| dear Andy, love ur angel. When i signed up to something fishy I chose the name andysangel. Andy is the name iv given u *the voice* and well...i was to become an angel because of you...*in the arms of an angel...may you find some comfort there* i thought... i knew youd kill me...i thought I might find comfort in you.. but thats all too complex now isnt it...its not as logical or as artsy fartsy as that. its a hundred and one things and none of it. You changed my life. I changed my life. Who am I? Who are you? Questions all the time...and the only answer is because Trying to explain it coherently. Believe it or not I have an english language A level... here's a piece I wrote which sums everything up in a neat little parcel tied w/a bow listen to this!... listen!... I am not upset because of work or some such. I am upset, disjointed, broken, torn because he raped me and tried to kill me. Listen to how that makes me feel about myself Listen to how that makes me see others how it changed my perceptions of the world from black to white to grey how it turned the positives into negatives how it turned words into numbers how it turned what I hear into what I see and back again So u wanna know my story? Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin The story of how I became Uncomfortable in my own skin. Lips on Lips Lips on Skin Skin on Lips Skin on Skin He becomes me i become him Him and me become we we become one one becomes life one becomes death one becomes gone tainted by his lips corrupted by his skin skin becomes sin lips become hips hips become him he becomes me me is my mind he is my mind my mind hears lips my mind thinks hips my mind hears skin my mind thinks sin This is our story andy, how we came to be so together we are siamese twins and opposites and equals You are a teacher and a bully the lessons you have taught me are the hardest I've ever had to learn You are all the emergency services You are the policeman who is protecting me You are the ambulance driver, doctor and nurse trying to save my sanity you are the fireman rescuing me from the fire in my heart you are the criminal robbing and raping me you are the funeral director driving my hurst you are the firestarter we're playing with fire and I'm getting burnt. we are as close as lovers and as far apart you are an angel flying me to the underworld Ok, i guess I'd best start from the beginning...when did I first encounter you my friend...my enemy... You were there in the background when I was three and being forcefed yoghurt by my headmaster at school...you were there.... no cant think about it...you stop me thinking about it, because you were there and thats all i need to know. i remember random things like the green tiles on the walls. i remember the taste and the texture of the cherry yoghurt. I remember the big man looming over me forcing the spoon into my mouth, metal clinking on my teeth... i dont remember how I felt but I can guess. Coz its been like that ever since. And I remember when i was five I had a panic attack because there was a pea on my plate and i was screaming and crying and shaking. You were there then. They didn't listen to me. and I can barely recall it, except I can recall the feel of the ceramic plate. the colour the texture the smell.... the Food... you were there. you've always been there. you've never left me and i doubt you ever will. and when I'm seven i get hunger headaches because I don't eat and drink enough at school lunch. I remember the school dining hall. I was so short I had to stand on tiptoes to see over the serving hatch. I remember when I was ten and you were there then. I started to restrict then. By the time i was twelve I was binging and purging . thirteen i was eating compulsively and drinking to excess. Fourteen I began Self injuring and headed full on into restricting again. Fifteen I was hospitalised for the first time. Sixteen I nearly died after oding. Seventeen I thought i was dying after vomiting blood. Eighteen I was dead in mind and spirit. Nineteen I went across USA and ended up nearly dying from dehydration. Aged twenty was spent on a downhill spiral to the point of total obsession again. The day before my twentyfirst birthday I was in the doctors surgery begging for medication to end this hell... Someone give me chemicals to stop my head. My twentyfirst birthday was spent in a nauseous daze the side effects of meds stopping me even conversing. i remember the food though through all of it. I remember all of it. I dont want to remember all of it. I dont want to think about it. I want to remember what I ate through all of it. I can tell you what I ate on every significant date in my life. Because that's the most important thing right? behaviours, behaviours,behaviours. Gotta focus on them. See, most ppl dont understand you Andy, they havent a clue the kinda relationship us two have. And nor could I ever hope to explain it to them. And nor would I want anyone else to have you in their life. ya know I doubt your name, your term, my diagnonsense! more PTSD in my case..labels schmabels I could be a hundred different things. You could be a hundred different things but you and me are we. No space left for a significant other. You scare me Andy, coz I really want to live. and you tell me you'll never kill me and I believe you. Yet doctors have told me different and I believe different. other ppl have told me they will kill me and I lived. Can't touch me. And what about when I get to Uni? wot about then? whats going to happen then? But its ok..coz really Im thinking, what about that independence. meeting new ppl, pressures of study...drink and drugs..and how am I going to cope? I am strong Andy, indestructable. We've been through a lot and you've got me through it. The Rapes, the violence. But at what cost? What payment do you take? And is it taken or do I give it to you. Are you just another abuser in my life, yes no maybe. This hurts. I see how much you've helped me through. You rescued me when I was a little child. You saved me. I cant think about me being a little child... It hurts...make it stop hurting. Think about the future... But how did you help me get through that? How is it helpful to end up a quivering gibbering wreck. I have an image of myself. I am huddled in the corner against the radiator and my bed. I am shivering with cold and shaking and crying silently with fear. All I can see is images from the past. Noises, voices in my head XXXXstone and Fifteen years old. Who made me that way? Is it you? Or is it them? But had you not been there when I was three, five, seven, ten. Would I have ever made it to fifteen? And is it because of you i've made it through to Twenty One. Is it because of or inspite of you? I am helathy weight again now. And ppl who knew me back then and know me now..well think they know me...because they dont know me atall...They speak of you as if you are some kind of evil monster. But youre not..But you are...they talk of you robbing me of my teenage years...But no one ever speaks of how I was robbed of my childhood...They never speak of the other evil monsters. the violent boy. he made me think like this...you are too much like him in a way and I see it. You know how some abused women run from one abuser to a next. I did that for a long time, from when I was three til when I was fifteen..but by then I'd found the perfect abusive partner..Myself - you - me & the voice... how can anyone hurt me more than you do? How can anyone love me as much as you do. I can't explain this... I'm trying... I'm hurting ... I was hurt. I am hurt and I will hurt myself in the future. Damit...I'm too aware this is for public consumption... Too aware i don't sound logical or coherent. Too aware i cannot construct a sentence. (thanks for bearing with me this long) This piece of writing is chaotic, disjointed, nonsensical. And I guess then its perfect. Because that is what life is like... It's full of deceptions, perceptions, fear and confusion... I'm scared. |
| Charley's Letter to her ED |
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