Would you like to say anything before you go? How do you feel now?

Shakes his head in disgust. I think I had a hair in my eye.

Shudders rock my ribcage. I think of the popcorn they sell at Target. Then I remember the circus when I was young, how I cut myself on the popcorn box and how bright red the blood was that wouldn't stop flowing. It stung because of the salt.

I think of summer days with old friends. How Max came with us to the store even though he was under house arrest.

Knocking at the door. The cookie man. They called me the cookie man. They must have known what a horrible job it was. How many nights did I worry about being alone. How many nights did I fall asleep crying like a battered woman over nothing. How many years were wasted in pity. How many nights did I dream of violet hyacinths growing by the ocean. How badly I wanted to love those flowers.

Hang up the phone.

I wake up, sitting up in bed. I don't remember where I am for a moment. For a moment I swear I can still hear the screaming girl and the gunshots echoing in the alleyway. The flicker of candles. But I left them all behind. I ran so far away to this country, a place none of them ever dreamed existed. The only sound is the creak of springs as the silent snow falls. I turn in my bed and am carried back to the ocean, those violet hyacinths. Back to the moment I walked by her, holding that book of Shakespeare in my hand and my heart beating restlessly in my chest. Back, back, back I go. Deep, deep, deep into the black ocean of the past. Of a future that never was. Of secrets never shared.

The half-buried figurine stares at me from the dirt. It is not how I remember leaving it. It was a man before, but now it is a glass swan. I fear for the swan. I wish I could show somebody how beautiful it is. In time.

[continue]