect you."
          "You don’t love me you've only known me a week." "I'm so sorry you don't believe in love at first sight. I happen to be a strong believer because I know it's true."
          "Pay someone to tell you that did you?" Penny scorned.
          "Yeah a guy called Pete gave me a good deal. Fifty bucks for believing in love at first sight and that fairies live at the bottom of the garden," Chris sarced.
          "There's no need to take that attitude with me," Penny spat as she got to her feet and started to leave. Chris left the table and followed her, managing to catch up with her in the car park.
          "Why do you think that all I think about is money?" Chris asked.
          "Because you're always flashing it about at every opportunity."
          "Fine then, I'll show you just how much I care about my money," Chris snapped as he passed a homeless man, slumped in a bus shelter. He pulled his wallet out of his pocket, pulled a wad of cash out and handed it to the man, who looked at him in shock as he counted out five hundred dollars.
          "That's supposed to prove something to me is it?" Penny asked.
          "I'm trying to show you that I don't think money is important."
          "Well it's not working. Take me home," she demanded.
          "Can't."
          "Why not?"
          "I drank too much wine at dinner and I'm pissed."

          "I hope none of the cats get…There's a small child in my living room," Julia declared, noticing her niece Gypsy-Rose perched on the beanbag watching Lord of the Rings.
          "There seems to be another kind of dribbly one over here," Liam mused as he approached the port-a-cot. "Oh and this one's got paperwork," he added as he pulled the slightly soggy piece of paper out of little Romeo's hand and gave it to Julia.

          Jools,
          Thanks for taking the kids for us. I didn't have any nappies, baby food, formula or teething gel.
          Lyn

          "Fantastic," Julia muttered as Romeo started to scream and tug his ears. She picked him up and tried to calm him down but knew it was useless as he was teething.
          "Want me to do anything?" Liam asked.
          "Well, since you asked. Do you wanna take my car, put the baby seat in it, find an all night chemist or something and get the nappies and everything for me? And take the screamy one with you?" Julia asked.
          "That's a big ask you know."
          "Would you rather bathe the hobbit lover then?"
          "I'm an Orc!" Gypsy-Rose perked from her beanbag.
          "Okay I'll take the screamy one then," Liam sighed as he grabbed the note and keys from Julia, found out where the car seat was kept, put it in the car and returned to grab Romeo and money from Jools before leaving.
          "Right young lady. Time for your bath and then bed."
          Gypsy-Rose squealed, started giggling and ran out of the room screaming, "No bath, no bath, no ba…OW! Stupid cat."
          Julia spent ten minutes chasing her around the house before finally cornering Gypsy-Rose. She got her in the bath and let her play in the water for a while before soaping her up, then getting her out of the bath and into her pyjamas.

          "Can we stop watching the clothes dry now?" Kirsty asked.
          "But we've still got another cycle to go," Ross chirped as there was a knock at the door.
          "Oh thank Christ for that," Kirsty sighed as Ross bounced out of the kitchen and to the front door. He flung open the door and his good mood deflated instantly the moment he saw his ex-wife Sasha.
          "Oh it's you," he scowled as she brushed past him and made her way into the apartment.
          "I want my Celine Dion CD," she demanded, glaring at him and her hands on her hips.
          "You can't have it. I ceremoniously melted it in the microwave when you ran off with your boss," Ross informed her.
          "Ross, why is there a small angry brunette in your lounge room?" Kirsty asked, wandering in and hearing the last part of the conversation.
          "She's here to match the small angry blonde who was in the kitchen. I'm expecting the red head for the bedroom within the hour."
          "Do you always have to make stupid jokes about everything?" Sasha sneered.
          "I'm a comedian it's my job."
          "Oh you're not still playing that little game are you? You're just not funny Ross. How many times do I have to tell you?"
          "I don't know who you are but if you don’t shut up and piss off, I'm going to beat you to a pulp with the A to K phonebook. And if you still don't leave, I'll use the L to Z too," Kirsty threatened.
          "Who is this?"
          "The angry blonde. I forgot to introduce you. Angry blonde, this is my baggage. Baggage, this is my angry blonde. I was hoping you two would never meet because I was hoping you were dead. I should have known it's hard to kill the undead. Unless you're Buffy, then you'd be in some serious trouble. She'd kick your arse woman."
          "Ross," Sasha spat
          "Sorry, I was rambling. Got the image of Buffy in hot pants in my mind and I drifted off there for a while. So sorry, where was I? Oh that's right. I don't have your CD. Fuck off and watch out for raging baboons."
          "Raging baboons?" Kirsty asked.
          "I fell asleep on the remote and it was flicking between Buffy and National Geographic," Ross shrugged.
          "Well I want the money for the CD then," Sasha demanded and crossed her arms.
          "What money? You took it all in the divorce!" Ross shouted and stormed out of the room.
          "I'm adding the White Pages to my list as well," Kirsty nodded. Sasha glared at her and then stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

          Liam found himself having to drive to the other side of town before finding an all-night chemist. He got Romeo out of his car seat and put him in the papoose before going in to the chemist. He was standing looking at the various brands of nappies and trying to decide which was the best when he noticed an elderly woman next to him looking from him to the child and back several times.
          "He has his mother's genes," Liam shrugged.
          "Oh isn't he just darling. He's got your nose."
          "That's really funny because he's not even mine," Liam chirped and leaned in closer to her. "Just between you and me, I wrestled him off a dingo and decided to keep the little fella."
          The woman backed away and Liam chuckled to himself as he grabbed some nappies and went over to the formula aisle. He'd just finished getting a few tins of baby food and the formula when a young man in an anorak sidled up next to him and looked appreciatively at Romeo.
          "I'll buy the baby off of you."
          "What?" Liam asked, not sure he'd heard properly.
          "I'll buy the baby off of you."
          "Why do you want to do that?"
          "Can I eat it?"
          "I have to go and pay for this stuff. Why don't you just stay here," Liam gasped and made his way to the counter where he paid for the items before bundling Romeo back into his car seat and driving back to Julia's.

          Penny had driven Chris's car to her house and parked in the driveway. As she made it to the front step she stopped dead when she realised there was a large box on her front verandah.
          "What the hell is that?" she demanded, turning to Chris who had sobered up.
          "Surprise," he said meekly.
          Penny opened the door, switched on the light and stared at the Fisher & Pykell logo splashed all over the box.
          "Is that a fridge?" she asked softly.
          "It could be."
          "It could be how?"
          "It could be in that, it is."
          "I can't believe you'd do this. What the fuck did you buy me a fridge for?"
          "You said you needed one and we can't have your food getting hot."
          "This is exactly what I've been talking about Christopher," Penny shouted. "What gives you the right to go and buy me things just because I make a passing comment about them?"
          "I thought it would make you happy."
          "It hasn't made me happy it's made me fucking IRATE!"
          "What do you want me to do then?"
          "Take it back."
          "But it's paid for."
          "Then take it home."
          "I can't even take myself home cos I've still got too much alcohol in my system."
          "Fine. You can sleep on the couch and I want that atrocity gone by the time I get up in the morning," Penny demanded as she got some blankets out of the cupboard and threw them at Chris before she stormed into her bedroom and slammed the door.

          Julia was sitting on the couch watching some inane program when the bell on the oven rang, reminding her that the pizza in the oven was cooked. She wandered into the kitchen and took the pizza out the oven as she heard the front door open and Liam wandered into the kitchen a few seconds later.
          "He's asleep," he announced.
          "Good. Cot's in the spare room, can you put him in it?" Julia mused as she pulled a couple of plates out of the cupboard and started to dish up the pizza.
          "Sure," Liam sighed as he dropped the bag on the floor and went and settled Romeo in the cot.
          Julia was sitting on the couch when he wandered into the lounge and flopped on the couch next to her and grabbed his plate of pizza.
          "How'd it go with the hobbit lover?"
          "Oh she was fine once I'd told her what the little wrapper under her pillow was."
          "What'd you say it was?"
          "Lolly pop wrapper. Spearmint flavour apparently."
          "Wasn't there when I slept in the bed was it?"
          "I honestly have no idea," Julia mused and she rested her head on his shoulder.
          "Why are we watching a Chuck Norris Infomercial?" Liam asked after a while.
          "It was that or some Danielle Steele movie where they all end up dead."
          "I've seen that one."
          "It worries me that you've watched her movies."
          "My mother's a big fan."
          "God I'm knackered," Julia yawned.
          "You're knackered. I had to drive all the way to the other side of town where some freak wanted to eat your nephew."
          "What?"
          "That's what I said before I made a hasty exit."
          The pair had just started to relax when they heard a piercing scream.
          "Aunty Jools there's hobbits under my bed," Gypsy-Rose called out as they heard a cry come from the spare room.
          "I'll deal with the hobbits. You deal with the screamy one," Liam mused.
          "You're so kind," Julia mused as they wearily hauled themselves off the couch.

          Kirsty found Ross leaning on the balcony rail, hands shaking as he puffed away on a cigarette.
          "I never knew you smoked," she declared, sidling up next to him.
          "I'd given up but the fucking woman…" his voice trailed off as he shook some of the ash from the cigarette. "She can't just stay out of my life."
          "Don't worry, if she comes round here again I'll deck her," Kirsty soothed and wrapped her arms around him. She could feel the tension gripping his body start to ease.
          "You're the best girlfriend," Ross sighed and gave her a peck on the cheek. "And for the record I never melted her Celine Dion CD."
          "No? What did you do to it?"
          Ross grinned evilly, "Sash likes to 'make love' to Celine Dion songs…so I left the case and swapped it with remix version a friend helped me with. It sounds like the normal CD with little bits of me declaring all her dirty secrets in between. So, the wench will be at it with Charles and during The Power of Love you get 'Sasha gave me genital warts.' I'm assuming that's why she's so pissed."
          "Ew, she didn't really did she?" Kirsty cringed.
          "Nah," Ross mused, stubbing out his cigarette and heading back inside. "She gave me gonorrhoea."