"We're ready. Oh yeah, baby. Try to stop me." Jaoullin boasted.
"Bring it on!" Eyesoar cheered.
"Ready when you are." Norman said quietly.
"Of course." Bechno said with a twirl of his moustache. The five men, human, Dwarf, and Winger alike, prepared for the most difficult task of their careers. Of their adult lives.
"Are you absolutely sure? We've never been able to pull this off before..." Scotch said. Everyone nodded slowly. They were ready for the horribly daunting task ahead of them.
Sadly, none of the above dialogue had anything to do with the big kidnapping that Bell's Bandits had planned. No, they were merely charging ineptly into a daily spectacle that they liked to call, "Making Breakfast".
That's what most people called it, anyway. Ronnie preferred to call it, "A Horrible Mess". But so began the day for Bell's Bandits, trying to do what they had been trying to do since they joined the crew. Make breakfast. They still couldn't, of course.
"Wow, Bechno...I really don't recall pancakes ever looking like that..." Norman remarked.
"Shove it, you smart-ass. I know much more about pancakes than you." the grizzled dwarf replied.
"Something's burning, can you help me over here?!" Eyesoar cried. Jaoullin held up a banana.
"Heh, do you know what this reminds me of? Heh heh." he chuckled, peeling the banana and attempting to add it to whatever salad-like concotion that Scotch was working on. The 'Sunshine Knight' then carelessly cast the banana peel behind him, right where Bechno happened to stepping at the moment.
"Now where did I set thaaaaaaaaauuuughh!!" the dwarf cried, as he tumbled head over heels into a large bag of flour, which proceeded to explode all over the kitchen area. Eyesoar threw some at Norman, and suddenly there was a full-on war, salad, flour and pancake mix flying everywhere.
"We've failed again---it's out of control!" Scotch shouted. "Abort! Abort!"
"I see you guys are far worse than usual this morning. Anxiety getting to you?" came an all-to-familiar female voice from the doorway. Everyone froze. A particularly gooey piece of pancake fell with a resounding splat onto the floor.
"B-boss! We can explain!" Eyesoar cried.
"We'll clean up the mess!" Scotch assured her.
"It was all their fault. Ridiculous children...I tried to stop them." Bechno claimed. Ronnie laughed a hearty laugh. If there was anyone in the whole world who she enjoyed striking fear into the hearts of the most, it was her own men.
"You guys are acting like sniveling children. Shape up!" she commanded. They all nodded gravely, going about the business of cleaning up. Ronnie laughed again.
"For gods' sake, you guys...by now, you should know I'm not seriously mad at you. You make a terrible mess every day. Now, if one of those handfuls of flour had hit me, you all would be dead." She winked at them, but only some of the bandits laughed. They could never be sure if she was joking or not.
"I sure hope the lot of you are ready for the job tonight, though." Ronnie said, sobering up. "Fargolon Manor will surely have some stiff security."
"Security, bah." Eyesoar said, unconcerned. She gave him the evil eye.
"You can fly. Ground security won't count as far as you're concerned...but the rest of us have to go through it." she said sternly. The young Winger nodded. Ronnie looked around at the messy kitchen.
"Maybe we should kidnap a cook along with the girl, just in case." she said, walking out.
******
Finally, after a somewhat tense day in the hideout, dusk approached, and with it, the cover they needed to enter the mansion. First, the bandits involved with the job assembled in Ronnie's chamber, since the main chamber was being used by the other bandits for other activities, and it would've been tedious to vacate it.
"Okay, let's make sure we have everything, then." Ronnie pocketed some lovely brass knuckles (stolen, of course) that she would use in a tense situation. As always, her Hate Rune was equipped and ready. Jaoullin had the Star Ostrich Sword at his side, along with his old armor. Whatever it was that Norman used was concealed somewhere in his dusty blue tunic. Bechno had his trusty hand-axe, and Eyesoar carried several daggers on him. They also packed ropes and the like, anything that seemed useful in entering the mansion. Then they set out.
There were many aristocratic settlements around Moravia Castle, but there wasn't actually a name for the place, or an official town. For one, Ronnie thought, all the conceited rich people would all insist on it being named after THEM. They would never compromise on such a matter. Fargolon Manor was a huge structure north of Moravia Castle, away from the watchful eyes of the Northern Checkpoint and Kasim Hazil. It towered above the bandits, its huge towers, terraces and gardens illuminated by the moonlight. There were some guards patrolling the main gate, but around the perimeter there were few.
Ronnie crept up to the huge wall surrounding the mansion and signaled. Eyesoar kept a steady watch as Bechno tossed the rope over and secured it. One by one, the bandits scaled the wall. They were in.
"Wow...this place is huge...almost as big as the castle!" Eyesoar said excitedly.
"'Cept we don't get to rob the castle, so this is as good as it gets." Jaoullin said, cracking a smile.
"How are we goin' in, boss?" Scotch inquired from beside Ronnie. She glanced at him, his face lit up by the garden torches and the moonlight. With his apparent lack of facial hair and baby-face, Ronnie could swear the guy never hit puberty. She scanned the grounds.
"We should probably look for a side entrance, or low balcony before we scale any more huge walls." Ronnie said, smiling at Eyesoar. Jaoullin's hand went to the SOS.
"I say we bust in the front door." he said eagerly.
"I think not. You know that's a good way to die." she replied icily.
"A low balcony seems like the best way. I haven't seen any side doors so far." Norman put in. Ronnie nodded, and they split up to look for one---Ronnie, Scotch, and Bechno went to the right; Norman, Jaoullin and Eyesoar to the left.
Ronnie, Scotch and Bechno came upon no balconies, and no side doors. They did find, however, a brightly lit building that was not part of the main house. For one, it was made out of material that would still put someone back several thousand bits, but still wasn't as fancy as the main structure.
"Maybe that's a shed or something..." Scotch remarked.
"Aye, but it looks pretty suspicious...perhaps we'd best stay away from it." the dwarf said. Ronnie shrugged.
"I'm going to check it out. Keep watch and be ready to run or assist me." she said, creeping up to a window. From the sounds inside, there seemed to be some people within. It seemed best to stay back. Ronnie turned to go, but the door flung open, and two men came out and saw her.
"Aha! Thought we heard somethin' out here." said the first man.
"What are you doin' here, pretty girl? You one of the new maids or somethin'?" the second one said. These guys were clearly just some punk guards.
"I'm just browsing." Ronnie said tightly.
"Oh...you in need of a man, baby? There's plenty around here!" said the first man slyly. Ronnie's eyes narrowed. The anger welled up, concentrated into her hand.
"No, I don't need any men." she said darkly.
"Aw, come on. A big girl like you should know when there's a quality offer aimed her way. And I do mean 'big'." the second chuckled.
"That does it. You pigs are gonna sleep for a long time." Ronnie said, raising her hand and blasting the first man with her Hate Rune. The high-pitched squeal echoed across the grounds as her firey bullet knocked the man against the building. She turned to the second guard and effortlessly blew him away too. They deserved it. After all, they had pissed her off. Not to mention the 'big' remark.
Scotch and Bechno heard the echoing screech from the bushes.
"Boss has gone and done it again..." Scotch sighed.
Meanwhile, the other group was having far better luck. They had found a balcony almost right away, plus, a maid had appeared, and before she could do so much as scream, Jaoullin had seduced her into telling them where Pauline Fargolon's bedchambers were. After rewarding the maid with the kiss he promised her, Jaoullin had moved on with Norman and Eyesoar and was now tying a rope to the balcony.
"There...the rope's secured and the door's open. We can get in from here." Jaoullin said, looking with satisfaction at his partner.
"Eyesoar, can you go tell the boss for us? We'll keep watch here." Norman asked. Eyesoar nodded and half-flew, half-skipped down the rope and through the fountain-filled gardens back to where Ronnie had gone. A few minutes later, he ran back with a look on his face that meant trouble. Bechno, Scotch and Ronnie were dashing frantically after him.
"What's going on?!" Jaoullin asked. Eyesoar and the others scrambled up the rope.
"Boss just took two guards out, and prolly alerted the rest of the manor's security in the process!" the young winger reported excitedly.
"All right, enough." Ronnie snapped. "So I lost my temper. It ain't the end of the world, but it will be if we get caught. Move! Now!" The frantic bandits all ran inside the manor. Once inside the posh, carpeted corridor, Ronnie looked at Jaoullin.
"So, where's the girl's chambers?" she asked him. He looked surprised.
"How'd you know that we knew that??" he asked.
"You have lipstick on your face." she said perceptively. "You surely found out something." The Sunshine Knight grinned sheepishly.
"Uh, it's in the east wing. And boy, do you know me." he said.
"You know I do." she said thoughtfully, gazing at him for a moment.
"Let's not stand here forever, surely someone will come along soon." Bechno urged. They ran down the halls and towards the east wing. Luckily, anyone who might have been patrolling seemed to be occupied out in the garden area where Ronnie had attacked the guards, but if they found where the bandits entered, it wouldn't last long. They ran as quietly as possible down the carpeted hallways (the carpeting was a big help) and into the east wing.
"Third room from the right." Norman puffed as they ran. They all cautiously pushed open the door and entered. Eyesoar and Bechno stayed outside to keep watch.
Inside the room, it smelled heavily of a feminine perfume. Fancy outfits and jewelry lined the walls. It was definitely the right room. On the four-poster bed, sleeping behind lacy curtains, was a girl, in her late teens-to early twenties. She had lustrous black hair, tinted green. She was garbed in an expensive silk nightgown, and even in sleep she wore makeup. Even ladies' man Jaoullin seemed struck by her appearance. The men all gathered around her bed as if she was Sleeping Beauty. Luckily Ronnie was there.
"Well? Grab her. And make sure you have the sedative in case she resists." Ronnie ordered. Jaoullin and Norman hoisted her into the air---and she woke up.
"W-what is this?! I demand to know what's going on here! Put me down!" she cried.
"Quick, Scotch," Ronnie said. "The sedative." Her second-in-command patted himself over frantically.
"Dammit! I....think I lost it outside." he said. Ronnie cursed.
"We'll do without it, then...but we have to be extra careful." she said.
"You had better be careful, whoever you are! Did Cortueaz let you in here? This is expensive carpeting! Get your grimy boots off it!" Pauline demanded.
"You are Pauline Fargolon, right?" Norman asked.
"Of course I am, you brutes! How dare you question my authority! And *gasp* Get your dirty hands off of me! Who KNOWS where they've been!!" she cried angrily, writhing in the grip of the two men. They cautiously set her down. It wasn't as if she could escape while Bechno and Eyesoar guarded the door. Pauline blinked, as something belatedly dawned on her.
"Are you kidnapping me?" she inquired suspiciously.
"A few bricks short of a load, are we?" Norman said. "Of course we're kidnapping you. Why else would we be in your bedchamber in the dead of night?" He seemed to be recording the lines in his head, surely so he could apply it to some poetry.
"Oh, eeeeek!" Pauline half-screamed, perfectly rehearsed of course. She had obviously taken some sort of drama classes. She looked ready to faint, but stopped, examining the carpet. She stamped her foot, enraged.
"JEEVES!" she called, and Ronnie cursed her again. At this rate the whole mansion would be upon them. Despite bewildered looks from Bechno and Eyesoar, a graying man, obviously some sort of butler, made his way into the room. He rushed over to Pauline.
"Yes, my Lady?" he inquired.
"This carpet has dirt on it. I REFUSE to faint on a dirty carpet!!" shouted Pauline angrily.
"Yes, my Lady, I'll take care of it, right away." Jeeves said, producing a brush from nowhere and painstakingly brushing the granules of dirt out of the thick carpet.
"Satisfactory, my Lady?" he inquired. She nodded, and proceeded to faint. The condition of the carpet hardly seemed to matter, seeing how Jeeves caught her before she hit the floor. Ronnie had a feeling that Pauline never intended to make it as far as the floor anyway, but had still made the butler clean the carpet. After a moment, the girl awakened again and stood up next to Jeeves. She gazed at the bandits with a superior glance.
"Now, listen here. Surely you realize the futility of kidnapping such a fine, upstanding woman as me. No matter what petty demands you make, it will merely be pocket change to my father, who loves me more than life itself. So, go back to your grimy little hole immediately, and I will consider not notifiying the authorities." Pauline said with a dismissive wave of her hand. Ronnie's fists clenched. Before she could smash the snobby bitch's face, however, Jaoullin merely threw the woman over his shoulders and started for the door.
"Stop this at once! I refuse to be kidnapped without my butler!!" Pauline shrieked, beating her hands on Jaoullin's armor. Jeeves sighed and allowed himself to be tied up and brought along.
"I have been kidnapped, my Lady. Is this satisfactory?" Jeeves asked, absolutely deadpan.
"For now." Pauline snapped. "Wait! I need my skin moisturizer lotion!"
"What on earth for?" Scotch inquired.
"To moisturize my skin, peon! I break out in a horrible rash whenever I encounter situations where I am not in complete control. See---it's starting already!!" she cried. Scotch reluctantly grabbed the lotion and they ran for the door.
"Trouble, boss." Bechno reported. "I hear lots o' footsteps headed this way. We'd better get our asses in gear!" Ronnie nodded, but Pauline scowled disapprovingly.
"Such foul language!" she scolded. Eyesoar, Norman, Bechno and Scotch started down the hallway. Jaoullin, with Pauline over his shoulder still, with Jeeves behind, stopped as Pauline gave a horrified cry.
"No! I don't have my ivory hair pin! I must have it!" she cried.
"No way." Ronnie replied. "You have enough things. Did you really think we planned on kidnapping your butler ??!"
"It's my grandmother's keepsake, and I refuse to be kidnapped WITHOUT it!" Pauline said, glaring.
"We aren't stopping." Ronnie said. Pauline scowled and began her full-on attack on Jaoullin.
"Ow-oowwww-ow-ow-OW! Ron, she's pullin' my HAIR! Ouch, you bitch!" Jaoullin cried painfully.
"Fine, I'll go back for the damned hairpin. You guys keep going!" Ronnie decided, turning back and running towards Pauline's room.
Ronnie ran into the room, frantically throwing open closets and jewelry boxes in search of the stupid ivory hair pin. She didn't know why she decided to turn back---maybe because Jaoullin would never stop whining about his pulled hair if she didn't. She, of course, took a few of the nicer pieces of jewelry she found, for safe keeping. After all, someone might steal them if she didn't look after them, she thought with a smile. Suddenly, she heard a 'chink' on the balcony. Someone else was climbing up with a grappling hook! She knew it wasn't anyone from her band, because they hadn't brought any grappling hooks this time. A body climbed up over the rim and flopped onto the balcony. He was a short, balding man wearing a mask over his eyes---as if that would really conceal his identity---and he was immediately followed by another man. This one was tall and skinny, and wore a cowboy hat along with the stupid eye-mask. Upon seeing them both, Ronnie recognized them, and her heart sank. It was the Dock Brothers, the two stupidest bandits in all of Moravia...probably in the whole world. They were ugly, stupid, most-likely-inbred alleyway scum. They somehow managed to occasionally pull off a correct crime, but mostly bungled everything. Ronnie wouldn't be surprised if they screwed each other for entertainment, since no woman would go near them. They saw Ronnie.
"There she is!" cried the short one. "Grab her, Hickory!"
"YOU grab her, Dickory." the tall one protested. "Duh...you said I get ta knock her out." Dickory Dock shrugged and advanced on Ronnie.
"What are you two idiots doing? I've already pulled this job, you're too late." she informed them. Hickory looked confused.
"I dunno whatcher talkin' bout, but we're gonna kidnap ya, Pauline!" Hickory said.
"Yeah, don't try to resist our manly charms." Dickory said. Ronnie screwed up her face. WHAT manly charms? Both their faces looked like they were beaten with an ugly stick!
"You dickhead!" she cried, for lack of a better word. "I'm not Pauline. I'm Ronnie Bell, the leader of Bell's Bandits!" Both brothers laughed.
"Oh, that's a good one!" chuckled Dickory. "Tryin' ta pull a fast one on us eh? We know Ronnie Bell too well."
"You don't know Ronnie Bell, or you'd know who I was!" Ronnie snapped.
"Ya know, Pauline, you're taller in person..." Hickory remarked stupidly. Ronnie sighed in exasperation.
"I don't have time for this. Screw the hairpin, I'm going!" Ronnie said, turning to go.
"Quick, Hickory, use that stuff we found in the garden!" Dickory cried. Ronnie turned around to see the tall thief whipping out a vial and throwing it at her.
As she lost consciousness, she recognized the vial as Scotch's sedative. Damn.
Now she was the captive of the two stupidest thieves in the world!
