"Christmas is too commercial!"

Whoa, hol' on there, ya sandal-wearin' troglodyte! Before we bemoan the absence of religious purity, or the loss of childlike innocence at snowflakes and Santa, we should be mindful it's our ability to translate "ho-ho-ho" into "ka-ching" that keeps many of us employed January through November. Without the Jolly Juggernaut of December 25, America's economy would be bleaker than a fruit fly's lifeline.

Holiday gift giving is, for many, an important affirmation of the season's spirit and love. To that end, we traditionally buy things--objects--selected with care at the nearby Large Department Store. Wrap 'em up, slap on a "From" sticker, and all is in ready for Santa's annual munificence.

This year, along with all that "stuff," how about adding some services to your Christmas cornucopia? And what better way than with your patronage of the talented individuals in our own community? Besides, we help staunch the flow of solid waste when we buy a loved one a nice massage, instead of another Electric Vegamonster 5000.

Along the way, your more personal, one-of-a-kind gift may also provide Christmas memories that last a lifetime.

This week the Reporter has reached out to a diverse group of service providers from Ojai to Simi Valley to assemble some suggestions for our holiday "Alternative Gift Guide." A little offbeat, certainly distinctive, we feel confident that any of these under a sparkly tree will light a smile far brighter than any you'd get from another Polystyrene Percolator.

Bear in mind that these are just suggestions, not endorsements--maybe you already know a masseuse that can play "Lady of Spain" on your xylophone vertebrae. Use the following as a launch pad for your own creativity, and let the Jingle Bells Rock!

SKYDIVING

Some people say no thrill can match leaping out of an airplane at 13,500 feet. Some people also consider squid a "food." Go figure ... But if the attendant at Magic Mountain's "Free Fall" has become your Yoda, give Air Adventures West a call and fully exploit your lust for sinking like a stone at 100 MPH. They've trained more than 100,000 budding silk-jockeys during the past 30 years, and offer two beginner packages: a "tandem" jump in a two-person 'chute, secured to the jumpmaster; and an "accelerated freefall," with instructors on either side during your jump. Both involve a one-minute freefall and an eight-minute parachute descent. And if you pass Santa up there, don't forget to wave.

FACIAL

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer--so grotesque, the other reindeer never invited him along when they challenged the neighborhood antelope at one of their all-night Twister parties (the "reindeer games" referred to in the song). Too bad Rudolph was unaware of the restorative powers of Professional Skin Care Salon. Their gift packages are designed for any size Christmas budget, and they can also custom-tailor a treatment for your special Rudolph.

AUTO CLUB MEMBERSHIP

If all the freeways in southern California were laid end to end, they'd stretch farther than an O.J. alibi. When you're driving one of these freeways at 4 a.m. ... and it's raining ... and your wallet contains exactly 39� ... and war breaks out in Bosnia ... okay, forget the last one, but otherwise, you'd best be prepared for the worst, by getting a Triple-A membership, unquestionably the premier roadside assistance in our geocenter. Rest easy knowing your loved one won't be lying prone by the side of a roaring highway one rueful day, as their inept hands transform a simple Subaru jack into some misshapen metallurgical semblance of the snarling creature from "Aliens" (not the first one, the second one with two mouths and dripping teeth - much worse).

ISLAND CRUISE

[sing] "I saw three ships come sailing in, It's you at sea, In Boat #3 ..." Yearn to heed the call of the salty brine? Have a parrot sing sea chanties on your shoulder? Then take a cruise with Island Packers out to the Channel Islands, and lean back while someone else does all the work! Their all-day cruise packages can take you to either Anacapa or Santa Cruz Islands, and include five hours of sightseeing on the island. You provide the parrot.

SAILING LESSONS

For some control freaks (i.e., most any breathing XY mammal), being merely a seafaring passenger isn't enough. Although recently approved for charter cruises, the Offshore Island Sailing Club specializes in providing training and support for those marine maties who best love the ocean when they wear the Cap'n Hat. Their introductory package includes three full days of sailing lessons, followed by three days of follow-up practice. If you take to it like -- well, like a duck takes to water -- lessons can continue up to such exotic specialties as racing and extended-cruise training, the latter which qualifies you to sail off into the sunset for Tahiti and the Carribean. Boats are also available for charter, from $150-$400/day. You may want to become a member of the club for $45/month, at which point the 22-footers are always at your sailing disposal at no charge.

KARAOKE RECORDING SESSION

Do you croon like Crosby on "White Christmas?" Rock like the Ronettes on "Winter Wonderland?" Tuneful Productions' Tony Mauri will preserve your dulcet tones on a cassette tape at one of his regular karaoke performances. Call Tony in advance so he may prepare his gear to capture every last nuance of your take on "Muskrat Love," or one of Tony's 6000 other CD-G selections. If your inconceivably obscure fave isn't among them, bring in your own CD and Tony's equipment can "mask" the vocals so you can sing along with any song from your own collection. And when it's time to get your music to the masses, Tuneful also offers a website showcasing various singers, including picture, brief bio, and two audio clips each.

MOORPARK MELODRAMA

Remember last year, when you strained to act pleased at receiving that Electric Dog Buffer as a Christmas present? Perhaps last year's acting acumen was a rehearsal for this year's gift! Unique to our Reporter Gift Suggestion List, Bob Fraser of the Magnificent Moorpark Melodrama has agreed to let any eager victim ... er, thespian ... participate in a walk-on role at the Melodrama production of their choice. Snooker your boss or best friend into a night at the theatre, then rollick in the aisles at their onstage participation in the hijinks of the Melodrama Players. I'm sure Meryl Streep started this way.

WEBSITE DESIGN

Time was, Santa had a list, checked it twice, and knew exactly who was naughty and nice. Kinda like the FBI. These days Santa keeps tabs on good little boys and girls by visiting their web page. The Web Lords at Advanced Micro Systems will help the Jolly Giftster track you down, with your choice of either "full domain" (www.yourname.com) or "virtual domain" (www.amsn.com/yourname) home page addresses.

HOT AIR BALLOON

For some slugabeds, the wildest part of a balloon adventure may be its pre-dawn departure time (to avoid winds). But Hugh Erlich, owner/pilot of Hot Air Balloon Adventure, promises it's worth it. Launch site is right off Highway 23 outside Moorpark--where you'll land is anyone's guess, depending on the winds. There's something appealing about starting a journey with no idea whatsoever of your destination. I got married in a hot air balloon, and it was--pardon the pun--a gas. And the marriage, like the ride itself, had about the same sense of direction. That's another story ...

GUITAR LESSONS

The fireplace is crackling, your family scents the impending Christmas feast. That's when someone shouts, "Let's sing a few carols!" Who's going to accompany this extemporaneous euphony? Not you, Boopsie, unless you call Mark Petersen at Guitar Planet and learn to play C-F-G right quick on your dusty six-string. Don't yet have a dusty six-string? Guitar Planet has two introductory packages for both acoustic and electric guitar fans, with everything you need to eventually become the Eddie Van Halen of 2012.

KAYAKING

Be a Krismas Kayaker. Jim Noggle, owner of Ventura's Hopper Boat Rentals, offers a 2-person all-ocean kayak for leisurely tours around Mandalay Bay or Channel Island Harbor without the noise and the fumes of an outboard motor. And don't be intimidated--Hopper's satisfied patrons range from 18 to 80+, from bodybuilders to paraplegics, and manager Happie will give any novice all the help they need to get that kayak a-crackin'.

YOGA

What did the yogi say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything." You may not achieve complete enlightenment, but the Ventura Yoga Studio can help you increase body awareness and relieve stress with their 90-minute classes combining physical exercises with mental focus Classes average ten students, and their five instructors are trained to see that each student receives attention to their individuals needs.

HOME HAIRCUTS

That long white mane and ZZ Top beard works for Kris Kringle - but I wouldn't commit to that as a look, if you're eager for mistletoe action from Santa's Helper. Now you have no excuse for not looking your wintry best -- three days each week (Mon.-Wed.) Linda Morgan is available to bring her haircutting and styling experience to your home or business anywhere in the Ventura/Oxnard area. By the time she's finished, you'll look as shiny as a Christmas penny. Where's that mistletoe?

AIRPLANE BANNER TOWING

When only the azure heavens themselves are vast enough to contain the profundity of your expression, Santa Paula pilot Pete Mason can drag your "BABY, MARRY ME" across the sky in seven-foot red letters for all the world (or at least much of Ventura County) to see. Slicing through the sky in his 1940's Stearman biplane, Pete may not be the most subtle messenger around, but he's a lot more memorable than just another December dinner-and-a-movie.

HOUSECLEANING

Christmas Day, plus one. Wrapping paper's strewn about like the aftermath of Lindbergh's ticker-tape parade, dirty dishes are piled like the Pyrenees in the kitchen sink, the tree's dropping needles like a blind seamstress ... what's a soul to do? Let somebody else clean it up! Merry Maids has been vanquishing grime and debris for more than a decade. Regularly $45 per hour for two maids, owner Paul Lopez will offer special discounts on gift certificates for any budget. Fully licensed, bonded, and insured (including worker's comp.), they take the mess out of "Christ-mess."

PSYCHIC READING

"I see a tall, dark stranger in your future. Oh, it's the IRS, they're here for your audit." Win some, lose some. Sandra at Oak View's Pychic Center will do everything she can to ensure your future looks brighter than this, using her interpretative powers via tarot card, palm, and psychic readings. Sessions range from 15-20 minutes for palm readings, to a full hour for psychic readings. Maybe you'll even learn what's in that big box under the tree before you unwrap it!

BACKPACKING

The North Pole, home of Santa's Workshop - it's a long way to the nearest IHOP. If any wilderness too rugged for your SUV feels like home to you, too, meet "Cyber-Shaman" Edmund Griswold. From his recent "Sespe Wilderness Adventure" featuring Hot Springs under a full moon, to upcoming trips planned for Mt. Shasta and Sedona, Griswold helps his clients "get in touch with their creative side, their connection to God. A lot of people have never been where it's quiet." Bring your own gear, and prepare to be inspired.

MUD BATH

If you were the kid whose mud pies were the hit of Mrs. Tuttle's 2nd-grade class, then the relaxing and therapeutic mud baths at the Ojai Valley Inn should fit your gift profile like a pig in a poke. The only one of its kind in the nation, it's based on the ancient Chumash ritual of Kuyam (KOO-yam, meaning "a place to rest together"). Three varieties of fresh-herb aromatic muds are applied to the participant's body, followed by gentle steam for inhalation therapy and cleansing, and finished with two separate rinsing showers and a final lotion treatment. In keeping with its Chumash heritage, you and up to seven of your friends are encouraged to "mud up" together.

DINNERS COOKED IN YOUR HOME

It's nice to eat out--but you usually have to get all dressed up, wait a half hour for a table, and then hope your instruction of "medium-well" doesn't translate to a still-throbbing tenderloin from the boys in the kitchen. And it's also nice to eat at home--but frankly, not much can be done with your pantry's two cans of lima beans and a Pop Tart. Get the best of both worlds--have a custom dinner prepared in the comfort of your own home. When "opulence" isn't a four-letter word, Doug Biggs will send a gourmet chef to your cozy hearth, where she will prepare and serve a culinary candlelit meal the likes of which will leave you basking in the glow of an upscale elegance even Kings Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh would envy.

DANCE INSTRUCTION

Know what Santa does the other 364 days of the year? He's a tap dancer! And you can be a tap dancer, too, if you contact the Simi Dance Center. Covering all styles from jazz to ballet to hiphop (yes, and tap), they've been helping east county residents move to the rhythm of life since 1963. Drive your partner wild with your tappin' terpsichorean twinkletoes, just like Santa does Mrs. Claus (where d'ya think elves come from?...)

MASSAGE/AROMATHERAPY

Nothing says Christmas like the gentle smell of essential massage oils wafting through the December air. Deanne Morgan knows how to relax stressed-out Venturans with her massaging ways. Although most sessions include aromatherapy with almond or citrus oil to enhance relaxation, she adds, "no massage is ever exactly the same. I try to cater to the specific needs of my client." She recommends a 1/2-hour introductory session for beginners, and a more comprehensive one-hour session combining Swedish and deep-tissue massage for those times you need to forget about neurotic Aunt Patsy, staying with you for the holidays.

HIGHWAY ADOPTION

Want your name seen by thousands of people every day? You could pull a Big Nasty, make someone's "most-wanted" list, and become part of our nation's postal system wall decor--but that's so much trouble. Better you just adopt your very own stretch of California asphalt. Caltrans will put up a sign with your name on it by your li'l slice o' freeway or state highway, announcing your environmental consciousness for SoCal wayfarers to admire on their daily journeys. You may choose your specific area of two-year volunteer responsibility: litter, graffiti, wildflowers, or seedlings. Al Sanchez, coordinator of the program, says there are many byways throughout Ventura County just waiting for your tender loving care, though the more-travelled routes may have a waiting list.

PERSONAL TRAINER

You think it's coincidence the office picks you to play Santa every year? One call to The Gym, and you can go from someone whose "belly shakes when he laughs like a bowlful of jelly," to a hardbody even the elves won't recognize. "It's important to go one-on-one with someone, and work together to establish a personal commitment," says Dan, one of their four personal trainers on staff. "Each program is tailored to the individual -- we start with a personal diagnosis, then go about designing a program that will get them to their target goal." Start today, and by next Christmas you'll squeeze down the narrowest of chimneys.

ACUPUNCTURE

Needle-ittle Christmas? Pin down Kirk Mann, who'll get you purring like a porcupine in minutes. "Acupuncture enhances circulation, increases energy, and harmonizes blood and chi [energy], to create balance and harmony in body and mind," Mann said. His introductory package includes a comprehensive medical history and oriental diagnosis, including acupressure & gentle acupuncture. When you've got more quills coming out of you than that Douglas fir decorating your holiday living room, you've also earned the season's most colorful nickname, "PorkyPine Butt."

HORSEBACK RIDING

Reindeer are just horses with antlers, right? If the sleigh has a flat somewhere over Norway on Christmas morning, you can be sure Santa's prepared to hop on Blitzen's back and complete his appointed rounds. Learn what Santa knows, by calling Symphony Dressage. Chemaine Greco, owner and trainer, has been teaching beginning and advanced equestrians for 15 years at Windwalker Ranch located just 10 minutes outside Camarillo. If you can't give a pony for Christmas, Symphony may be the next best thing.

TIME

The most important gift of all, and it's free. Pick a secluded spot for you and your lover to watch the planes land at Oxnard Airport. Take your children on a picnic at TK Park. Contemplate the sunset on Silver Strand Beach with your parents. Listen when people talk, and treat others with the respect and consideration they deserve. Christmas isn't about gifts, it's about people. That means you. And the love you bring to those around you, from Christmas '97 to Christmas '98, will define the spirit of the season, and the spirit of your life.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

SITE MAP      Back to WRITING