Woah have you ever heard of the *Mega-Sloth*?! I'll bet that you haven't! This super-mega-awesome-uber-cool guy is super-mega-awesome-uber-cool! He evolved from the Megatherium to the Folivora to the Megafolivoratherium! How cool is that?! Very, amiright?! Way cooler than those Maymays, kids! So strap in, 'cause Papa Gink's gonna teach you a little somethin' 'bout this spectacular, all-round miracle!
The Mega-Sloth is one amazing creature, with eight (that's right, eight) arms! Not only that, but the Mega-Sloth has razor sharp claws and teeth (wOAH)! The razor claws are for fighting off super rude b*tts like bears and haters, while the teeth are for digging into some good ol' sush', the Mega-Sloth's favorite meal (delish)! Not only that, but the Mega-Sloth also has some mega cool Graecian Sphynx wings (h*CK YEAH) that it got from solving its riddle (see "Sloth Stories!" to read all about it)! Not only that, but it's also got a sweet "Obey" hat and a gun (oh my g*sh so thug)! Call me Billy Mays because, wait, there's more!
Some of you may be thinking, "The Mega-Sloth is *so* fake!" or "The Mega-Sloth looks cool, but it's probably a huge b*tthead". Well guess what? You're wrong, nerds! The Mega-Sloth has quite the personality! And they're real! Get wrecked, scrubs! This awesome, totally real guy is extremely chill! So chill, one Mega-Sloth named Dave once froze the sun (see "Sloth Stories!" for more information)! But, get this, he totally melted the ice with his super warm heart (amo semper portat victoriam)! And, though they seem like it, Mega-Sloths totally don't do drugs! No "pot" for "slot"! Plus Mega-Sloths totally love chilling on the couch and watching some good anime (Bee Movie, Seinfeld, et cetera)! So, if you hate on these guys, you suck lemons, boy! Lemons covered in salt and hot sauce!
Long ago, back in the time that dinosaurs ruled the planet, lurked the massive ancestors of the sloths: the Megatherium! Standing, on average, six meters, or twenty feet, tall and weighing in at 4 tonnes, this creature was truly a sight to behold! The Megathirium was so large that the only other mammals that were larger were some species of mammoths (mammoths were pretty large, in case you didn't know)! The Megatherium, like the sloths we know today, have curved claws. However, these were used at the time to pull down braches, while the modern sloth uses the claws to help hang onto branches. Another difference is the way that they walked: the Megatherium moved more like an anteater, walking with the sides of its feet, because its claws would dig into the ground. All of this changed, however, when a bold Megatherium named Doug would bring the downfall of his kind.
One day, Doug, a giant ground sloth, or Megatherium, was doing his daily activities-- eating leaves, breathing, et cetera-- when John, another one of his kind, made his way over and spoke thus:
"Doug, dear friend, I have splendid news!" announced John.
"What is it, John?" questioned Doug in an irritated voice. "Can't ya see I'm eating some fine-as-b*tts leaves here?"
"We have captured a sacrifice!"
"Truly?!"
"Truly!"
"Well, John, this is wonderful news! Please, bring me to this sacrifice!" Having recieved such urgent news, John lead Doug to the center of the town, to the Great Cecropia Tree, which was, as the name suggests, a large Cecropia tree. The tree was not only the gathering place of all ground sloths, but its Cecropia leaves carried magical properties: wounds could heal up almost instantaneously; anybody that feasted on the leaves would gain strength; and, as long as the tree stood, the entire land would remain at peace. Tied to the Great Cecropia was a Glyptodon, or giant armadillo, surrounded by both ground sloth families, the Megalonyx family and the Megatherium family. This was a great surprise to Doug, seeing how the two families were sworn enemies! "What is the meaning of this?!" cried Doug. "Why are the Megalonyx here?!" Doug's tantrum drew the attention of the two groups, causing them to turn to him and John.
"Now calm down, Doug," advised Old Man Guilbert, the elder and leader of the Megatherium. "We believe that this sacrifice may unite our people."
"Ye, cool your jets ya square," taunted Neagan, the young and reckless leader of the Megalonyx. Doug emits a mighty roar and charges at Neagan, his head as blank and as hott as the backside of freshly printed paper. John, however, quickly jumps in the way and grapples with his friend, slowing and eventually stopping him.
"Just relax, bud," John says in a calm tone. Doug continues to writhe and struggle a bit, but soon submits, heaves a heavy sigh, and begins to walk away.