Happy fuckin new years. Like a whole month late yes I know, but get over it. So my life is ultimate shit. ULTIMATE. Lets see how its going. My dad is a motherfuckin back stabber. He used me for his own personal gain, and I am too big a wuss to even confront him about it, so I will CONTINUE to let it go. Judge hasn't ruled yet, a WEEK AND A HALF AGO. Fuckin bastard. He's not payin support in the mean time and I am broke. One Broke Bitch. What else what else. I broke up with Jough. Hah, yeah! God fuckin damnit. What is wrong with me? Why did I break up with him?? I still don't know. Its not where I meant the conversation to go. Its not what I meant to happen. It just did. And I am still confused about it. I have fought off urges all day to not IM him and kiss and make up. Why? Cause I have shit I need to work out, and I would like to not break his heart again. Funny thing is...I feel like shit. The ONE time in my life I decide to be selfish, I hurt the person who cares about me the most. Whyyyyyy?! WHY FUCKIN WHY!? I don't even know where to go with this. I don't know what to do. I am a total mess. I hate myself more now than I ever have. So yea, thats been my last couple of weeks. The only thing goin well is school. I actually ENJOY most of my classes, but like...school still sucks. Its -20 degrees F outside BEFORE windchill. I got frost bite walkin home from class. So I am at home right chillin and the phone rings..I am like ok whatever answer...guess what? TWO..not one but TWO of my three dogs died. DIED! If its not a sign from God that my life is gonna be shitty for awhile than I dunno what is. My dreams are even fucked up. I even analyzed one and came up with the fact that I don't have a path in life. Until I get my life together thats it....I have nothing. I probably just sound histerical, and crazy and stupid...but I am. I am cause I suck. I suck, I hate myself, I am miserable, I chase away EVERYONE who loves me, and even God isn't on my side. Thats it. Bye.
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I always thought freezing to death would be a horrendous way to die. I mean IMAGINE. How very wrong I was. Not that I am dead, obviously, but I got a good glimpse this morning of just how it might be. Story ensues: So I went for a nice walk this morning. Nice being the operative word there. I got up threw on my hoodie and my scarf and mittens and took a stroll. Didn't seem like a bad plan if you ignore the fact that the temperature was a brisk -16 degrees windchill out. So I was good at first. It actually wasn't too bad at all, and it was nice to get out, but then...it allll changed. First my thighs and ass went numb. Now I am not really sure why, but those are alllllways the first things to go. So I kept on going. I walked about 3 miles actually. And it wasn't horrible. Its weird actually, and totally painless until the headache sets in. Much like when you eat ice cream too fast it hits hard and strong, only this one doesn't go away till you warm up. But the weird stuff is cool...you'll be walking around and like every once in awhile you'll get this surge of warm. It doesn't last long, but god is it refreshing. I dunno where it comes from but its nice. And you sweat...surprising I know. You don't sweat all over, just where your body stays the warmest. Between your thighs...under your arms...etc. I imagine you get so cold that those parts are warm enough to enduce your bodies cooling mechinisms, but I am clueless honestly. Its just...weird...all together, and not bad at all. I suggest it to everyone. It does take a couple hours to completely warm back up granted. My thighs are still cold...but its amazing how the body works huh?