Julia slipped off her jacket as she hurried toward her former office. She wasn't angry at being called in, so much as being dragged out of bed on a day when the temperature was already 32 and rising. Julia reached into her bag for a bottle of water as she slid into the elevator and motioned for its only other occupant, an overly gelled accountant to press the 3rd floor button. She sculled half the bottle and placed it back in her bag before the gelled accountant departed on the second floor. As the elevator stopped at her floor, Julia couldn't help but swallow, it was uncomfortable returning to the scene of her dramatic exit. She stepped into the office and was greeted by a refreshing blast of cool air.
          "Jools," Liam perked as he appeared with a manila folder under one arm. "Your client is in my cubicle."
          "Great, I can use your cubicle then?" Julia asked as they walked back together.
          "Yeah, I've got photocopies to make anyway," Liam chided.
          "DUNN," De'Lorenzo's voice boomed. Both Julia and Liam stopped and looked at the small Italian man who approached them.
          "Good morning Vince," Julia smiled.
          "You will address me as Mr. De'Lorenzo while you are on my property," De'Lorenzo hissed. "I should also point out that this is an extremely rare occurrence Miss Dunn and should no way be used as a means of reinstating yourself in my business."
          "Right," Julia nodded. "And I should point out I no longer work for you therefore all your stupid rules no longer apply to me. So, I suggest Vince that you piss off and leave me to do my job," she spat and then marched into Liam's office.
          "Julia," Mr. Robson smiled and got to his feet.
          "Hi Harold," Julia smiled back and took a seat and Liam's desk. "Let's get things sorted then shall we?"

          "Any ideas what we can do with the rest of our afternoon?" Penny asked as she and Chris shared the leftover pizza for lunch.
          "I have to go home and check on Bear and stick the air conditioner on," Chris replied.
          "I'd forgotten about Bear, the poor prehistoric thing must have been devastated you didn't come home last night."
          "He pines terribly," Chris sighed. "I left him with a mate when I went on holiday once. Apparently, Bear howled from the minute I left to the minute I returned."
          "How long were you gone?"
          "Three weeks," Chris smiled. "Funnily enough I haven't found a dog sitter since."
          "I take it you've got ducted air conditioning," Penny teased as she snatched the last piece of pizza.
          "Of course," Chris nodded. "I take it you're coming home with me?"
          "Hmm let's think about that. I can stay here with my busted air conditioner and try and pretend it’s natural to have eyeball sweat, or I can continue making out with you in the crisp coolness of your luxurious abode…tough choice."
          "You can bring Nero too, no point in letting the poor thing suffer."
          "What about Bear? Won't he eat him?"
          "God no, anything smaller than a Labrador and the stupid mutt needs counselling."
          Penny giggled. "Well, I better get my stuff together then."
          "Stuff? Oh for the cat," Chris mused.
          "That and for me, think I'll invade your closet space."
          "Pen, if I have thing to do with it," Chris smiled, "you won't be needing clothes."
          "What if we have visitors?" Penny asked and rested a hand on his thigh.
          "I'll tell them you burnt all your clothes after consultation with a rare African tribe of Pygmies helped you to see they were restricting the flow of blood to all the important parts of your body."
          "It's not my blood flow that's a problem," Penny teased as she got to her feet.
          "It's not my fault we need three hour naps after each round," Chris huffed. "You wouldn't believe the parts that suffer during those times."
          "I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the brain," Penny nodded as she looked around for the cat carry box.
          "Now you're just being cheeky."
          "Hello, you started talking about cricket while on the job."
          "Well, Border was the best captain," Chris shrugged and dug his hands into his pockets.

          "I feel like I've pissed myself," Ross declared as he and Kirsty walked back to the office arm in arm. "Bloody heat."
          "It could be worse," Kirsty shrugged.
          "How?"
          "You could have really pissed yourself."
          "Good point," Ross nodded. "If we weren't having clients this afternoon I'd take my pants off."
          "You could recreate that scene from Risky Business," Kirsty perked. "You know, like Tom Cruise."
          "I would never do anything a man stupid enough to dump Nicole Kidman for that Spanish skank has done."
          "He's done Nicole Kidman."
          "Good point," Ross sighed. "So, how are we going to celebrate my impending fame? Dinner at a fancy restaurant or maybe a quiet night in, what about sex like wild beasts?"
          "I've got dinner with the girls," Kirsty sighed as they reached the large glass entrance to the building.
          "Aww," Ross pouted.
          "I could bring home dessert?" Kirsty suggested.
          "What type of dessert?" Ross countered.
          "It'll be a surprise and we can celebrate then."
          "Ok, but can we do the sex like wild beasts thing?"
          "With dessert?" They looked at each other a moment. "I'm going to my office now."
          "And I'm going to steal Patrick's desk fan," Ross grinned as they entered the reception area together.

          "Well that's that sorted out for you. I hope that makes it easier for you next time now that we've set it all up on the computer," Julia perked as she finished up, copied the stuff to disk and handed Harold his copy.
          "I can't tell you how much I appreciate you coming in to do this for me."
          "It's no problem really."
          "No she wasn't doing anything anyway," Liam grinned as he came up behind her. Julia pretended to stretch and in the process her elbow connected with Liam's groin. "Ah…testicles," he squealed, looking as if he'd been defiled.
          "They weren't doing anything anyway," Julia smirked.
          Harold laughed. "So you're not doing anything now Julia?"
          "No. Not now that Liam's testicles are out of action for a while," she giggled.
          "Would you like to go for a drink?"
          "I think I might have to. I feel Vince might come after me with a stapler if I don't leave soon."
          "He hates you that much?"
          "Well I did tell him to stick his job up his arse."
          "I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to do that," Harold grinned as they made their way out of the office and down to a café. They sat at a small table, ordered drinks and continued their conversation.
          "So you're unemployed now?" Harold asked.
          "Yes, yes I am," Julia nodded.
          "Have you ever heard of Robson and Co?"
          "Well, yeah they're the biggest firm in the city."
          "My brother owns the business. I'll put in a word for you if you want. He might have something there for you."
          "Your brother owns Robson and Co? God I'm such a dickhead. I never even thought that'd be any relation to you. Mind you the only time I ever saw your brother was at a GST seminar where there was free alcohol and we were all rather drunk and Ralph pissed in his glass and he drank it. Probably shouldn't have told you that, should not have told you that," Julia babbled.
          "Oh please, I've done worse to him," Harold laughed.

          Chris opened the front door and hurried to turn the air conditioning on before making his way out the back to find Bear and bring him inside. Penny stayed inside to get Nero out of his box and make sure he was settled before she did anything else.
          Chris stepped through the sliding glass doors that led onto the patio and scanned the yard for a sign of Bear. It wasn't until he yelled for the dog that he noticed a dark shape that had been swimming in the pool, turn and make a beeline for him. Bear hauled his sopping body out of the pool and dashed over to Chris.
          "Oh god no," he groaned as he realised he was about to be drenched. In what seemed to Chris as slow motion, he watched as Bear started to shake the water out of his coat the individual drops of water flew out in every direction.
          Penny had settled Nero and given him some food before going out to join Chris. She walked out onto the patio and saw a sopping wet Chris flat on his back being licked enthusiastically by Bear.
          "He missed you then," Penny said, matter of factly. This turned out to be a mistake as Bear stopped his tongue bath on Chris, turned on Penny, knocked her over and started licking her. She squealed and struggled under his weight but that only hyped the dog up more. Chris was laughing so hard that it took him a little while to pull the dog off Penny, by which time she was also soaked through. He helped her to her feet and they made their way back into the house.
          "Well I guess we'd better get these wet clothes of then," Chris murmured as he moved towards Penny and started to undo the buttons on her shirt. Penny had just pulled Chris's shirt off and was running her tongue along his collarbone when the doorbell rang.
          "Whoever it is get rid of them," she demanded. "You've got a big backyard. There's plenty of room to bury a corpse."
          "What am I gonna kill them with?"
          "How about…This?" Penny chirped as she picked up a garish brass candlestick that was two inches thick and one foot long.
          "Okay I'll open the door," Chris sighed as he opened the door.
          "Hi Friends!"
          "Julian."
          "I just thought I'd drop by and we could catch up on everything from work since you two weren't there today."
          "Yeah. Penny's refrigerator exploded…Very nasty…Lots of casualties."
          "Well if there's anything I can do don't hesitate to ask." He looked at Penny, turned bright red, then looked away. "Have I come at a bad time?"
          "Why do you ask?"
          "You seem to be in a state of undress."
          Penny looked down at herself and realised that her white shirt had gone see though, was half unbuttoned and her bra was showing.
          "No I always dress like a whore when I'm at home," Penny chirped.
          "You should see her in the leather corset," Chris said, then growled.
          "Why don't you take a seat and Chris and I'll go and redress," Penny suggested as she pointed to the comfy chair in the corner. The pair made their way into the bedroom and started to change into dry clothes. Penny was in her underwear rifling through Chris's drawers.
          "What are you doing?"
          "All my clothes are in my bag in the lounge."
          "Why don't you walk out there like that then. Give Julian a thrill."
          "No thanks. Aren't you going to put anything on?" Penny asked as she pulled a t-shirt out of the drawer and slipped it over her head.
          "I don't wanna wear clothes," he answered. "You think we could just…"
          "No."
          "But what about…"
          "No."
          "You could give me a…"
          "NO! Definitely not."
          "Why not?"
          "One word…Julian."
          "Oh so let him listen. It'll probably be the most action he ever gets."
          "Chris, you really need to put some clothes on."
          "I think you should take yours off."
          "Christopher I'll do something nasty to you with a tenderizing mallet if you don't put some clothes on."
          "Only if I can do something kinky with the egg timer," he chirped as he pulled a pair of shorts out and put them on
          "You're not putting any underwear on?"
          "What's the point. I don't even plan to be wearing the shorts for long."
          "Well just, keep your legs closed."

          "Ross you've gotta stop finding excuses to come into my office all the time," Kirsty sighed as Ross sat on the desk for the fifth time that afternoon.
          "You might need your post-it notes rearranged."
          "Just like I needed my pencils polished last time you were in here?"
          "And the paper clips needed to be colour coordinated."
          "Ross I'm trying to work."
          Ross slid off the desk, into Kirsty's lap, wrapped his arms around her neck and gave her big puppy dog eyes. "Need me," he whimpered.
          "What like bread dough or like a homeless child?"
          "If it's the bread dough one can I pick where you knead?"
          "Ross if you don’t leave I'm going to take my newly polished pencil and stick it somewhere unpleasant."
          "Well if you're thinking of my nose I already used them to pick it earlier."
          Kirsty looked at the pencil she was chewing on, then at Ross, still in her lap.
          "Ew."
          "Oh come on you've gotta give me something. If I'm not gonna see you 'til later because you have to have dinner with the ugly stepsisters, you've got to give me something now."
          "I'll give you a tissue."
          "Are you giving me the tissue for when you make me cry or for other…solo activities?"
          "Ross, what are people gonna think if they walk in here and see you on my lap?"
          "Is that before or after the tissue?"
          "Will you just leave the tissue alone."
          "What am I gonna use then?"
          "I'll give you a kiss then," Kirsty mused as she brought her lips to Ross's. They were millimetres away when a yell rang out.
          "ANDERSON!"
          "Do you know what I'm going to do to him?"
          "Tell me."
          "I'm going to…" Kirsty tuned out to check an email and only managed to catch "…use his testicles as really weird furry marbles."
          "ANDERSON!"
          "You should go now."
          Ross reluctantly got off of Kirsty's lap and ran out of the office.
          "Mr. Truman," he perked.

          Julia checked her watch for the third time and wondered where Kirsty and Penny where and even if they'd show up at all. It'd been her turn to choose the restaurant and she'd picked one of the trendy little cafés in O'Connell Street. It was another five minutes before Penny turned up wearing Julia's brand new knee length black skirt and black top with the roses.
          "God I didn't even get to wear that skirt and that's my favourite top," she muttered as Penny sat down.
          "Fucking Julian," she spat.
          "Why, hello Penny. Nice to see you."
          "Turns up uninvited, ruins my afternoon with Chris."
          "I got offered a job."
          "His shirt was all wet and smoothed all over his perfect body."
          "Who, Julian?"
          "No Chris you dickhead."
          "I'll have you know there haven't been any dicks near my head in quite a while."
          "Hi people!" Kirsty beamed as she sat down at the table.
          "Speaking of someone who has," Julia chided.
          "Sorry I'm late. I got caught."
          "Caught where?" Penny asked.
          "Well…In Ross's zip actually."
          "Told you."
          "Told you what?" Kirsty asked, baffled.
          "So what are we ordering?" Penny piped up, checking her watch.
          "I think I'm going to have…chicken schnitzel and chips," Julia perked.
          "Me too," Kirsty added.
          "Don't you two eat anything else?"
          "So sorry miss cultured woman there," Julia sarced.
          "Don't you eat anything that isn't covered in something that looks like it's drizzled out a cat's arse?" Kirsty asked.
          Penny looked revolted. "I am never going out in public with you two again."
          "So how was your day Jools?" Kirsty asked.
          "I got head hunted."
          "Wasn't very successful then."
          "No you stupid blonde…I was offered a job…At Robson's."
          "And you expect me to know who they are?" Kirsty asked. "I'll say congratulations and pretend I care." She discreetly checked her watch.

          Ross threw off his jacket the minute he walked through the door to his apartment. He took his tie off as he made his way into the kitchen and undid some buttons on his shirt as he opened the fridge.
          "Beer. Need a beer…Where are you beer? Beer?" He peered into the fridge but couldn't see any beer in there. He did, however, find a jar of mini gherkins.
          "Mini gherkins? How the hell did they get in here? I don't even like mini gherkins. She doesn't even like mini gherkins. This is a conspiracy." He held the jar close to his face and pointed a finger at it. "Did you steal my beer?" Not getting a response, he thrust the jar back into the fridge and realised that he'd have to walk to the bottle shop, which was on the corner of the block. By the time he got back from the bottle shop he'd drunk half the six pack. He peeled off the rest of his clothes as he went to put the beer in the fridge. By then, he was only in his Spiderman undies. He put the beer in the fridge, grabbed the mini gherkins and put them in the crisper.
          "Now you wont be able to steal my beer you little bastards," he cussed. "Hot, hot I'm still so hot." He opened the freezer, pulled out the ice cube tray and was going to put a few in a glass and have an ice cold drink. He had a handful of ice cubes when the crisper door sprung open, knocking the ice out of his hand and onto his crotch.
          "Jesus!" he gasped as he jumped around to shake the ice off. "You little fuckers! I'll get you mini gherkins. Once I get the feeling back in my groin." He dashed into the bedroom.
          "Gotta find something…Gotta warm it up…I've considered freezing sperm but this is ridiculous." He noticed Kirsty's hairdryer plugged in by the bed and grabbed it, turned it on and aimed it at his groin. After a few minutes he let out a yell.
          "BURNIES, BURNIES HARDRYER BURNIES! Oh no I've singed my pubes."

          "Have I mentioned I'm being sexually harassed by my boss?" Kirsty announced. Penny choked on her wine and Julia gagged on a fry.
          "No that hasn't come up in conversation," Julia said once she'd dislodged the fry.
          "What's he done?" Penny asked still gasping for breath.
          "So far it's mostly leering…But he did inadvertently pat my arse when I was at the filing cabinet."
          "People leer at my breasts."
          "That's so they don’t have to look at your face," Kirsty retorted. Julia threw a fry at her.
          "I'm offended by that and she didn't even say it to me," Penny announced and slapped Kirsty around the head.
          "OW!" Kirsty rubbed her head.
          "So are you gonna tell Ross?" Julia asked.
          "God no…While the thought of him cracking the shits at Truman on my behalf is both hysterical and a bit of a turn on…"
          "Oh please you get turned on by the Transformers," Penny interrupted.
          "Optimus Prime does have that sexy voice."
          "So what are you going to do?" Julia asked.
          "I'm going to go into denial and pretend it's not happening."
          "Yeah that always works," Penny sarced.

          Liam sat in his lounge room looking through a manila folder of work he'd brought home from the office.
          "If I get this stuff finished I can have the rest of the night to do whatever I want," he mused as he picked up a pen and paper and started to work. As he put his pen to the paper he was suddenly plunged into darkness. "Or maybe not." He got off the couch and looked out the window and saw that all the streetlights were out.
          "Great. Hottest night of the fucking year and there's a blackout. What can I do now?" he pondered as he sat back on the couch. "Sit in the dark and masturbate? Nah, that's not gonna take the whole night and it's too hot."
          He lay back on the couch and tried to make himself comfy as he felt the heat building up. "I could pull back the curtain and make shadow puppets…with my penis…No that'd lead back to masturbation."
          He thought for a little while longer. "I'd better look for a torch or candles or something." He slowly made his way into the kitchen where he was sure he had some candles stashed in a drawer. He was feeling his way in the dark and going quite well when the corner of the table connected with his groin rather severely. Wiping the tears from his eyes he leant against the table.
          "Well, there goes all hope of masturbation."
          Once the pain had subsided, he managed to find a candle and some matches. The candle was a hideous aromatherapy candle that was supposed to smell like sandalwood but he always though they smelled like someone's armpit. Being a man and therefore not having a candleholder, he set the candle in a glass and placed it on the coffee table. He grabbed the matches, lit the flame and watched as the lights came back on. He picked up the pen to start doing more work and had just touched the pen to paper when the lights flicked off again.
          "Fuck it, I'm going out," he snapped as he grabbed his wallet and keys and left.

          "So have you managed to bed that nice young man yet?" Kirsty asked.
          "What nice young man?" Penny asked.
          "I assume you mean Liam and no."
          "Well what the hell's wrong with you?" Kirsty asked.
          "Who's Liam?" Penny asked.
          "Liam's an accountant, he's aboriginal which means he's black and you know what that means?" Kirsty grinned.
          "So Jools, is he hung like a horse?" Penny asked.
          "I just said I hadn't bedded him."
          "So? You don't need to bed him to see him naked," Kirsty perked.
          "I wasn't sleeping with Chris and I saw him butt naked," Penny announced.
          "Ooh can we talk more about Chris being naked?" Kirsty asked.
          "We were talking about me here," Julia sighed. "For once we were talking about me."
          "It's always about you, you, you," Penny declared.
          "Well it makes a change from talking about how you and Chris were so busy having sex you forgot to go to work," Julia spat. "And how you and Ross destroyed the shower curtain."
          "I like that story," Kirsty grinned. "It's much more interesting than your doing nothing with Liam."
          "I don't think discovering that White King Super Strong Bleach burns through thin plastic is very exciting personally," Julia announced.
          "Hey you know what else it burns through?" Penny asked. "It melts feather dusters…Don't ask me how I know."
          "Hey we were talking about me here…ME!"
          "Have you rooted Liam in the last five minutes?" Kirsty asked.
          "No."
          "Then we're not talking to you."
          "You two are so shallow," Julia spat. "All you've done all night is look at your watches. I'm so sorry that our weekly TRADITION is interrupting the time you could be spending on your backs."
          "Actually I'm usually up against the…" Kirsty trailed off as she realised Julia didn't really care about that.
          "You can't get good friction in the bathtub," Penny mused.
          "That's it! I'm calling it a night. I'm going home to sit BY MYSELF cos nobody cares."
          "Well in that case I'm going home to continue what I started earlier with Chris. Hopefully Julian's fucked off by now otherwise he'll be watching," Penny announced.
          "And I'm going to smear Ross in chocolate sauce," Kirsty said wistfully. "Did I just say that aloud?"
          "Right I'm leaving," Julia stood up and made her way to the bus stop.
          "Pen, the least you can do is give her a lift since you're going in that direction," Kirsty mused.
          "No. She's being a right bitch. Let her catch the bus with the other freaks," Penny shrugged. The pair laughed before going their separate ways.

          Chris had decided that he'd give Bear a bath since he had nothing else to do. It'd only taken an hour for him to get rid of Julian once Penny had left. Bear watched him as he collected all the doggy shampoos and got the bath ready on the patio.
          "Ready for your bath Bear?" Chris asked. Bear got up and trotted over to him, looked in the tub of water and had a drink.
          "You're such a dickhead," Chris laughed as he grabbed Bear's mammoth sized front paws and pushed them into the tub. He then went around and put the back half of the dog into the water, without knowing his front feet were back on the patio. After a bit of wrestling, Chris managed to get Bear's entire girth in the bath and was soon soaping him up.
          All was going well until Nero padded over to Chris and rubbed against his legs. Chris stroked Nero's head and the cat purred appreciatively. Bear looked at Nero, let out a yelp and bolted out of the tub and straight into the house.
          "NNNNOOOOOOO!" Chris screeched as he dashed after the dog.
          Bear ran into the kitchen, lost his footing as he tried to turn and slid out of the room, leaving a trail of foam and water behind him. Chris sped into the kitchen, slipped on the suds and went flying across the room and ended up sprawled on the rug in the lounge. He pulled himself to his feet and saw Bear looking sheepish before he bolted for the bedroom and took a flying leap onto the bed, before rolling around on the fresh sheets. When Chris made it into the bedroom the sheets were sopping wet and slightly muddy. He managed to grab Bear, who'd reverted to bouncing around like a puppy, and had to drag him outside.
          "Tomorrow you're going to the dog's home. I've had it. That's it," Chris told him. Bear barked happily at him before dashing around the backyard a few times, his wet paws slipping on the tiles surrounding the pool and plunging into the chlorinated water.
          "Stupid fucking mutt," Chris muttered as he went inside to fix the damage in the bedroom.

          Kirsty walked into the apartment and found Ross sprawled on the couch in his undies.
          "Well that saves me a lot of time," she announced as she sat on him.
          "What'd you bring for dessert?" he asked. She reached into her bag and pulled out a big bottle of chocolate sauce. "What? That's it?"
          "You don’t know what I'm going to do with it."
          "I don't care as long as it's not administered internally."
          "Come on." Kirsty got up, grabbed Ross's hand and led him into the kitchen. "Have you ever heard of Splosh parties?"
          "It's nothing to do with children in gumboots is it?"
          Kirsty just smiled as she undid the lid and tipped the entire contents of the bottle over his head
          "Right," Ross said slowly. "I still have no idea…What happens now? Do we get the mini gherkins now?"
          "Mini gherkins? Why do you have mini gherkins? You don’t even like gherkins. I don't even like gherkins," she mused as she smeared the chocolate sauce over his naked torso.
          "So…What's for dessert?"
          "You."
          "Right…So…What's for my dessert? And what's the point of the chocolate sauce?"
          "First…I remove these restricting clothes," Kirsty mused as she pulled her shirt over her head. "Then, I do this." She licked some sauce off his cheek.
          "What do I get to do?"
          "Well, I'm hoping that once we're butt naked, some of that chocolate sauce will end up on me. And you'll get to do this…" Kirsty licked a dribble of chocolate off his chest. "…To me."
          "Can we have this for dessert every night?"
          "I was thinking we could have butterscotch pudding tomorrow night."
          "Sounds good to me," Ross purred as he pulled her into a hug and smeared some of the chocolate sauce all over her "But I get to do the smearing thing," he added before they shared a chocolate kiss.

          Penny walked into the bedroom to find Chris changing the sheets.
          "You know I was hoping to continue where we left off but you didn't have to go and get soaked again," she announced as her eyes traveled over his body. "Why are you changing the bed?" she asked.
          "Bear left a wet patch."
          "I always knew you and that dog had an unhealthy relationship."
          "It wasn't like that…There was a bathtub incident."
          "You bath with the dog?"
          "No…See…He was in the bath, and then a pussy came along and he got excited and we ended up wrestling around on the bed."
          "That sounds like a bestiality porn movie you know."
          "Speaking from experience are we?"
          "Wouldn't you like to know."
          "Well I am asking."
          "Well there was a donkey once…But I'm not going to go into that."
          "Right…And how did dinner go?"
          "I had the fish and we insulted Jools…They were the good bits. I didn't pay much attention to the rest…I kept thinking of other things."
          "What other things?" Chris asked as he looked completely baffled by a pillowcase.
          "Oh pretty much you butt naked."
          "Well I still am only wearing the shorts. They might accidentally fall down or something."
          "Funny. I might accidentally help them on their way."
          "I've got one more pillowcase to put on then the bed will be changed," Chris announced as he put the last pillowcase on, put the pillow back on the bed and turned to Penny. "Now what was that about you helping my shorts accidentally fall off?"
          There was the sound of feet thumping their way towards the room. Before they could shut the door on him, Bear bounded through the door, leapt towards the bed and landed in the middle of the freshly made sheets.
          "BEAR!" Penny and Chris hollered.

          Julia arrived home and was still in a foul mood with Penny and Kirsty. She'd decided that since there was quite a nice breeze she'd open up the house. As she walked through it opening the windows she mumbled to herself.
          "Bitches. I'm never having dinner with them again. Ever! Not even if I had a gun to my head and were told I'd be killed if I didn't…Chris has money, Chris is perfect. If I hear one more thing about Chris's pert buttocks I think I'll spew…And as for Ross…that hairy little mutt should have been put in a hessian sack and thrown into a river."
          She opened the back door and squealed as she saw a figure standing there. She tentatively flicked the light switch and illuminated the porch.
          "Hey Sunshine."
          "Jesus fucking…you stupid native Australian. What do you wanna do give me a heart attack? There's a reason none of your lot are left in Tasmania."
          "That's not exactly the greeting I was expecting."
          "I wasn't expecting a large man to be at my back door at 11:45 at night."
          "Yeah well I wasn’t expecting Port Adelaide to forget that electricity is useful."
          "That's Port Adelaide for you. Bunch of fuckwits," Julia cussed as she stepped aside to let him in. He walked into the kitchen, pulled a pack of frozen carrots out of the freezer and held them to his groin.
          "Why are you sexually assaulting my frozen carrots?" Julia asked.
          "I was attacked by the corner of a vicious table…My sperm have been maimed."
          "Right, and now I have a mental image of sperm with splints," Julia mused as she filled the kettle with water and turned it on. "Just out of curiosity…Why are you here?"
          "It's hot, there's a blackout at home, I didn't have any air conditioning and I couldn't think of anywhere I'd rather be."
          "What? Sitting in my backyard watching the dog lick his balls?"
          "Can I stay the night?"