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You gotta know, Kelli McAllister's the world's biggest football fan.

Every year she roots for her favorite team, the Los Angeles Kings, to make it to the Super Bowl. She frets that the gridiron game has suffered since the introduction of the designated hitter. And whatever happened to famed Bills running back O.J. Simpson?

Okay, so maybe she's not the world's biggest fan ... she believes an "expansion" team is one that, for some reason, needs more room. A football--that's got two pointy ends, right?

But the Chinese New Year...whoa, don't get her started. On that she's an expert! Her family, the McAllisters, traces their ancestral origins all the way back to great-great-granddaddy Li McAllister, who helped build the Great Wall--specifically bricks 21,682,439 through 21,962,140. She herself was born in the year of the Red-Fluted Peckerhead.

Okay, perhaps she knows next-to-nothing about the Chinese New Year, either. Clean slate. Tabla blanca.

Thus, armed with the bliss that only comes from complete and ignominious ignorance, we invite you to join our intrepid cub reporter as she sets out to establish an ephemeral connection between that Uniquely-American Armaggedon known as the Super Bowl, and the long and reverent tradition more than 5000 years of Chinese culture brings to its celebration of the New Year. Along the way, we will encounter rabbits, Dolphins, rats, Lions, and enough animal nomenclature to make Noah proud. We will discuss weakside linebackers and happy monkeys. We will ponder the significance of the plum in the dumpling (but not the dump in the plumbing).

America and China--two proud and mighty nations, separated by the majestic Pacific, united by ... well, apparently nothing. Let's find out.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1998 - Playoff Week One

Thirty NFL teams, playing 16 games apiece, have brought us to this date, opening day of the post-season playoffs. Over the course of the regulation season's 240 games, strong men have wept at Caesar's Sports Bar to the melancholy strains of "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys." Millions of dollars have been lost over some groin pull on some second-string halfback (who was obviously only half as good in the first place as the fullback, and the quarterback, forget about it...)

On this first Saturday of the three-week playoff schedule, the Minnesota Vikings play the N.Y. Giants, and the Jacksonville Jaguars (the who?) play the Denver Broncos. The Vikings win their game, by a single point. Their opponents, the Giants, scurry back to Gotham and gloat in the fact that at least New York has far more museums than Minnesota, a point of particular pride for most football fans. The Broncos trounce the Jaguars, who would probably rather be in Jacksonville than Denver in the winter anyway.

Sunday's games pit the Miami Dolphins against the New England Patriots, and the Detroit Lions against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Patriots send Miami home to spend the new year with their Citrus State buddies from Jacksonville, while Tampa Bay slays the Lions, at last defending Florida's honor before the nation.

Quote of the week comes from Giant S. Percy Ellsworth, who in Pro Football Weekly commented after his team's loss, "This wasn't supposed to happen." Well, duh.

Let's take a moment to examine the 17-3 final score of the Patriots-Dolphins matchup. According to the Sunday, Dec. 28 morning newspaper, the Patriots were favored by five points. Now, realize nobody actually lays money on these games -- that's illegal in California, right? Of course. So, purely for entertainment purposes, does this mean that if the Patriots had won by, say, 17-13, the Dolphins would have won in Vegas? Is this like when soybean futures bottom out, but the cost of tofu stays the same at Von's? Is this some arbitary number bearing no relationship to our empirical universe? How can somebody else (certainly not you ... remember, illegal?) win a C-note on Fremont Street, betting on the Dolphins to win, when the Dolphins lose?

Just another football mystery? Stephen Hawking, where are you when we need you? Back to the playoffs ... at the end of Week One, four teams claim victory, poised to attack their new nemeses the following weekend. But four other teams get to move into Week Two without ever lacing up their Nike's. Apparently the Football God said, if you're too good, you win by not showing up. Cool deal, how d'ya get on one of those teams?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 2, 1998 - 26 Days to Chinese New Year

Twelve Chinese zodiac signs, each representing a different year in an age-old cosmic cycle, have brought us to this date and the impending Chinese New Year. Over the course of China's vast history, strong men have wept at struggling to tear open a fortune cookie without mangling the pithy prognostication within.

Tony Situ, an employee of Thousand Oaks' China Inn Restaurant, is asked if he knows the date of the Chinese New Year. He quickly points to a calendar on the wall, with Wednesday, January 28, in red. "That's it, the Chinese New Year," he happily explains. But why are January 29 and 39 also in red? We don't know, no reason. The New Year is January 28.

A three-day New Year? Could it be possible? Do their festive celebrations borrow a page from their American counterparts, with a corresponding three-day hangover? Clearly, more information is necessary.

As if anticipating our needs, the China Inn conveniently provides placemats with every meal describing the dozen Chinese zodiac signs. Now we're getting somewhere.

You were born in the year of the (pick one): Dragon (1940), Snake (1941), Horse (1942), Sheep (1943), Monkey (1944), Cock (1945), Dog (1946), Boar (1947), Rat (1948), Ox (1949), Tiger (1950), or Rabbit (1951). To find your year, skip forward or backward in multiples of twelve.

According to the placemat--a definitive source if ever there was one--"Many Chinese believe that the year of a person's birth is the primary factor in determining that person's personality traits, physical and mental attributes and degree of success and happiness throughout his lifetime."

Fair enough, but this all seems to raise more questions than answers. For example, is a horse happier than a monkey? How do you know? Whether or not they laugh at Seinfeld? And which animal is more "successful?" Clearly not the dragon--they're extinct. Rabbits seem pretty lucky, at least in love. Rats have lousy PR, but not a bad lifestyle when you get right down to it.

Once you figure out what year you really are, ask yourself what year you'd like to be. Women probably choose rabbits and horses, men perhaps tigers and dragons (insecure men choose cocks). Who's a rat? That is, besides your ex-lover? Do you know a "dog?" Other than your last blind date? Hmm, perhaps there's something to this zodiacal personality profile after all ...

Tony Situ is asked if he knows which teams remain in the NFL playoffs; he doesn't know. Joe Wong, seated nearby, answers correctly, thus bridging the cultural chasm between East and West, and in some small way making the world a better, more loving place for tomorrow's children. Ahhhh.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 4, 1998 - Playoff Week Two

The hundred or so fans in McGinty's Sports Bar in Oxnard are overwhelmingly male -- less than a dozen women -- and clearly rooting for Kansas City. The room explodes into jubilant cacophony at the touchdown pass from Grbac ("Vanna, I'd like to buy a vowel...") [...47,000th time that joke has been used this season] to Gonzalez late in the third quarter, replayed into infinity from different slow-mo angles on McGinty's 20 screens.

Jeff and Tim, two of the bar's playoff patrons, have decided to go interactive. They sit with two small devices resembling radio controllers units, and pick their best guess for the next play. Though linked in some arcane fashion to a national network, the local results are constantly updated on a TV monitor within just this local bar.

Jeff proudly takes the lead with his choice of a short broken-field pass play (you'd think someone would have made sure the field wasn't broken for the playoffs) to start the fourth quarter. Jeff's name leaps to the top of the list on the monitor, under his coaching pseudonym of Snappy or Slippery or one of those other lesser-known cast members from the original unedited first draft of Snow White and the 47 Dwarves. The pair patiently explain to a novice reporter that Tim's green "G" hat represents his loyalty to the Green Bay Packers, rather than the reporter's assumption of the N.Y. Giants. Oops.

The dust has settled by the time the day shift assembles around the water cooler on Monday morning, and in spite of local sports bar sentiments and Grbac's hearty TD fling, the Kansas City Chiefs lose to the Denver Broncos, 14-10. Elsewhere in the AFC, the New England Patriots surrender to the Pittsburgh Steelers, 7-6. Quote of the week comes from Steelers linebacker Levon Kirkland, who says of their low-scoring victory, "Maybe it was ugly, maybe it was boring to watch." NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue immediately taps PR-savvy Kirkland to be the official spokeman for the upcoming 1998 NFL season.

Over in the NFC, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers swashbuckle back to Florida with their 21-7 loss to the Green Bay Packers; and the Minnesota Vikings are pillaged (but not raped) by the San Francisco 49ers, 38-22.

The Vikings' loss can be partially attributed to their own unique version of Minnesota Three-Card Monty. According to news reports in the Sat., Jan. 3 morning paper, the Vikings shifted defensive tackle John Randle to right end in place of injured Derrick Alexander. Rookie Tony Williams took Randle's tackle spot. Meanwhile, Stan Colinet took over left end for injured Fernando Smith, and Ed McDaniel moved from weakside linebacker to start in place of injured Jeff Brady in the middle. Rookie Dwayne Rudd came in to take McDaniel's place at weakside linebacker. And rookie Torrian Gray started at free safety in place of injured Orlando Thomas.

Okay, where's the pea?

At one point late in the third quarter the now-thoroughly-confused Vikings hike the ball from their center to a startled third-string tailback sitting over on the bench, while the punt-return special team grabs the Gatorade tub and douses the opposing team's coach, in an outrageously premature and hopelessly misguided victory celebration. In short, it's a mess.

In football, as in life, the wise man follows the rule of "KISS"--Keep It Simple, Stupid. It's hard to ply astrophysics with 22 kinesthesiology majors, especially when "kinesthesia" is used in its traditional NCAA context as a euphemism for "Recruiting Violations." Four collegiate years of shoulder pads and a single class in comtemporary sociology, "Rock Music: From Led Zeppelin to the Grateful Dead," earns a GPA of 3.7 and a berth in the pros. Life is sweet when you're 6'8", 320 pounds, and congenitally cranky.

So entering Week Three, the final week of the playoffs, the 49ers are poised to battle the Packers for the NFC Conference title. Meanwhile in the AFC, the Broncos are bucking for the Steelers. In seven days only two teams will remain, setting our stage for the NFC vs. the AFC in Super Bowl XXXII. Aren't you just getting chills!

During all this, the gray suits over on Madison Avenue are snickering as they gear up for the real Super Bowl contest: who will win where it counts--the bottom line--with this year's best million-dollar commercial. And they're plotting how to get rid of all these annoying athletes, to clear more airtime for moving Doritos off 7-11 shelves nationwide.

The Bud Bowl. Only in America.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 11 - 17 days to Chinese New Year

The 200 or so parishioners at the Chinese Christian Church of Thousand Oaks for this Sunday's English-speaking service are a nice mix of men and women, young and old--and overwhelmingly Chinese. Who'da thought? The sanctuary explodes into joyous celebration as the band leads the congregation in its opening praise worship, its members following along with the lyrics shining from the screen of the overhead projector. The members of the congregation seem to have two immediate commonalities: a shared love for their Redeeming Savior, and little or no knowledge of the Chinese New Year.

A charming young lady, greeting visitors at the door to the sanctuary, explains that the Chinese New Year isn't a big deal in Ventura County, but suggests visiting Monterey Park to witness its full celebratory spectacle. She doesn't know the dates for either the New Year or this year's Super Bowl, but her husband impressively rattles off the names of all four remaining NFL playoff teams. He is less sure about the date of the Chinese New Year. Perhaps our cultural bridge is cracking?...

The greeter introduces another parishioner, Sandy Lieu, who introduces Luke Lieu, who promises to call later with more information on the subject. The pastor, Curtis Lowe, also promises to chat after the service.

After the service, a think tank of a half-dozen or so assembles pewside, in an impromptu attempt to mutually glean some information on what is apparently the most esoteric question since "What is air?" The Chinese New Year...hmm, isn't that the 27th? No, wait, I think it's the 28th. And it's the year of the ... Rat? Sheep? I know it's year 5000-something. Oh well, "A" for effort. Obviously the greeter was right, the Chinese New Year is a ceremony more frequently honored in its breach than its observance.

After each Sunday service, the congregation is provided with a delicious lunch at no charge, offering an opportunity to socialize in a casual, friendly setting. A pleasant parishioner, Ida Lee, comes to sit by this reporter. She explains the difference between the two main Chinese dialects: Mandarin, the predominant dialect since the rise of Communism, and Cantonese, which she speaks. She says there are several lesser dialects as well, and although all share a common written alphabet, each dialect when spoken is completely unintelligible to the others. Like Congressional Republicans trying to communicate with the Democrats, and vice-versa.

Later that day, Luke Lieu's wife Julie phones as promised, with confirmation of January 28th as the date, and 1998 as the Year of the Tiger. But what Chinese year is it, besides "5000-something?" She'd get back with that information. She says they celebrate in Monterey Park, and suggests visiting there.

A nicer group one could never meet, than the warm, loving folks at the Thousand Oaks Chinese Christian Church. A delightful lunch, a moving service, leaving one refreshed in body and spirit. But not much closer to discovering the customs and traditions of the Chinese New Year. Too bad we're not in Monterey Park.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 11 - Playoff Week Three

At the wire; the penultimate battles; Custer's Last Stand. The Broncos play the Steelers for the AFC title; the 49ers battle the Packers for the NFC title. Two teams stand; two teams fall. Someone wins; someone loses. Certain proud few may claim victory; others ... okay, enough with the Rocky motif!

Clearly, Rookies Sports Bar in Agoura Hills is among the winners on this overcast Sunday afternoon. The patio is packed; the dining room is jammed; the bar's as claustrophobic as a square dance on a submarine. One imagines the county's sports bars conspiring to establish an NFL season consisting of two regulation games, and 17 weeks of playoffs.

Directly by the patio railing sits a gentleman with a big cheese on his head. Normally, a fellow sitting at a local bar with a plastic slab o' swiss for headgear would be cause for alarm. Today, however, the fellow is quickly identified as a Packers fan (get it? Green Bay, Wisconsin, the Cheese State...) and life proceeds nicely around his picturesque fromage chapeau.

Earlier today, the Broncos, this year's Most Likely Candidates for the Cinderella Team Trophy, bested the Pittsburgh Steelers before the Steelers' home crowd. Quote of the week comes from Denver coach Mike Shanahan, who says of his quarterback John Elway, "To play at the level he plays at his age is something else." Hmm, kind of a back-handed compliment, like the dance company's choreographer saying of their prima ballerina, "Sure, she's a pretty good dancer, for 295 pounds and a prosthetic hip."

Indeed, Elway's age is the source of considerable post-game discussion, so much that one might mistake his actual name to be "37-year-old-quarterback-John-Elway." One article mentions Elway "in the twilight of his football life." How tragic, over the hill and still well on the soft underbelly of 40.

This is the argument often made in favor of $8 million salaries: "Yes, it's a lot of money, but they could have only have one, maybe two good years." Ahem...most of us could be happy with one good month, for a juicy $8 mil a year!

In the second game of the day, the Green Bay Packers defeat the 49ers. Packers coach Mike Holmgren's post-game comment, "I hope now that we're recognized as the Green Bay Packers," is especially ironic in light of this reporter's previous misidentification of a Green Bay hat as representing the New York Giants. Oops again. Sorry, Mike.

The most interesting feature of the second game, whose outcome was never in serious doubt, may have been the Dockers Khakis Halftime Report. Thirty minutes in, and not a single person clad in khaki Dockers, except for some dweeb in a commercial who was paid to wear them. How can it be the Dockers Khaki Halftime Report, when no one is wearing khaki Dockers? Just another football mystery?

So both teams are now set, and we look to Super Bowl XXXII for answers to the following questions: (1) Why is quarterback Brett Favre's name pronounced "Farv?" And (2) how much does an Elway?

MONDAY, JANUARY 12 - 17 Days to Chinese New Year

Pay dirt. Joseph Hsiou, president of the Conejo Chinese Cultural Association, is explaining the customs and meaning of the Chinese New Year with an authority and authenticity rarely seen in our smoke-'n-mirrors MTV era. It turns out, it wasn't the answers that were lacking; it was the questions that were wrong.

The Chinese calendar is based on the lunar, not the solar year. Thus the actual date of New Year's Day keeps changing. Last year it was February 7; this year it's January 28. Also, because it's dependent on the lunar year, it's charted in Base Twelve, not Base Ten. So not only is the specific numeric year irrelevant, there is another real advantage as well: your age doesn't matter! All that matters is where you fit in the cosmic cycle. Feeling a little long in the tooth? How is that possible, when you're only in your fifth cycle? God bless the Chinese.

The fundamental purpose of the Chinese calendar and the ancient traditions, according to Mr. Hsiou, is to preserve man's harmonious interaction with nature and his environment. "Don't force nature to give us too much; otherwise, you have to pay back," he advises.

The specific customs associated with the New Year celebration are designed to reinforce that sense of harmony between man and nature, acknowledging the mysterious forces that connect us to one another, and to our destinies on this planet.

The Chinese New Year is actually fifteen days long. The first day--January 13 this year--is sometimes referred to as "Little New Year," and special food is prepared on this day. In ancient times the whole family was often farming, and it took a long while to prepare some of the feasts that are a part of the ongoing celebration. By starting two weeks early, plenty of time was allowed for the requisite preparation.

Every day of the New Year cycle brings its own traditions to the table, both figuratively and literally, but it all culminates on New Year's Eve. Not only does the whole family stay awake to ring in the new year, but New Year's Eve dinner is particularly special. Each dish carries a unique meaning: good fortune, good health, etc. Fish, for example, means "extra, more to come." The family prepares a whole fish; it must be half-cooked, then brought to the table untouched. It can't be eaten for four days, so it's placed in the refrigerator until, in this case, February 1. The ritual of the fish helps to ensure a plentiful, bountiful year.

Even the shape of the food acquires significance. "The entire family must gather to make dumplings shaped like gold nuggets, with round tops and triangle bottoms," said Mr. Hsiou. "Then we put a small red plum inside, which stands for good luck. Whoever touches the dumpling will get extra money." (Special "Lottery Dumplings" will be available in the lobby at the conclusion of this article.)

Similar to our 4th of July, a long string of firecrackers is lit precisely at midnight on New Year's Eve, intended to scare away all the bad things of the previous year ("back, you bad transmission failure!")

A good strand of firecrackers, one which explodes down its entire length, forebodes a good and prosperous year. If your "snap-crackle-pop" poops out after "snap" and "crackle," you might want to go back to bed till late December.

As with most areas of our lives where new technology has afforded so many time-saving advantages--only a handful of the faithful still take the time to preserve the traditions and meaning of this ancient heritage. In this upcoming Year of the Tiger, we could do worse than to reacquaint ourselves with the holistic connections to Nature, created and nurtured by the Chinese New Year.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 22 - Three Days to Super Bowl XXXII; Six Days to Chinese New Year

Elway and egg rolls. Third-down conversions and twelve-year cycles. What have we learned?

The Super Bowl is about being Number One. The Chinese zodiac tells us numeric specifics don't matter. A gridiron sage once claimed, "Football is a game of inches." An ancient Chinese proverb reads, "A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step."

Perhaps the meaning is, as Buddha himself might say, there is no meaning. For one week in January, one team becomes NFL champions and its players get big fancy rings. And we all get another year older, as we enter the Year of the Tiger.

Either way, tomorrow awaits. For the 28 NFL teams not in Super Bowl XXXII, there's always next season. And after the Year of the Tiger, comes the Year of the Rabbit. Above it all, we're every one of us, from football players to Chinese scholars, a couple breaths closer to the millenium.

Gung hay fat choy.

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