| How to Write an E-Mail Report Using America Online: 1. Type in your user name and password and hit the "Sign On" button. 2. Fix yourself a cup of coffee. 3. Watch the next show on the Discovery Channel. 4. Return to your computer. Wait approximately a half hour for AOL to finish signing you on. 5. Avoid impacting table with head as you are immediately signed off. Repeat Steps 1-4. 6. Open your online Mailbox. 7. After selecting the message at the top of your e-mail list, hit the "Delete" button approximately 250 times to get rid of unwanted junk mail and porno chainletters. 8. Hit the "Write Mail" button. Begin writing your e-mail report. 9. Avoid pounding keyboard with forehead as you are signed off halfway through your report. Repeat Steps 1-4. 10. Hit the "Write Mail" button. Begin rewriting your e-mail report. 11. Hit the "Save" button after writing the first two paragraphs. 12. Resist hurling your monitor out the window as AOL informs you that your computer has performed an illegal operation and signs you off. 13. Write your e-mail report using MS-Word or Notepad. 14. Save your e-mail report using MS-Word or Notepad. 15. Highlight the text of your report and hit the "Copy" button. 16. Repeat Steps 1-4. Resist the urge to fill out an application to Harvard College because you have learned so much from the Discovery Channel. 17. Hit the "Write Mail" button. Make sure your cursor is inside the text box for your e-mail. 18. Hit the "Paste" button. 19. Make sure the nearest window is closed. 20. Scream and curse at the top of your lungs because your computer has frozen. Avoid replacing your CD-ROM drive with your keyboard. 21. Call your neighbor and inform him/her that you are coming over to use their computer. 22. (optional) Collect all 367 of your AOL CD's that you have received in the mail. Transform them into coasters. received in the mail. Transform them into coasters. |
| Jokes |
| Hotter then Hades A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities. #1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. #2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic. The student got the only A. |
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