"I'm fine, thank you," Phanny replied. "The thought of my Abraham is keeping me going, now that we're so close." She smiled, thinking of her True Love. Pearl was skipping down the path, far ahead of them. She paused to wait for them to catch up, then walked at a normal pace beside Fitcher.
"Fitchums," she said. "Are you sure you're all right with Bill?"
To tell the truth, Fitcher was still not completely comfortable with the pistol, which he had named Bill the previous day. Early this morning, before they set out for Radat, Agent Nok-Nok and Clinker had gone out into a clearing with him alone, and taught him the basic usage of the pistol, which he was still not sure he had down correctly. After the training, Nok-Nok and Clinker had teleported away, off to investigate other matters. Fitcher shrugged.
"It's not too bad, now. We haven't met up with any Voicers yet, so I'm fine." he told her.
Soon, they came upon a solitary wooden outhouse, standing by the road. It seemed somewhat out of place.
"I need to use this, mmkay?" Pearl said. "I'll be right out. ...Don't peek!" She opened the rickety wooden door, and shut it behind her. Phanny and Fitcher sat down on a large rock while they waited.
Suddenly, a horrified scream came from the outhouse. Instinctively, Fitcher jumped up and began running for the outhouse. Then he stopped.
"Uh, Phanny, do you think you could check it out....I mean, you're a girl, er, woman, and she might be having...um..." he stammered.
"Girly problems?" Phanny said, not hiding her smirk.
"Um, yeah..." Fitcher said sheepishly. Phanny nodded, and walked into the outhouse. A few moments later, she began shouting.
"Fitcher! Come quickly! Get a load of this huge hole!!" she yelled.
"For goodness sake, Phanny! Couldn't you keep it decent? I don't want to hear about that!!" he shouted back. There was silence for a moment.
"Not that hole, you pervert!" snapped Phanny. "I found a tunnel!" Fitcher felt himself turning red.
"I knew what you meant!" he lied, dashing over to the outhouse. Sure enough, right where a toilet would be was a large hole leading down.
"Did Pearl fall down it?" he wondered aloud.
"Obviously." Phanny noted, jumping into the hole. "Let's go!"
"Wait!!" Fitcher cried, leaping down after the old woman.
**************
Fitcher found himself in a dark chamber. The only light came from a giant spotlight that happened to be shining on him and Phanny. What on earth was it doing underground? He looked around, but the light was blinding him.
"So glad you could make it." came a thin voice from somewhere above him. He knew he had heard it somewhere before.
"What's going on here? Where's Pearl??" he demanded. Phanny looked extremely suspicious about the voice, as if she had heard it before too.
"You want Pearl?" the voice cackled, "Here's Pearl." Another spotlight came on, shining at something across the chamber. As soon as Fitcher's eyes adjusted, he saw what it was. Pearl was strapped, spread eagle, to an awful looking contraption. She was desperately struggling against her bonds, clad in an outfit so barely-there to describe it here would jack up the rating to NC-17, at least. Fitcher picked his eyes up off of the floor, after seeing the outfit.
"Oh, for heaven's sake, Fitcher!" Phanny cried. "Could you not ogle, for once?"
Suddenly, the bearer of the voice seemed to be choking on something.
"I'd know that nagging voice anywhere!" the voice cried. Suddenly the lights all snapped on at once, revealing a horrible mechanical laboratory. Fitcher finally saw the owner of the voice, as did Phanny.
"Doctor Badnooz!!!" Fitcher cried.
"Reeley!" Phanny exclaimed. "Oh, I should have known it was you!"
"And I should have known it was YOU." Badnooz exclaimed. Fitcher was confused.
"Wait a minute!" he cried. "Who's Reeley?" Phanny scowled a scowl that could kill if used properly.
"THAT'S Reeley. My ex-husband, Reeley Badnooz." Phanny indicated. Pearl screamed in absolute shock and horror.
"What?!" Fitcher cried. "Doctor Badnooz is your HUSBAND?" Phanny shrugged.
"I never meant to make any secret of it. I didn't give you my last name...which is Badnooz. And that's ex-husband." explained Phanny. Doctor Badnooz cackled viciously.
"Oh, the deception, Phanny! You never told them, just like we planned! You've learned well." He went into spasms of maniacal laughter. Phanny turned angrily to him.
"What on earth are you talking about, Reeley? Oh, I get it...you're trying to make it look like we've been in cahoots this whole time! Oh, how clich�! You always did lack originality..." she said. Badnooz turned an interesting shade of purple. "Don't mock me, woman! I own you! BAhahahahaha!" the evil genius raged. "And what's all this 'ex-husband' business? You're still MY wife! Go back to Lakewest, you naggy old bat! I'll deal with you when I get home!" Phanny then turned another interesting shade of purple. It was starting to look like a rainbow in there!
"Fitcher, give me your firearm." she said slowly. Fitcher stepped away from her.
"I don't think so..." he said.
"And you, Fletcher!" Badnooz cackled, turning to him. "I've been waiting to settle the score since Muse! At least I discovered, to my delight, your true job! For a minute there, I thought I had been beaten by a mere peasant!"
"That's Fitcher." he corrected.
"True job...?" Phanny remarked.
"That's right, nag! Little Filtcher here is actually an agent of the Muse Secret Spy Agency! You mean....you didn't know? Oh, the deception, Fithcer! You never told her, just like we planned! You've learned well." the mad doctor cackled, engaging in some more maniacal laughter.
"You really need to quit doing that." Fitcher said.
"Well, you can't stop me!" Badnooz laughed. "Now my evil plot will go into action! I can get those blueprints back, perfect the Rune Ray, destroy Muse, get rid of you and my nagging wife, and ogle Pearl before I fry her too! Waahahaha!" Fitcher leaned towards Phanny.
"Was he ever like this at home?" he whispered.
"Only when he ate bagels..." Phanny said, her eyes wide.
"Enough of this talk!" Badnooz snapped suddenly. He clapped his hands, and the Thugs of Muse appeared. "Thugs! Take Fletcher and suspend him over the giant pit of boiling substance. And as for my wife, throw her in the dungeon...I'll deal with her later." Before either Fitcher or Phanny could react, the thugs had swarmed in and restrained them both. A few of them hauled Phanny off to the dungeon. The rest of them tied Fitcher up, thankfully not frisking him for weapons, and suspended him above a large pit, which was indeed filled with some sort of boiling substance.
"You'll never get away with this!" Pearl piped up defiantly.
"So you told me, last time, my dear." Badnooz said with an evil smile. Pearl shut up and continued struggling against her bonds, which greatly distracted all the Thugs of Muse, due to the nature of her outfit.
"Badnooz!" Fitcher called.
"Speaking." Badnooz replied absently, adjusting his eyepatch to the other eye. It seemed that the eyepatch did not, in fact, cover some horrible disfigurement, but was merely a decoration.
"Why'd you do this, Badnooz? Just what are you trying to accomplish?" Fitcher asked. Badnooz laughed.
"I suppose it is time for you to learn all my secrets, then, before you die." he said matter-of-factly. "Very well then, where do I begin.....Hmm....I know...."
**********************
Reeley Badnooz
[New Leaf Academy, Greenhill]
Badnooz 1- Obligatory Villain Backstory
"Back in the Day," Badnooz began, "I was---"
"Wait! Stop! Forget I said anything!!" Fitcher cried, panicking. "No backstory! No backstory!!"
"Fine, Mister Party-Pooper." Badnooz said, pouting.
**********************
"In that case, I'll give you the brief version." Badnooz said. "I've been an evil genius all my life. I studied runes and majored in Industrial Megalomaniacs and minored in World Domination at New Leaf Academy. After going off to further my research in L'Renouille, I returned and was a teacher at Greenhill. But then they threw me out, because they said I was 'brainwashing the poor impressionable students'. As if that wasn't my whole intention! Besides, it was only a few, they hardly mattered. And now my plans are complete. I'll use a conventional rune with my machine to destroy Muse, and then my special rune to fry Greenhill! Then the world will be obliterated!" He then went into another healthy round of evil laughter.
"You'll never get away with this!" Pearl put in.
"Wait a minute..." Fitcher said. "Now, I know from experience that you're a complete nutball. So why then, if you plan to conquer the world with this rune-thing, would you only destroy two cities?"
"That's easy." Badnooz said. "First I will use a conventional rune on Muse to demonstrate my power. All will fear my evil genius, my horrible mind, and my good looks!" Pearl, Fitcher, and the Thugs of Muse all snorted at that. "Quit laughing, you idiots! It's all true! Anyway, after Greenhill has cowered in fear for an appropriate amount of time, I will turn my special rune on them, and destroy the world!" He cackled again.
"Special rune??" Fitcher asked worriedly, and not just because he was hanging over some boiling substance. "Do you mean a True Rune?"
"Ha! True Runes WISH they were this good!" Badnooz gloated. "No, this is a rune of my own creation, after years of research! One use, and an instant apocalypse will descend on the world! Greenhill is merely the point of heaviest impact!!"
"I think you've lost it, you fruitcake." Fitcher said. Badnooz scowled at him.
"You anger me, you pesky agent! Time to lower you into the drink! ....But first, let me introduce my lovely assistants!"
"Assistants? You mean, you're too far gone to lower me yourself?" Fitcher asked, incredulous.
"No, you fool! Every classy villain needs scantily-clad, cutely named female assistants!" he snapped. He clapped his hands three times.
Fitcher's eyes went to the doorway, where a woman had just walked in. She had short-cropped chocolate brown hair, and a smiling face. She wore a purple silk robe and red heels that clashed marvelously. She appeared concerned about something.
"My assistant, Empathy!" Badnooz announced proudly. Another woman entered. She had hair-colored hair that hung limply, like it didn't matter how it was arranged. Her facial features were "blah" and she looked absolutely bored. She wore a blah-gray pantsuit, and slouched slightly.
"And Apathy." Badnooz said much less enthusiastically. He sat there grinning evilly for a moment, then he did an angry double-take and turned on his assistants.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?! I specifically told you both to be wearing the skimpy matching outfits that Scantia Broad designed for you! I paid through the nose for those, and now you won't wear them?! What's wrong with you two?!" Badnooz berated.
"I'm sorry, sir..." Empathy apologized, eyes downcast. "But it's always so cold in here, and those outfits are freezing. I decided to put on something warmer......if it pleases you at all, I did wear the red heels..." She pointed at her red heels, which continued to clash with the purple robe. Badnooz eyed Apathy.
"What about you? Are you cold as well?" he demanded irritably.
"I don't care." Apathy declared loudly. The evil doctor threw up his hands, exasperated.
"Never mind then! Just kill that agent! Lower him into the boiling substance, immediately." he ordered. Apathy boredly walked over to where the rope was suspended and began to lower it in dutifully.
"No, not that way!" Badnooz cried. "You're doing it too fast! Where's the evil suspense in that? You have no style, Apathy!" Apathy shrugged.
"I don't care..." she said. Badnooz looked ready to explode.
"Empathy, you do it!" he commanded. Apathy shrugged and moved out of the way, yawning. Empathy walked over and took the rope. She began ever so slowly lowering it down, with carefully choreographed hand movements. Badnooz cackled.
"Perfect!" he laughed.
Fitcher became increasingly worried about the boiling substance that he was coming ever closer to. He had to find a way out of this situation, or he was going to die! He looked around frantically, and finally noticed something painfully obvious. To his right, about halfway down, was a small ledge, and a door in the wall of the pit marked "Exit". Now, Fitcher was sure it was there for situations just like his, although he had no idea why Badnooz would ever allow it to be installed. He began rocking back and forth, trying to reach the ledge. Luckily, Empathy didn't seem to notice the movement in the rope. He rocked faster and faster, almost-but-not-quite reaching the ledge.
"Damn!" he swore. "Just a little more..." He gave it one last swing, and finally got his feet on the ledge. He stood there, looking for a way to seperate himself from the rope. Feeling his gun in his pocket, he pulled it out the best he could while still tied. If he thought aiming was hard before, he hadn't tried it while tied to a rope over boiling substance.
"The rope appears to have gone somewhat slack, sir..." Empathy informed the doctor.
"What??" Badnooz cried from above. Fitcher fired two shots, and at least one of them severed the rope. Empathy screamed and fell backwards, and the Thugs of Muse all ran the hell away. Apathy would have screamed and cowered, but what did she care? Fitcher released himself, pocketed Bill, and ran through the exit door. He dashed down the darkened corridor, passing empty cells as he ran.
"Fitcher!" cried a voice beside him. He stopped and looked into the cell.
"Phanny!" he exclaimed, overjoyed. "I thought they threw you in the dungeon!"
"This is the dungeon, Fitcher." she said calmly.
"Right. I'll bust you out. Stand back!" he pulled out Bill and fired several times at the lock. Phanny ran out of the cell gratefully, and glanced at the gun.
"Getting a little overzealous with that thing, perhaps?" she said.
"Of course not. A lock of that variety needed at least three shots." Fitcher insisted.
"Right." Phanny agreed with her usual smile. They ran down the corridor until they came to a three-way fork.
Damn!" Fitcher cursed. "These things will be the end of me!" Phanny tapped his shoulder.
"Maybe, but this one's labeled." she said. Fitcher saw that it was indeed true---the one on the right was labeled "Quarters: Thugs of Muse"; the one on the left "Main Chamber"; and the one straight ahead said "Exit".
"We want Exit, let's go..." Phanny urged.
"No." Fitcher said, going left. "I have to save Pearl!!"
"That's what I was afraid of..." Phanny sighed, following after him.
Fitcher noticed an orange glow from Phanny's Fire Rune behind him as he burst into the main chamber, his gun still drawn.
"Get down!" she cried. "Fire Wall!" Fitcher dived to side as a wall of flame shot past him and impacted the platform that Badnooz was standing on.
"There you are, Fitcher!" Badnooz exclaimed. He gestured to Empathy and Apathy. "Capture them!" The two women jumped off the pedestal. Empathy made a sexy little landing on the ground near Fitcher's feet. Apathy just plopped.
"Stop right there!" Empathy commanded. Fitcher put up his fists. He swung at her, but she ducked and hit him in the face.
"Ow, my nose..." he cried. Empathy put her hand to her mouth in horror.
"Oh my gosh, are you okay? I didn't mean to hit you in the nose...it's not bleeding is it? Let me see..." she cried. She moved to try and see his nose.
"No, there's no blood. I'll be fine, I'm sure." Fitcher said.
"Are you sure?" Empathy asked.
"I'm sure." he assured her with a smile.
"Ahem!" Badnooz said irritably. "Empathy, kindly remember whose SIDE you are ON! Now finish him!!"
"Sorry, sir. I won't mess up this time." she said. Fitcher took this opportunity to toss her out of the way and run past. at the same time, Apathy was trying to do Phanny in. The old woman was slow in hand to hand physical combat, but she had fire for heaven's sake.
"Step aside, girl." Phanny ordered, raising her cane. Apathy made no move. "Why are you working for my ex-husband anyway? Don't you have morals??" Apathy shrugged.
"I don't care what he's trying to accomplish, it pays well, and that's all that matters." Apathy said blah-ly. She made a strike at Phanny, but the old woman blasted her across the chamber with Flaming Arrows. She ran past.
"Fitcher, get the girl!" she cried. He nodded, and ran over to where Pearl was strapped to some sort of torture device that wasn't currently functioning. He worked at the bonds, trying to release her while doing his best to avoid going blind from looking at her 'outfit'.
"Fitcher!" she screamed, too late of course. "Look out!" Fitcher felt his body seize up as electricity surged through it and he fell to the floor. He cursed himself for forgetting about Badnooz's Lightning Rune.
"Enough of this foolishness." Badnooz declared. "I've had it up to here with you interfering wretches! Now it's time for the apocalypse!" He cackled, holding up his left hand, which was beginning to glow.
"Oh, no, sir---anything but that!" Empathy cried emphatically, saying what she had obviously rehearsed before. She nudged Apathy.
"The horror." Apathy said in a completely deadpan voice, stifling a yawn.
"Yes!" Badnooz said, pausing for dramatic effect. "The Devastato-Potato Rune!"
Phanny fell to the floor, laughing.
Fitcher tried his hardest to stop from laughing as hard as he could.
Empathy snickered.
Apathy suppressed a smirk.
Pearl screamed in absolute terror.
"You fools! This mockery will not be tolerated! I will show you the power! Initiate Apocalypse!" Badnooz cried shrilly, raising his left hand above his head and invoking the death rune.
Five sacks of potatoes appeared, hovering. Two fell on the doctor, knocking him off his platform. Phanny was howling now, tears rolling down her face. One of them oriented on Fitcher, and the other two sailed straight into the pit of boiling substance. Fitcher dodged the sack, which smashed into the torture device and flipped it upside down. Pearl shrieked and fell out of the harness, and nearly out of her outfit as well.
"The blueprints, where are they?" Fitcher asked. Pearl looked around wildly, then casually walked over to a display case on the wall. It was labeled: "PEARL LIONE SECRET BLUEPRINTS. DO NOT TOUCH!" She lifted her leg up high, and kicked the case in, grabbing the blueprints. She looked at Fitcher, who was picking his eyes up off the floor again.
"Is something wrong?" she asked.
"N-n-n-no..." Fitcher said. "Quick, while Badnooz is trapped under his apocalypse! We have to escape!" Pearl nodded. She dashed in sexy slow motion across the chamber, towards the exit. Fitcher followed, along with Phanny. Lightning bolts flew after them, and Fitcher got a creepy feeling of deja vu. This was just like when he and Pearl had escaped Badnooz's Muse complex! Well, except for that in Muse, Pearl had---
Pearl tripped.
"Eeeek! Oh woe, I am lost!" she cried, distraught. Fitcher pulled her up, but her elbow bumped a switch on the wall, and a cage dropped on Fitcher and Phanny---somehow, Pearl had been knocked out of the way, landing perfectly posed on the ground beside the cage. Badnooz, Empathy and Apathy walked up.
"Wonderful..." Badnooz gloated. "I told you I would pay you back for Muse. Now, come with me!" He grabbed Pearl's arm roughly, and dragged her up the exit stairs.
"He's gone..." Phanny remarked. Fitcher turned to Empathy and Apathy.
"Why do you let him treat you this way? You can't possibly---" he began.
"I don't care." Apathy said in a startling revelation.
"I'm sorry, but I really need the money..." Empathy apologized. "You don't understand..."
"Please. I have to save Pearl. I must." Fitcher asked desperately. Empathy bit her lip. She looked at Apathy.
"I don't care one way or the other." she said, walking back down the passage to the main chamber.
"I'll regret this..." Empathy said, unlocking the cage, and running after Apathy.
"Thank you, Empathy...I won't forget this." Fitcher called after her. Phanny rushed up the exit stairs and Fitcher followed her. They emerged through a hidden passage behind a boulder into the daytime.
"LET GO OF ME!" Pearl screamed. "Don't make me hurt you."
"They're over there!" Phanny said, pointing. "Behind those trees near the road!" They ran over as fast as they could, but then they heard screams of pain erupting from the trees---and they weren't Pearl's.
Badnooz, bleeding from somewhere unknown, stumbled out of the trees, dazed looking. There was a dark black cloud over their heads, rumbling and flashing oddly. Pearl stumbled out of the trees, running over to Fitcher.
"Oh, Fitcher!" she cried tearfully.
"Pearl!" Fitcher cried, alarmed. "What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO??"
Pearl fainted. Badnooz began laughing hysterically as he stared up at the black cloud, bleeding on the ground.
"What's the matter with you now, you idiot?" Phanny demanded sourly.
"Hahaha..." Badnooz cackled, pointing up at the cloud. "Behold---I really have brought the Apocalypse!" It began to rain, very hard. The wind picked up speed.
"Nonsense, you fool." Phanny said, looking up at the cloud. Then she gasped. "It's YOU! I thought I left you in Lakewest!" She began angrily shaking her fist at the cloud, and Fitcher began to wonder just which one of the Badnoozes was nuttier.
"It's...who, Phanny?" he asked cautiously.
"The same storm that stranded me on the sandbar in Lakewest! It found me!!" she cried.
"Time for your medication, Phanny..." Fitcher said gently.
"Don't be stupid! I'm serious! It's the same cloud formation and everything!" Phanny snapped. "It just wants revenge because I outsmarted it last time!"
"I don't think storms have emotions, Phanny..." Fitcher said.
"This one does!" Phanny cried. "Flee, flee!" She ran for the road.
"You've gone nutso, Phanny!" Fitcher yelled. She doubled back and looked him straight in the eye.
"This storm means business. Do I really need to suffer a flashback to prove it?"
********************
"Oh, my arthritis!" she cursed. "Curse you, foul storm!! Begone!" The storm took that opportunity to send the largest possible wave right underneath her boat, lifting it high into the air and bringing it crashing down onto---
********************
"No, I get it! No flashbacks, okay!" Fitcher cried. But it was too late. The storm had seized the moment while they were suffering the flashback to charge up some high-quality lightning bolts and hail. Hailstones rained down around them. It was so dark it almost looked like nighttime. Fitcher had long-since lost track of Badnooz. Lightning flashed all around. He tried to gather up Pearl and head for the road after Phanny.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightning struck a tree behind Fitcher.
"Fitcher!" Phanny yelled.
Everything went black.
