The Day I Don't Remember
I was bored on a Friday night, I had no where in particular to go, and all my friends were either with their significant other (of which, I don't have) or doing something retarded (like watching Brokeback Mountain). So I call one of my best buddies, Josh, to see what he was up to.
Josh lives in a magical place called Troy. I had been there once before on a church camp trip (not the infamous Mormon Church Camp Story), but that was years ago, and with a bunch of weird mormon people (I did end up meeting a really sweet girl there that I dated for awhile afterwards, who I dumped for being stupid). I'll start off by saying this: Troy is the shit, but Josh is even higher than the shit. He is the shittiest, and I mean that in the best possible way.
I called him up, and made an impulse decision to visit him. I took the money that I didn't have and drove the 2 and a half hours it took to get to him. I arrived at 11 O'clock Friday night, and this is where I started.
Josh belongs to the Sigma Chi fraternity, who happened to be throwing a party that night. With a handle of whiskey and ginger ale in both hands, I was ready to get fucked up. Which I did. Promptly. Not even 30 minutes of being there, I was tanked. We first met a few girls who were rather cute. Unfortunately (for them), I was a little too drunk, and when I get to this point of drunk I usually only 1) go for Fat Bitches if I'm a wingman and 2) become a complete asshole to anything hot (if I'm not winging it, then exclude option 1 and refer to option 2). I love my drunken self. The conversation went like this:
Girl 1: "Hey where are you guys from?"
Me: "Well I'm living in Mobile, but I'm originally from Seattle."
Girl 1: "MY BROTHER IS FROM SEATTLE!" (in the most annoying squeaky voice I've ever had the displeasure of hearing)
Me: ".......YAY!" (in the most annoying squeaky voice I've ever produced, mimicking hers)
Of course, me and Josh are the only two who find this downright hilarious. Although Girl 2 was offended since it was her best friend, she found it slightly funny, thus I become slightly attractive to her. That, or I'm very conceited. Probably option two. Either way, she was talking and flirting with me. Unfortunately (for her), I'm still the same asshole as previously demonstrated.
Girl 2: "So whats your major?"
Me: "Something cooler than yours."
Girl 2: "HAHA, oh hush! Really what is it?"
Me: "Informational Technology."
Girl 2: "Oh thats cool. I'm political science."
Me: "Told you."
She found this funny as well. I had to bring out the big guns.
Girl 2: "So what do you do for a living?"
Me: "I'm in the military."
Girl 2: "Oh my dad was in the military. What do you do in the military?"
Me: "Kill babies."
Tyler-Brock's Rule #7: There's nothing funnier that will chase a girl away than a dead baby joke.
Had I been sober, I probably would have went for her. I might have been going for her actually, I don't remember perfectly. But a good laugh was my main goal. I almost started crying after her facial expression.
They left. The biggest turn off about Girl 2 was her complete lack of a sense of humor for dead babies. Bitch. Whatever. I proceeded to hang out with Josh the remainder of the night and we went back to his apartment.
I wake up. Still drunk. I don't know what's going on, and I don't remember how I got to the bed. But the most important question of the morning was "Where's the alcohol?"
I drunk walked outside to my car and grabbed the whiskey. Coming back, I realized you needed a key to get back into the apartments. Luckily, a cutie comes up and opens it for me, to which I said "thanks woman" and walked in. I said it in a funny way yet degrading, and she laughed. She totally wanted my drunken, unshaven, unbathed cock. I should have given it to her.
I get a shower, then Josh gets one, and we go get some food. We get back to the apartments, and, as you might have guessed by reading the title of the story, we began to drink again.
Some 8 shots of whiskey later, I'm beyond tanked. I don't remember leaving the apartment, I hardly remember shots 4 through 8, but I do remember that we went to a tailgate. I conversed with many, drunk out of my goddamn mind, and a lot of those people I went to high school and college with. A lot of people kept asking "Dude, are you okay?" to which I responded "Yeah dude I'm fine" but it probably came out "shitz faceds dudze man FUCKD uperooftop."
At some point in time, Josh leaves me. The worst part is I'm lost as fuck. The funnier part is there was only 4 large tents, and I kept thinking that this should be easy to navigate, but I could not for the fucking life of me find out where the hell I was at. I find a couch underneath some frat houses tent, and I pass out. I'm truly amazed that I was not wrote on.
First reaction when I rose from my drunken sleep (still drunk):"Where am I, what time is it, and do I have a penis on my face?"
1) No clue, still.
2) Time for more booze, and 4:30.
3) ...I don't care.
I walk around some more, and Josh shows up. He proceeds to tell me that it's time to go to the football game.
Troy, a not-so-hot football team, ended up stomping the shit out of some other team. 54ish points to like 3. It was bad. Beyond that, this very attractive black girl with curly hair kept accidentally bumping her ass into me.
That's all I remember about the game.
We end up back at the apartments again. What?
Josh: "Nap time dude."
Sometime before nap time, I had a hot pocket.
I wake up, slightly sober, but still buzzing. I really have no idea where or what I've done for about 5 hours. But I do know this: Josh, that awesome asshole, woke up before I did, and invited women over.
YES!!
I wake up, start taking more shots of whiskey. The handle is almost half done, and that's only between me and Josh in a single day. I Love Troy. The girls he invited over were very attractive to say the least. Both a little boring, but one girl definitely proved her worth. We will call her Awesomesauce.
Awesomesauce: "Hey, Tyler-Brock, who's Chand?"
Tyler-Brock: "My ex, why?"
Awesomesauce: "She's calling you. Want me to answer it and pretend you're having sex with someone?"
Tyler-Brock: "...Of course I do."
This girl is the shit.
Awesomesauce's conversation with my ex, Chand:
"Yeah... well Tyler-Brock is kind of busy... well, you see, he's like in the back... some girl... yeah I think they're fucking... he's really cute... you're who?... yeah I'll tell him you called... well, it's my turn now, she just got done, I'll talk to you later."
What do you say to that? How awesome is this chick? Fucking awesome. That's why I dubbed her Awesomesauce.
To the Sigma Chi!
I had way too much to drink. I had WAY to much to drink. Let me reiterate... I had WAAAAY to much to drink. I literally drank so much, whenever I found Josh, all I could do was stand next to him like his fucking body guard and think "Where the fuck am I and how did I get here?" I could have been raped that night and I couldn't tell you about it. Towards the end of the night, I spoke to a lot of girls after the drunkenness wore off a bit. The disappointment? None were interesting enough for me to feed my dick to. Too bad for them.
The other girl at the apartment, Vanessa we'll call her, wanted to go to McDonald's with me and Josh. I was hungry, and if there's anything I'm good at, it's manipulation, so I convinced her it was a great idea to buy me McDonald's. Turns out Josh didn't want to go, so it was just me and her.
We went through the drive through, which at 4 in the morning was fucking packed. Troy never sleeps, and neither does their McDonald's staff members. We ordered some breakfast platter thing she wanted, and I ordered 2 McMuffins. We paid for it, then the guy at the window was like "2 breakfast platters?
Vanessa was all "No wait that's not right---" and I cut that bitch off for being stupid.
Tyler-Brock: "Yeah dude, that's it."
McDonald's Loser: "Oh, okay, coming right up."
Vanessa, if you read this, you owe me a breakfast platter.
She was totally going to correct the dude. Luckily, she had me there. We got the food, went to the apartments, ate, and then she left.
I know what you're thinking. "Tyler-Brock didn't get laid in Troy?" Pretty much. But it's not always about getting laid. Sometimes, you just got to get really, really, REALLY fucked up and cockblock yourself. Which I did. And I don't regret a fucking moment.
I wake up with the worst hangover I've ever had in my life. Josh wanted to eat, but I wasn't up for it, I probably would have puked had I ate with him. So I drove home with the worst headache ever, and proceeded with my life, to live another day. I healed for the rest of that one, then got smashed later the next. That's my life.
Tyler-Brock