"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." speaking about education reform at a Tennessee elementary school - 2/21/01
pro is to con as progress is to Congress
it is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious
Paul's Law: you can't fall off the floor
Heller's Law: the first myth of management is that it exists
Osborn's Law: variables won't, constants aren't
Weinberg's 2nd Law: if builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization
1st Law of Socio-Genetics: celibacy is not hereditary
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.--J.D. Salinger
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
Those who can't write, write instruction manuals.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
I know a man who was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
If you have the capacity to learn from mistakes, you'll learn a lot today.
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
Paranoids are people too; they have their problems. It's easy to criticize them but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too!
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Main's Law: for every action there is an equal but opposite government program
Pohl's Law: nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, won't hate it
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost.
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and holds the universe together.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
The new Congress says it will turn the government around. I hope I don't get run over again.
About the time we make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
God made idiots for practice, and then he made the School Board.--Mark Twain
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors...and miss.
If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
There are three ways to get things done: Do it yourelf, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
80% of all drivers consider themselves to be above average.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut!
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Boob's Law: you always find something in the last place you look.
Weiler's Law: nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.--Mark Twain
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.--Mark Twain
Blessed are they who go around in little circles, for they shall be known as big wheels.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
I really hate this darn machine.
I wish that they would sell it.
It
never does quite what I want,
but only what I tell it.
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
Slick's 3rd Law of the Universe:
There are two kinds of dirt:
the dark
kind, which is attracted to light objects, and
the light kind, which is
attracted to dark objects
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 1) if reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once 2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
The IQ of a committee is the lowest IQ of a member of the committee divided by the number of people in the committee.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
AMAZING BUT TRUE...There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out, it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.--Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
SEMINARS: from "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
Law of Probable Dispersal: whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Rule of Defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: people are always available for work in the past tense
Canada Bill Jones' Motto: it's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants to read.--Mark Twain
NAPOLEON: "What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he says
is wrong."
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he
says will be right."
Hey, who took the cork off my lunch??!--W.C. Fields
Good News. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day!
Conway's Law: in every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
Fifth Law of Applied Terror: if given an open book exam, you will forget your
book
Corollary: If you are given a take home exam, you will forget where you
live.
Nothing is faster than the speed of light. To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on.
Even the best of friends cannot attend each others funeral.
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can which, when discarded, will last forever....and a $25,000 car which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.--Mark Twain
Leibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
Goldenstern's Rules: 1) always hire a rich attorney 2) never buy from a rich salesman
You can always tell a Harvard man, but you can't tell him much.--James Barnes
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
Having children is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any, then you probably won't either.
In a single day, Samson slew a thousand Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. Every day, thousands of sales are killed with the same weapon.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one.
Taxes are not raised for the benefit of the taxed.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
The difference between science and the fuzzy disciplines(like education) is that science requires reasoning, while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant, yet the population is growing.
Don't worry if everything doesn't work right. If it did, you'd be out of a job.
Two can live as cheaply as one...for half as long.
Life is dominated by two kinds of people:
1) Those who understand what
they don't manage
2) Those who manage what they don't understand
In our civilization, and under our current form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
You know it's going to be a bad day when...
your blind date turns out to
be your ex-wife.
you want to put on the clothes that you wore home from the
party and there aren't any.
you wake up face down on the pavement.
you put
your bra on backwards and it fits better.
your birthday cake collapses from
the weight of the candles.
your car horn goes off accidentally and remains
stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
your twin sister
forgot your birthday.
you wake up and discover that your waterbed sprang a
leak and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
you see a "60 Minutes"
news team waiting in your office.
I like work...I can sit and watch it for hours.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
REPORTER(to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western
Civilization?
GANDHI: I think it would be a good idea.
The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
Any simple problem can be made unsolvable if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Perkins' Postulate: the bigger they are, the harder they hit
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
Seeger's Law: anything in parentheses can be ignored
First Law of Corporate Planning: anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing".
Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long.
If you have a difficult task, give it to someone lazy. That person will find an easier way to do it.
Life is like a dog sled team. If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
If there's artificial intelligence, there's bound to be artificial stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, hide all evidence that you tried!
The biggest cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid people are so sure about things and the intelligent folks are so full of doubts. - Bertrand Russell
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Malaprops attributed to former Florida State, Rice and Houston Oiler Football
Coach Bill Peterson.
-Trying to fire up his team Peterson announced: "Just
remember the words of Patrick Henry - 'Kill me or let me live!'"
-"We're
gonna throw the football come high or hell water. We're not gonna be any
three-clouds-and-a-yard-of-dust kind of team."
-"Don't look a sawhorse in the
mouth."
-"We can hang our heads high."
-"He has a chronicle knee
injury."
-Advice to a frustrated freshman: "Son, you can't become a football
over night. You've got to work at it."
-Upon learning players were filling up
on doughnuts at the school cafeteria between training table sessions: "I've
talked to a nutritionist, and I wanna tell you guys something. Three things are
bad for you. I can't remember the first two, but the third is doughnuts."
-"I
want you thinking of one word all season, just one word. That word is 'Super
Bowl.'"
-"Let sleeping bags lie."
-"Don't kill the goose that lays the
deviled egg."
-Advising his teams on proper behavior for the national anthem:
"I want you men standing on your helmets with the sidelines under your
arms."
-"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
-Asked if he thought
it would rain on game day: "What do you think I am, a geologist?"
-"It's cold
outside; be sure to put you ear muffins on."
-About a hospitalized friend:
"They gave him one of those E.G.G.'s and they got him in extensive
care."
-"We can beat this team. All we have to do is capitalize on our
mistakes!"
-"In this game of football, you've got to pipe the
payer."
-Upon his entry into the Florida Sports Hall of Fame: "It's an honor
to be indicted."
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A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of Baked Bread May Be
Health Hazard." The article went on the describe the dangers of the smell of
baking bread. The main danger, apparently is that the organic components of this
aroma may break down ozone (This is really true!).
In light of this, consider
the following...
1. More than 98% of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2.
Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread consuming households score below
average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all
bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;
infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth;
and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole
nations.
4. More than 90% of violent crimes are committed with 24 hours of
eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough". it has been
proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.
The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitve
tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer,
Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven
to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat actually
begged for bread after only two days!
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food
item, leading the user to harder items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and
even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human
body is more than 90% water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
body being taken over by the absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy,
gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11.
Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrnheit! That kind of
heat can kill an adult human in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread
eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and
meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of the frightening statistics,
we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to
minors.
2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3. A 300%
federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate
with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A
$4,200,000,000,000 fine should be imposed on the three biggest bread
manufacturers.
Please forward this information to everyone you know and
who cares about this crucial issue!
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A quote attributed to Father Epp, a Capuchin Friar, from the monastery at
Munjor, Kansas, near Hays, in 1902...
" ...because without beer, things do
not seem to go as well"
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" -Benjamin
Franklin
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