The Wizard of Midgar

Yuffie Kisaragi ran home as fast as she could run, knowing that her not very nice neighbor, Mr. Grumpy AKA Sephiroth, wanted her dog's head on a platter. Her 'dog' happened to be Red XIII, and he wasn't happy about it either.
"Listen Yuffie, if you hadn't chased Sephiroth's adorable little cat, and then blamed it on me, this wouldn't have happened!" Red said angrily.
"Shut up and act adorable yourself." Yuffie said. "We have to keep with the storyline." With that, they ran into Wutai and into Yuffie's house, a farmouse that looked rather out of place in Wutai. "Uncle" Godo and "Auntie" Rosa came out to greet her.
"Yuffie dear, what are you doing NOW?" Auntie Rosa asked.
"Oh, Auntie Rosa!! Mr. Grumpy Sephiroth wouldn't give me any materia, so I chased his cat, and accidentally stepped on it, and now he wants to take Red XIII!!" Yuffie suddenly clutched Red protectively and looked at Godo with large, pleading, generally anime type eyes.
"We-ell, I don't know what we can-" Uncle Godo said. 
"Oh Yuffie, just stay out of trouble and leave Sephiroth alone!" Rosa said.
"But I want Materia!!" she pouted, and went off to sing her special song.
"Sommmewheeeeerrre, over the raaaaaaiiiiinboowww, there's some Materia for meeeeeee.....wayyyy uuup hiiiigggghhhh, somewheeerrre over the rainbooowww..." Yuffie sang off key.
"Oh god..." Red XIII moaned. "Why am I your dog anyway??" 

Suddenly an eeeevil theme played as Sephiroth rode up on a bicycle, rather clumsily if anything.
"Hey! Your daughter stepped on my cat! So I'm gonna take her dog!" he said.
"I don't think that's very fair..." Rosa said. 
"So? Like I care, I'm gonna be a god anyway." Sephiroth said, matter-of-factly. Yuffie burst in.
"Can I please have the Black Materia?" she asked.
"No way! Poor Kitty has barely recovered your from its awful injury! I'm taking that vicious dog of yours!!" Sephiroth said. Red XIII attemped to make the 'precious puppy dog eyes look', but wasn't quick enough. Sephiroth snatched him up and stuck him in a picnic basket.
"Hey! You freak, that's MY red lion warrior dog!" Yuffie said, slapping Sephiroth and storming off to her room. Sephiroth rode away on the bike, got hit by a truck, and walked. Red XIII ran away, jumping through the 'open' window of Yuffie's room.
*crashtinkletinkle*
"Ouch!" Red XIII said. "Damn window!"
"Come on, time to run away." Yuffie said, packing her suitcase which had a large ShinRa logo on it.
"Ooops, how'd that get there?" Yuffie said.
"Why do we have run away?" Red asked.
"Don't talk, you're a dog. Come on." Yuffie said, jumping out her other window.
*crashtinkletinkle* Red XIII followed.

They ran up to a fortune telling booth.
"Go away! I don't like visitors!!" Barret, er, the old fortune telling man yelled.
"But I-" Yuffie said.
"Besides, can't you see there's a cyclone starting?" Bar--um, the old guy said.
"What?? I'd better get back to Wutai!" Yuffie said. "Come on Red!" With that she ran back to her farmhouse. 

The wind whipped around her, as Rosa, Godo and their farmhands escaped into the storm cellar, unbeknownst to Yuffie. Yuffie ran into the house with Red XIII and her special Materia piece. 
"Auntie Rosa, where are you?!" she yelled, then a rebellious window decided to be not nice and conked her on the head. With a stifled scream she fell on the bed.
"Stupid girl...Always with the dramatics..." Red XIII mumbled. Yuffie suddenly woke up.
"I heard that!" she exclaimed. "Hey! We've gone up the side of the tornado!!!" 
"Aack! It's an ugly witch...with a surprisingly big chest..." Red XIII said as Tifa flew by on a broom and the house began to fall. Yuffie screamed and the house hit Tifa, bounced back up because of her breasts, and finally smashed her. Yuffie grabbed Red XIII and went outside, to find herself in a colorful valley filled with houses and magical trees and all that good stuff. 
"Why, Red XIII...." she said dramatically, "I don't think we're in Wutai anymore."
"No, why would you say THAT?!" Red XIII demanded sarcastically. Suddenly and magical pink bubble floated down and out of it came Cloud Strife, dressed in a lovely pink dress.
"Damn bubble..." he said. "It's all a conspiracy! Why, I--Oh, there you are." he pointed at Yuffie with his pink wand.
"Hey you there...are you a good Witch, or a bad, crack smoking witch?! HMM?"
"Are....you all right up there?" Yuffie asked, pointing to Cloud's head.
"My head is fine...I think. I'm Cloudina, the Good Witch of the North. And, damn, it's cold up north! I tried to snag the nice warm south, but no, it's taken, they said. I oughta--" He noticed that everyone was staring at him.
"But....HEY! Do you have any...MATERIA??" Yuffie asked hungrily.
"No. I, well, TRIED to get the castle with Materia, but no, it's taken, they said. I oughta bash their--Sorry. Anyhow...the race of Mr.Saturns have told me that you killed the Wicked Witch of the East." Cloudina said. 
"I did?? Hey Red, I killed a wicked witch!!" Yuffie said. Then she leaned in closer. "Did she have Materia??" 
"Oh, probably. She had a nice figure, and I might have gotten into a nice relationship with her," Cloudina said, "But no, they said, it's forbidden, they said. I was just about to go around 'their' judgement when you come and drop and house on her. Look, there she is." Cloudina pointed his wand at the house, where Tifa's feet stuck out. Yuffie made a cute little gasp.
"Little old ME?? Kill someone? NEVER!" she said. Then she did a double take.
"Who did you say called you? Mr.Saturns??" she asked.
"Yeah," Cloudina said, taking out his script. "Oh man! I gotta SING?! Well, here goes...Come out, come out, wherever you are...and meet the young...materia hunter...who fell from a star. She fell from the sky, she fell very far (well duh!) And Wutai she says is the name of the star!" 
"I never said that!" Yuffie protested. "Did I, Red?" Red XIII shrugged.
"Wutai she says is the name of the star," the Mr. Saturns repeated like drones, coming out from hiding.
"She brings you good news, or haven't you heard..." Cloudina sang. "When she fell out of Wutai, a miracle occured." 
"But-" Yuffie said. "It really was no miracle, just a fluke. If I could control such things, I have dropped a house on Sephiroth a long time ago." Red nudged her.
"Well, um, I mean, of course I did it on purpose! Anything to liberate you from a Wicked Witch of the...um..East! That was it!" Yuffie faltered.
"Then let the joyous news be spread! The wicked old bitch at last is dead! (It's a conspiracy, I tell you!)" Cloudina said. Then the Mr. Saturns began to dance and sing, celebrating their victory.
"Ding dong, the bitch is dead! Which old bitch? The Wicked Witch! Ding dong, Tifa Lockheart's deaaaaaad!! She's gone where the goblins go, below, below below yo ho, llalalalalala!!" they sang.
"Are you sure we're not on LSD?" Red XIII asked cautiously.
"Hey, do you know where I can find some Materia?" Yuffie asked. The Mr. Saturn Mayor came up and hushed the crowds.
"As mayor, I declare this as a day of independence! For all of us, and our descendants! The Wicked Witch is dead, finally!!" he cried, they all cheered and cheered and cheered and drank alcohol and things. 

Suddenly, a large puff of red smoke exploded out of the ground, and Aeris, dressed in black, came out, coughing. She looked at the house, and gasped.
"Who killed my sister?? Who killed the Witch of the East?!" she demanded. Yuffie raised her hand.
"Red XIII did it." she blamed.
"No way, it's your house that fell on her!" Red argued. Aeris went over to Cloudina and stared his crotch.
"Ah ..." she said.
"Stop that..." Cloud said, pulling Yuffie in front of him. "Um, aren't you forgetting the Aluminum Army Boots??" 
"Oh yeah! I always wanted those so I could be omnipotent and all..." Aeris said, going over to the house. The Boots vanished from Tifa's feet and appeared on Yuffie's.
"Aww, damn! Now what did you do?!" Yuffie demanded of Cloudina. Aeris stormed over to Yuffie.
"You gimme my Boots back!! Now!!" Aeris screeched. "No one crosses the Wicked Witch of the West!"
"So that's who you are," Red XIII said snidely, "Wouldn't kill you to introduce yourself." Aeris scowled at him.
"You be quiet. And you, Cloudina...." Aeris said, lowering her voice. "Come to my place at nine, and bring the champagne." Cloudina nodded nervously.
"Yeah, don't give those Aluminum Army Boots to her, cause she's all evil and all." Cloudina said. Aeris slapped him.
"Who's side are you on?" She turned to Yuffie. "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little...lion...warrior...TOO! Ehhahahahaha!!" With that she disappeared into the red smoke.
"Well, it is tragic that you have made yourself an enemy of the Wicked Witch of the West..." Cloudina said. 
"What do you mean I did?! YOU put these damn things on me!" Yuffie said. "And how am I gonna get out of Saturn Valley...or even this whole land?!"
"Well, it's always best to start from the beginning...except when eating pizza. So, you should go to the great city of Midgar, and follow the Golden Materia Road." Cloudina stated.
"MATERIA?!" Yuffie shrieked, running to the beginning of the road. She clawed at the golden Materia, but it wouldn't budge.
"What's the matter with this?!" she demanded.
"Oh, that Materia was spelled by the Good Witch of the South, who is currently vacationing somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. You can't remove that materia." Cloudina said primly.
"I hate you," Yuffie said angrily, picking up Red XIII and stomping over to the edge of the Road.
"Remember," Cloudina said dramatically, "Never let the Army Boots off your feet for a moment, or the Wicked Witch will come do bad things to you. And follow the Golden Materia Road...." He looked paranoid, but stepped into his pink bubble and floated away.
"Stupid hoe." Yuffie growled. "So, if I follow this thing I'll get to Midgar??" The Mr.Saturns nodded drunkenly. She stepped onto the path and skipped along as they began to sing.
"Follow the Golden Road, follow the golden road, follow follow follow follow Follow the Golden Road! Follow the golden, follow the golden, follow the golden materia road! You're--off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Midgar! lalalalalala!!" they sang, swinging their beer glasses around as Yuffie skipped away, followed by Red XIII.

They traveled along the Golden Materia Road for a while, then they came along a field of canned corn. An old man was stuck up on a pole, and clearly not happy about it.
"Um....sir, do you have any materi----I mean, do you need my help?" Yuffie asked.
"Yes, you foolish girl!!!" the old man cried. "If I had help I'd be on the ground!" Red XIII used his comb to get the old man down.
"Who are you?" Red XIII asked.
"I'm Tellah, of course!" he said. "And if I had some brains this wouldn't have happened! Stupid crows..."
"Well, what would you do with a brain if you had one??" Yuffie asked.
"I would do things!" Tellah snapped irritably, "I'm not singing anything." He strapped a bazooka to his back, and walked over to Yuffie.
"Hey, come with me and help me steal Materia from the Wizard of Midgar." 
"Sure! Let me guess. We have to follow the Golden Materia Road to get there."
"Yeah! ....ummm, is there any chance that you have some Materia??" Yuffie said.
"No," Tellah said sourly, "Isn't this whole ROAD made of Materia?" He fingered his bazooka.
"Well, yessss..." Yuffie said, smiling. Tellah flipped the ON switch and blew away a large portion of the Golden Materia Road. In fact, he couldn't stop, and thus blew away all the road in their immediate sight.
"Oh great, we're lost now!" Red XIII said.
"But...the MATERIA!!" Yuffie squealed joyfully, diving into the pile and ransacking every bit of it.
"Well, isn't that just a problem." Tellah said of the destruction. "No way to Midgar now." Yuffie looked out at the sparkling green turf and pointed to the south.
"I'm pretty sure it was that way." she stated, and so they set off to the south, with Red XIII protesting the whole way.

In the Wicked Witch of the West's castle, she was planning something awful and not very nice to wreak onto Yuffie and her companions.
"Eeeehhehehehehe!!" Aeris shrieked. "Yuffie won't be able to resist the Materia trail I set, leading to her certain death at the bottom of a cliff!!!!" A Flying Moogle hopped over to her.
"Are you...sure about that, kupo?" it asked.
"Of course I'm sure!!!" Aeris cried. "Mind your own business!"

Back with the group. They were heading south, minding their own business, except of course Yuffie and Tellah, which really meant that only Red XIII was minding his own business, but enough about that. They found a guy in armor, rusted solid.
"Hey. Could you help me here?" the guy asked.
"Probably not," Red XIII noted, as Tellah and Yuffie looted an old lady.
"Please?" he asked. "I'm Cecil, and my Dark Knight armor has rusted shut."
"Oh! Hey there man!" Yuffie said. "I'll help you. But there's a catch."
"What is it?? I'll do anything, just don't make me sit here any longer!!" he begged.
"You'd have to help me, in my own special little quest..." Yuffie taunted.
"OF COURSE!! Pleeeease....do you know what HAPPENS when you can't get to a bathroom for a year?!!" Cecil cried.
"Ewwwwww..." Yuffie said, holding her nose.
"But anyway, I'll help you loot or whatever. I steal from the innocent all the time." Cecil said. "Just grab that oil can and toilet paper over there." Yuffie shook her head.
"I'M not getting that thing! You probably peed on it too!!!" she squealed.
"Me neither!" Tellah said. "I'm an old man." 
"For God's sake! I'LL do it then!!" Red XIII said.
He sprayed the armor with the oil can. Cecil climbed out almost all the way, but then paused.
"Hey dog. Get me my spare armor from the hut. I'm sure as hell not wearing this." Cecil said. 

A few baths and a change of clothes later, Cecil was walking down the dirt path with them.
"Midgar huh?" he said. "I'd go there, too. If I only weren't a heartless bastard!" 
"Need a heart, eh?" Tellah said. "Well, I need a brain. Stupid crows..." 
"Let's go!!" Yuffie sang, "We're--off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Midgar!!" 
They all sang and skipped off to the south.
"You idiots! We're going the wrong way!!" Red XIII called after them. 

As the happy group skipped along, suddenly The Wicked Witch of the West, Aeris, appeared on a house in front of them.
"Eeeeheeeheeehheeee!" she cackled. 
"The witch!!" Yuffie gasped as if she was surprised. 
"Listen, you...you....you Yuffie!! You had better give me those Aluminum Army Boots or I'll destroy you!!" Aeris demanded.
"Will you give me Materia for them??" Yuffie asked.
"I really don't HAVE any M--" The Witch began.
"No deal!" Yuffie yelled. "Tellah, shoot her." 
"Hiyyyyaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!" Tellah cried, blasting everything with his bazooka. Aeris screamed girlishly, which was really out of character, and then disappeared into her patented cloud of smoke. The group resumed their skipping and singing, headin' on south.

They soon came upon a tavern where loud music was playing. Yuffie and Tellah immediately dashed in, Red followed, and Cecil hesitated, eventually rusting in the parking lot.
Inside, they saw an awful sight. Vincent, in a pink tutu, with a little wand and ballet slippers, was dancing on top of the bar with a bottle of whiskey in his hand.
"Um, excuse me....who are you?" Yuffie asked.
"I'm Vincent, the witch o' the south, baby!" he said while swiveling his hips.
"Isn't this bar filled with alcohol?" Red XIII asked, "I thought you were the GOOD Witch of the South!" 
"Good in title, but bad to the bone in reality!!" Vincent said with a slight smile.
"But...but...the Witch of the North said you were in Bermuda!" Yuffie protested.
"That's just the way he is." Vincent said, then began dancing even faster. Tellah noticed the Turks standing next to the bar where Vincent was dancing.
"Hey, aren't you those Turkey guys?" he asked.
"That's TURKS!!!" Rude cried.
"Whatever you say, baldie." Tellah remarked casually.
"Hey." Tseng said, pushing Tellah. "You better watch yourself. We're the Turks."
"That's been established..." Tellah agreed. Tseng shoved him harder.
"No....you don't seem to understand, old man. You BETTER watch your BACK. We're the honorary TURKS."
"Listen, Ken, why don't you go talk to Barbie over there?" Tellah said, gesturing at Elena. Tseng pulled a gun, but Tellah yawned and smashed him over the head with a bottle of champagne. Rude and Reno ran over.
"Oh man! Our boss is out cold!" Reno said.
"You know what that means..." Rude said, looking at Tellah.
"Yep." Reno said. "Free booze for the old man!!!!" They all cheered and sang dirty tavern songs. Then came the mistake. Vincent grabbed Elena and began to dance up on the top of the bar stools. He swung her around, and smacked Tellah in the head.
"All right, I don't like this anymore." Tellah remarked, mining the whole place, grabbing Yuffie and Red XIII, and running out as the place blew sky high.
"We'll see who's in Bermuda now." Tellah said angrily as he dragged Yuffie back toward the north. 
They passed a dense forest that they were sure wasn't there before. Cait Sith bounded up, and growled.
"Rargh! You are no match for me!!" 
"Great." Cecil said. Cait Sith chased them around a tree, and then tried to bite Red XIII. That didn't work very well.
"Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow--hey hey stop! That comb hurts!!" Cait Sith screamed.
"Comb?!" Red cried. "This, my friend, is the patented Limited Moon." 
"Only Limited? I expected more from you." Cait Sith said. "But hey, I'm a coward anyway, so who's gonna notice?!" He pulled a hamster from a satchel.
"This is my special friend. His name is Deathbringer." Cait declared.
"But he's a hamster!" Cecil protested.
"Sssh!" Cait whispered. "He doesn't know that..." He pet the hamster and then put it back in the satchel. "I heard you guys were going to Midgar. I wanna come too!!"
"For some courage?" Yuffie asked.
"Nah, they have great thrift shops there." Cait said.
"Figures....." Red XIII sighed, and they went on to the north.

Upon finally reaching Midgar, they were refused access to the Wizard. Cait Sith sicked Deathbringer on the guards. But when the city filled with smoke, and Aeris appeared, the team went into action. In other words, they all got into Batman costumes.
"I...am Batgirl!" Yuffie said.
"I'm Batman!" Tellah yelled.
"I'm Robin!" Cecil proclaimed.
"I get to be Batcat!" Cait Sith exclaimed.
"I'm Bat...lion..guy." Red XIII decided.
"Hey Cait, what's your Moogle get to be?"
"Oh, he can be the Batmobile. Let's go!" They all dashed across the floor, dived through the air, and landed on Aeris.
"Dogpile!!!!" Yuffie yelled.
"Get...off...me!" Aeris screamed. She jumped onto a pillar and began shooting lightning bolts everywhere.
"No! My shoes! Not yours!!" Yuffie cried, kicking her away. The citizens of Midgar were doing their best to ignore this little scene, without much luck. 
"Yuffie! Stop this!!" Aeris screeched. "If you don't I won't be able to have s--" An explosion drowned out part of her speech. "--with Cloud!" she finished. Cait's eyes widened.
"Naughty naughty!!" Cait cried. "Wash out her mouth, Deathbringer!!" The hamster burst from the esper cat's satchel, intent on killing the Witch.
"AIIIEEEEEE!!!" Aeris screamed. She vanished again. The party, satisfied and still dressed in their bat-costumes, went into the Wizard's chamber. Palom appeared.
"Let's dispense with the pleasantries. I'm the wizard, got it?" 
"Awwww...no floating head?" Tellah and Cait pouted.
"No floating head." Palom agreed.
"Bastard." Tellah mumbled. Palom waved his oversized wand.
"Yeah, what the heck do you want?" he asked.
"Well," Yuffie reviewed, "I want to get Materia, and to go home, Tellah here needs a brain-"
"Stupid crows..." Tellah mumbled.
"-Cecil wants a heart, and Cait Sith wants to shop at your thrifty stores." 
"That might be arranged," Palom said dramatically, "But first you gotta kill Aeris." They all gasped.
"Gee, I didn't expect THAT of all things." Red XIII said sarcastically. Yuffie frowned, but nodded.
"Fine. We'll go kill that hag." she agreed. The group casually left the Wizard to tend his petunias, as they traveled west. Eventually, as these things go, they came upon a dark forest. Since Yuffie refused to do it herself, Red XIII screamed as they were overwhelmed by the Flying Moogles. Instead of just getting Yuffie, the Moogles carried everybody back to Aeris's Castle, which managed to look prissy despite being dark and gloomy.

The party filed into Aeris's living room and stood there patiently, watching Aeris make out with Cloudina. Suddenly the two 'lovers' noticed the visitors and scrambled off the couch.
"Uh, yeah, Aeris is bad. Stay away from her cause she's wicked..." Cloudina lied, hopping into his pink bubble and floating out the window. Aeris cackled evilly as she straightened her blouse. 
"It seems I have finally won, Yuffie," The Wicked Witch laughed, "Now give me those Aluminum Army Boots." 
"No!! I'll never let you have them!! Even if he is a traitor bastard, Cloudina told me not to! Besides, you're an ugly old hag with no Materia!" Yuffie shouted.
"UGLY?! OLD HAG?! I'll...show you, missie!!" the witch shrieked.
"Listen...if you let us go, I'll reward you soundly." Tellah offered.
"Eh?? With what?" Aeris asked suspiciously. Tellah smiled, pulled up his sleeve and flexed his flabby arms.
"Have you ever seen such muscle and all-around good looks? It can all be yours." Tellah said slyly.
"EWWWWW!!!! Sickly, flabby old MAN!!" Aeris cried, disgusted. Cait Sith stepped forward.
"Come on, just let us kill you..." he whined.
"Kill ME?! No way!! This fic was my one chance to be evil! You can't ruin it!!" Cait shrugged and released Deathbringer, which stupidly jumped to it's death out the window.
"Try to sick a hamster on me, heh?! I'll make you all watch Brady Bunch reruns!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Red XIII despaired. Yuffie screamed, then righted herself and slashed at Aeris with the Conformer. The Witch parried with her Princess Guard. They went into one of those high-class swordfights that are always in movies. As the party followed the battle along, underneath a turret, Aeris's guards dumped bacterialized mud onto the whole group.
"Now you die!" Aeris cried, knocking Yuffie down and reaching for the shoes. Cait Sith pulled out his lemon-scented antibacterial cleaner. Yuffie got up quickly.
"Hey Yuffie! There's a bug near your boots!" Red XIII cried.
"EWW!" Yuffie screamed, ducking.
"I'll get it!" Cait said, spraying Yuffie and Aeris with the cleaner.
"AIIIIIEEEEKKK!!" Aeris shrieked. "L-look at this!! Stupid cat, look what you've done!! I'm melting, melting.....oh, what a world, what a world....I shouldn't have been eeevviiilll......gahgllll....." The Wicked Witch of the West was no more.
"Hooray!! I did it!" Cait said, doing a little dance. The leader of the Flying Moogles, Mog, came up to them.
"You freed us! We will transport you anywhere in the land!" he cheered.
"Oh, goody!" Yuffie said. "Take us to Midgar! ....oh, and give us Materia." In a flash of light they were in front of Midgar.

The city was in flames as Meteor descended, followed by Holy. The Lifestream tried to nullify them both, eventually burning the place to the ground. There was a sign posted. It read:
"The Wizard of Midgar has relocated in Kalm. Thank you for your time."
"We must go to Kalm!" Tellah said, and Cecil nodded. They went off singing, toward Kalm. 

Once they reached it, the found Palom in a pavilion outside.
"Stupid Meteor..." he mumbled as they came up. "HUH? You guys are still aliv--I mean, um, great. You killed her, huh?" 
"Yep! Give us our stuff!" Yuffie demanded. 
"Errr....okay. Uh, Tellah, here." Palom said, handing him a plastic brain. 
"Yay! No more crows!" he cheered. 
"Yeah, and you. Just become a Paladin and get a girlfriend, and you'll be fine."
"Okay." Cecil agreed, wondering how that would help.
"And Cait. You seem like you've done your share." Palom said. He handed Cait a 20 dollar gift certificate for the thrift shops, which had been relocated to Kalm.
"Yuffie, you can take all the Materia in the city, and then I'll warp you home." Yuffie clapped her hands and took several truckloads of Materia. Suddenly the Turks came up.
"Hey, you old punk. I have a score to settle." Tseng said. Tellah shrugged.
"AYAAAHH!!" Tseng cried, charging at Tellah. Tellah grabbed Tseng's arm and twisted it back, breaking it.
"Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-please-ow-ow-ow-uncle!! UNCLE!!!!" Tseng screamed.
Rude and Reno ran up.
"Oh no! He made our boss cry!" Reno cried. "You know what this means!!"
"Yep!" Rude said, looking at Tellah.
"Free booze for the old man!!!!" Reno cheered. Elena gave Tellah booze and then rushed to Tseng's aid. Palom started the warp spell.
"Hmmm..the materia seems to be countering the spell." he remarked before accidentally getting warped himself.
"Oh no! Now we'll never get home!!" Yuffie exclaimed dramatically. 

Suddenly, the pink bubble floated down and Cloudina stepped out of it, smoothing out his pink gown.
"Well, Yuffie...I can send you home." he said, batting his eyelashes.
"That's all well and good. But I really don't like you, and feel tempted to melt you too." Yuffie said. Cloudina backed away.
"Whoa, girl...you don't wanna do that! If all the witches in this land are dead, it will collapse on itself!!" he pleaded. "I'm the last one!!!"
"Oh...fine." Yuffie said. "Send me home." 
"All right!" Cloudina said, more cheerful now that his life wasn't in jeopardy. "First, you click your heels three times, and say, 'there's no place like Wutai'." Yuffie nodded. As she clicked her heels once, Vincent, still in his tutu, appeared in a puff of smoke.
"Hey baby!" he said. Yuffie's jaw dropped. 
"B-but! You're dead! The tavern blew up while you were in it!!" she protested.
"Well, I escaped, thanks to them." Vincent said, gesturing at a bunch of bikini-clad women.
"Whoa!! Hey girls, come with me!!" Tellah said, leading them away.
"That means----you lied again!!!" Yuffie cried, turning angrily on Cloudina.
"But, no, I didn't mean-" Cloudina stammered.
"CAIT!!!" Yuffie ordered. 
"But I--no!!" Cloudina screamed as Cait melted him too.
"Noooooo...oooo....gurgle..." he sputtered.
"Yeah, so, now that I'm the last witch left, continue with your shoe-tappin', baby!" Vincent crooned. Yuffie held Red XIII and clicked her heels three times.
"There's no place like home, there's no place like home--except maybe a Materia depot. Oops, I mean, there's no place like home, there's no place like home.....there's no....." Yuffie trailed off as she and Red XIII vanished.

A second later, Yuffie found herself in Wutai. Auntie Rosa ran up to her.
"Where have you been, child?!" she cried.
"Oh, I ran away and them came back, I got lots of Materia though." Yuffie said, gesturing at the five trucks full behind her. 
"Oh! Where's Sephie?" she cried.
"Oh, honey, the weirdest thing happened to Sephiroth. He suddenly got crushed and killed by a moving van, when a house slipped off the truck and squished him." Auntie Rosa said. "Come on home, Uncle Godo's waiting for you." Yuffie signaled, and the trucks followed her home.

Back in Kalm, in the mysterious land Yuffie visited, Vincent was suddenly smashed by a house. Zelda climbed out, carrying a Goron in her arms.
"Oh Goron, I don't think we're in Hyrule anymore!" she gasped. She stepped up to greet the citizens, but didn't have a chance, since the entire land collapsed on itself.

Yuffie sat in her room, counting Materia, when she sensed what happened.
"Oh well." she said. "No one liked them anyway."

THE END.....?