Chapter 1
I
walked around the playground, trying to keep my eye on all fourteen kids in my
class, especially the new little boy, Chase. I hadn't seen him come in this
morning, but the teacher I worked with told me he came in with the birds, first
thing when the day care opened, and he did not want his daddy to leave him. He
seemed happy enough now, running around throwing woodchips at the other kids,
stealing toys and acting like every other two-year-old.
"Chase!"
Miss Emily called to the boy every two or three minutes. "Please try to
remember we need to be nice to our friends." Chase would look up at her,
his blue eyes full of mischief, he'd smile, and turn around to hit one of his
classmates. Emily would just glare at him for a second or two, not having the
heart to put him in time-out on his first day.
"Come
'ere, you!" I caught Chase in my arms and held him. "What do you
think you're doing terrorizing the other kids like that? Don't you want them to
like you?"
"I
want my daddy," he patted my head with a soft touch, like an angel or a
butterfly landing in my hair. The sensation crashed through me nearly throwing
me back four years to...No! I would not think of that now!
I
closed my eyes and put Chase on his feet. My head was swimming, swirling like a
whirlpool. "Em, I'm gonna run to the bathroom."
"Okay,"
Emily smiled and went to see why Courtney was crying. Chase was standing beside
her, he had probably hit her. I just shook my head and started for the door. I
felt like I was about to pass out from the sudden roaring in my head.
"I
come with you!" a tiny voice called out to me. I had hoped to sneak out
before she knew I was going. I should have known better.
I
turned back at the door, holding it open with my foot and leaning into it
because I felt like I needed it to keep me from melting into a puddle on the
floor. "No, baby. I'm going to the big-girl potty. You stay here with Miss
Emily."
"Mommy!
Take me with you!" my daughter pleaded me, her bright eyes wide with the
fear of being left behind. Her father's eyes.
I
closed my eyes briefly, and his face popped into my mind. I hit my forehead
against the door and looked down at the child, his last gift to me. "Stop
it, Angel. Mommy will be right back."
"Liz?"
Emily came toward me holding Courtney. "Are you all right? You look a
little pale."
I
nodded. I know the only reason she said something was because I snapped at
Loren. "I just need to get a drink and I'll be all right."
Emily
put Courtney down, much to her dismay, and picked Loren up. I thanked her with
a smile and a soft kiss on Loren's cheek, then I slipped through the door
ignoring my daughter's cries to go with me.
I
went to the bathroom and just stood there leaning on the counter, supporting
myself on my arms. I was shaking and disoriented, all because a little kid
touched my hair. But it felt like...it felt the same as when...No!
No!
I screamed and slammed my palm on the counter top. I will not think of him! I
will not! "Damn you, Lucky Spencer!" I screamed at my reflection in
the mirror then hit my knees on the bathroom floor.
Chapter 2
I
don't know how long I stayed in the bathroom, leaning on the counter fighting
tears, but it wasn't very long, and certainly not long enough. I wanted to hide
in there forever, or go home and crawl under the covers of the bed where Lucky
and I had shared. I needed to be alone with my thoughts and dreams, with the
memories of Lucky.
Lucky
Spencer had been my knight in shining armor. He had saved me from myself, he
had given me back my life when I thought I didn't want to live another day. He
had held my heart and my soul in his hands, he had healed me and made me whole,
he had promised me forever, and then he had vanished without a trace.
I'd
gone to bed that night right after dinner because I didn't feel well. I wasn't
eating much, and what I did eat didn't stay down long. Lucky begged me to go to
a doctor, I promised him I would, if I wasn't better by morning. He just rolled
his eyes, and I kissed him goodnight. There was a note on the table when I
woke, he'd gone to the store and he'd be back soon.
He
never came back. He never came back, and I never got to tell him I wasn't sick.
I was pregnant, with his child. I didn't get to see his face light up when he
found out he was going to be a daddy. I didn't get to feel his arms around me
when he told me he loved us, me and the baby, our child.
All
that had been ripped away from me. My baby girl would never know her daddy, and
it wasn't fair! It just was not fair! Lucky would have been such a great
father, and Loren would have been the biggest Daddy's Girl this world ever saw.
He would have adored her, he would have made sure she felt like a queen. And
she would have made his life complete.
When
I stumbled back to the playground, Emily was bent down tying Chase's shoes. She
looked at me over her shoulder and smiled, then stood up with Chase in her
arms. Loren ran to me and I stooped down to pick her up. "How's my girl?"
"A
better question would be how are you?" Emily asked, coming toward me. I
tried to look at her, but Chase...I couldn't tear my eyes from the child's
face...it was Lucky...he looked exactly like Lucky! Those were Lucky's
beautiful blue eyes staring at me, that nose, that mouth...Lucky...
"Get
that kid away from me!" I closed my eyes and leaned my head onto Loren's
chest.
"Elizabeth?
What's wrong?" Emily patted my shoulder.
I
looked up and met her eyes. "You'll think Ive finally lost it, but here
goes." My eyes shifted to the child Emily held. Chase...Chase...what was
his last name? I didn't even know. "When I picked him up a few minutes ago
and he touched my hair...it was like it was Lucky...Like Lucky was talking to
me through this child. Look at him, Em! Look at his face, his
eyes...everything!"
"Elizabeth..."
"Emily!
Look at him!" I screamed and held Loren up beside him. "These two
look like they could be twins!"
"Elizabeth,
Lucky is dead."
"We
don't know that for sure! We don't know what happened to him!" I pulled
Loren back and buried my face in her chest.
"Elizabeth..."
After
a minute or two and several deep breaths, I looked up, tears streaking my face.
Loren wiped my face with her tiny hands. "Don't cry, Mama," she
whispered, which only made me cry harder.
"Go," Emily jerked her head toward the door. I nodded and carried Loren inside. I went to sit at one of the tables with Loren in my lap and attempted to get myself put back together.
Chapter 3
I
was lucky to be working with my best friend, and one of Lucky's best friends
too. Emily knew I was really freaked out, and even if she didn't understand it,
she was sympathetic. She took over most of the classroom responsibilities for
the rest of the day and scolded me like I was one of the kids if she thought I
was doing too much. Mostly I just sat and held Loren, and of course she loved
the one on one time with me and shoved away any other kid that dared come to
me.
I
was both drawn to Chase and afraid to get near him. I looked on our class
roster to find out his last name, it was Stevens. Stevens, not Spencer. I
couldn't decide if the knot in my stomach meant I was relieved or disappointed.
Or maybe just too confused to think straight.
I
started feeling butterflies in my gut right about quarter to five. Emily was
singing with the children, all of them in a badly formed circle on the floor,
except Loren in my lap and a couple of the really young kids that didn't have
the attention span for group time. Well, to be honest, none of them had the
attention pan for group time, but most of them would at least try to
participate.
I
stood up with Loren and started pacing the room. Emily looked up at me, but
didn't say anything. I was thankful for that, and told her so with a quick nod.
My
breath stopped in my throat when he walked through the door, and I nearly
dropped Loren. "Lucky!" I whispered, my voice hoarse from the shock
of seeing him. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry or beat him senseless for
leaving me.
Emily
stopped me before I attacked him. Instead it was Chase he took into his arms.
It should have been me! The child laughed and wrapped his little arms around
the man's neck.
"Mr
Stevens," Emily approached him, warning me to keep my distance with a
sideward glance. "Chase had a great day. He adjusted very well."
The
man, Mr Stevens, LUCKY!, nodded. "I knew he would."
My
heart sped up at the sound of his voice, Lucky's voice. "Lucky!" I
said again, and I heaved Loren back up into my arms to hold her properly. Lucky
hadn't even looked at me, and I was really struggling to keep myself from
throwing Loren down and running to him.
It
was him! I knew it was! I would know my Lucky anywhere, even after three and a
half years with nothing but the memories. I knew his face better than i knew my
own name, and this man, this Mr Stevens was my Lucky.
How
could Emily talk to him like he was just some guy off the street? Didn't she
see it was her best friend from high school? Lucky Spencer had been the first
friend Emily found when she moved to Port Charles after her mother died, and
for a long time, he was her only friend. I had often wondered why those two
never fell in love, but then I knew it was because Lucky was made to be my soul
mate, and Emily's friend.
"Mr
Stevens," Emily half turned to me, "this is Elizabeth Webber."
Chapter 4
He
turned enough to look at me and offered his hand. I searched his face, his eyes
were bright and blue just as Lucky's had always been, but without the spark of
Lucky, without even a hint of recognition. I reached out to shake his hand,
because I didn't know what else to do, and it felt so right.
"Are
you all right, Miss...Elizabeth?" He asked, and I nearly hit the floor.
The lilt in his voice when he said my name...Elizabeth...Lucky always had a
special way of saying it. My heart and soul screamed inside, because I knew
this was my Lucky, but it was not my Lucky...Something awful must have happened
to him that night...
Emily
walked around me to get the daily report she had done for Chase, a detailed
account of our class activities. I bet she forgot to mention how freaked out
Miss Elizabeth was seeing this child, a miniature of her lost love. And here
was the real thing, three and a half years later...Staring at me like I was insane...and
maybe I was.
"I'm...I'm
just not feeling well today." I knew this man was my Lucky, and nothing
and no one would ever convince me otherwise. Not even the blank look on his
face, a look that clearly said he had no clue who I was, no memory of our time
together, when we had been so much in love and so sure we would be together
forever.
"I'm
sorry to hear that." He reached up and patted my shoulder, then turned to
take the paper from Emily. "Thank you."
Emily
nodded. "We'll see you tomorrow. Have a good night, Chase."
He
was walking away, walking just like Lucky. I was still feeling his hand,
Lucky's hand, on my shoulder. I put my own hand where his had been, half
expecting to feel the heat from his touch. I wanted to go after him, but Emily
grabbed me around the waist and held me back. "Stop it."
"It's
Lucky! That's Lucky and you're telling me to stop it! Let go! Let me go!"
I screamed at her, struggling to break her hold on me. Loren was clinging to my
neck, crying and trembling, not knowing what was going on. I closed my eyes and
gave a deep sigh. "You think I'm crazy, don't you?"
"No.
I think you're so in love with Lucky and you just can't let him go. But,
Elizabeth, he's gone. You know that."
"No!"
I screamed, my voice out of control. I was on the edge of tears myself, and
Emily taking Loren from me didn't help any.
"Mr.
Stevens looks a little like him, and Chase looks a little like Loren, but
Elizabeth, lots of people have blue eyes and..."
"No!"
I slapped my palms against my forehead. "Mr Stevens IS Lucky! He was just
in this room. He is right out there in the parking lot putting Chase in a car
seat right now!" and with that I flew out of the room.
"Elizabeth!"
Emily ran to the door, but she couldn't leave the children in the room, she
couldn't come after me.
I
got to the front door just in time to see him slip into the driver's seat of
his shiny red jeep. Lucky had always wanted a red jeep. He looked over his
shoulder then pulled out of the parking space. My heart sank knowing I was too
late to stop him, but my eyes followed him until he was out of sight.
"Lucky!" I reached my hand out, like I was reaching for him, and when
my knees gave out, I hit the pavement hard. "Lucky! Come back! Lucky!"
"Come
on, girl." I heard the voice and knew it was Emily pulling me to my feet,
fixing her hands under my arms and leading me back to the room, but in my mind
it was Lucky, picking me up off the floor the night I got the call that my
sister Sarah had died in an accident. Sarah and I had never been close, in fact
we had been fighting over Lucky at the time, but I had never wanted her dead,
and I took her death very hard. Lucky had helped me through that horrible
blackness, and it was similar to the way I was feeling now.
"I've
got you," Emily and Lucky's voices mixed in my head. I knew it was Emily,
Lucky was gone, but...but...but I couldn't let him go. I would never let him
go!
"Mommy!"
Loren latched onto my leg. Dear God, what was I doing to my baby girl? Lucky's
girl. I pulled away from Emily and picked her up. She fell against my shoulder,
burying her face right where Lucky...Mr Stevens...had touched me.
"Shh,
baby. Mama's here now. It's okay." I rubbed her back, a technique that
calmed me as much as it calmed her.
Chapter 5
Emily
was afraid to let me go home alone at the end of the day, and insisted we leave
my car at the day care. She drove me home to get a few things for Loren and
myself, and we told Loren we were going to have a sleep over with Aunt Emily
and Uncle Nikolas.
"Yay!"
Loren clapped her chubby little hands together. Even when she was very small
she had always loved to go to Aunt Emily and Uncle Nikolas' house. Nikolas
would take her on his knee and play with her, seemingly as tireless as she.
Sometimes
I think Nikolas needed Loren as much as I did. He loved to spend time with her
because she was Lucky's child and she reminded him so much of his brother. He
missed Lucky so much, sometimes he couldn't bear the thought of never seeing
him again. They were just starting to get close and then Lucky was gone. Being
with Loren made him feel close to Lucky. She looked so much like him and had
those same deep blue eyes, Lucky's eyes.
I
thought briefly of the night Nikolas and I had sat in the kitchen all night
long, talking about life and love and Lucky. We had talked about Loren, and I
will never forget the sound of his voice when he told me Loren's smile sent
shivers up his spine. "When she smiles that sweet smile of hers, I swear I
can see Lucky in there, living in her."
I
swear I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces then. Until that moment, I
had never really even thought about how broken and alone Nikolas was without
his brother. I made a conscious effort after that night to make sure Nikolas
felt like an important part of Loren's life. She might never see her father in
the flesh, but she could have the next best thing, she could have his brother.
Nikolas
assumed the role of father figure for Loren, without trying to take Lucky's
place. Loren and I spent most of our time away from the day care with Aunt
Emily and Uncle Nikolas, and Loren loved every minute of it, because as long as
Uncle Nikolas was around, she could get away with just about anything.
Nikolas
came out of the house when we pulled into the drive. Loren started clapping
again, and kicking her feet. "Uncle Nikki!" she called out, grinning
from ear to ear.
Nikolas
opened the door, smiled at me, leaned in to kiss his wife, then freed Loren
from the restraints of her car seat. She locked her arms around his neck and he
squeezed her just as intensely. "How's my favorite girl?"
"I'm
fine, thanks for asking." Emily climbed out of the car and kissed Nikolas
over Loren's head.
"Uncle
Nikki! My daddy comed to school today!" Loren announced. Nikolas looked up
at me, and met my eyes. I closed mine and took a deep breath to keep myself
under control.
"What
do you mean, baby?" Nikolas kissed her cheek, but was still looking at me.
"Hims
made Mama upset."
"We'll
talk," Emily whispered and touched Nikolas's shoulder as she passed him on
her way to the front door. Nikolas waited for me to come around the car and we
walked up to the house together, he held Loren on one arm and draped the other
over my shoulder.