A Woman's World
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
-Jan King
A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!"
-Linda Ellerbee
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.
-Geri Jewell
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Brombeck
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine Aird
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss...and they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley
Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee.
-Stephanie Piro
Behind every successful woman.... is a basket of dirty laundry.
-Sally Forth
"On the one hand, we men will never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
- Bruce Willis
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
- George Burns
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'"
- Sandra Bullock
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
-Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships."
- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
- Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
- Tiger Woods
"I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23% who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
- Axl Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
- Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b----."
- Jack Nicholson