1. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. They think the world revolves around them.
35. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb??
None. They only screw in cars.
9. How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
She opens the car door.
5. Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
More head room!
2. Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
6. Why don't blondes eat pickles?
Because they get their heads stuck in the jar.
Because the jars have lids, not zippers.
7. Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.
8. What do blondes say after making love?
"Are you boys all on the same team?"
10. What do blondes and turtles have in common?
Once on their back, they're screwed.
15. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
58. What do a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
They both have black boxes.
4. What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
11. What's the mating call of a blonde?
"I think I'm drunk!"
12. What's the mating call of a brunette?
"Has the blonde gone home yet?"
14. Why does the blonde have T.G.I.F. written on her tennis shoes?
Toes Go In First
16. How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
Blow in her ear.
17. How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
18. What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?
A brain tumor.
19. What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in a handicapped zone.
20. How do you make a blonde laugh on a Monday morning?
Tell her the joke on Friday afternoon.
21. If a blonde and a brunette jumped off a 20-story building at the same time, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde would stop and ask for directions.
22. How can you tell that a blonde's having a bad day?
She has a tampon behind her ear, and she doesn't know what she did with her pencil.
24. How can you tell if a blonde owns a vibrator?
Chipped teeth.
25. Why did the blonde have square breasts?
She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
26. How can you tell that a blonde's been using your computer?
There's White-out all over the screen.
27. Why do blondes have so much free time?
Because so little is expected of them.
29. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Three. One to mix the batter, two to peel the M&Ms.
30. How do you drive a blonde insane?
Ask her to alphabetize your M&Ms.
74. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away all of the W's.
31. How do you keep a blonde baby amused?
Give her a mirror and some makeup.
32. What do you call a blonde wearing a brunette wig?
Artificial intelligence.
33. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on top of her head?
"All you can eat for under a buck."
36. What's the difference between a blonde and a Ferrari?
You can usually find a guy who hasn't been in a Ferrari.
37. What do you call three blondes standing shoulder to shoulder, ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
38. What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
She goes home.
39. Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than a horse?
So when they're waving in a parade, they won't crap in the street.
40. How do you tell if a bleached blonde did your landscaping?
The bush in front is a different color than the other foliage.
41. What did the blonde have tattooed on her inner thigh?
"Welcome home, troops of Desert Storm."
42. What's the similarity between a blonde and a plate of Jello?
They both quiver when you eat them.
44. How does a blonde know that she's slept with an elephant?
a. The smell of peanuts on his breath
b. She's pregnant for 23 months
c. The big 'E' on his pajamas.
45. What's the best way to murder a blonde?
Put a mirror on the bottom of the swimming pool.
48. Did you hear about the blonde that liked younger men?
She started sleeping with Cub Scouts, but her doctor made her quit when she got up to three Packs a day.
52. What do you call fifteen blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.
56. Why is it so hard to teach a blonde to drive?
a. They keep getting in the back seat
b. They think the steering wheel's a clothes rack.
59. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
61. Two blondes were walking along and came to some tracks. One blonde
said, "Those look like deer tracks" and the other said, "No, they
look like moose tracks."
They were both still arguing when the train hit them.
62. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.
63. What do you call a group of blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.
64. What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot.
66. What do you call a blonde with an I.Q. of 190?
A crowd.
67. Why don't blondes wear hooped earrings?
Because they get their heels caught in them.
68. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A brick won't follow you around after you lay it.
69. What do a blonde and a computer have in common?
You don't really appreciate them until they go down.
70. Did you hear about the blonde that was driving from New York to
California, who kept seeing the sign "Clean Rest Rooms Ahead"?
It took her three weeks to get there.
71. Did you hear about the blonde going to California?
She saw a sign that said, "CALIFORNIA LEFT", so she went home.
72. What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever.
73. Why don't blondes become pharmacists?
They can't figure out how to get that little bottle in the typewriter.
75. Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
They don't know the recipe.
76. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
77. Why was the blonde grabbing at the air?
She was trying to collect her thoughts.
78. Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get hearing aids.
79. What is the difference between an intelligent blonde and Sasquatch?
Sasquatch has been sighted.
81. Why did the blonde die when she was smoking on the freeway?
She threw the wrong butt out the window.
82. Two blondes were driving along, when one blonde asked the other to check and see if her turn signal was working.
The other blonde replied, "It is, it isn't, it is, it isn't, it is, it isn't ..."
83. Why did the blonde keep driving around the block?
Her turn signal was stuck.
84. What do blondes like that is six inches long and has a head on it?
A hundred dollar bill.
85. Did you hear about the blonde and the jigsaw puzzle?
She was so proud of herself ... it only took her two months to finish it, and the box said 2 to 3 years.
86. How do you get a blonde on the roof?
Tell her drinks are on the house.
87. What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.
89. How do blondes get holes in their forehead?
Learning to eat with a fork.
90. How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.?
With a tire gauge.
91. What goes "VROOM-SCREECH, VROOM-SCREECH"?
A blonde driving through a red flashing light.
92. What did the blonde yell in an emergency?
"What's the number of 911?"
93. Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips.
94. Did you hear about the depressed blonde at the license bureau?
She was upset because she got an "F" in sex.
95. What do you call 25 blondes on top of each other?
An air mattress.
96. A brunette says, "Look. there's a dead bird."
The blonde looks up and asks, "Where?"
97. Why do blondes wear ponytails?
To hide the valve stem.
98. Why don't you let blondes take coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
99. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
She gets the Pop-Tart out of the toaster in one piece.