Here's just a short little Paris musing. It's kind of, well not dark dark, just not bright. It's a little sad. Hopefully. I mean, that's what I was going for, so if it doesn't seem sad, don't tell me. :P Here. :)
----That Feeling--
by Malka
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I don't know when it began. To me, it's stupid to think in terms of timespans or ages. I can't imagine a year when it didn't exist, didn't monopolize most of my time. The only thing I ever put it on hold for was my schoolwork, and lately I've even been pushing away extra credit assignments to obsess about it.

It's ridiculous, really. I mean, where has this ever gotten me? Sure, there's that incomprable feeling, the rush, but when that's faded, what's left? Nothing.

Oh, wait, I forgot. There is something. There's *her*.

In *my* place, in *my* school, talking with *my* friends, getting...

Getting those looks that should be mine. That belong to me. That *are* mine.

In my head, anyway.

I keep throwing myself in her path lately. Just wanting to pick a fight over anything. Any little thing. The last dessert in the cafeteria, the homework, the freaking weather. Anything that will allow me to vent, to say without saying how completely and utterly enraged I am with her. Not only that--how humiliated and hurt and--and--*betrayed*--I feel.

Not just from him, either. No, from both of them. It's like she's taking over my life. But worse than that? He's letting her. No, he's *wanting* her. And that's the most devastating part of it. He's wanting *her* when he should be...

It was supposed to be different. It was supposed to be the two of us. You know? That would have gotten me through this. But no, Little Miss Perfect comes along and all I've got are these two dimwits who I wouldn't trust with my most despised pair of socks, let alone my secrets. And soon, I probably won't even have them.

Good. Riddance.

Yeah, right.

Deep down, I'm not as lovestruck as I seem. When he comes over and flirts with me just to get to her, well, that's when I just want to really tear into him, to kick and scream and cry about how he's to blame. It's all his fault. But I can't. I'm protecting it. If I were to say any of those things I'm thinking, it would destroy the one thing that I do have. So I have to bite my lip.

I don't know how I could make it through the day without it. And if it weren't for him, well, who knows if I'd ever feel it again?

I'm not a big risk-taker. And this is not something I want to start with. It's too big a part of who I am. I guess that's the real fear--that it's all I am. I just don't want to see if I'm wrong. I can't chance it. It's just too important. It's the only non-love from a non-boyfriend that I've ever had. And I just don't think I'll get another chance.