~~The Verdict~~

He looked straight ahead as he was led into the courtroom. In the early days of the trial he would scan the crowd, frantically searching for her face, her eyes. But there was no point in looking anymore; he knew she wouldn't be there So he kept his gaze fixed, seeing nothing. The only person he made eye contact with was Alexis when she spoke to him. He liked Alexis. She was the only one he really trusted besides Emily, or Roy and Sonny. He knew they were both here today, to hear his fate, to look at him with pity when the verdict was read. To say how sorry they were. He was going to die. He knew it with complete certainty as he took his seat behind the table. His hands shook slightly as Alexis leaned over to speak with him about the jurors, telling him he really ought to look at them, that she was encouraged that the verdict had come back so quickly, but he couldn't look. Didn't want to see the faces of the twelve people who were going to condemn him to die in a matter of moments.

Find me here

Speak to me

I want to feel you

I need to hear you

He'd had a fitful night waiting for the jury to come back with the verdict. He knew when he lay down on his cot that sleep would elude him. He knew it because it always came back at night, the thing he called the "darkness in his soul". It had always terrified him; but now he realized it wasn't the darkness, but the light that frightened him more. She'd done that for him. Made him see that the seemingly eternal darkness could be replaced by light. He was afraid that he might never see it again, or worse, that she might not ever see it in him again. The thought of a life without Emily was unbearable. Maybe death would be better. Then he wouldn't have to live with this terrible emptiness where she used to be.

He thought about her all the time now, thought about how beautiful she was, how strong and brave she'd been when he'd kidnapped her. He regretted every single wrong thing he'd done in his past, wanted to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness from all the innocent people he'd hurt. But he didn't regret kidnapping Emily. How could he? She was everything to him now. He remembered the fear in her eyes when he first took her, and he remembered the day that the fear was replaced by trust, and then later, something more, something neither of them could define.

He thought about how he felt that first time she'd hugged him and kissed him on the cheek, that time the cop came by when they were on the run and she had covered for him and pretended he was her boyfriend. He remembered the feel of her lips that had felt like fire on his cheek, how she felt in his arms for just that brief second, how he'd wanted her even then. Not only physically, but in every way that mattered. Wanted her as he'd never wanted anyone before. Oh, he'd had his share of women, but none of them had ever meant anything to him. Some of the sex had been good, he couldn't deny that, but it had been just that -- sex. A senseless act performed to achieve a release. He knew now that if he were ever freed from this prison hell, there was no way he could ever go back to that. Not even if he couldn't have Emily. Knew that the reason he'd always felt so empty inside afterwards was because there was no emotion involved.

Cause you're all I want

You are everything

Everything

He knew it the day Emily had kissed him for real, when he felt her sweet, warm lips against his, a kiss that had been hanging between them for a long time. He returned her kiss, told her how much she meant to him, and it scared her. It was wrong, he knew that now. It was too much too soon. But the kiss had meant something to her, too, that much he knew. He knew it from the look in her eyes, no matter how many times she told him that they could never be more than friends, that the kiss had been a mistake. And even though no one had ever looked at him the way she did that day, he damn well knew that the look in her eyes was telling him something far different than the words she was speaking.

But she'd gone away that day, and hadn't come back. She'd gone back to *him*; he knew it, though he never asked Alexis. He couldn't bear to have her confirm what he already knew in his heart. She'd gone back to the boyfriend she didn't love, who only wanted to control her, and to her safe place and her life with the family who loved her. He wondered what it would have been like to grow up rich and priveleged, like Emily, with parents who actually loved you and knew how to show it as an added bonus.

He didn't hear the judge instructing him to stand, only felt Alexis coaxing him to rise to his feet. He clenched his jaw, felt the panic setting in. Oh, God help me, he thought, I don't want to die. I never cared before, but now -- now I have something to live for. The waiting was unbearable; he didn't think he could take another minute of it. He heard the judge asking the jury if they had reached a verdict, but his voice sounded so far away. He felt like he was going to pass out. He put his head down, felt his knees go weak as the seconds ticked by, waiting, waiting -- for the verdict to be read. The darkness was back. It had replaced whatever light had seeped through as he'd thought about Emily.

You are the strength

That keeps me walking

You are the hope

That keeps me trusting

You are the life

To my soul

You are my purpose

You're everything

He felt her presence behind him in the instant before he felt her hand on his arm, fekt her warm breath in his ear as she whispered, "I'm here." He felt something explode in his chest and his heart beat wildly when he heard her voice, smelled her familiar scent. He couldn't look at her, not now, not yet, or he knew he would lose it. He felt her hand as it gently slid down his arm, and her small, warm fingers intertwined with his own cold ones. He closed his eyes against the sensation and grasped her hand tightly as he waited, praying.

And how can

I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me

How could it be

Any better than this

From somewhere in the distance he heard Alexis' voice and he thought he was dreaming. "Zander! Didn't you hear? We won. You're free to go." He felt her hand on his arm, but everything was surreal and he felt as if he were moving in slow motion.

"What? What did you say?"

He heard Emily's voice from behind him, felt her hand pulling at his, "Zander, you won. You're innocent." Finally he turned around and looked into her eyes, saw the tears streaming down her face, tears of happiness.

He whispered, "Emily..." and felt her hand on his face, felt her pulling him toward her, felt himself dissolving into her arms and everything else disappeared. There was only Emily.

Suddenly there was some commotion and he heard Sonny's voice. "Zander, we made it, but we have to get you out of here. There's press everywhere. I've got two limos waiting by the back entrance. Let's go...now."

He nodded as he pulled away from Emily and turned to Alexis, finally finding his voice, "Thank you, I don't know what else to say."

"Thank you is actually quite sufficient." She smiled and put her arms around his neck to hug him. He managed to hug her back while still holding Emily's hand. "You go. I'll be in touch later."

Sonny's voice was urgent. "Come on, we have to go now."

You calm the storms

You give me the rest

You hold me in your hands

You won't let me fall

You still my heart

And take my breath away

Would you take me in

Would you take me deeper now

Sonny, Roy and Alexis were in one limosine and Zander and Emily in the other. Sonny had explained that he was sure they would want some time alone after the verdict was read.

Zander was quiet in the limo, staring straight ahead, his hands on his knees, one leg nervously jumping, watching Sonny's limo ahead of them, wondering where they were going. Emily studied him, noticing the clench of his jaw, the tension in his body. "Zander, are you okay?" She reached out and touched his arm but pulled it away quickly when he jumped.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

"No, no, I'm sorry." He looked at her apologetically. "I'm just kind of jumpy right now."

She smiled. "You're free, Zander. You don't have to be jumpy anymore."

He laughed nervously before turning to face her. "All this..." He swept his hand around the limo. "I'm not used to it, that's all. I'm not used to people being nice to me. Sonny...you know...he didn't have to do this."

"Trust me, if he didn't want to do it, he wouldn't have. He cares about you, Zander. And he believed in you enough to have faith that you'd be acquitted. That's why he had the limos waiting. There are a lot of people who care about you, you know." She hesitated for a minute before tentatively laying her hand on his arm again. "Most of all me."

He nodded, looking into her eyes as he pursed his lips, his chin quivering, until finally he could no longer hold back the tears. She reached up and pushed a strand of hair out of his eye, and her touch was so soft, so gentle, so full of caring, that something broke inside him, something he'd been holding in for a long time and he began to cry, cry as he hadn't done since he was a child, deep, wracking sobs. He covered his face with his hands, trying to stop, muttering that he was sorry, over and over again. Finally he felt her put her arms around him, pulling him toward her so his head was in her lap, stroking his hair, telling him it was okay, to just let it all out.

After a while he felt himself calming and sat up, looking at her tentatively, embarrassed.

She put her hands on his face, wiping the tears away as she did. "Zander, it's okay."

He nodded. "Emily, you know it seems like such a long time ago that I came back here and asked you to go on the run with me. I knew then that you wouldn't, that you couldn't even if you wanted to."

She looked down at her hands, "Part of me wanted to, even then."

"But it was wrong of me to ask you. I know that now. I should have just stayed away and left you alone, let you live your life, be happy. But I couldn't, you know. I missed you. God, did I miss you. I'd never missed anyone before, not like that. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I had to see you again. I didn't care about the risk. I'm just so sorry that I put you through all of this."

"You didn't put me through anything, Zander. I wanted to help you."

"I thought I'd never see you again."

"I know. I'm sorry, but they wouldn't let me see you again, or send word to you. I'm so sorry. I thought about you every day."

"How did you get out today?"

She smiled. "Today is my eighteenth birthday and they can't tell me what to do anymore."

His eyes widened. "Your birthday?"

"Yes. And you've given me the best present I could ever have asked for." He turned away from her, his expression serious. "What? What's wrong?"

"I don't know...I mean, I don't know what this means, Emily, you being here with me like this." He turned to her. "The last thing I want to do is pressure you, but I have to know."

"Well, it means just that, that I'm here with you. I'm right where I want to be, where I've wanted to be. But I can't really think about the future, you know. I need to take things a day at a time."

"What about your boyfriend?"

She shook her head. "He hasn't been my boyfriend, not in any real way, since before you kidnapped me."

Zander sighed then, relieved, and finally turned back to face her, smiling. "Does this mean you're finally willing to admit what we've both known for a long time, or at least since that day you kissed me?"

"I think so...I mean, yes...but, Zander..."

"Look, I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I've got to get my life together and that's not something that's going to happen overnight. I don't have a job, or any real prospect for one. And there's the whole issue of your family not liking me."

"Well, we have Alexis and Ned on our side. Oh, and my grandmother. I can't wait for you to meet her."

"Can we hold off on that for a while? After all you've told me about her, I'd like to be a bit more respectable before I meet her."

"Okay, but don't make it too long. She really wants to meet you."

He nodded. "So where are we going? I don't even have a place to live, you know."

"Yes, you do. Roy has an extra bedroom. He said you could stay with him until you find a job and get on your feet."

Zander let out a deep breath. "I'm kind of overwhelmed right now."

"I know you are, but it will get easier. We'll find a way to get through it all, Zander, I promise we will."

"I don't know how to thank you for believing in me, for caring about me."

She smiled as she put her arms around his neck and pulled him to her, and they held each other for a long time. When he finally pulled away and looked into her eyes and whispered, "Happy birthday", he saw the three things he'd always yearned for, but had never found in his life. He saw love and desire and hope. And in the sweet, blissful moment before his lips met hers, he closed his eyes and thanked a God he thought he no longer believed in; thanked him for his life, for his freedom, and for Emily.

Would you tell me

How could it be better than this

Cause you're all I want

You are everything

Everything

~~ The End ~~

2 December 2000

Song: "Everything" by Lifehouse. Words and music by: Jason Wade