Now, I am sure that after reading the above title, you will be very curious as to what I am talking about and hopefully very excited to begin work on your very own Potato Propulsion System (hereafter known as PPS), but not so fast. PPS is in fact a very exact science requiring many years of schooling to learn the basics of things like thermodynamics and modulus factors of basic plastic materials used in the construction of such a device, or at least seeing one such device in real life and using what we PPS scientists like to refer to as the TLAR (That Looks About Right) rule.
Getting to town is a very important part of the equation when it comes to building a PPS. Hopefully, you have a big farm truck, preferably a diesel, that you can fit a full length of PVC pipe in. It should also be very wide to accommodate a piece of PVC sideways in the cab. I will touch upon this in just a little while. Now, everyone knows that a large diesel truck is not meant for speed, so the 70-80 mph that you are traveling in order to get to the store before it closes will cause overheating. The simple solution to this is to slow down, but we are in a hurry and have no time for such small details as seized engines and large amounts of smoke coming out of the tailpipe. Hopefully, your truck will have a working bright beam indicator for it's headlights. If not, just get used to people flashing their headlights at you, and have some witty comments like "My headlights are already dim" and "My brights are not on" prepared and ready to use when the flashing occurs. You will also need to worry about passing other vehicles in order to make it into town on time. Everyone knows that you should always pass to the left side of cars, but that is sometimes a problem when that lane is in use by another car coming head on to you. What do you do, you ask? Well, that is very simple. You of course have to pass on the shoulder of the road on the right side of the car ahead of you.This will cause you to make many friends, with many of them waving to you with a strange middle finger extended wave. These are the kind of people you can expect to have honk at you as they go by if your engine decides to blow up later on. Aren't you glad you made these new friends?
First thing you are going to have to do when you get to town is gather up the components for the PPS. Ideally, you should have many building stores in your area in order to purchase the required materials for construction of your very own PPS. Local police are always on the lookout for potential PPS construction, and as such, have undercover cops in unmarked uniforms near the cash registers of all the local building supply stores. You have to be smart in order to get past this little roadblock. Ideally, you should have at least 2 friends. If not, you might have to find a couple of friendly folks in the building supply store of your choice. These "friends" are going to become decoys in your elaborate scheme to launch potatoes. What you need to do is split up the purchase of the components of your PPS. I will discuss this at a later time.
The components required for a PPS are quite easy to procure. A bit of plastic pipe, a grill ignitor, and some assorted fittings are all that is necessary. ABS pipe is the best type of pipe to use, but PVC is cheaper. We will use PVC. Get yourself a piece of 2", a piece of 4" and the necessary fittings to mate the two. Now, remember the undercover cops? Well, here comes the tricky part. It will require perfect planning, razor sharp wit, and of course money. What you have to do is split up the pipe purchase. Give one friend-new or old-the pipe for the barrel and chamber. Give the other the back fittings. You take the 2" to 4" reducer. Make sure everyone takes a different register. Now comes the part where the razor sharp wit shows it's, well, sharpness. You HAVE to make small talk with the cashier. They are on the watchout too, and all it takes is one slip and you are headed for Leavenworth for at least 15-20. You absolutely cannot say "I am making a PPS" when he/she asks what the pipe/reduce/fitting is for. That is the number one slip up would be PPS makers make. You have to come up with a lame excuse, like "I am putting a new drain in my basement" or "One of my water pipes broke and my house got flooded." Hopefully, you got through this stage of the game ok. Otherwise, enjoy your time in Leavenworth. I have heard the guards there really aren't all that bad and the food is really pretty good.
You may think that you are home free now, and are probably feeling pretty smug in your defeating the PPS cops, but you are far from free. You see, demons known only as the "PVC Bandits" watched you buy that pipe, and they are now planning ways to take ownership of it. You must be on your guard at all times from now on. If you are anything like a normal PPS scientist, you will now be hungry, and since you are feeling so good about yourself, you probably feel like a treat. You have a CD you have had your eyes on for a while, don't you? Well, now is the time to indulge yourself, you have earned it. There is only one small problem. The Bandits are on your tail and are waiting for just such an opportunity to seize control of your PVC pipe that you bought with your own money. This must be stopped at all costs. Hopefully, you brought a truck to carry the PVC home, and hopefully, it has a cab. Now, follow these directions carefully, and you will have no trouble with missing PVC when you return. What you need to do is put the PVC in the cab and lock it. Got that? Just put it in the cab and lock it up. This has been proven to stop 99% of all PVC Bandit attacks. Now head into your favorite CD store (Target, Wal-Mart, or even K-Mart are all good choices), and get your new CD. Feel confident that your PVC will be there when you get back because of your ingenious thinking ahead in locking it into the cab of the truck. When you return, take the pipe out of the cab. It is real difficult to drive with it in the cab, and the PVC bandits rarely will attack a moving vehicle, so it is reasonably safe in the back of your truck. It has been shown by research that only about 10% of all PVC Bandit crimes occur to a moving vehicle. Some, who do not believe in the Bandits, may say that the pipe simply fell out of the back of the truck due to reckless driving, but you and I know that that is simply not the case. I mean how far up on 2 wheels would you have to be to get that pipe to fall out? Come on, the only reasonable explanation is demons, PVC Bandits be thy name.
Next, you are going to have to eat. Now, you have spent at least $3 on your pipe, and maybe as much as $15 on your new CD. Supper is going to have to come cheap. Hopefully, you have a Fazoli's in your area. They serve what are called breadsticks, and they come for free. That is the very definition of cheap. You will need to use your silver tongue on this one too. Go sit down without ordering and wait for the waiter/waitress to come along and offer you breadsticks. Hopefully, you got a pretty waitress. While she admires your finely chiseled facial features, she will ask you if you would like any breadsticks. You are very hungry, and very poor, and those breadsticks do look mighty tasty, so your only answer to that question will be "Yes, yes I would" followed by a signature crooked smile. That waitress will not be back. You have just scared her away with your suave mannerism. You don't know it yet, but your life just took a turn for the worst. Just about 30 seconds later, you will be finishing up a joke with your friends and laughing your deep booming laugh of a handsome polite person, and some very pretty young girls will walk by. They were thinking of asking you for a date, and I mean who couldn't. You are just SO handsome and polite, but they will be intimidated by your deep booming laugh and will go back to their table to admire you from a distance and dream of what might have been, but alas, we have strayed far from what our goals were when we started out the night. You need to get back on track.
After thanking your pretty waitress for her wonderful service (not that kind, you pervert), you walk out the door and head for your truck. Now, you did remember to lock up the PVC in the cab right? If not, a good night just went bad. That PVC will not be there. While you were out crushing young girls' dreams, the PVC Bandits made their attack. You now have nothing, and the store is closed. You deserve it for being so irresponsible. I hope you learned your lesson. If the Bandits have not struck, take out the PVC and put it in the back and head out.
When you get home, put the pieces of the PPS together as best your memory recalls how to. Make sure you use real PVC cement and not Elmer's glue or the equivalent. In about an hour, you should be done, but you now have a big problem. How do you light the thing? If you were thinking ahead enough to get a grill ignitor when you got the pipe, you are all set, otherwise, we have a big problem. I hope you have a neighbor that has a gas grill. I of course do not condone stealing in any way, but maybe he/she will not mind too badly if you borrow the ignitor from their grill, say in the middle of the night sometime. You will need to figure out how best to route the wiring for the ignition system. If you must, you can make sure the ignitor works by putting it on your finger and pushing the button. Hurts, doesn't it? That probably wasn't the best idea you had today. Once you get it all assembled, let it dry for at least 5 minutes. The cement can says 24 hours, but what do they know? We are scientists, I said so at the top of this article. We know what is best in every situation, and if 5 minutes is what we say, 5 minutes it is. Now, what to fuel it with. Hairspray seems to be the logical choice, but come on, we can do better than that. You have to have at least some brake or carburetor cleaner if you consider yourself to be a true PPS scientist. Use that. You will get much more distance and run at least a 25% better chance of losing an eye using your PPS that way. If you really want to be extreme, acetylene and oxygen will give you almost 10% greater range, and at least a 50% better chance of losing an arm or other vital body part in the process. Is it worth it? Of course, you idiot, being a PPS scientist is not a job for the weak.
Now, I hope you have found this article to be informative and also enlightening and possibly even a little inspiring, but takes a lot of work and dedication to get to the top of the list in a field like PPS science. But don't let that, and maybe a little personal injury or two stop you from striving to be the best of the best. Just imagine the chicks you will have when you are a famous PPS scientist. It is a tough life, but someone has to do it.