In December we went to see Christmas lights just loved them. I giggled and smiled the whole time! Mommy and Daddy love me so much they tell me everyday. Conner and I are the best of friends now. I still dont understand that he is going to die, all I know is that he and I have a bond that nothing will break and my family is trying to deal with all the best they can. On Christmas I got a ball pit for my big present and I was so excited to see it while I was crawling down the hall that I was going so fast and almost fell over on my face. When I finally got to it, I was happy that I stood up and thought about walking, but then I figured not yet and just crawled into the pit instead. I got all kinds of other toys too, lots of babies and music toys. I just love Chirstmas time, everyone is just so happy. We had a nice dinner together and afterwards I thought about walking again, I actually took my first 3 steps! But I just wasnt ready to walk across that big living room yet so I went back to crawling.
In January I was just a little over 9 months old, and felt brave this day. I walked across the room all by myself while mom and dad were taping me!! They were so so excited and picked me up and kissed me all over, then told me over and over how proud they were of me. Conner was happy too, even though he didnt say anything- cause he cant talk, I know what he is feeling and he is proud of me too! Mommy took me this month to get my first professional pictures done, and I ofcourse smiled in every picure! They all told me how beautiful I looked.
March is here and everyone is getting ready for me and Conners birthdays. My grandma Linda is coming from California and I havent seen her since I was born. Easter is on Conners birthday this year, so we are going to have a busy weekend. I have grown into a little doll baby my other grandma calls me, and my hair is starting to grow a little more. I can say alot of words now, but the only thing I am missing is teeth, I dont have any yet. My favorite foods are tomatoes and cheese, and my favorite drink is apple juice. I love all my baby dolls and feed them all the time with their bottles. I have alot of pets here and love them all too. I have had a great first year and everyone always tells me that I am such a good girl.
On March 27th Cailee turned one! We had a birthday party for her and she invited all her little friends. She posed for all the pictures as she dove into her cake and got it everywhere. It was just a perfect party for our little princess. Three days later was Conners 2nd birthday which also was Easter. Conner was extremely tired all day but Cailee sure wasnt. She woke up to her Easter basket and was so thrilled that the Easter bunny had come to visit her. Her and I dyed eggs, but she wanted her brother to do some too, so I helped him dye a couple. He laughed as she said good boy to him! We took the kids to the Fernbank museum for the day, then later that night poor little Conner was so tired - but little sister wouldnt let us forget about his cake, so we lit his candles and helped him blow them out.
In April we had a scary morning one day, we were all getting ready for therapy when I looked over at Conner and he was blue. I called 911 and was in a complete panic, Cailee was scared to death and was screaming. By the time the ambulance came Conner had started breathing again, and we all drove in the ambulance to the hospital. Cailee was very scared because this was all too much. We came home that night to respiratory therapy people waiting for us, who hooked Conner up to all kids of machines. We now had the sound of Conners heart beat heard throughout the house. They also brought oxygen which Cailee for sure wanted to get her hands on, but she had to stay away from. Over the next week or so Conner continued to have episodes of stopping breathing and Cailee was always right there with a definate look of worry on her face. We had to do whatever we could do get him to breathe again and that really scared her. It was soon as Conner continued to stuggle that we decided to have Rodeys mom come to help out. We made this decision after one night she walked over to her brother and ripped the oxygen out of is nose and hit the beeping machine and screamed and cried NO.
Over the next few months things did calm some and Conner was on meds to control his seizures, and I tried my best to make sure that Cailee got all the attention she deserved - yet it was still hard. We included her in everything and she was always there to help. Cailee started to miss being able to play with her brother like she had been able to do before, he couldnt even laugh or smile anymore when she would come over to him. The disease was starting to get to him, and his little brain wasnt working anymore like it used to. I know Cailee couldnt possible understand what was going on, we then started to tell her that he was sick.
We went on the boat alot over the summer and Cailee loved that. We tried to do as many things with her that we could, and tried to act as normal as we could, though we still knew in the back of our heads that soon one of our children would be joining god and leaving our family. We tried to make sure that everyday Cailee knew that we loved her more then anything. When we would get home from an outting away from the house she would run over to her brother and hug and kiss him. I think sometime during this month that she knew in her heart just how sick Conner was and that she is starting to worry right along with us which she shouldnt be doing at a year and 4 months old.
By the end of the year Christmas was coming again and by now our little girl was talking up a storm. We all had a wonderfl holiday and she got everything and then some!! Conner had started to have laughing seizures and Cailee was thrilled once again to hear him laugh. We made sure we took tons of pictures of the kids together.
As New years came around Cailee continued to thrive, and Conner continued to slip away.
On Cailee's 2nd birthday we took her to the Atlanta Zoo, just mom, dad and Cailee. We all spent a wonderful day together. She was dressed up in her birthday dress that she demanded to wear and looked like the princess she is. We came home to open presents and had cake and ice cream, and ended the night with a good hot bath for both of the kids. Next came Conners 3rd birthday, this one we had been dreading because it was likely to be his last. We made the most of it though, and took him to the Imax theatre in Tennesee. We came home and had a party for him, and Cailee was excited for him. We were all proud of him for making it this far and since he could no longer show any kind of emotion at all, Cailee kept telling him Happy Birthday brother!!
Soon I made the call to hospice, and nurses started coming to see Conner. Cailee turned into a little nurse and borrowed their equipment to help check Conner out. In every event of our lives now Cailee was trying to help as much as she could, and we knew what a blessing this little girl was to our lives. I often thought to myself that I couldnt of made it this far without her bringing a light to the end of my dark tunnel I sometimes felt I was in. She was a ray of light, one that we needed to see us through. Cailee never complained and never fussed about the lack of attention she sometimes received, all she wanted is to help.
The year went on and Conner still was slipping further and further away, he ended up in the hosptial in the summer because of seizures and Cailee stayed at the hospital with us, she would get up in bed with her brother and watch movies with him while holding his hand and telling him that we would get to go home when he got better. He would look over at her, I am sure he always knew what she was saying to him. No matter how sick or drugged he ever was, he still would open his eyes and turn his head towards her. My children had a bond that was so strong that I was starting to worry about what would happen when he did pass away. I started to talk to Cailee about how sick Conner really was when we got home from the hospital, and told her that he would die soon, she said I know mommy. I told her that he would be in heaven, and she would say right mommy with God.
We had another wonderful Christmas with the kids, but we knew that this was Conners last. We took tons of pictures again, and on Christmas eve, we even helped Conner make some cookies to stay with the tradition we had been doing every year before. In January we took a trip to Florida, where we soon decided to move too. Cailee loved the ocean and would run along the sand. She collected shells and starfish. She learned to make sandcastles and sand snowangels. But soon the fun came to a halt ...... On March 13th Conner passed away at 6:10 in the morning. We were all there, we didnt want Cailee to see the funeral people come in and take Conners little body away, so they waited outside and dad took Cailee in to say goodbye to Conner. She kissed his head and told him that we were going somewhere and would be back soon. We took her to the beach where we told her that infact her brother had died. She got tears in her eyes and said "but I will miss him" we said so will we, we will miss him always. She said "but now I dont have a brother anymore, its just me". We said yes baby its just you now. I told her though, Conner will always be your brother and he will watch over you from heaven now. That night we were all alone - the 3 of us now for the first time ever. Cailee was very sad all day and you could tell she wasnt acting like her self. She went into the bedroom where Conners bed was and grabbed his blanket. She went back to the couch and layed down with it, and told us she just wanted to be alone. We left Cailee to mourn not only her brother but her best friend. 4 days later was the funeral, where Cailee walked in to annouce: Look everyone - Look at Conners beautiful blue box!! Ofcourse there were many tears shed after hearing that one. She held up well during the hour long service, and then we all went to the cemetery where we did a balloon release for Conner. Cailee proudly held her single blue balloon and let it go when it was time saying, here you go Conner!! We followed the services with a trip to Disneyworld just for our daughter. This was now the first day of the rest of our lives with just her, It was now time for everything to be just about her, and she had the time of her life in Orlando.
Weeks following the passing of Cailee's brother were an adjustment for us all. Cailee wasnt used to all the attention she was now getting. She would even get mad now and then because it was just too much for her. But it didnt take her long to realize that it was kinda fun to have everything now revolving around her, and she definatly made the most of it!! She talked about Conner everyday and would even look into the clouds and say "Hi Conner I love you"
On Cailee's 3rd birthday she had a very special thing happen to her. We got her a swing set as her big present this year and she was outside swinging and enjoying her party when all of the sudden she ran over to us and said
"Mommy, daddy I just saw Conner and he was swinging with me" we said great Cailee. She said" He told me Happy Birthday and that he loved me always". We said awww Cailee thats wonderful. Then she looked at us and asked "but why didnt Conner ever talk to me before?" We said well because he wasnt an angel before! She said "oh yeah thats rights, and thats why he can walk now and he couldnt before right!!!" All we could imagine right then was that our little girl had just had an experience that we hoped she would never forget but that she got to witness first hand that her brother was now well and could not only talk to her but she saw him walk, and how incredible is that!! |
