Newsies
Omnipotent
Author’s Note: This is a spoof of the MOVIE Newsies. Everyone got that? The MOVIE. If I refer to anyone’s acting ability,
singing, or hotness, I am referring to the actors in the MOVIE from 1992. You
know, the Disney one that really stunk. Not the school production that we
miraculously pulled off, the MOVIE. So, if you didn’t read this note but still
read the spoof and get ticked off because I insulted your role, it’s your own
darn fault. So nyeah.
Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters, script, rights to the movie, or anything
else relating to Newsies. A bunch of rich big shots at Disney do.
I’m not sure if they WANT to own
them, but they do.
Some Voiceover
Racetrack: 1899 blahblahblah poor as dirt kids blahblahblah New York City blahblahblah selling newspapers blahblah all that changed, or else we wouldn’t have much of a story… not that we do…
Jack: Do I HAVE to get up?
Kloppman: Yeah, you have to get up, we gotta have the customary “New York tough guys spontaneously breaking out into blatant exposition song and dance routine” remember?
Jack: What seventeen-year-old sings and dances before noon?
Newsies: We will now wow the audience with horrible lyrics and early-90s-music-video-style dance moves!
La La La we sell
papers La La we lie, steal, and beat each other up La La no one
is staring at us as we dance down the street La La it ain’t a fine life!
La La
Crutchy: Remind me again why a CRIPPLE -- DANCES -- in a MUSICAL?!?!??!?!
Newsies: Do we sing and dance down the street every
morning?
Oscar and Morris: We are in a perpetually ticked-off state and will beat up “Cowboy” just to prove that we are in a perpetually ticked-off state!
David: Like, ow! What do you think you’re doing?
Jack: Attempting character development…I mean, running!
Weasel: I am ticked-off just like my “nephews” Oscar and Morris, but I actually have some lines.
Jack: I will now pretty much force David into becoming my partner via the gullibility of his “little brother” in order to try to advance the alleged “plot.”
David: I have a bad feeling about this. ™
Jack: Listen up, Davy, lesson number one: “Headlines don’t sell papes, newsies sell papes.” Remember that, you’ll have to recite it heartwarmingly later.
Newsies: And we’ll just ignore the fact that the word “papes” sounds like an obscure and obscene male body part…
Pulitzer: I’m rich, I’m fat, I’m chock full of bad puns, I’m beyond blind, I don’t know how to read, and I want even more money. Got it?
Employees: …
Pulitzer: Uncultured swine! I’ll translate: I’m an antagonist, and I want YOU to figure out how to advance the plot.
Employees: Oh!
Pulitzer: …by tonight.
Employees: Crud.
Jack: Lesson number two: LIE LIKE A DOG.
David: My daddy told me not to.
Jack: Hey, I’m the better actor, I make the rules, got it? Besides, this leaves room for more attempted character development.
Jack: EXTRA! EXTRA! Ellis Island in flames!!
Historians: Hey, wait a minute! Ellis Island was closed that year! A fire made it unusable years ago! Inaccurate! INACCURATE!!!! We hate you!!!!!
Jack: Do I look like I care?
David: Les, you moron, you can't have beer! *sobs*
And your blatant flirting with Jack makes me feel jealous! (to Jack) And you,
playing along with it! We never talk anymore! I thought we had something
special! Think of the baby! *breaks down sobbing*
Jack: OOOH KAAY *steps a few feet away*
Les: *totally oblivious* Wee, Jack, underage drinking is fun!
Warden Snyder: I am ominous and foreboding and eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil!
Jack: The antagonist is coming! THE ANTAGONIST IS COMING!!! Flee! But be sure to run through the boxing ring so we get everyone’s attention!
Les: I am so naive it’s adorable!
Jack: Just keep swimming - er - RUNNING, just keep running, just keep running…
No?…OK, let’s go into this conveniently placed backstage of Irving Hall.
Jack: blahblah “Refuge” blahblah warden eeeeeeeeeeeeevil blahblah stole food
Medda: I’m a “friend of his father’s”… we’ll go with that… even though we find out later his father is a convict… and I look like Jack’s grandmother…
Medda: Sure you can stay until the “trouble” goes away. …It’s not fangirls? I was so sure we’d have fangirls…I guess they don’t go for bad actors.
Medda: La La La coochie coo La La baby talk La La La admire my clown makeup!
Jack: Should we be seeing this? We’re minors… Oh, well. Goodbye, Disney innocence!!!
David and Jack: *drooooooooooool*
Les: Who cares what’s onstage, I get free food!
Jack: My folks are "waiting for me in Santa Fe."…Really.
Look, over there! Flames! People getting “soaked!” Foreshadowing! Let’s go see!
Les: I fell asleep REALLY quickly, considering I was just running three seconds ago and there is screaming and general pandemonium all around me.
David: I want outtie. We need to “take Les home.”
Mayer: Wow! Look at all the money you made selling papers!
David: When did I actually sell one? Apparently I was at Medda’s from dawn till dusk.
Sarah: Nice to meet you, Jack. I am “David’s sister,” a complete and total ditz, and your future love interest.
Jack: Stupid testosterone… why must it force me to reference what I’m REALLY thinking about?
Mayer: Go get that cake your mom’s hiding so we can rub it in Jack’s face that we are a happy family, like the one he’ll never have!
Les: Hey, guess where we REALLY went! I’ll tell you through my sleep singing.
David: Cool, I didn’t get busted for going to the 1899 equivalent of a strip club!
(Omnipotent Author: Police chases ALWAYS end up in a strip club, even in Disney movies. Newsies. Aladdin. Star Wars: Episode II. ALWAYS.)
Jack: So how’d your pop get hurt?
David: It was a horrible blatant foreshadowing accident at his factory.
Mayer: Time for bed, Davy-wavy!
David: DAAAA-aaad........ Oh, fine. Hey Jack, even though I've only known you for about 12 hours, you wanna sleep over? We can have an intimate non-gay swapping of "manly" stories, and in the morning, I'm making WAFFLES!
Jack: No, I've got my "own place." Really! Why are you staring at me?! Yes, I know it’s a filthy “Newsboys Lodging House,” but beggars can’t be choosers.
David: OK. See ya tomorrow, but not before I make a reference to a song I barely heard.
Jack: OK. See ya. I gotta go be angsty now anyway.
Jack: *ANGST* I’m too hot to be angsty!
Jack: Wait…never mind…I’m nowhere near that category.
Jack: La de DAA no family La La all my
dreams rest in a cruddy little town called Santa Fe La La La La I am the only one that attempts an accent
Horse Owner: I am either very generous, or I just give up REALLY easily.
Jack: This dance would look a LOT better if I weren’t by myself, and sound a lot better if I weren’t making random constipated noises.
Jack: LAA corny lyrics La La only character development in ENTIRE MOVIE La La I won’t have a family until I get to Santa Fe…remember that!!
Kid Blink: THEY ADVANCED THE PLOT! Can you believe this??!!! Ten cents a hundred! They advanced the plot!
Newsies: Why?
Racetrack: To make the protagonists the underdogs and “advance the plot”, uh-DUH!!!
Mush: Well, I wanna have dinner tonight, so I’m gonna keep selling the “papes.”
Jack: Like…no!! I don’t know why yet, I think it has something to do with the “plot”, but you ain’t goin’ nowhere!!
Les: Give him room, he needs to think! This happens once in a lifetime! Let him think!!
Jack: (insert definition of strike)
David: You mean like a strike?
Newsies: Uh-DUH!! But we think it’s a bad idea.
Jack: NO, it’s a good idea!
David: Fear me: I am the voice of reason!
Jack: Ah, screw reason. You guys wanna strike or not?
Crickets: *cheep cheep* *cheep cheep*
Les: Finally, my blind naïve ambition comes in handy! STRIKE!!
Jack: OK!!
Jack: As with most teenage males, I can do absolutely nothing without my peers.
David: And I’m too slow to notice that I’m being used.
Jack: La La La you guys ready to advance the
plot? La La “the World will know” La La
Newsies: La La La prophetic ambiguous babbling
La La La more horrid lyrics La La La more early-90s dance moves La
La go future tense verbs! La La La this sounds nothing like 1899 La
La La
Jack: Well, let’s get every Newsie in New York in on this “plot.” You go there, you go there, so now who wants to go to Brooklyn?
Crickets: *cheep cheep* *cheep cheep*
Jack: What is it with you guys? All right, I’ll go! But Boots and David here are coming with me. Like I said, I can’t do anything without peers on hand.
David: But first go tell the big shots about this. You’re the leader.
Jack: What?! OK, whatever, but only with your little bro. I can’t do anything by myself.
Denton: Hey, David. I’m gonna be one of your best friends on this “strike.” Are you the leader of this thing?
David: We’ll go with that.
Denton: So, what’s the chance the newspaper big shots are going to listen to you?
Jack: Slim to none. Not until the climax, anyway. I didn’t charm the secretary enough.
Les: I am so adorable! Real hoity-toity!!
David: Are you gonna put us in your somehow-not-connected-to-the-strike newspaper?
Denton: Maybe, but only after I make a historical reference in order to attempt character development and re-establish the timeframe. The audience must have been thrown off by all that early-90’s-style music and dancing.
Jack: Don’t put my picture in though, and get my name right, it’s “Foreshadowing” – er – I mean, “Jack Kelly.”
Boots: Hey, look, it’s Brooklyn! I will now confuse the audience with my phony logic.
Spot: I actually am too hot to be angsty…just kidding!
Spot: Fear me children! That means you, David. I can break inconsequential things with my rubber-band-and-twig weapon!
Jack: So, listen to David. He’s better at pretending to know what’s going on than I am, even though I’ve actually hit puberty.
David: *sucking up* Without you, this “plot” will be nothing! We need you and your rubber-band-and-twig weapons!
Spot: No!! What if you guys are pansies?
Jack: But we’re not!
Spot: Pansies…I, the Short and Hot One, strike terror in your hearts, remember?
Jack: *whimper* Yes, O Short and Hot One. *bows*
Newsies: NO! The Short and Hot One’s word is law! We must be pansies! *whimper*
*all suck thumbs and rock back and forth in fetal position*
David: Pansies……Finally, my chance to shine!…flicker…maybe just a 5-watt glow.
La La La prophetic hymn La La why is this song
even in the movie? La La
Newsies: Let us chant in a call-and-response to bring out the fighting spirit!
La La La more irrelevant prophesy La La
chanting La La truly inspired lyrics La La
Jack: So, are you guys pansies?!?!
Newsies: NO!!…Maybe!!…But we won’t let the audience know that!
Jack: Whaddya gonna do now?
Crickets: *cheep cheep* *cheep cheep*
Jack: You’re SUPPOSED to say: Randomly attack the circulation office!
Newsies: Oh, OK! Randomly attack the circulation office!!! ATTACK!!!
Newsies: *RIP! TEAR! PUNCH! SHRED!*
Policemen: We’re siding with the rich fat guys on this one, kiddies.
Jack: Eep! Run like scared newborn ponies!…I mean, flee! I mean, cheese it!
(Omnipotent Author: Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE cheese, but why did they randomly reference an addictive snack cracker? Cheez-it? Puh-lease.)
Newsies: Wimpy policemen…they’re three times as old as us, and we all got away!
Crutchy: Except me! I was too absorbed in mindless destruction to notice anything.
Oscar and Morris: Yay, now WE can be eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil and “advance the plot.”
David: Tell me why we’re here. The audience doesn’t know, and I’m too dense to figure it out.
Jack: Only after they notice my jaunty symbolism-I MEAN cowboy hat.
blahblah proof warden eeeeeevil blah kid’s
jail blahblah warden rich blah
Now tie this rope around my lungs and then lower me down to that window, but don’t drop me or choke me or do anything else life threatening.
David: *snaps fingers in disappointment*
Jack: Knock knock!
Ten Pin: Who’s there?
Jack: Cowboy!
Ten Pin: Cowboy who- OH Cowboy!! Whazzaaap!!
Jack: Hey, get the weird guy on the crutch over here.
Jack: Whazzaaap!!!! David and I came to…umm…
Crutchy: Get me out of here? Don’t even think about it. My imprisonment is merely a literary device in the “script” to gain sympathy from the audience, “advance the plot” later on, and create an underlying tension that will give the audience a subconscious feeling of satisfaction when resolved.
Jack: …Huh?
Crutchy: *sigh* And the eeeeeeeevil Delancey brothers “kinda worked me over a little.”
Jack: Oh. I pretend to have an emotion about that. Anyway, David and me can carry you.
Crutchy: Whoa!! Nonononononoooooo. I am NOT being handled by two guys who almost had a sleepover. *shudder*
Crutchy: Hey, Davy, is that you? Tell me, how WERE you planning to get me out?
David: …um…
Crutchy: Hey, look! Addictive cheesy snack crackers!
Jack: Huh? Where?! WHERE?!!?!?
Crutchy: I mean, cheese it! Here comes the antagonist!
Jack: …but I’m hungry…
Crutchy: Too bad, so sad. Get OUT of here so I can save your sorry butt!!
Pulitzer: Let me make this as monosyllabic as possible: Get rid of those darn kids!
Weasel: OK, but we’re only halfway through the movie. I can’t guarantee much.
Newsies: La La La totally random hymn La La
La La random trashcan percussion La La
David: Please remain calm until the “scabs” have completely surrounded us and
beat us up into tiny little bite-sized pieces. Thank you. Have a nice day!
Jack: Screw that! C’mon guys, use what’s-his-face as an excuse for mindless destruction and violence!!
Newsies: But then it’s not mindless…it’s revenge.…for something…
The Crib: Ugh. You small. We big. We have utensils of violence. You do math.
Brooklynites: In order to rescue our friends (?), we shall pop out of the walls like daisies in unison with conveniently well-timed dramatic chords!
Spot: Never fear, the Short and Hot - I mean, Brooklyn is here!
Denton: And suddenly I have access to you guys! Say cheese!!
Jack: Unintentional irony! – I mean, Flaw in the script! – I mean, CHEEEESE!!
Rest of Newsies: Wha? Is that a cam– OH NO! The flash! It b-u-u-r-r-n-n-s…
Spot: Where’s me picture? Where’s me beautiful, Short and Hot face?
Jack: Priorities, man. First “me not wanting my picture in the paper a few scenes ago.” THEN your stupid face. And stop smudging my heroic grin!
Racetrack: Cool! My awkward expression is in the paper! GO ME!! In fact, I think I feel a song comin’ on! *ignores groans from audience*
La La La random luxuries (?) La La La apparently we rule! La La Bill Pullman singing?!?! La La how convenient that the diner is empty and the owner doesn’t care that we dance on tables La La why is THIS song in the movie? La La
Jack: Hey guys, let’s do something so incredibly stupid that all the newspapers will have to write something about it and everyone will read about our strike!!
Newsies: But how WILL people read about it? No one’s getting any papers. The paperboys are on STRIKE, remember?
Jack: …Oh well! I just want an excuse to scream my head off!! Let’s have a rally!
Newsies:…..OK….Any excuse to scream our heads off!
Newsies: Here’s to Denton, who got us into his newspaper that no one will read.
Snyder: *doing crossword* Let’s see, what’s a six-letter word that describes “script that gave you this newspaper even though the newsies are on strike?”…. Oh yeah! *writes* F..L..A..W..E..D……*flips page*…Ooh! Pretty picture!
Crutchy: Oh look! I know that heroic grin! It’s Jack!…I mean…Poindexter. Heh heh. This silly brain of mine…wait…*rereads line* I have a brain? Cool!
Snyder: Tell me where Poindexter lives, O Brainless – erm – Brain-ful One.
Crutchy: Like…no! *leaves room, hangs head* I am ashamed.
Sarah: No one wakes up with perfect hair, perfect clothes, and then goes to look out the window first thing in the morning…except me!
Jack: Some boyfriend I am. I stole a tomato! *gasp*
Sarah: Like, oh my gosh, you are SO stupid, it's the same sun as here.
Jack: *backs away*
Mayor: Hey, did you hear? The newsies are having a party!
Pulitzer: What?!? I wasn't invited. *grits teeth* That's it! Go crash that party! And set an "example" so everyone knows you always invite me!!
Snyder: Of course I’ll go! *mutters* I never get invited to parties either… it’s hard being the antagonist… *tear tear*
Jack: Alright, guys, we’ve come a long way from the awkward opening. But the plot is only going to get worse from now on, and we’re gonna hafta get worse with it! We also must cease vehement hostilities against adversaries – I mean, stop soakin’ scabs.
Racetrack: I ain’t makin’ no nice-nice with antagonists!!
Spot: I agree! Mindless violence RULES!!!
David: NOOOOOoooooo!! *ahem* Since I am too much of a weenie to fight, I’m going to heavily support diplomacy, like a true pansie.
Spot: But I’m even hotter when I fight!! I mean… I like punching things!
Newsies: *ARGUE*
Jack: You got no brains!
(Omnipotent Author: I agree!)
Jack: Who said that? Um, anyway, stop fighting and trust each other and all that happy-go-lucky sunshine-and-rainbows stuff. Only then will the plot resolve, the movie end, and the audience come out of their deep bad-acting-induced slumber.
Newsies: Oh, FINE!! Just get us out of this movie!! PLEEEEEASE!!!!
Medda and Newsies: La La optimistic drinking song La La sheesh, it really ain’t
a fine life! La
La horse races are the high point of the human experience (?) La La
Snyder: So THIS is what it’s like to be at a party with *ahem* normal people…
Denton: Oh, HOWDY, neighbor! Umm…this way…
*cough*Guys,I’msavinyourpatheticskinshere*cough* May I make fun of your name?
Snyder: Wha? Is that a
cam– OH NO! The flash! It b-u-u-r-r-n-n-s…
Denton: Why do people keep saying that to me? Hey, guys, PANIC already!!!
David: Oh, JAAAA-aaaack…
Jack: *distracted with lost Disney innocence* Wha?
David: Um…how do I phrase
this…Oh yeah! RUN OR YOU’RE DEAD MEAT!!!!!!
Snyder: Too late! Fear me, not-so-innocent protagonists!!
David: *southern Belle on swing* Push me, Jack dahling, like you really mean it… *AHEM* I mean, so I can knock over the conveniently placed big fat meanie.
Snyder: OOF! Pain!
David: Taste sweet floorboard, meanie! Now run, dahling, and don’t be afraid! I’LL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!!
Jack: Whatever, dude. I’m still gonna get captured and you know it.
Superiors: We shall vanquish thee!!!!!
Jack: See, totally captured. Like, ow. (to police) And your hand does NOT belong there!!
Judge: You guys don’t have any representation whatsoever? Good, I can watch my soaps!
Spot: Dude, His Short and Hotness cannot bow before such antagonism!
Judge: Well, I’ve got the evil black robes. So there. Five bucks from each of you.
Racetrack: But…but…but…but…but…..
Judge: Including you, O Articulate One.
Denton: Never fear, I shall save your skins…again…But sorry, guys, no one wrote about your big party in the papers no one will read.
Jack: Whazzup ma homies!! See my shiny bracelets!!
David: JACK!! You used to be so much more stylish…honestly, those tacky bracelets? ……*realization* OH! Crud.
Snyder: I’ll reveal the backstory-I MEAN speak for this *cough* boy.
blahblah his parents are
screwed blahblah he escaped my prison *grr* blahblah put him back
there so my ego can rest blahblah
Judge: OK, whatever. Just hurry up, today’s the big identical-triplet wedding on Y.U.K.
David: Noooooo….. JACK, I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
David: Why didn’t the Sun print the story?
Denton: Because it never happened. …. No, I’m not in denial. Why do you ask? The big fat meanies said no one should print about the newsies’ strike, even though no one would ever get to read about it anyway because the kids who sell the papers are on STRIKE…Are you following this?…No?…Oh well, I’ll confuse you even more!! I, your only male adult ally, am leaving you.
David: What? You, too?! EVERYTHING I EVER KNEW WAS A LIE!!!*ahem* Why?!
Denton: ‘Cause I feel like it. No, I got “reassigned” back to covering only *insult* IMPORTANT *end insult* stories. But, just to add MORE insult to injury, here’s the article I wrote about your party. See ya, losers. *grumble* Even when I’m leaving, I STILL get stuck with the bill. Freeloaders. *grumble*
David: *crumples article* I’ve been so hurt…we trust no one but the Newsies! So we need to free Jack!…Yes, I KNOW those thoughts are barely connected.
Les: *obliviously wraps unfinished hot dog in crumpled article*
(Omnipotent Author: Ah, naïveté…and foreshadowing…and weird plot points…ah…)
David: Alright. Rope?
Kid Blink: Check!
David: Backup squad?
Newsies: Like, totally check! *fluff pom-poms*
David: *sigh* RESCUE squad, smarties.
Newsies: Oh. Check. *disappointed*
David: Audience?
Audience: ….
David: Audience?!
Audience: ….
David: AUDIENCE!!!
Audience: …*snore*…
David: Oh, well, we’ve got everything ‘cept an interested audience, but who needs that?
Jack: You don’t have your rescue-ee!! I’m being led…um…away! Into a carriage…is that symbolic somehow?
David: I must go after him! You guys can’t, though. Leaveth me!!
Newsies: But we had such an awesome routine worked out…Like, this totally stinks. *throw down pom-poms, leave grumbling*
David: So I’ll just ride along on the underside of this carriage…right….Ooo! I can see Jack’s butt from here…No, that’s the horse’s butt…Darn…
Pulitzer’s Snobby House of Unusual Arguments
Pulitzer: blahblah Civil War blah power
blahblah no such thing as wrong blahblah power of the press blahblahblah
I have control problems blahblah
Jack: Yah, well you can’t keep me under control!!
Pulitzer: Oh yeah? Two words: shiny things and dreams come true.
Jack: Dude, that’s six words. *pause* Cool, I didn’t know I could even count that high!!
Pulitzer: Whatever. Just stop leading this strike thingy, and I’ll give you more shiny things than you could ever count. And a ticket to wherever you want.
Jack: Are you bribin’ me, Joe?
Pulitzer: Yes. Maybe. No. Maybe. No. No. Definitely not. No.
Jack: By the way, how did you know that ticket to Santa Fe – I mean, wherever - is oh-so-conveniently what I’ve always wanted?!
Pulitzer: I didn’t. Oh well. Shut up and listen to me. Shut up. JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE!!!!
Jack: I didn’t say anything.
Pulitzer: I’ll give you everything you’ve always wanted if you work for me again. I won’t be such a nice guy with your friends, including, but not limited to David, and his family, and David, and his poodle, and did I mention your boyfriend David?
Jack: …How do you know his name?! STALKER!!!!
Pulitzer: We won’t go into the all-male love triangle now. That’s another day and another unusual argument. Just tell me whether you’ve accepted my bribe –I mean offer, yeah, offer, totally offer – in the morning.
Snyder: Ha ha, I’ve finally got you in my clutches, boy!! *laughs maniacally*
David: Oh, no you don’t!! RUN, JACK!!!
Jack: OK, whatever…*skillfully escapes* *skillfully stops*
David: Come on!
Jack: No. *ANGST*
David: Why?
Jack: Because. I’m like, on a not-so-drug-induced angst trip. Plus, you could, like, get in trouble. Your family, too. And even your poodle.
David: Ohmigosh, you do care!! *sniff* But I don’t have a poodle. Or a clue.
Jack: Welcome to my world. Go!!
David: (the original) Like………………………………………………no!!!!
Jack: Go!!! The angst COMMANDS IT!!!!
David: …Does this mean you’re leaving me? And that you’ve totally lost faith in yourself, even though yourself used to be your biggest priority and focus in life?
Jack: Shut up and GO!!!!!!!!!
Newsies: One, two, three, four!! End this circulation war!! Five, six, seven…uh…eight? Yeah, eight! We will not capitulate!!
(Omnipotent Author: So they have a huge vocabulary, but still can’t count. Hmm…)
Spot: Alright, move away, HIS HOTNESS comin’ through.
Jack: So THIS is what it feels like to be clean…
Spot: Mr. Psychiatrist Racetrack, sir? I’m having hallucinations.
Racetrack: What is it this time, my boy? Not frolicking poodles again, is it?
Spot: No, worse. I just saw Jack, and he had actually BATHED!! And wore a suit and was carrying newspapers, which of course is a sure sign he betrayed us all.
Racetrack: Oh, no! Mass hallucinations!! NOOO!!! I see him, too!!
Spot: Whew, I’m glad I’m sane as well as incredibly hot. But he’s still a “scab.”
Newsies: We are so in denial that you betrayed us strikers, Jack. And how come you got those smooth duds…err…cool threads….um…a clean new suit?!??
Weasel: Pulitzer picked it out so Jack would look even hotter than you, Spot.
Spot: HE IS NOT HOTTER THAN ME!!! CHARGE!!!!!!!
David: Like a true weenie, I will go INSULT Jack instead of punching him. *ahem* Jack, I thought you loved me. I thought we were forever. Liar!! *weenie pout*
Jack: …and so…what?
David: No comprendo. Of you. Of anything. As usual.
Jack: Santa Fe…I mean, freedom…I mean, money….I mean, baths….mean so much more to me than you and the rest of those filthy losers over there. Also, the angst and the “script” commanded me to leave you…guys.
David: Well, fine!!! My poodle and I don’t need you!! I’m going to stick up for my rights as a weenie!!! *sniff* GOOD-BYE!!!!!! *thinks* He’ll be back.*returns to normal non-thought state* I’m gonna BEAT – YOU – UP!!!!!!!!!! *weenie charge*
Weasel: Oh! Do you want a bath, too?
David: *delayed*…………………..……….GRUNT!! I mean, NEVER!!!
Newsies: *insert generic insults*
Your Own Joke About Inserting Things: *inserted*
Les: I’m still incredibly naïve! He can’t leave! I thought he couldn’t do a thing without his peers! He’s going undercover, like Charlie’s Angels!
Racetrack: *facepalm*
Oscar: We’re gonna go beat up the weenie. Your boyfriend. Wanna watch?
Morris: Dude, shut UP!! This isn’t one of those bad action movies where the villain explains the entire evil plot to the hero before the hero escapes!!
Oscar: Dude, YOU shut up!!
Jack: *delayed realization* You ain’t gonna hurt MY boyfriend!! *lunge*
Weasel: Ah! Lift one finger and it’s right back to the Refuge.
Jack: *defiantly lifts one finger*
Weasel: *eyeroll*
Jack: *picks nose with lifted finger*
Sarah: Whazzaaap!!
Oscar: *bump*
Sarah: Move.
Morris: David!
Sarah: Move.
Les: Grunt!
Oscar: *toss*
Les: *x eyes*
Morris: *chortle*
Sarah: *weenie punch*
Oscar and Morris: *capture*
David: Rescue!
Oscar and Morris: *eyeroll*
David: *x eyes*
Sarah: AAAAAHHH!!!!
Jack: Heroic!
Oscar and Morris: Huh?
Jack: *headbutt*
Oscar and Morris: FLEE!!!!
Jack and Sarah: *hug*
Audience: Huh?
Les: *barf*
David: Stupid?
Jack: Stupid!!
(Omnipotent Author: Agree!)
David: Dude!!
Jack: DUDE!!!
Jack and David: *heart*
Audience: EEEWW!!!!!!
Denton: Of course I meant it, when I wrote in my obscure-and-never-even-published article about your party, that New York takes advantage of poor little children for the benefit of the big fat meanies. *gasp for breath* I was just packing, come on in and we can have a meaningful talk about this while I get ready to leave you forever.
Jack: But this stupid strike’s never gonna work while the big fat meanies got the power!
David: You mean to tell me – that we’ve been on this strike for the entire movie – and you never even thought it was gonna WORK?!?!?!??!?!
Denton: Calm downeth, my son.
David: You’re my father?!?!
Denton: It’s just a generic expression of paternal governance, my son.
David: …You’re confusing me!!
(Omnipotent Author: What else is new?)
Jack: Alright, who keeps making the smart-alec remarks?
(Omnipotent Author: Just the omniscient spirit of sarcasm. Please continue.)
David: Even the omni-something spirit of whatever is confusing me!!
(Omnipotent Author: So much for the huge vocabulary…)
Denton: I was GOING to say, if one voice rambles and never shuts up, someone else will hear and start repeating that, and then a thousand, unless they’re silenced.
Jack: First off, that makes no sense. Second off, we can’t even count that high!!
David: *counting on fingers* Eleventy-six…ugh, I’m gonna have to use toes for this … *removes shoes and socks* Eleventy-nine…
Jack: So why don’t we just print a paper so all the underpaid children of NYC can come and scream their heads off with us?
David: Yeah, but we’ll need your help, Denton. You’re the only one of us who knows ANYTHING about making a newspaper! *flutters eyelashes*
Denton: Alright, I shall help you, my son.
David: STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!
Jack: Alright, don’t say a word, because the big fat meanies are right above us. Don’t say a word! Do you hear me?!? Don’t make a sound!! Now let’s print an underground paper on this rusty-dusty press that’s guaranteed to make tons of noise.
La La La we’re finally getting back at those big fat meanies La La printing this wimpy sheet of paper is the fulfillment of all our dreams?! La La while you meanies stuff your faces, we’re starving La La Retaliation!! La La why is this song even in the movie!?!?! La La the sight of kids reading doesn’t really merit this dramatic music La La La
Roosevelt: Those poor actors…I MEAN boys…
Denton: I thought you’d feel this way, governor.
Roosevelt: And I did nothing, until now! … OK, I said my two lines!! Where’s my latte? Where’s my agent? AND WHO MOVED MY TRAILER?!?!
Newsies: So where are all those people we gave the wimpy papers to?
Jack: Fear my pessimism!!
Les: I’m still naively hopeful…
Racetrack: I think I could catch on to this “naively hopeful” stuff!
Work Kids: WE. -- HAVE. -- COME!!!
Newsies and Work Kids: YAY!! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! …
Awakened Audience Members: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!! We’re tryin’ to sleep over here!
Jack: Why am I giving you our wimpy one-page newspaper?
Pulitzer: So I can degrade and insult you! You’re dead meat…uh… *checks in “Hip Terms for the Unhip”* … punky!
David: It’s “punk,” you blind old bat.
Pulitzer: Who the heck are you?!
Jack: My boyfrien – I mean, the “walkin’ mouth.”
David: Yeah, Pulitzah, you schtink. You are Da Man, and we come to shahizzle yo establishmentizle, dawg!
Pulitzer: *flipping through “Hip Terms for the Unhip”* That’s not in the dictionary…
Jack: I’ll translate: you hand over the powah, or else.
Pulitzer: Powah? … OH power! Like…no!!
Jack: Yeah, power. I got it, too.
Pulitzer: You and what army?
Jack: This army! *opens window* *soldiers pick noses with lifted fingers*
Jack: Whoops! I mean, THIS army! *opens other window*
Pulitzer: *blown back by force of sound waves* It b-u-u-u-r-r-r-r-n-n-n-s-s…
Jack: I can’t hear you, Joe!
Pulitzer: Now you listen to me!
Jack: Maybe you should listen!
Pulitzer: No, no! You listen to me!
Jack: No! You listen!
David: Jack’s so cute when he argues…
Employees: *strange and confused looks*
Jack: It’s just like Denton said! I didn’t shut up about this stupid strike, and then someone else heard me, and before you know it there’s an endless supply of screaming extras outside! *reads moral from script* That’s – the – powwow? oh POWER – of the – dress-PRESS … Joe. Oh and by the way, we used your ancient press to print our wimpy paper. Just to let you know. And create a certain kind of irony.
David: *sniff* That’s my boy! Always reveals irony at just the right moment!
Employees: *barf*
Jack: WE BEAT ‘EM!!!
Crowd: *GRUNT OF HAPPINESS*
Historians: But-but-whadda-wi-but- That’s not what happened! The newsies-
Newsies: -knocked out the dumb historians! *punch*
Historians: *x eyes*
Audience: *excited* Does this mean the movie’s over?!
Newsies: Nope, nowhere near!
Audience: Dern you! *falls back asleep*
Weasel, Oscar, and Morris: Of course this all means we’re fired, so we’ll just leave. See ya, losers.
Newsies: *glare*
Weasel, Oscar, and Morris: We mean…uh…ugh…winners. *barf and leave*
Snyder: I’m just here to look scary. No other purpose.
Jack: Eep! Flee!
Denton: Don’t worry, you don’t have to flee.
Jack: But I like that word! FLEE! Flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee…
Denton: You have to stay! Bad subplot resolutions always require the presence of the main character!
Jack: Poo.
Crutchy: I’M FREE!!! Ah, sweet air…ah, my friends, the stinky newsies…life is good! *Bruce Almighty imitation* It’s good! It’s goood!
Snyder: Why did I ride in the front seat if I was gonna wind up in the back?
Crutchy: So I can do this! *slams police-wagon door in Snyder’s face*
Snyder: OW! That was my nose! *nurses abnormally large nose*
Audience: Is the movie over NOW?
Newsies: NO! We still need more grunts of happiness! *grunt of happiness*
Audience: *grunt of unhappiness*
Crutchy: Oh, by the way Jack, you know Teddy Roosevelt? *cough--the-guy-with-the-carriage-that-you-hitched-a-ride-on--cough*
Jack: You OK, buddy? That was some cough.
Crutchy: Sorry. Hairball. Anyway, Teddy’s over there and he’s the one who let me out of jail.
Denton: And he’s conveniently offered you a ride to anywhere you want.
Jack: This is so awesome that people keep offering to fulfill my life’s dream of going to Santa Fe! I mean, can he drop me at the train yards?
Denton: Uh, I guess.
Jack: SCORE!! See ya, losers!! BYE!!!
(Omnipotent Author’s Note: Badly-acted reactions of Jack’s “friends” follow.)
Sarah: My romantic interest is leaving?…this isn’t right…*flips through script*
Les: I’ll miss the free food I got with you!!
David: *no comprendo*
Newsies: Hey, look! A carriage! BYE, CARRIAGE!!
Newsies: Darn, I guess this means we have to work again… La La La corny reprise La La La our life is back to its normal stinky non-thought state La La La
Audience: Is the movie over NOW?!!?
Newsies: NO!!
Newsies: Hey, look! A carriage! HI, CARRIAGE!! … Didn’t we just do that?
Jack: *to Roosevelt* You were right, sir, that was incredibly stupid. Thanks for telling me. *to Newsies* Honey, I’m home!!
Newsies: Wow, Jack, you were gone for a full 90 seconds!!
Jack: So how’s the headline, baby?
David: *heartwarming quote* Headlines don’t sell “papes.” Newsies sell “papes.”
Audience: *barf*
(Omnipotent Author: *barf*)
Jack: *tear tear* That’s my boy! Get over here!
Sarah: *butts in front of David* I was SO here first! *smoochy*
Jack: This day just gets better and better! *smoochy*
(Omnipotent Author: Dude, they hadn’t even talked to each other for FIVE MINUTES, and I see tongue action. Ewwwww!!!)
Spot: His Short and Hotness cannot bear to see such smoochies that don’t involve him! I’m leaving! See ya, losers!!
Newsies: *cheer for unknown reasons* La La OUR
LIFE STINKS!! WOO!! La La lame dance through conveniently-placed
cheering crowd La La
Audience: Is the movie over NOW?!?!?!?!?
Newsies: YES!! Why do you think we’re dancing?!?!? WE’RE DANCING FOR JOY!!! WE’RE FREEEEE!!!!! *halleluiah chorus*
Audience: YES!!!!! *halleluiah chorus*
Audience: OK, what was wrong with THIS movie?
1) The romantic interests didn’t even have two scenes together, but there was FRENCHING at the end. Sheesh.
2) David never went back to school like he promised his dad.
3) Denton never left, even though he was “reassigned.”
4) Three words: blatant historical inaccuracies.
5) How would Jack have afforded his train ticket to Santa Fe? All Roosevelt offered was a ride.
6) What HAPPENED to end the strike? They just said, “We beat ‘em!” Was there a handshake? Negotiation? Rubber duckies? WHAT?!?!
7) At the beginning of the movie, Racetrack was Jack’s best friend. By the end of the movie, David was Jack’s best friend. … DON’T YOU STUPID WRITERS CARE ABOUT RACETRACK’S FEELINGS!?!??!
Racetrack: I know!! *sniff* Don’t you think I miss Jack?!?! *sniffity sniff* *sings* I’m all alone, there’s no one here beside mee…
There are probably many more faults, and if anyone has any suggestions, sign glitterL27’s guestbook and tell her. *wink wink* *nudge nudge*
FIN
Omnipotent
Author’s Closing Note: I hope you liked that. Yah, I know it was kinda
long, but it was funny, right? RIGHT?!
If you did enjoy
it, please show your gratitude by telling other people about my humble little
spoof.
Or sign the
guestbook and say you liked it. Or don’t do anything. Whatever.
If you hated it,
nyeah nyeah. You’re a stodgy old prune. Just kidding! Everyone’s entitled to
their opinion.
Fare thee well,
Earthling. And who knows? Maybe I’ll write another spoof…*evil laughter*
BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAA!!!!!!!!