www.GlenCroucher.com
Home - Grammer - Everyday English - Film vocabulary - Stuff - Song vocabulary - Private English lessons
JOKES
20 years in jail
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put
on her robe and went downstairs.
He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He
appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she
asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he
asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you
marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You
know, I would have gotten out today. "
Leaving the pub
A man had been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The man decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
CHEAP BAR
A man went into a bar and said to the barman
"Pint of best please",
The barman said "That'll be 5 pence please"
The man was amazed at the cheapness and asked for the menu. He selected T-bone steak and chips,
The bar man said "That'll be 25 pence"
"Thats fantastic!" said the man, "Can I speak to the owner, I'd like to congratulate him on his prices!"
"No", the barman replied, "He's upstairs with my wife"
"Whats he doing with your wife?" asked the man.
The barman replied "The same as I am doing with his business down here!"
MAGIC LAMP
John finds a lamp, rubs it and out comes a genie.
The genie says he will grant John three wishes with one condition: Everything he wishes for, his wife will get double. So John says thats fine.
First John wishes for a million pounds, so his wife got 2 million. Then John wished for a ferari and his wife gets 2.
Pausing for a moment, John says "Why dont you scare me half to death?"
EX GIRLFRIEND
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic."Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying She thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!".......So I hung up on the fat bitch.
COVERSATION IN THE MEN’S ROOM
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin Just Fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too wierd so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
" Can I come over to your place after awhile?"
Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
" Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
POTENTIAL AND REALITY
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother.
"Mum, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room.
"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Ohmygod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father.
"Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
Devil
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you?"
Breakfast with the wife
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
Beer Q & A
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
Stopped by the police
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm really sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
Fast drinker
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I 've got"
The bartender hastily asks, "What have you got,pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I've got a dollar."
LIKE MY WIFE
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Does your dog bite?
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
A lecture about English
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
BARBIE
A man goes into a toy shop to buy his little girl a barbie doll. He ask's the sales assistant how much barbie dolls are.
The sales assistant says, "Barbie goes to the Ball - £14.99, barbie goes to the Beach - £14.99, barbie goes to a Sleep over - £14.99 and Barbie gets Divorced - £214.99."
The man says to the sales assistant, "Why is Barbie gets Divorced more than the rest?"
The sales assistant then says, "Because she comes with Kens house, Kens car, Kens boat and half his money"
The crowded store
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
Embarrassed drinker
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he drinks it, he tells the bartender that it is his birthday, he is now 40 today and has never been to a bar before.The bartender is surprised but listens. The man orders another pint and one for the barman, telling the barman that it was such nice beer he would like "one for the road". On downing his second pint, he walks to the center of the room, whips out his willy and spins in a circle, peeing over everyone. The barman, very angry, throws him out.
The next evening the man walks into the bar again. The barman stops him saying, "I'm not serving you - you have two pints and then you go MAD!"
"I know how you must feel," says the man, "but I have come to apologise. This has never happened to me before and I am deeply embarassed. It has taken a lot of courage to overcome my embarassment and return here to apologise."
The barman decides to let him off and to buy a drink for everyone in the bar saying sorry. He has one himself. When the man has finished the drink, he offers to buy a drink for the barman, who accepts. On finishing his second drink, once again the man walks to the center of the room, jumps up on a table, whips out his willy, and spins around peeing over everyone. The barman throws him out.
The man walks into the bar on the third evening. The barman is quite angry and tells him that he will not be served no matter what he says.
"I understand," our hero says. "I am very deeply embarassed that there has been a repetion of my gross behaviour. It has taken a lot of courage to deal with my embarassment and to come here to apologise. I have been so embarassed that I have sought professional help. I have been to see a doctor, who has treated me and now assured me that I am cured!"
Seeing that he is cured, the barman decides to allow the man to stay. He buys a drink for the dwindling clientele and one for himself. As he chats to the barman about his embarassment, the barman takes pitty on this lonley man and allows him another drink. He downs his second pint, walks to the center of the room, jumps onto a table, whips out his willy and spins in a circle peeing over everyone.
The barman calls out, "I thought you were cured!"
"I am!" replies the man, "I am no longer embarassed!"
Looking to buy a frog?
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Frog
A guy walks into a bar with a frog growing out of his forehead. Astonished, the bartender shouts "wow, where'd you get that!! ? " the frog says, " I don't know, it started out as a wart on my arse!''
I didn't get any money this time
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $30,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad!"
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
Who can say this sentence?
The Kings Arms pub.Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
I don't owe anything for this drink
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm really sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
Contact:[email protected]
Last updated March 2006
web design by Glen Croucher,2006