The Quarter-Life Crisis

 

Some time ago, a good friend of mine revealed to me that he’d stumbled on a new societal phenomenon: the quarter-life crisis. For the uninitiated, the quarter-life crisis is the 20-something version of the mid-life crisis. It’s a time for serious evaluation of one’s existence, a weighing of the scales to reminisce about the last few decades and to determine what the next 20 years should bring.

 

Most people hit the quarter-life crisis around the time they graduate college, which makes sense if you think about it. Those first few months out of college are the first time that the next stage of your life is not already planned out for you. Before, you went automatically from elementary school to middle school, middle school to high school and, for most of us, high school to college. But what happens after college?! Do we do some more of that schooling stuff, do we try to make a living, or do go out and try to change the world? This is a scary choice for a lot of people because it seems to lock us into a given life path. An awful lot of responsibility for someone who’s still hung over from graduation.

 

Quite a few people decide to do the “more schooling” thing, which is fine. I mean, if you like being on a first-name basis with your loan manager, don’t let anyone stop you. Others (myself included) choose the make-a-living route. This is marginally better than being in perpetual debt, but not by much. Instead of paying to kiss your professor’s ass, you’re now getting paid to kiss your boss’s ass, often with less than stellar results. (Am I allowed to say “ass” here? Will this be censored?) Finally, there’s the idealistic, French-Bohemian change-the-world crowd. This is usually the smallest group, mostly because there’s no money in it and eating becomes something of a luxury at times, but some people find that kind of stuff exciting. They’re the ones that keep the Peace Corps/AmeriCorps program afloat.

 

Inevitably, no matter which path we choose, there’s a little bit of the “I wonder what my life would have been like had I done something else” syndrome. Even to those of us lucky enough to be happy with our first choice, there’s at least an academic curiosity about this, which is to be expected. What amazes me is that, given the enormity of this crisis and our own proven ability to botch tough decisions, very few people actually end up hating their lives. Sure, we’re not always happy right away, but then we backtrack and do something else, or we find other things in life besides our career that fulfills us. Without even realizing it, the quarter-life crisis seldom turns out as the life-defining moment we all think it will be.

 

I guess we’re just lucky enough to get second chances in life every now and then. Decisions are made – sometimes well, most times poorly – but there’s always the chance that tomorrow will let us make a better one and that’s what keeps me going. If I thought that my decisions today would be final, I’d never be able to do it. (That’s what bothers me about capital punishment. How in the hell are you supposed to pick that last meal? Do you go with a tried-and-true favorite, or is this an appropriate time to try something new?) Anyway, knowing that tomorrow I can always choose to do something else makes today seem like less of a challenge.

 

On a less serious note, let’s answer some reader mail!

 

…Okay, since I don’t actually have my own column – and therefore no reader mail to answer – I thought I’d answer some of Glenn’s mail instead. Unfortunately, he refuses to give me access to his inbox, so I’m just gonna make some up.

 

Glenn, why haven’t capri pants gone out of style yet?

I don’t know. What is that crap, anyway?! I mean, do women really think males find that kind of stuff attractive? Do designers sit around thinking, “Yeah, you know what would be real sexy? Making a 30-year-old woman wear pants that would belong on a 14-year-old. Yeah, that way they can show off those sexy…um…ankles.” Ladies, let it be known: anyone seen wearing capris from now on will be summarily arrested and flogged.

 

You’ve wasted a lot of my valuable time talking about decisions. What was the hardest decision you’ve had to make?

Once, when I was nine, I was at the pool with some of my buddies. They were all doing flips and stuff off the high dive, but I refused to go up there because I was afraid of heights. Finally, after much taunting and a now-disturbing number of threats to pull down my swim trunks if I didn’t go up there, I found myself at the edge of the high dive with two choices to make. I could either suck it up and do a real dive off the board, or I could wuss out and hop in feet first. In retrospect, it was like my very own Socrates moment. So did I rise to the occasion? No. I hopped in feet first. Needless to say, that earned me some more teasing, along with the slightly uncomfortable sensation of having my swim trunks jam into my crotch at warp speed. Hemlock might’ve tasted better…

 

Why do drive-through ATMs have Braille on the number keys?

I’m not even going to dignify that with a comment.

 

What’s the meaning of life?

What the hell kind of a question is that? Is this stuff really on peoples’ minds these days? Okay, here’s the deal: the meaning of life is to make do with what you got. Nothing fancy, no higher meaning. You’re just here, alive, so let’s see how long you can make it last. And you know what the secret to making it last is? Playing the same game as everyone else. You see, dealing with people is like a board game. There are rules, certain things that are done and a set of responses that are acceptable for any given stimulus. As long as you play by the rules and don’t stand out too much, you’re fine. What you don’t want to happen is for everyone else to be playing “Monopoly” while you’re still rolling the dice for “Sorry!”