I wrote that paragraph the day after I found out that Nick died. At the time that I wrote it, I had no doubt of its was veracity. Nearly three months later, I am not so sure.
I should have been ecstatic when I woke up Sunday morning. I was in Austin for the Austin City Limits Music Festival and the slate of bands scheduled for the day was truly extraordinary. Saturday was one of my favorite days that I had in months, and Sunday had the promise to be even better. My brother and many of my best friends were in town...everything was right in the world.
Somehow, though, I did not have it in me to enjoy Sunday's festivities. I can't say that I completely understand why. I think it might have to do with the fact that I slept in Nick's old room on Saturday night...it did not seem at all poignant when I went to sleep, drunk, in the wee hours of the morning on Saturday, but it felt very heavy when I woke up on Sunday. If nothing else, it led me to start questioning a lot of things again.
It didn't take long after Nick's death before my group of friends seemed to basically return to normal. We were going to concerts, we were throwing parties, we were playing poker, we were busting on each other, we were hooking up in an effort to make our group even more incestuous than it already was...in other words, we are acting as if nothing had ever happenned. We only occasionally mentioned Nick, and we still act cavalierly and irresponsibly on a regular basis. It is ridiculous to even imagine this, when you take into account how Nick died, but I know that many of us have driven when we have been less then 100 percent sober since his death. If there is the "new sense of normal" that I had predicted, I for one can't distinguish it from the old one.
On Sunday, it all seemed to hit me at once.. My body would not allow me to enjoy myself, no matter what my surroundings were. I thought that I could lift the cloud that was enveloping me if I spent an hour or so alone, so I purposely disengaged myself from the group. As the day went on, I would repeatedly catch up with my friends, but I couldn't be around them for more than five minutes at a time. Just talking to them made me physically ill and on the verge of tears. The grief was burning me. The only person I could be around at all was my brother, probably because I didn't associate him with Nick. Don't get me wrong, I did not resent any of my friends in the slightest...doing so would be incredibly hypocritical.. Just the sight of anyone was too strong of a reminder of Nick.I couldn't handle the pain, and I didn't want to bring any of them down with me.
Late in the day, I left the concert and went to a playground across the street so I could be alone and reflect. I realized that this is just another step in the grieving process. I know we all still think about him constantly, we are just moving on in the only way that we know how to. If there is one positive that Nick's death has brought, it is that our group of friends is closer now than it has ever been. I am directly closer to Kevin, Luke, Chris, Amy, Jennifer and Caroline because of his death. We are learning to love life again and trying not to forget all the incredible love and passion that Nick had for life and for everyone of us. It is a hokey cliche, but Nick would want us to enjoy life and enjoy our friendships and connections with each other. So I will continue to try to move on the only way that I know how. Together, with all of you.