The Intrusion
This story... I don't know what to think of it. I really don't. I have seen the one thing I never wanted to see, and I am forever distraught. But it's funny, and I dare not hold back such a good story from the world.
It was my friends birthday, Ray, and we started the night out at a bar called Hurricanes. Let me start the story off with the main concentration here: Ray is gay (call me Dr. Seuss cause I just busted a rhyme). His 21st birthday at that, so you know we are going to have a blast. I walked upstairs to see a shit ton of my friends and hot chicks. Tyler-Brock is excited, gay guys always bring around the hottest women. I sat at the end of the table, where the coolest person always sits (I'm pretty positive they saved the spot for me), next to an extremely hot girl we will refer to as B.
The name B has absolutely nothing to do with this broad's cup size, mainly because these TaTa's are huge. She's beautiful, and she's totally awesome. Unfortunately, she's taken, which means she is off limits. Now, I know most of you are thinking "Tyler-Brock, when has a boyfriend EVER stopped you, you mother fucking manly stud?" Trust me, he wasn't, I would steal this girl in the amount of time it takes Oprah to pinch a loaf, but it was stopping her, which made her that much cooler and more desirable to me. But, even with my extraordinary powers of seduction, I could not overcome the love she had for this man. Side note: the guy is a fucking idiot. A total loser. I hope she reads this, because she can do WAY better.
Me and B are chatting it up, there's this guy next to her, Chris, who has no idea why he's dating this girl he's been with for a year, rumors are floating around that he's gay, Ray is hitting on him like no tomorrow, there's this other extremely hot girl, Annette, with another nice pair of Conga drums that I'd like to pound on, Mia is down the table (Ray's chick roommate, she's really awesome), and some others that I'm acquainted with and the rest I have no idea.
This bar is really awesome. It's a brewery, actually, they make their own beer there and serve it, and most of it tastes pretty good and it's loaded with alcohol. They are serving us, I order chicken wings, stuff up on those, and before we know it it's time to go grab money from Ray and Mia's apartment. We have a $225 dollar bar tab. We are fucking tanked.
Me and B decide to take her car. We have a good conversation on the way there. Nothing spectacular. Her boyfriend just so happens to be driving by when we arrive at the apartments and she talks to him while I go inside.
Ray and Mia were at the apartment before we were. Annette came along and so did Chris. The very first thing I noticed was a huge, veiny, purple headed cock on the TV. Ray is trying to get Chris to come out the closet to which Chris is getting very, very pissed because his girlfriend is on the way. I'm not sure to this day if Chris is or is not gay, but if you want my personal opinion...
Flaming Homosexual.
What was a straight guy to do in this situation? One guy is 150% gay, another isn't sure if he's gay or not (I'd put him around 76% gay), there's huge dicks on the TV, and a bunch of hot girls sitting around in this awkward shituation (I spelt that right).
I'll tell you what this straight guy did, he grabbed a beer and started hitting on the girl who had the Congo's waiting to be pounced on. She was on the couch, which was in front of the TV though. I had to make a decision, so I turned 90 degrees to my left and completely ignored all moaning coming from the Bose Stereo Surround Sound 5.1 system that bitch had blazing.
I came out and said after 5 minutes of "OH GOD YOUR COCK IN MY ASS FEELS SO GOOD! THRUST YOUR THROBBING DICK IN FURTHER!" that it was making me extremely uncomfortable. Annette and B agreed with me, so it was shut off. Ray complained because it was his birthday, but he complied. Instead, he had a better plan.
Ray: "Let's go to B-Bob's."
What is B-Bob's you ask? Faggot Central. That's what B-Bob's is.
Ray begs me to go. He really really wants me to go to a gay bar with him. At first I am resenting. If someone I knew saw me in there and got the wrong impression, I'm fucked and not in the way I want to be (and not in a gay way either, stop thinking like that asshole). Ray assured me there were straight women, and it would be fun, and I could drink more. I, not so sure what I was getting myself into, agreed.
I ride with B again. We get to the bar/club, they check her ID. The guy at the front was one of those guys who screams "I'M GAY!" without making a sound. He looks me up and down, doesn't even card me, and says "Mmm that'll be 4 dollars" in the most queer voice I have ever heard. No one has ever matched it in my lifetime.
Now half my audience is thinking "Tyler-Brock is a fucking queer bait ass goblin." Let me say this, ladies and gentleman: going to a gay bar and being straight was the straightest thing I have ever done. I went, had no intentions of sucking dick, no thoughts of another guy, and I didn't fear being hit on by a guy in the least. I was that comfortable with my masculinity and the fact that I am 100% straight. And on top of that, LOADS of straight women go to gay bars, and all the guys are gay. What's that mean? No competition. Women were like macaroni and cheese in the buffet line, I'd pick some up if I wanted some.
Strobe lights, really hot lesbians making out everywhere (the gay guys in the place tended to keep to themselves and not much guy-on-guy action was seen), straight women wanting me once I told them I was straight... THIS IS AWESOME. And in case you were wondering, yeah, I got hit on by guys that night. ALOT of them. They bought me drinks, to which I thanked them and told them I was straight. This was a mistake I quickly realized. When gay men hear you are straight, they immediately want to get into your pants, no questions asked. I'm considered "fresh meat" on their territory. I had to tell them, over and over, it wasn't happening though. It was at this point in time I realized I was a dick tease.
I saw two of my high school friends here, one we will call Shorty, and the other was a girl named Natty. Shorty, everyone knew he was gay, odd part was he got every girl to sleep with him in high school. Cover up, that's all. Natty though, she was hot, and had boyfriends, but you would NEVER expect to see her sucking the nipples off another girl. I met her later in the night after the whole nipple incident and she said she wasn't gay. She was with that girl all night holding hands. Right...
I started hitting on an asian who had met eyes with me earlier that night. I'm only a fan of those extremely hot asians, the ones that only make up 0.02% of the asian population, and she was unmistakably in it. She asks for my email address (which to me was FUCKING WEIRD but whatever) and I presented it. Turns out she wasn't gay. She asked me if I was, I said no. Then the bitch leaves. What the hell? She flirts with me all night long then just vanishes out of midair? What a bitch, but I tip my hat to her. She made me want her. Touche, pussy cat. Touche.
At this point, I have got to piss. I have yet to pee all night, and the pressure is rising like an overheated nuclear reactor named Chernobyl. So I go downstairs to use the bathroom.
This is where I decided that I hate myself. I will never forgive myself for doing what I did. I should have known better, but I went off and fucked up.
What did I do exactly?
Ladies and gentleman, I walked into the boys bathroom.
A mistake I will never forget.
There they were. Two tall, fairly buff males with their back turned to me, getting their dicks sucked by a short, less buff, girly looking faggot who was proud to be on his knees. As soon as I walked in, I had walked out. I saw nothing but a flash of that wretched view...
But a flash was all that was needed to traumatize someone for time and all eternity.
I stepped into the ladies restroom immediately, not even thinking about where I was. There were girls making out, nothing serious in there though, except the presence of a male. I got many strange looks, ones that were not approving of me being in there. One manly looking skank had the balls to ask:
Manly Looking Skank: "What the FUCK are you doing?"
Me: "...I'm straight, I just saw three gay guys going at it, and all I want to do is go pee."
All the women, almost in the same instant, went from pissed off to sympathetic. If there's anything women understand, its 2 things: being a straight guy and seeing gay men go at it, and having to go pee really really bad.
Manly Looking Skank: "Go right on ahead honey."
I went home shortly after, the rest of the night was kind of lame. I still have nightmares about it though.
On the bright side, I ended up taking a drama course with the asian two weeks later on a fluke. At the time that I'm writing this, we are partners in a skit that we have to do in 3 days. Nothing will probably happen there though.
Tyler-Brock, out.