What I Really Meant To Say

 

Prologue:

This short story takes place in the future. It has been seven years since Jason and Carly saw one another. They have had no contact at all, not even a phone conversation. She did sleep with Sonny and Jason did leave, much like on the show.  The only difference is that she never got pregnant and she never married Sonny. On the contrary, once she found out that Jason left and she didn’t know where he had gone, she packed her bags and left Port Charles with Michael on a new crusade.  She came to accept that her sleeping with Sonny sent Jason over the edge and that she was going to have to finally live the rest of her life without him. She had lost him and now she had to pay the price of her error in judgment.  It was this disaster that finally made her mature into an adult. She learned from this error and she wasn’t going to go back to her schemes or plans. They only got her in trouble. She would ask for help from now on.  Jason wouldn’t be the one to help her but she hoped that somewhere down the line she would find at least someone else to confide in.  She didn’t want to go through life with no friends.

 

Then after months of crying herself to sleep every night she moved on with her life, for Michael’s sake as well as her own. She ended up in Chicago. She wanted to start anew, far away from Port Charles and far away from Miami.  She needed a clean slate and Chicago was good a place as any. She knew no one there and nobody knew her past. She was safe.

 

Carly abandoned AJ but not before withdrawing several million dollars from their account, the only smart thing she had done in a while. The other idea she had, had worked as well. Luke had managed to get her out of Port Charles and gave her a new name and identity to access her money as well as for Michael, when he came of age, so AJ couldn’t track them down or their money. They had succeeded thus far. Carly knew that AJ would not look for her, he would only look for his money. She was safe in other areas. 

 

It would be fairly easy to find them any other way, just because Carly refused to change Michael’s name or hers. Michael deserved to know where he came from and who loved him, except AJ and if she was being selfish, she really didn’t care. And the other reason she didn’t change their names was deep down inside she hoped that one day Jason would come looking for her. He never did and eventually she gave up on that dream but realized that it was important for Michael to know where he came from and she wasn’t going to live a lie. She did that for many years and it was going to end.

 

 As for Jason Morgan he had spent several years traveling all around the world trying to see what his brain wouldn’t let him understand in pictures.  He never stopped loving Carly or missing her but he had never made any attempt to contact her or to see how she was doing.  As far as he knew she was still married to AJ and miserable.  But was it his problem?  No … or at least that is what he told himself every day when he woke up.  She wasn’t his to have and she would never be.  His heart ached for her and he wanted to help her, just like he always did. He felt in his heart in the beginning that she was hurting but there was nothing he could do. She had finally done the unthinkable. She had made him road kill and he had nothing left to give her.  He had warned her that if he fell in love with her and he let himself feel deeply for her they would both regret it. It had been true, she had wrecked him and now they were both paying the price.

 

 

2007

Chicago, Illinois

 

“Michael!” Carly yelled.  “Your going to be late for school and I don’t want to have to explain to your teacher that you were late cause you were playing Play Station way to late last night.”

 

“Aw mom.” Michael teased as he came running down the stairs. “They can never accuse you of being a neglectful mother although it is your duty to put me to bed by nine.”

 

Carly laughed. “Neglectful mother!” She exclaimed. “I give you three meals a day and I read to you at night, well I read to you at night until you told me to stop. What more do you want from me?” she joked.

 

“Do my homework.” He replied, as he put his leather jacket on.  And still read to me even if I say no.

 

Without even wanting to he resembled Jason in every way. He barely remembered him, but at times when they talked about him, Michael would say that he had vague memories, sometimes he felt they were real other times he felt that it was Carly’s memories that pulled him through and that made him conscious about his so-called father.

 

He had a picture of Jason in his room on his motorcycle, with his leather jacket and sunglasses on. He had laughed when his mom told him she had taken it when Jason wasn’t looking and that she wanted him to have it, so he could remember him because he had loved him and still did. He sometimes wondered about that. Funny thing was that whenever he felt resentment grow towards Jason, Carly would stop him and tell him that she had the blame in him not being with them and if he wanted to hate someone, to hate her.

 

How could he hate her? She was all that he had and if anyone dared to hurt her in any way, he would be willing to kill. If his mother had fucked up with Jason and he couldn’t forgive her the way he saw it, it was his loss.

 

He knew that his mother still loved him and that was okay cause no other man she had dated had been a serious threat to him.  He didn’t want anyone there but him and his mom.  They were happy that way and he wanted it to stay that way and it would be as long as she kept Jason in her heart.  It was selfish of him but he didn’t realize it.  He just wanted his mom all to himself. Jason wasn’t coming back even his mom had given up hope on that count.

 

Carly knew what her son was feeling in regards to having someone to share their life but never gave it a second thought. She had no intention of ever finding love, and as long as Michael was with her and loved her, she would be happy and deal. The guys that she did date, which were few had never even filled her up as Jason had. She had learned the hard way that there was only one man that she would love and that was Jason. If she couldn’t have him then she was destined to be with no one.

 

“Okay you ready?” she asked as she saw him by the door with book bag in hand and his hand on the knob. 

 

“Mom, yes I’ve been ready, lets go.” He said, as he waved his hand for her to hurry up.

 

She smiled and said, “Listen mister man, don’t make me get nasty with you. Cause I’ll make you pay, you know I will. I won’t feed you that’s what I’ll do and … ”

 

“Sorry mom I know you can beat me at any mind game. You’re the expert.” He said honestly, interrupting her.  He went over and kissed her cheek. “I love you anyway.”

 

“I love you.” She said, as she shooed him out the door.  “And you’re getting better yourself. You have learned from the master though.” She winked at him slyly.

 

 

Chicago O’Hare International Airport

 

“Have a good day sir.” The flight attendant called out to the handsome man that was exiting the plane.  She had never been so glad to tend to anyone than she had him. He was so quiet and so detached from everything and everyone it seemed and yet you wanted to reach out and just touch him. His eyes reflected a sadness that could be detected a mile away. He was a loner but somehow she knew that was how he wanted to be.

 

Of course her first instinct had been to see his left ring finger, and it was bare. Not that it mattered at this day and age but still it kind of eased the feeling of guilt that had consumed her as soon as she saw him. But God was he good looking and his body was to die for. He was utter perfection. She wondered if anyone had claimed him and if they did if that was the reason why he looked so sad. Maybe he had been heart broken and never fully recuperated.

 

“Thanks.” Jason muttered as he turned to look at her.  He began to walk down the enormous hall and was instantly aware of all the mobility that was zooming all around him. He had just come back from Paris and it didn’t even compare to the rush that was here. Why he had decided Chicago he would never know. It was something that had called out to him. He didn’t understand it he just had gone with it.  He was looking at a magazine, saw the Sears Tower and said I’m going there.

 

His thoughts reverted back to Paris. One day he was looking over at the Eiffel Tower and smiled. Like always he had thought of Michael and how he would love to show him in person what he had read to him when he was a baby. Michael would be almost ten years old. So many years had passed and still his heart would ache at the thought of him and how much he had missed out of his life.  Which always brought him back to Carly and thinking of her. She was so beautiful, would she have changed much? Or would she still look the same?  Was she still with AJ? Or did she get out?  Was she still in love with him or did she forget him all together?  Did he enter into her thoughts at all?  He was consumed by thoughts of her day and night.  He tortured himself and he wanted to stop but he couldn’t, he always thought of her and he still loved her so much.

 

So many times he had wanted to call Benny and ask him what was going on with her but he had stopped himself.  Not because he didn’t want to know but of what it would do to him if he knew. She had been everything to him and they had both blown it.  He now was willing to accept some of the responsibility but would it make a difference? Probably not. They were not the same people anymore.

 

Then all of a sudden he got up from his chair and decided it was time to leave and move on to a new place. To get to know a new city and he knew that it was time to go back to the States.  Chicago. He would go to Chicago, is what he had thought and what he did was got his backpack from the hotel room and headed straight for the airport to head out to Chicago.

 

Now his thoughts shifted to the last time that he saw Robin.  He had seen her once in Paris and he thought it odd that she knew he was there. Later he had realized that Robin called the Quartermaines and they had blurted out where he was. That was why he had decided not to stay in Paris, but somehow the Quartermaines found out of his stance in Paris and when she called of course they let Robin know.  Like if she would make a difference in his life.

 

She called him so they could meet and he did not say no but the desire to see her was not there.  He was actually not even surprised that he felt nothing for her. It had been so long since he ever thought of her and the love that he once felt for her just disappeared and it should have; because he had found out that aside from a friendly type of love, what he felt was gratitude, nothing more; nothing less.

 

Plain and simple, he loved her as an instrumental teacher. She taught him things in the beginning but that was the extent of it. It went no further than that.  He loved that she taught him how to be sensitive to other people’s needs and how to act accordingly in the beginning.

 

After that he learned on his own but the most valuable lesson in love he had learned from Carly. The hardest way imaginable but she was the one that he loved. And he found that he didn’t regret loving her. Even though it hurt him to the core and even though he felt so much more pain at losing her than losing Robin he still would not take any of their time back.  It was his and hers and no one, not even themselves had the power to take it away.  It was there, constant and all consuming.

 

The meeting with Robin had been tense and horrible, him not talking and barely answering her questions.  He had stormed out of the restaurant not even saying goodbye when she mentioned Carly and how she betrayed him and how she knew that she was a slut and that she deserved his wrath and hatred.  He was not going to get into this with her. What he felt or didn’t feel for Carly was his business, it had always only been his business and she was nobody to question him. He didn’t realize that, that had been the main problem with them, him not telling her or anyone what he felt. Jason had just nodded his head and did not even bother to argue any point with her because it would be pointless, so instead of getting even more pissed off at her he merely walked out telling her not to bother to call him again, it was done and over with, it had been and he wanted nothing to do with her.  He was done!

 

Coming out of the airport doors, and stopping his train of thought he hailed a taxi cab and told him to take him to a hotel in downtown. 

 

 

Carly smiled at the receptionist as she handed her, her messages.  “Thank you.”

 

She walked into her offices and looked out the window at the beautiful view that she had from her office.  She had gotten a consultant job as an interior adviser for hotels and condos downtown.  It had been a stroke of luck. One night at a parent meeting she met an interesting woman and they started talking. She had found out that she had her own business and that she was an interior decorator. Carly just mentioned her love for decorating and she had offered her a job. That had been six years ago and now she was co-owner and she loved it.  She had gone to several classes and she had learned a lot and Barbara had realized her potential.   Thank God for small miracles. This job was the only good thing that had happened in a long time for Carly.

 

“Carly.” Barbara walked in. “I need for you to send someone to check out the Drake Hotel. We might have a future job there.”

 

“I’ll go.” Carly said.

 

“You’re co-owner now.  You don’t have to do that, you make executive decisions.” She smiled, as she tapped her shoulder.

 

“I know.” Carly said. “But The Drake is my favorite hotel and I would be more than glad to go and assess, then I’ll have someone do the petty little details.” She didn’t tell Barb how suddenly when she mentioned The Drake Hotel she felt a certain pull in her subconscious telling her to go. The only time she felt that pull was when she was with Jason … How weird!

 

“Okay they expect someone there in an hour.” Barb added.

 

“Okay.” She said, as she got up. “I’ll drive over there.”

 

“See you later.” Barb said as she saw her walk out of the office.  She sure was glad to have her on board.

 

 

Jason walked into The Drake hotel hoping to find a room. He had luck, there had been a cancellation and they offered him that room.  He had said yes immediately and went to take a shower.  The receptionist had told them that they normally didn’t do walk-ins but that she would make an exception in his case. Jason had just smiled, thanked her again and walked to the elevators. 

 

He still had no idea that with his looks only he could get any girl to do just about anything that he asked.  It was his charm. In so many ways he was still untouchable and unattainable, yet so desirable. 

 

 

Carly walked into The Drake hotel smiling, “Hi. I’m here to see Greg.”

 

“Do you have an appointment?”

 

“Yes. Carly Roberts.”

 

“Oh yes.  One moment.”

 

Carly was escorted into his office and extended her hand to him. “Nice to meet you.”

 

“Likewise Ms. Roberts I have heard so much about your business and you especially that I’m glad that you came.  I can go and show you the area that I want to remodel and maybe you can give me some type of preliminary draft as to what you want to do with the place.”

 

“I’d love to.” She said, as she smiled and wrapped her arm around his when he gallantly offered it.

 

They walked down the hallway and made their way to the lobby area.  “This is where I want to start, I don’t want to change the structure, I just want to change the furniture, the art, well you know.” He said, letting her know that he didn’t know much about this arena and she smiled sympathetically.

 

“You just want a face lift.” She responded. “Don’t worry; if we’re good to go, I can work on looking for art for the walls and a few other things as well as look for furniture that would suit your needs.”

 

“That sounds wonderful.” He said, excited to have this project out of his hands. “Please if you can set up an appointment with my business manager and discuss finances with him I would appreciate it or would you like my secretary to call?”

 

“No I’ll do it.” Carly said.  “Don’t bother her I’m sure that she is extremely busy anyway.”

 

“If you don’t mind.” Greg started, looking at his watch, failing miserably in trying to appear nonchalant and if he weren’t in a hurry.

 

Carly smiled and totally understood him. “I don’t want to take anymore of your time but I would like to stay a couple more minutes just to get some more ideas alone…” she emphasized, “if you don’t mind.” She finished.

 

“Please be my guest.  I’ll have someone bring you a coffee?” he offered.

 

“That sounds wonderful, thank you.” She finished, and automatically gave him her back so he could go on with his routine. 

 

 

Jason keyed the elevator button to go downstairs to the lobby. After taking his shower he had changed and did not know if he wanted to just go and take a walk or relax. He decided to go down to the lobby and maybe head out for a couple of blocks and just take in the city. He couldn’t read maps or figure out pictures but he enjoyed the sights, it was truly the only way he could appreciate the beauty of anything.

 

He didn’t mind being alone. In fact for the past seven years he rarely had any contact with anyone.  No one from Port Charles knew where he was except the Quartermaine’s and that was because they followed him or maybe overheard one of his conversations with Emily.  It had to have been when he was talking to Emily because he would have known if someone was following him. 

 

He had met several people along the way and had some fun with some guys that either guarded him when the need arose or worked for him or with him.  He didn’t completely let go of the business. His relationship with Sonny was strained and after a while it was just business and nothing else was discussed between them. Sonny had given up trying to reason with him and he was happy when that happened. If they talked about the monthly reports it was more than they would have ever talked if he decided to completely leave the coffee business or the organization.  Most of his dealings had to do with outside US organizations, so it had been years since he was back here.  He realized that in some ways he had missed it. He didn’t even know it until now. 

 

He walked into the lobby area and started to scan the room. He slightly nodded his head at the people that were getting into the elevator.  He found himself right in the middle of the lobby area and stopped. What made him stop?  He turned around and started scanning the room. It wasn’t an instinct that told him he was in danger. It was more of a gut feeling. He knew that something was amiss and he wondered what it could be. He felt his stomach churn and he grimaced slightly.  The only time he got like this was when he was near Carly. It was both annoying and difficult to ignore at the same time. He hadn’t felt this way in seven years.

 

Carly smiled at the girl that brought her the coffee. “Thank you.” She said, as she was looking at a painting in the corner of the lobby area.

 

“You’re outfit is to die for.” She offered. “And it looks great on you.”

 

“Why thank you.” Carly said, as she laughed. “My son hates it actually.”

 

Then he heard it. There it was, her laugh. Was he going insane? How could all of a sudden after blocking out the sound of her voice, her laugh and her smell could he distinctly hear her.  He turned around and if it weren’t for years of maintaining a stoic face or of having an unimaginable sense of self-control he would have screamed out her name.

 

He looked at her and couldn’t move. He couldn’t even breathe. She hadn’t changed at all. Her hair was still long and curly at the ends. She still had a body to die for. She still was a sight to see. She still managed to take his breath away.  His body became instantly aware of her proximity and he could feel the heat enter his body. She still had that effect on him, but why would it be different?  She always was the one thing that he couldn’t control.  She always was the one person that managed to send him in a tailspin and managed to leave him that way for years. 

 

He didn’t know what to do. She hadn’t seen him yet and he was in a dilemma. Should he make his presence known? But above all what was she doing in Chicago? Why wasn’t she back in Port Charles?

 

Carly felt a shiver go up her spine and she automatically tensed up. She had not had that sensation in so many years. The only person that put her skin on end was Jason and he wasn’t anywhere around, was he?  She couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was reeling a hole into her back. She excused herself and turned around actually expecting to see Jason there with all these emotions that were coursing through her body.  How stupid was that?  He was God knows where doing God knows what and with God knows who.

 

And then she saw him, in the flesh. It was Jason. She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry, so wanted to do so many things at one time that it was crazy. But all she managed to do was drop her coffee.  She didn’t even realize it. Jason didn’t either. All he did was look into her eyes. For seven years those had been the eyes that had eluded him everywhere but in his sleep. He dreamed of her almost every night and he woke up with an ache that wouldn’t go away in the day and that remained at night as he fell asleep.

 

It took me by surprise

When I saw you standing there

Close enough to touch

Breathing the same air

 

As if on instinct alone, he approached her. What would he say to her? What could they possibly say to each other after so long? He didn’t care all he knew was that the impulse to get near her was more than the impulse to run away from her, but then again when he did listen to his heart telling him to run as hard and as fast as he could from her, he suffered like he never had before.

 

“Hey.” He found himself saying, when he was right in front of her.

 

Carly just looked at him and said nothing. Her tongue felt thick and dry and part of her wanted to flee and part of her, the part that still loved him, wanted to stay there and take him in. She had missed him so much.  He had been her everything forever and she had never really had him. How can you love someone so much and not be able to tell them every night how lucky you are to have found someone as wonderful as them.

 

“How are you?” he asked, trying to see if he could get a word out. He had said hey and he knew that she heard but she was so quiet. Not like the Carly that he remembered always talking and giving him a headache.  She was certainly not the same person not that he expected her to be if he ever saw her again. The thought of him seeing her again was not something he considered a ‘maybe’ he knew that one day he would finally get the courage and seek her out.  Maybe from afar, maybe her not seeing him but he would have died before ever saying or believing that he wouldn’t be able to see her beautiful face at least one more time.

 

You asked me how I’d been

I guess that’s when I smiled and said just fine

Oh, but baby, I was lying

 

“Good.” She finally answered not really knowing what else to say. She still was in a state of shock because here he was right in front of her and she didn’t even seek him out. Out of the blue and in a city that they were strangers to, at least as a couple, and yet here they were, in the middle of The Drake hotel standing face to face without any words of love or at least of friendship between them. They couldn’t even mutter out hellos’.

 

What I really meant to say

Is I’m dying here inside

And I miss you more each day

 

“How about you?” she finally muttered out.

 

There’s not a night I haven’t cried

And baby here’s the truth

I’m still in love with you

 

“Good.” Jason replied, staring intently at her wanting her to just fling into his arms so he could at least touch her and prove that this moment was real and that it wasn’t a dream.

 

And that’s what I really meant to say

 

Carly reacted suddenly and ran a hand over her hair. “Wow. This is really bad.” She honestly said.

 

Jason nodded. “What are you doing here?” trying to get out of the awkward situation that they were in and trying to understand what had been going on with her life.  He wanted to know everything now.

 

“I live here Jason. Have for seven years.” She remarked. “But I guess you wouldn’t of known huh?” she said sarcastically.

 

His impulse to roll his eyes at her remark was barely contained and instead asked, “You moved here seven years ago?” he asked confused. Was she still married to AJ?  To someone else? Where was Michael?

 

“Yeah.” She said, tears springing to her eyes. “Listen I got to go.” She said, abruptly suddenly feeling drained at his sudden reappearance. She couldn’t do this, not right now, not ever if she had anything to say about it.

 

And as you walked away

The echo of my words

Cut just like a knife

Cut so deep it hurt

I held back the tears

Held on to my pride and watched you go

I wonder if you’ll ever know

 

He saw her walk away hurriedly and his first instinct was to go after her. They couldn’t leave it like this. After all they had been through, after all that he had been to her, after all she had been to him. How could he just let her walk away again?  He started after her and then stopped.  He should just let her go.  There was nothing left for them and this encounter proved it.

 

What I really meant to say

Is I’m really not that strong

No matter how I try

I’m still holding on

And here’s the honest truth

I’m still in love with you

And that’s what I really meant to say

 

“Sorry.” The girl called out as she hit Jason’s leg cleaning up the coffee that Carly had dropped. He paid no attention to her; he only had one goal in mind.

 

Jason went up to the counter. “The woman that was just here, where can I find her?” he said, intent on not letting this rest. This was insane. In the span of two seconds he had let her go and now he wanted her back. He was in Carly mode. If this girl wasn’t in front of him he would of laughed at himself.  It took her all of three seconds to drive him crazy. He stilled loved her so much and she still drove him crazy.

 

“I’m sorry sir but I can’t tell you that.”

 

“I know her. Her name is Carly Roberts.” He hoped that she still had the same last name. “We were very close.” He said.

 

“I’m sorry.” She re-iterated.

 

“Will she be coming back?” he asked. She can at least tell me that.

 

“Sir.” She started, but as she looked at his eyes something stopped her. He was sincere, he was not dangerous, or at least to her it seemed that way. He was just desperate to see this woman again and she did see them talk. What harm could it do?

“She is going to redecorate our hotel. So she will be coming again.” She offered. “But you didn’t hear it from me.” She clarified.

 

“Thank you.” He said, as he walked away from her. He could wait for her to come back, but when would that be? Or he could call some people and they would find her quickly. Without even rethinking his thought, he took out his phone and dialed. “Benny?  Jason … Yeah it’s really me. I need a favor.”

 

 

Carly sat in her car with her face in her hands and tears streaming down her face. She still loved him, more if it was possible. How could out of the blue she bump into him and in three seconds all the hurt and the pain come back full force?  She had just wanted to throw herself into his arms, to kiss away her pain and his. But instead she just froze and did nothing. She didn’t know how to act around him. It had been so long since they had seen each other that they were complete strangers.  She didn’t know her at all.

 

Yet she remembered the sensations that coursed through her body when he looked at her. When she still didn’t know he was there. That had not changed. The chemistry did not change; yet they had changed. They were different people. For all she knew he was married and had his own set of kids. And that thought hurt her even more. Why did it still hurt her? Why did she still have him in her heart? He never loved her enough yet she still loved him.

 

She sighed heavily and started the car. There was nothing to be done anymore. If he had wanted to talk to her or to catch up with her, he would have stopped her when she walked away. What this encounter had produced was the knowledge that he didn’t want her in his life anymore and that he was better off without her in it.  She would move on, after all it had been seven years and she was fine. She would be again.  It was only two seconds of seeing him and he had stirred emotions in her that she thought were buried deep inside of her but she would bury them again.

 

Her cell phone rang and she startled and for a brief second before checking the caller id she thought that it might be Jason.

 

“Yeah.” She said, trying to sound chipper. “What’s up Barb?”

 

“Did you get the account?” she said, as she laughed. “Tell me you got the account.”

 

“I got the account.” Carly said. “Well almost I need to talk to the business manager and set up some type of budget. See how much money they want to dish out.”

 

She could do this. She could move on with her life. She could concentrate on her job and on Michael and forget that she ever saw Jason.

 

“Great!” Barb said. “How about we do lunch at Giordano’s?”

 

“On Ohio Street?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Barb I would love to but I don’t think that I can today I got to go and see Michael.” She lied. So Jason had affected her in some way.  Sue her!  “But I’ll come back to the office if you need me.”

 

“No that’s okay.  I’ll handle the afternoon rush.  You go ahead and spend some time with your boy.”

 

“See you tomorrow Barb.” Carly said, as she hung up the phone.

 

 

Couple of hours later…

 

Jason looked at the piece of paper that he held in his hand. Benny had pulled through, it had taken him longer than expected but it was because Luke had made Carly difficult to find. He had covered her tracks well and Benny had to call in a couple of favors but after all that was done he had called him and given him the address.

 

Now what to do was the question of the hour. He wanted to just go over and kiss her. He just wanted to hold her and see if she still felt perfect in his arms. But above all he wanted to know what had been of her life. He had asked Benny finally what had happened while he was gone and all Benny offered was that when Jason had skipped town so did Carly. She had disappeared from the face of the earth taking Michael with her and abandoning AJ in the process.

 

Benny told him that AJ tried to look for them for a while and that he tried as well for Jason’s sake but he confessed to him that not hard enough because Jason never asked him to do that so he concentrated on other matters.  He also told him that at first he thought that maybe Jason didn’t ask because she was actually with him. After he found out that she wasn’t he didn’t even try asking cause he knew it was something that Jason wasn’t willing to discuss. If they hadn’t left together, Benny said, they must have had a big fall out.

 

Jason thought back to the fact that Carly walked out on AJ and he could kick himself. She had taken nothing with her for all he knew and she could have struggled and had a hard time getting on her feet. He had promised to take care of them and he hadn’t.  But then again the thoughts of her in Sonny’s shirt came back to him and his heart broke all over again.  He had managed to not feel bitter about it anymore and he had come to the conclusion that he should not have ran but it was too late, years had already passed so he just let it go. Besides pride played a part in it as well. How could she do this to him? Carly that said and promised to love him forever. He had felt betrayed in the most despicable way and he couldn’t overcome that.  She was his. He had believed that even if he fought with himself on that count.

 

She had always been the one that was waiting for him in the sidelines, up in front, fighting with Robin for him, taking his money, but always waiting for his love.  Why did she just go and sleep with Sonny? Why couldn’t she have trusted him and made a scandal about him dancing with Elizabeth when he got home or at Kelly’s even when she had seen him?  Why? Why when they had been so close and he was about to break down all the walls that his heart and his mind had made in regards to her?  Why?

 

Jason groaned out loud and ran a hand over his face as he got up from the chair, grabbed his leather jacket and went out the door. They needed to talk.

 

 

It took me by surprise

When I saw you standing there

Close enough to touch

Breathing the same air

You asked me how I’d been

I guess that’s when I smiled and said just fine

Oh but baby I was lying

 

Carly wiped the tears that were running down her face. How perfect was this? She came home turned on the damn radio to distract herself from thoughts of Jason and the first song that comes up is this one. Of all days, today had to be the day she heard this song and finally paid attention to what it was saying. She figured that Michael would have changed the radio station that she liked, but as her luck would have it he had not even touched the stereo.

 

The stupid song was portraying to perfection the day she had.  She still couldn’t believe that she had bumped into Jason out of the blue and at The Drake, if that wasn’t coincidence she really then had no clue what that was.  Destiny! It was destiny Carly.

 

What I really meant to say

Is I’m dying here inside

And I miss you more each day

There’s not a night I haven’t cried

And baby here’s the truth

I’m still in love with you

 

She sat by the fire after she had lit it as thoughts consumed her. Why had she slept with Sonny? Why did she ruin everything that was about to happen between her and Jason?  Did she really deep down inside believe that he had something to do with Liz? Could she really believe that after all they had been through he would just up and leave and go with someone else?  She should have known better but yet again she had messed up the most perfect thing that she had and she never got the chance to make it up to him because he left and she didn’t know where he was. She had no choice but to let him go.  That’s not true Carly; you could have found a way to find him. You were just to scared, she told herself.  You knew in your heart it was over.

 

And as you walked away

The echo of my words

Cut just like a knife

Cut so deep it hurt

I held back the tears

Held on to my pride and watched you go

I wonder if you’ll ever know

 

She put her face in her hands and started sobbing. Why did he have to come back to her life so abruptly? Why did she have to see him again? Just when she thought that she had found something good, she had a dream job, she had a great kid, and she had long ago given up on the prospect of love.  In her opinion she had it all. Then in comes Jason again to remind her what she is lacking in her life, him and his love, what she really had wanted from him. The only thing in her life she had ever wanted so badly, she felt incomplete because she didn’t have it.

 

She breathed in heavily and sighed.  She got up from the couch and went to the large glass window that she had in her penthouse on Lake Shore Drive.  It overlooked the downtown area in Chicago.  It was so beautiful, that every time she saw it, she was speechless.

 

What I really meant to say

Is I’m dying here inside

And I miss you more each day

There’s not a night I haven’t cried

And baby here’s the truth

I’m still in love with you

 

Michael walked into the house and right away saw her mother’s tears. “Hey what’s wrong mom?” he said as he stood beside her, concern written all over his face.

 

“Nothing sweetie.” She said, trying to put a smile on her face.  “I’m okay.”

 

“No you’re not.” He insisted. “What happened?”

 

Carly opened her mouth to respond but the doorbell interrupted her. “I’ll get it.” Michael said.

 

He went to open the door and smiled when he saw his friend from next door. “Hey you want to come to Chuckie Cheese with me and my mom?” he offered.  “Just for a little while.”

 

“No, I don’t think so.” Michael said, as he looked at his mom. Something was wrong with her and he didn’t want to leave her alone.  After all he was the man of the house.

 

Carly called him over and said, “I want you to go. This is a girl thing honey. Don’t worry I’m fine. I was a little sensitive but now I’m okay. I want you to go and have pizza and have some fun. You deserve it.  I’ll be here when you come back.”

 

“Mom are you sure?” he asked, doubting for a second.

 

“Go.” She said, as she smiled and hugged him. “I’ll be mad if you don’t.”

 

“Okay, okay.” Michael said. “Just for a little while and then when I come back I want to know what’s wrong, okay?” Michael said, as he hugged her back tightly.

 

“Sweetie, nothing is wrong.” She re-iterated, trying to sound convincing.

 

“Bye mom.” He waved as he closed the door behind him wondering what had happened. Someone had made his mom cry and he wanted to know who.

 

A couple of minutes later….

 

Someone knocked at the door and she smiled as she wiped her tears. Michael must’ve forgotten something. Wasn’t that typical? He always forgot something.  She got up from the couch, like mother like son.  She laughed at that thought.

 

“Sweetie what did you forget?” she questioned, but as she looked straight ahead expecting to have to look down to see her son, she locked eyes with Jason and almost gasped out loud.

 

He stared intently at her and said nothing, a hint of the smallest smirk evident on his face.  “Can I come in?” he asked, almost in a whisper, secretly glad that he still had some effect on her.

 

She stood to the side to let him come in, signaling with her hand. “How did you get my address?” she asked, trying to make some type of conversation.

 

“Benny gave it to me.” He said, not hiding the fact that he had wanted to know.

 

“Oh.” Was all she said.  Maybe Luke didn’t do such a good job.

 

Jason still read her mind like a book.  “He struggled for a couple of hours, so Luke did do a good job.”

 

Carly couldn’t help but smile through her tears. “Well for Benny to struggle.” She said. “I guess he did.”

 

“Why did you leave?” he asked, wanting to know everything. Needing to know everything.

 

“Why would I stay?” was her response, cold and detached.

 

“I don’t know.”  He honestly answered. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“I don’t know.” He said again. 

 

He turned to see her and as he saw the tears welling up in her eyes for the third time today something in him snapped.  He wanted her, he still loved her and he was probably going to feel this way for the end of time. They were one forever. She had said that to him before he left Port Charles. We will never be over.

 

“I want you to leave.” She said, as she began wiping tears from her cheeks and giving her back to him.

 

“Do you?” he questioned. He knew this was insane but he was going to do his best to be with her. They would have a chance to talk later, but right now the only thought in his mind was to feel her against him and to touch her as he had in his dreams for the past seven years.  Besides, it was the only way that he knew would calm her down.  And she was ready to do battle with him, even though he knew better, he still wanted her right now. Damn the consequences. They were long overdue.

 

“I do.” She said, as she turned towards him and saw him approaching her with a determined look in his eye. 

 

He was getting closer to her and her first instinct was to stand her ground but she wasn’t strong enough to fight with him, so she started retreating as he came forward. After several steps back she hit the balcony glass window. There was nowhere else to go and Jason was still advancing towards her.  What was he doing?

 

As he got within inches of her his hands went out and caressed her face. Carly did her utmost best not to whisper his name.  She had missed his touch so much. It was a gentle caress, the type that no other man had been able to equal.  And the look in his eyes, she had missed him so much. She needed him so much.

 

As he was running his hands through her face, he sighed out loud. She still felt so delicate and sensual against his hands. She still was so perfect. She still made him crazy with desire. She still managed to bring out the sensitive side of him. Two conflicting emotions, only her!

 

Instinctively Carly’s arms wrapped around his neck and with that gesture Jason’s head automatically shot down so his lips were a fraction away from hers.  “Carly.” Was the only thing he uttered before he attacked her mouth, he had wanted for the kiss to be slow and languid, but as soon as he felt her breath on his face, he knew that would be a lost cause.  He had no control. He would ravish her. It could not be avoided. Years of pent up passion would not be denied.

 

Carly groaned out loud as she felt his lips on hers. Without wanting to she hugged him tighter to her and he pulled her closer to his chest instinctively.  Their kiss was if all the years of separation had never been there. There was no past, and no future. They were only living in that particular moment.  What counted was the here and now.

 

He ran his tongue over her lower lip and she fully opened her mouth, letting his tongue invade her mouth.  As soon as their tongues met they made a dance of their own as her hands went up to run her fingers through his hair, while Jason’s hands made his way to her back, to pull her even closer to him.  She couldn’t get close enough for his peace of mind.

 

“Jason.” Carly muttered, as she separated her lips from his. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

 

“I’m here.” He said, as he kissed her neck and ran his tongue over to her ear as he gently licked it.  “I need to be with you.” He said, as he started to unbutton her blouse.  Suddenly a thought entered his mind.  “You alone?” he asked as he started to look around the apartment.

 

Carly nodded her head as she ran her hand down his chest, feeling his rippled chest under his shirt.  “Yes.” She said anyway, just in case he had not seen her nod.  She didn’t want him to think that there was anyone else. There hadn’t been anyone else important enough to bring here.

 

That was all he needed to know. He knew that Michael was with her cause Benny had told him, so he must be out and he really didn’t care about anybody else.  All he wanted was to have her in his arms. All he wanted was to be with her and feel her against him. To make himself believe he was really here with her and about to make love to her again.

 

He finished unbuttoning her blouse and ran it down her arms exposing her to him. He closed his eyes for a second, her image etched in his brain for years and now having her here in front of him, consuming his senses.  He opened his eyes and stared into hers. They were filled with uncertainty and pain but there was no fear there.  “Tell me you want to be with me.” He said, cupping her face in his hands gently.  “I’m not going to do anything that you don’t want me to do.”

 

She could not lie to him, she wanted this, had wanted it for so long that now that Jason was in front of her, even though she knew making love to him could not be a good idea, she could not bring herself to say no. “I want to be with you Jase.” Damn the consequences. When, not if, he left her again, at least she would have this. And the memories could pull her through like before.  After all, their nights of passionate lovemaking pulled her through until now.

 

Jason smiled as he picked her up and had her straddle his waist.  “Upstairs?” he questioned, as he looked around trying to figure out where her bedroom could be.

 

“Yeah.  Second door to the right.” She said, as he was already going up the stairs, not waiting for an answer. 

 

He opened the door and looked at her and had to smile when he saw that the only look he got from her was one of pent up passion, the uncertainty was gone.  This was the Carly that he remembered being with.  His Carly.

 

He saw the bed and made his way to it and laid her on it as he followed her down. He started kissing her neck again and she moved her head to the side so he could have better access.  She groaned out loud as his hand cupped her breast over her bra. 

 

“Take it off.” She said, as she put his hands on her back. “You always did like to do that first.”

 

“When you had one.” He joked, suddenly feeling light-hearted. The wall that surrounded his heart was quickly melting.

 

She smiled, suddenly realizing that she was actually enjoying this more than she should. How was it possible that after so many years Jason could come in and just pick up where he left off? 

 

He undid her bra strap immediately taking it off.  He groaned at seeing her exposed and gently nipped one of her nipples.  “I have missed you.” He said, with his heart in his hand. So much!

 

“Me too.” She said, her voice cracking with emotion. “Me too.” she repeated, for no reason in particular.

 

He kissed her one more time gently and ran his hand over her arm.  “I don’t know if this is right but I know that I can’t help it.  I want to be with you.”  I need to be with you.

 

“Like old times?” she said, furrowing her brow.

 

He looked at her. How could he answer that?  It wasn’t really like old times. It was more like a reconnection of sorts.  “I know you’re name now.” He said, as he bent his head and kissed her forehead. And I love you, he wanted to say, but he just couldn’t. He still couldn’t. “And it’s not like before” Trust me Carly, please just this once.

 

Carly smiled, “Its not like before.”, she repeated, as she pulled him down and kissed him for all she was worth.  She smiled inwardly as she realized that Jason hadn’t changed much.  He still didn’t tell her the things that she wanted to hear but it was okay, she would take what she could get tonight.  Tonight was all that mattered.

 

She suddenly grabbed him by his shoulders, pulled back slightly smiled seductively and with all her might flipped him.  He laughed, “You always managed to get me off balance.”

 

“I know.” She said, as her tongue ran along his neck.  He groaned out loud as he caressed her backside.  She slid her hands over his arms and lifted his arms above his head as she laid her whole body over his. 

 

Jason sighed at her weight on top of his body.  She felt so good next to him.  She brought her hands back to his chest and started pulling his shirt above his head. He finally was lying there beside her - shirtless - and she sighed at the beaauty of it.  Over the years he had not changed at all, he still was as buffed as ever and he was still the most beautiful thing that she had ever laid eyes on.

 

He seemed to have read her thoughts the only difference being that he voiced what he was thinking about her. “You are so beautiful.  That hasn’t changed.”

 

“You haven’t changed either.” She muttered. “You still manage to take my breath away.”

 

He looked at her and laughed. He wasn’t insulting her. She knew that.  “What?” she found herself asking.

 

“I was supposed to say that to you.” Jason said.

 

“Well say it.” She teased. 

 

“Carly you are so beautiful and you manage to take my breath away.”

 

She smiled. “Well I’ve gotten a few wrinkles here and there.”

 

“No you haven’t.”

 

“Yes I have.  I’m over thirty.”

 

“So am I.” He teased, as he pulled her closer to him and laid her head on his chest. He ached to have her in his arms and he ached to be inside of her but this conversation was nice as well and they needed to talk as well as make love. He wanted to know what had been of her life and why she had left with no warning, if she had needed money or if she had managed to be okay without his help?

 

She caught on to his change in mood and for a fraction of a second panicked. She had flashbacks of him rejecting her and she tensed up instantly but as she looked into his eyes she just saw curiosity in them and pain at not knowing what had been of her life.

 

“What do you want to know?” she said, as she rubbed her hand up and down the center of his chest.  They could wait. She wanted to be with him more than ever and she was going crazy with want but she had waited so long, what was a couple more minutes, right?

 

“Everything.” He said honestly.

 

“Okay.” She said, knowing that he meant it.  “Well you left town and I had nothing to keep me there.  I just wanted to get away from any memory or any place, or object or dock or any Quartermaine. I finally realized that my plan was stupid and that it managed to finally do the undoable.” She laughed.  “Well that and what happened that night that I don’t want to remember.” 

 

Jason started rubbing his hand up and down her back, letting her know that he was listening and that he wanted to know more.

 

“So I went to Luke and told him to get me the hell outta there.  At first he said no but as he saw my misery and how much I didn’t want to be with AJ he conceded not without telling me first that I should look for you.”

 

She put her elbow on his chest lightly so she could put her chin on it and look him in the eyes, “And I told him what I had done and he just nodded his head and said that he would help me and here I am.” She said, as she lay back on her pillow, separating herself from Jason for a bit.

 

Jason turned to his side and smiled.  “I went all around the world, the farther away from Port Charles the better. I wanted to forget and I wanted to just have the hurt go away but as time passed by I just got numb.  The pain did lessen but I always thought about you.  I couldn’t forget your smile, your face, the way you smelled.” He said, as he leaned in and smelled her hair. “That hasn’t changed either.”

 

“Same perfume.” She said, as she let him kiss her neck and lightly run his tongue over her earlobe. 

 

“I love it.” He said.

 

And I love you. Carly wanted to say. She wanted to scream that she was still in love with this man. After so long and after such a huge absence he still owned her heart. Would always own her heart.

 

“So tell me did you manage to go to Africa like you told Michael that you would?” she asked, trying desperately to distract herself from thoughts of loving him and of telling him at that precise moment.

 

“No I didn’t.  I started in Australia, then went to Germany and then went to the Caribbean for a while.  I finally ended up in Europe, Italy, France, Paris.”

 

“Did you see Robin?” she suddenly asked.

 

“Yeah.” He said, as he tried not to smirk at her question. She still hated her. Typical.

 

“Oh.” She said, trying not to roll her eyes but unsuccessful. “Is she still a bitch?” She asked evilly.

 

Jason laughed out loud. He had not done that in such a long time. He only laughed like this when he was with Carly. “Yeah.”

 

“Excuse me?” she said, surprised. “Did I hear you correctly, you telling me that Robin is a bitch?”

 

“She is.” He shrugged.  “I found that out when she betrayed me and then when she called to meet me in Paris. She means nothing to me.”

 

“Is she sick?”

 

“She looks okay.  I really don’t know Carly.” Not really wanting to talk about Robin anymore. She was so irrelevant in his life at this point.  “Where’s Michael?” he asked suddenly.

 

“You do realize that I am topless as well as you being shirtless and were having a conversation here?”

 

“I know.” He said, as he bent down and kissed her fully on the lips.  “I want you so much but it seems that we need to talk too.  But if you want to hold off on the talking, that’s cool.” He said, with a gleam in his eye.

 

“We were never able to do that before.  But then again after a while all we did was talk so I guess now were in the middle?” she said.

 

“No, I really want you right now, I’m just trying to be good.” He said, as he lay on top of her and put his hands on each side of her face.  “Really trying.  I really don’t know what to do or how to act.”

 

“Then don’t try so hard. Michael is at Chuckie Cheese.” She said, as she pushed her head off the pillow and met his lips as they were coming down to hers. “And he won’t be gone all day. ”

 

He looked at her in slight confusion. What the hell was Chuckie Cheese?

 

Carly laughed. “Jase it’s a pizza place with a lot of arcade games for kids.  He loves it there.”

 

“Oh.” He said.  “You still seem to know what I’m thinking.”

 

“Well it hasn’t been that long for me not to know you. Some things might have changed but others stay the same.” Like my love for you.

 

“I can understand that.” Jase said.  Cause I still love you.

 

He smiled tenderly at her as he bent down to kiss her gently. They could talk later. Right now he wanted to feel himself inside of her, being consumed by her warmth and by her moisture. 

 

“Make love to me Jase.” She whispered in his ear. “Now. No more talking, no more foreplay just you inside of me.” She said as her hands went downward and she unbuckled his jeans and automatically slid them down. She didn’t even care that his jeans were not all the way down, she went for his boxers; she wanted him naked and ready to be inside her.

 

Jason kicked his jeans off and his boxers followed a couple of seconds later.  He groaned out loud when he felt her hand on his hard shaft.  He had missed her so much.  She guided him to her opening and bucked her hips upward, so his tip could go inside her.  Jason gasped out loud at the sensations that she was making him feel.  “Oh my God.” He managed to say in between rasps as he grabbed her by the waist and thrust inside of her. 

 

Carly screamed out his name as he charged through her.  No one had filled her up as Jason had.  “Oh Jase.” She said, as he pumped in and out of her quickly, pounding her like he never had before.  He was a madman.  He had no control over his body. Instincts were taking over. 

 

She groaned in unison of his movements, In and out, in and out.  “Mmmmm.” She never remembered it being like this with him. She felt like she was going to explode but she didn’t want him to stop.

 

Jason was building her up to the point of release, but he would pull back and she wanted to cry out in frustration, but then he would look into her eyes, and he would penetrate her again, deeper every time. “You feel so good Carly. God you feel so good.” 

 

“Jase now, please, faster, faster.” She said, in between pants.  Her breathing was ragged and his breathing was hard and coming in short rasps.  He stroked her furiously until he heard her scream out loud and tremble in his arms. 

 

He immediately let go and held onto her tightly.  “Carly.” He half groaned, half whispered her name worshipfully.  He climaxed and shuddered in her arms as she held onto him for dear life. As he came to the end of his climax he linked his fingers to hers and squeezed her tight.  He loved her.

 

As their breathing came back to normal, he kissed her on the lips and put his head in the crook of her neck not making any move to ease himself from her, his organ still imbedded inside of her, in her safe haven.

 

Carly hugged him tighter and smiled.  She might not know what tomorrow would bring but she had had him one more time and it had been wonderful.  Suddenly all the nights that she had spent crying for him, and all the nights that she couldn’t sleep because the hole in her heart would keep her up at night, didn’t matter anymore.  At this point in time she was content, she was happy, she was where she wanted to be.

 

There’s not a night I haven’t cried

And baby here’s the truth

I’m still in love with you

 

“That was amazing.” She said, as she stroked his back.  She wanted to tell him that she loved him, she wanted to tell him that there wasn’t a night that hadn’t gone by that she did not miss him, or want him to walk through that door telling her that he had forgiven her and that he wanted to stay, but she didn’t know what his reaction would be and she would not risk it.  She couldn’t, she was still afraid.

 

Carly suddenly felt Jason lips against her neck and knew that he was smiling. She felt his lips move.  “Why are you laughing?”

 

“I’m not laughing.” He mumbled, refusing to move from his space.  That was his favorite spot. He loved nuzzling his head in the crook of her neck.  It was sensual, she always smelled so great and she fit perfectly against him. She always had, she still did.  She always would.  I love you Carly.

 

What I really meant to say

Is I’m dying here inside

And I miss you more each day

There’s not a night I haven’t cried

And baby here’s the truth

I’m still in love with you

And that’s what I really meant to say

 

“Yes you are.” She said, laughing as well. She was giddy.  She was happy, she felt free. She felt alive.  It was weird but she finally realized that she had only been half living without Jason and now that she had him in her bed again – at least for today – she knew without a doubt that she would not be whole without him by her side.

 

Instinctively she knew that he would walk away again shattering her heart into little pieces but what mattered to her was that she had had one night with him after seven years and if this was all she was going to get then she would adjust to her suffering.

 

“It’s getting late.” She said sadly, trying to get up.

 

“Where are you going?” he automatically said, keeping her next to his body, refusing to let her go. She felt so good below him. If she would get up he would be alone again. 

 

“Michael will be home soon.” She said, managing to get away from him and grabbing her clothes to put them on. She didn’t want to leave him just yet but it was time to come into reality.  She put her clothes on hurriedly and looked at him sharply.  “I suggest you do the same.” She said, pointing to his clothes.  “Unless you want Michael to see you naked.”

 

What had happened?  Why this change of attitude so quickly?  But then again why was he surprised?  This was Carly after all.

 

“Unless you don’t want to stick around to see him.” She said, sharply. 

 

“What?” he said, feeling a Carly induced headache coming on.

 

“I mean it’s your trademark right?  Picking up and leaving? Never saying goodbye.  Well let me tell you something Jase. You won’t put my son through that pain again.  I rather you leave now.” She said, as tears welled up in her eyes.

 

Jason hastily got out of bed and put on his boxers but letting everything else stay on the floor.  “You cannot tell me that I don’t love Michael.  I have thought about him everyday.”

 

“I know Jason.” She said, defeated. “But it’s been so long since Michael has seen you. I think that I should tell him first that you’re here in the city. That is if you really want to see him.”

 

“Have you talked to him about me?” Jason said, afraid of her answer.  She once had promised him that no matter what happened between them he would always remain Michael’s father and she would always talk to Michael about him.

 

“Yes and he has pictures of you.  He knows that you had to leave. And he knows that you leaving had to do with a mistake that I made.”

 

“He knows everything?” Jason asked.

 

Carly knew what everything meant. “No he doesn’t know everything.  He doesn’t know that I slept with Sonny and he doesn’t know that I was the one that ruined the only chance that he had at a real family.”

 

“It wasn’t only you.” He said. “I was to blame too.”

 

Carly furrowed her brow and she looked at him questioningly.  “Oh?” Since when?

 

“I was the one at fault too.  I should have told you before how I felt about you. But I never did.”

 

It took me by surprise

When I saw you standing there

Close enough to touch

Breathing the same air

You asked me how I’d been

I guess that’s when I smiled and said just fine

Oh but baby I was lying

 

He approached her and lightly rubbed his finger down her cheek, tracing one of her tears.  “I loved you.” He said, his voice cracking.  It was time to tell her.

 

“I loved you Jason.” She said, as she inched closer to him. “I always did.”

 

What I really meant to say

Is I’m dying here inside

And I miss you more each day

There’s not a night I haven’t cried

And baby here’s the truth

I’m still in love with you

And that’s what I really meant to say

 

“I’m sorry.” He said, touching his forehead to hers.  “I’m so sorry.”

 

“For what?” Carly said, a little confused.

 

“For not realizing that what I felt for you was love.  My heart knew it but my head didn’t want to accept it.”

 

“Why did you leave Jase?  We could’ve worked it out somehow.”

 

And as you walked away

The echo of my words

Cut just like a knife

Cut so deep it hurts

I held back the tears

Held on to my pride and watched you go

I wonder if you’ll ever know

 

“I couldn’t bare the pain of having you close and not being able to touch you. And if I did touch you, I thought that I would be reminded of what you did.”

 

“I never meant for that to happen Jason. I went there and Sonny told me that you had forgotten me and that you were in love with Liz and I panicked.  I just panicked Jase.  After all the years of me trying to get you to love me and to forget Robin and then all of a sudden this little girl came and took Robin’s place and my place as well. It was too much for me to deal with.  It hurt me so much that I just wanted to numb the pain and I went back to my old ways, to try and forget about you.  That was it. It meant nothing. I regret it.  I don’t think I’ll ever regret anything as much as I regretted that night.”

 

What I really meant to say

Is I’m really not that strong

No matter how I try

I’m still holding on

And here’s the honest truth

I’m still in love with you

And that’s what I really meant to say

 

“You never trusted me Carly.” Jason said, sadly.

 

“Jason you never gave me any indication that you loved me. How was I supposed to trust that?”

 

“What more did you want? After all the shit that you pulled, I was still there. Always there, waiting for you.  Waiting for you to finally open up your heart and let me in.”

 

“You were already in.”

 

“No Carly.  No, you said you loved me but you didn’t trust me.  And to me love without trust, is not love, at least not one that I want.”

 

“You could have told me then maybe I could trust you.” She pointed out.

 

“You should have known that I would show you with actions and not with words. You know this.”  He said, putting his hands up in frustration. “You should know me better than anyone.”

 

“Jase.” Carly said, “I’m tired of fighting with you. Tired of crying myself to sleep. I still love you.” She said, as she sat down on the bed and put her face in her hands. “And I know that I should not say that now after seven years what can I expect.  But I just can’t go on like this anymore. I have you here in front of me, so I’ll say it. I love you. I trusted you back then as much as I was going to trust anyone. You knew how fucked up I was and how I didn’t trust anyone but myself.  I needed to hear you say it back then.”

 

Jason looked at her and saw that she wouldn’t look his way. “Carly.” He said, softly. When she still didn’t respond, he said, “Look at me.”

 

She finally turned to look at him and the smile on his face was one that she had not seen in a long time. “I love you too.  I don’t care how many years go by Carly; you’re in my heart. I loved you then, I love you now, and I’ll love you always.”

 

“Oh my God.” She said, as she flung into his arms. “Does this mean you forgive me?” she said in between tears.

 

“I forgave you a long time ago Carly.” He said, as he embraced her tightly. “I just didn’t know how to tell you and I didn’t know if you would want to hear it. I thought I was too late.”

 

“I would have loved to hear that Jase. Here all this time I thought you hated me.”

 

“I could never hate you.” He said. “You drive me crazy and half the time I don’t know if I’m up or down with you, but I could never hate you.”

 

“I love you!” she exclaimed.  “Always and forever.”

 

“Always and forever.” He repeated. 

 

“Now get dressed we need to talk to Michael. Cause your staying right?” she said, suddenly nervous.

 

“I’m not going anywhere.” He said, as he hugged her from behind and laid a kiss on her neck. “Its weird how we just picked up where we left off, so to speak.”

 

“There are a lot of things we need to talk about Jase. But I know what you mean. It’s like you never left. Kinda.”

 

“Do you think Michael will recognize me?” he asked, feeling his heart constrict as the thought of the kid he still considered his son, not being able to differentiate him from any guy on the street.

 

“Oh he knows who you are Jase.” Carly said, as she went and cupped his cheek with her hand. “I didn’t let him forget you.  He has a picture of you in his room and I do talk about you and I tell him the things that you guys used to do.  It’s hard for him to remember you but he knows that you love him and that it wasn’t your fault that you had to go away.”

 

“Is he big?” Jason asked as he put the remainder of his clothes on.

 

Carly laughed as she was brushing her hair to put it up in a ponytail.  “Oh Jason he’s so big and so mature. And there are so many things that he does that remind me of you.  He is so sweet and he tries to be the man of the house and he tries to protect me.  I’m the mother here yet he always seems to take care of me.”

 

Jason smiled, “Well he loves you.”

 

“Yeah he does.” Carly re-iterated.  “And he’s very possessive.” She commented, without looking at him as she buttoned her blouse and opened the door.

 

Jason furrowed his brow as he followed her. “Why would he be possessive, its only you and him right?”

 

Carly turned her head as she came down the stairs, “Yeah its only me and him Jase, but on occasion I did go out with a guy or two and he wasn’t happy with it. So I just never brought them by.”

 

“How many?” Jason questioned.

 

“How many what?”

 

“Men Carly.” Jason said, as he stepped up to her.

 

Carly rolled her eyes, “Jase I don’t know.  Not a lot.” She said, honestly.  “I was too wrapped up in memories of you the first few years that I didn’t want to date anyone and then I dedicated myself to work and Michael.”

Jason laughed, “Work?”

 

“Yes smart ass work.  What, you didn’t think I could make a living?” she said, smiling.  “But don’t change the subject on me Jase. Since were talking here about how many men I dated, how about you?  With that body and that face, honey I know that you had a lot of women.”

Jason scrunched his nose as he stood in front of her and pressed their bodies together in a frontal position. “None worth mentioning.” He said, “I always had you in my heart.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Carly said, as she slid her hands around his waist and hugged him.  “Whatever.”

 

They both heard footsteps outside in the hall and separated. “Relax.” She said, as she felt Jason tense up and squeezed his forearm.  “It may be weird for a little bit, but it’ll be all right.”

 

“Mom!” Michael screamed from the door.  “I’m home.”

 

“Over here sweetie.” She said, as Michael turned toward the dining room area.

 

He cast his beautiful bright smile to her but it died instantly when he saw who was next to her.  “Honey, Jason’s here.” She said, as she stretched out her hand.

 

“Yeah.” Michael said, “ I see that.”

 

Jason closed his eyes in regret for a fraction of a second before saying, “How are you Michael?”

 

“Good.  What’s up?  You here to make my mom cry again?”

 

“Michael.” Carly warned.

 

“No its okay.” Jason said. “Let him say what he has to say.”

 

Michael raised his eyebrow and turned to look at Carly, deliberately ignoring Jason. “Is that why you were crying a while ago?”

 

“Honey listen.” Carly said, but was interrupted by Michael. “Mom if you don’t mind I’ll be in my room.”

 

“I mind!” Carly said.  “We need to talk about this.”

 

“No.” Michael said, as he ran up the stairs.

 

“Michael!” Carly yelled after him but it was no use, he had slammed the door.  She turned apologetically to Jason as she muttered, “Well that went well.”

 

“He doesn’t know me Carly, all he knows is that I walked out.  And it doesn’t matter that you told him that it wasn’t my fault he blames me and that’s all there is to it.”

 

“I’ll go talk to him.  You want to wait?” she said.

 

“Nah. I think it will be better if I go.” Jason stated. “I’ll call you later.  I got all the info.” He smiled sadly, “I’m in room 908.”

 

“I’m sorry Jason.” Carly said, as she hugged him and as she pulled back she kissed him gently on the lips. “I really thought that he’d be all right.” 

 

Jason smiled against her lips and kissed her back applying a little more pressure than she had.  “At least I have you back.  I’ll work on Michael.”

 

“Me too.  I love you.”

 

“I love you.” He said, as he opened the door and headed out.

 

++++++

 

“What was that all about?” Carly said, as she sat down beside him on the bed. She didn’t yell, on the contrary her tone was one of concern. “Jason took care of you the first few months of your life.  You adored him.”

 

“Yeah, well I don’t remember him.” Michael said, sadly. “I don’t even know if I would remember him at all if you didn’t bring him up all the time.”

 

“That’s why I did it baby.” She said, “I didn’t want you to forget him. He is an important part of our life.”

 

“He hasn’t been around at all.”  Michael pointed out. “The last seven years have been good right?” Michael questioned stubbornly. “We don’t need him to come around mom.”

 

“Michael.” Carly said, but was interrupted.

 

“No mom. I don’t want him here. Don’t you see?  He is going to walk out again I’m sure of it and why should I get used to him if he’s just going to leave.”

 

“Honey he just came back today and we had a chance meeting. I didn’t know we were going to bump into each other but we did. We talked and we agreed that he isn’t going anywhere this time, he wants to be here.”

 

“I don’t believe him.”

“I already told you that he didn’t leave cause he wanted too. I did something bad that I am not going to talk to you about but it was me Michael.”

 

“You still love him don’t you?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

 

“Yes.” She responded, without qualms.  “I always have and he has always loved me.” Michael was about to interrupt but it was Carly’s turn to not let him finish.  “Listen sweetie, I don’t expect you to understand what Jason and I went through or what were going to do from here on out but what I do expect you is to try to have some type of relationship with him because he wants to be in your life and he should be. He is the father that I want for you and he wants to be your father.”

 

“I don’t need a father.” Michael pointed out.

 

“Everyone needs a father Michael.  You need to learn to forgive him.  And you need to forgive me too for taking him away from you.”

 

“Will you stop blaming yourself mom.”? Michael said, frustrated.

 

Carly sighed as her eyes filled with tears. “I think that you need to be alone right now, like you said.”

 

Michael nodded his head.

 

++++

 

Jason walked into the hotel room and sat down on the chair next to the phone.  He wanted to call Carly and see how it had gone with Michael but he didn’t know if she had finished or not and he didn’t want to interrupt.

 

Three seconds after that thought the phone rang and he answered.

 

“Hey.” Carly called out. “I knew that you would want to know what’s going on.”

 

“And?”

 

Carly sighed.  “He doesn’t want to understand reasons and he blames you.” She said, honestly. “But Jase I swear to you I have never tried to put anything negative in his head. On the contrary.”

 

“I know that.” Jason said, sadly. “I think that I need to talk to him on my own. And I’ll do it tomorrow.”

 

“I think that’s a good idea.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere.” Jason said. “He’ll just have to learn to trust me again and if I have to start from zero than I will.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be.” Jason said, “I don’t blame you.”

 

“Okay.” She said, breathing again.

 

“Then I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“Well Michael will be sleeping in a couple of hours if you want to come by.” She said, suggestively.

 

Jason smiled as he whispered. “I’ll be there around midnight.”

 

“I’ll be waiting.”

 

+++++

 

Carly looked into Michael’s bedroom and smiled when she saw him sleeping peacefully. She went up to the bed and covered him as she kissed his forehead. “I love you.” She muttered slowly.

 

++++

 

Carly made her way down the stairs as she looked at the clock, 11:59 p.m. Jason would almost be there. She still couldn’t believe that he was back in her life and although for her to be completely happy Michael had to be on board with them, she was ecstatic that he at least was there and they would try to make it this time as a couple.

 

There was a light knock on the door and she smiled at his punctuality.  She opened the door and smiled as she saw a bottle of champagne in Jason’s left hand.  “Why Jase you want to get me tipsy?”

 

He smirked sexily. “That’s the plan.”

 

“But champagne?  Where’s the beer?” she joked.

 

He pulled out a six-pack from behind his back and smiled.

 

“My kind of guy.” Carly said happily. “I love you so much.”

 

“Me too.” He said, as he kissed her.  Ever since he had left her he had thought of nothing else but to kiss her again. He loved to feel her lips against his.  “Is Michael okay?” he said, concerned. 

“He’s sleeping right now.” She said, “But he really need to get used to the idea that you’re back and maybe if you give him a couple of days.” She said.

 

“No. I am talking to him tomorrow. He needs to know that I am not leaving and if he’s mad at me that’s fine but I need him to know that I never stopped loving him no matter what.” He said.

 

“Is it true?” Michael called out from the top of the stairs.

 

“What honey?” Carly called out as she extended her hand to him.

 

“Is it true?” Michael repeated, ignoring Carly and looking straight into Jason’s eyes. 

 

“Yes.” Jason said, as he came around Carly and made his way to the bottom of the stairs.  “I am not leaving anymore Michael and I love you.” Jason choked out as tears threatened to spill.

 

Michael came running down the stairs and into Jason’s arms who was already waiting for him.  They hung tightly to each other and they both had tears running down their faces.  “Don’t ever leave me again, Dad.” Michael cried out. 

 

“I promise.” Jason said, as he hugged him tighter. 

 

Carly was watching this with tears running down her cheeks. After seven years of loneliness and after seven years of really not knowing how she would live the next day without Jason, here she was seeing her son and the man that she would only love hug each other and bond again as father and son. The way it should have always been.

 

Suddenly she saw Jason’s hand reach out for her and she approached them slowly. As soon as she got within reach Jason hugged her to his side and kissed her cheek lovingly, not letting go of the grasp he had on Michael.

 

They stood in that family embrace for a long time neither of them aware of how much time had transpired. Finally Michael lifted his head from Jason’s shoulders and smiled at his mom. “I want him to stay.”

 

It took me by surprise

When I saw you standing there

Close enough to touch

Breathing the same air

You asked me how I’d been

I guess that’s when I smiled and said just fine

Oh but baby I was lying

 

“Okay.” Carly said. Finally everything was going to be all right.  She had her family back and she wasn’t going to take anything for granted anymore. Jason loved her still and she loved him and they would take it from there.  No one would fuck with them ever again.

 

“I’m tired.” Michael finally said, yawning as he finished his sentence.  “Will you take me to my bed?” he said, turning to Jason.  “Mom you want to come?”

 

“No sweetie let your daddy tuck you in tonight.”  Carly said, as she kissed his cheek. “I love you mister man.”

 

“I love you.” Michael said, as he kissed her back.

 

Jason and Michael made their way up the stairs, Jason still carrying him in his arms. She smiled at the simplicity of it all.

 

What I really meant to say

Is I’m dying here inside

And I miss you more each day

There’s not a night I haven’t cried

And baby here’s the truth

I’m still in love with you

And that’s what I really meant to say

 

Who would have known that if she would just have said I loved you before she ran out of the hotel they would not have gone through this day of grief, but then again who knows how it would have turned out. The good thing is that they were together now and that they would be for the remainder of their days.

 

And as you walked away

The echo of my words

Cut just like a knife

Cut so deep it hurts

I held back the tears

Held on to my pride and watched you go

I wonder if you’ll ever know

 

There would be no more pride on her part or Jason’s from what she just saw. They were finally going to open their hearts completely to one another and take it from there. Where it would take them she would never know but one thing she was sure of, they were not going to run away from each other.

 

What I really meant to say

Is I’m really not that strong

No matter how I try

I’m still holding on

And here’s the honest truth

I’m still in love with you

And that’s what I really meant to say

 

They were both through with running and they were both tired of living one without the other. It was their time and no one was going to stop them now. It was going to be wonderful waking up in Jason’s arms day in and day out and she was never going to tire of thanking God for how lucky she was to have found him again.

 

She had it all now, a great son, a great job and Jason, Her life was finally complete and no one could touch them. 

 

Jason walked down the stairs interrupting her train of thought, “Where were you just now?” he asked.  “It seemed like you were miles away.”

 

“I was.” She said, “In my dreams I always wanted this day to happen and now that it’s true I don’t know if I’m dreaming or if it’s a reality.”

 

“It’s real Carly and I love you.”

 

“I love you.” She said, as she turned and kissed him deeply. “Upstairs?”

 

“Oh yeah.” He said, as he picked her up and made his way up the stairs.

 

That’s what I really meant to say …