I went and spoke to the Stake President (1st counselor) tonight. He set aside 45 minutes for me and for that I am grateful. I told him about my struggles and he listened and asked me to make a goal to make an appointment to get help by the end of the month (see a psychiatrist). We spoke about my desire to be at peace living the gospel. �that I do not want to go on living it because I have to (i.e. living it because I think that is what I am suppose to do); I want to live the gospel because I want to. I don�t enjoy it very much because I am always thinking of my inadequacies (i.e. never feel free of guilt). He spoke of a transition that took place for him in regards to his hometeaching. He mentioned that he had not always been a good hometeacher. He ended up not going to visit some families because it was the end of the month and he didn�t want to go just to fulfill his duty. He said he made a choice not to go and got to a point where he didn�t care what others thought although he felt bad when he got called at the end of the month and had to report he didn�t see someone. He now feels bad that he misses a visit because he knows visits in and of themselves benefit the family. He makes choices and lives with them and doesn�t worry about what others think. He also has a better attitude in regards to serving to meet the family�s needs.
The president knelt with me at the end of our visit and voiced a prayer in my behalf and told Heavenly father that he desired to use his faith and my faith to feel more of Heavenly Father�s love & influence in my life. I can�t remember all the words he said but I appreciate the fact that he recognized and understood my concerns and prayed for me. He counseled me to read the conference talks with my wife. He says his wife�s perspective has helped him learn a lot about the gospel. The President is a convert and said for him the concept of talking to God through prayer was very new to him and it took him a while to get answers to prayers. He thinks that his prayers were sincere in regards to trying to find out that the gospel was true but it took a while before they were answered. He thought the Lord was testing is desire to receive an answer by not answering him immediately. I need to keep praying about my concerns. I hope I can strengthen my testimony in regards to God�s love for me understand how to have a relationship with Christ. I made this appointment tonight because I wanted to show the Lord that I am serious about trying to be close to him. I have a long way to go but I pray that my desire to progress won�t wane.