1)  You have to believe that the nation's recent, & mournfully-missed 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan & George Bush, but yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault. 2)  You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own. 3)  You have to be against government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time. 4)  You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, yet you want gov't to ban same-sex marriages & determine what your official language should be. 5)  You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit or there is the potential for a tax break for doing it. 6)  You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha. 7)  You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins. 8)  You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multinational corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever. 9)  You believe Jesus loves you, & by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of people with AIDS, homosexuals, & President Clinton. 10)  You have to believe that society is colorblind & growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes. 11)  You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives. 12)  You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is  bad but a waiting period  for an abortion is good because we all know how "pro-life" guns are. Besides, everyone knows quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.   13)  You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex. 14)  You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution. 15)  You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, & that Europe doesn't exist. 16)  You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate & that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away. 17)  You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex & violence, is good reading. 18)  You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, & tobacco. 19)  You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5,000 years & that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own & the poor don't need any. 20)  You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old-growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests & the extinction of the several species of plants & animals therein. 21)  You have to believe that we should forgive & pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, & Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that bastard Clinton should have been convicted. 22)  You have to believe that 50,456,169 is more than 50,996,116. 23)  You have to believe that having a mandate is defined as losing the popular vote. 24)  You have to believe a woman should be a pretty & in her place, unless she is a rightwing spokesperson or radio advice show hostess, in which case she should be a petty & in your face. 25)  You have to believe that even though you attack scientists & the intellectual elite as godless, & try to prevent their discoveries & theories from being discussed in the public schools, you should take advantage of their labors to extend your life & improve its quality. 26)  You have to believe that parents are no longer capable of moral instructions & that only the government can accomplish this through the V-Chip, prayer in school, internet filters, record/CD ratings & book banning. 27)  You have to believe that giving 3% of the population 85% of the tax dollars cut is a benefit to everyone. 28)  You have to believe that Jesus Christ being born from a virgin, never getting married, hanging around 12 men (also known as "disciples"), never having sex with a woman & never saying one word about homosexuality is evidence enough that homosexuality is evil. 29) You have to believe the creation of the largest federal agency in US history is evidence of a smaller, decentralized government. 30) You have to believe in federal entitlements for religious instruction, unless you believe in Buddah, Allah or Satan.

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