Three's a Crowd (or, Summer Vacation II)

by Geri ([email protected])

Rating: R

Pairing: SS/RL

Author's note: {} Indicates character's unspoken thoughts

Disclaimer: Characters belong to J.K. Rowling; no money is being made off this story; consider it a little wish fulfillment on my part.

Sequel to: Always, Summer Vacation, and For Old Time's Sake

Summary: Takes place during the summer immediately following Goblet of Fire. For the sake of this story, I am assuming that Snape, Lupin, and Sirius spent at least a couple of weeks together at Lupin's house before moving into the Grimmauld Place headquarters.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Lupin sighed wearily. The two people he loved most in the world were sharing his house with him, so he ought to be happy, but as Lupin frequently found, the world did not necessarily run as it "ought to". The minute Snape showed up after the school term was over, Sirius scowled and said, "What are YOU doing here?"

Snape scowled back and snarled, "I have just as much right to be here as you, Black, if not more!"

Lupin quickly stepped between them. "Knock it off, you two! I told you Severus was staying with me for the summer, Sirius," he said firmly. "And Severus, you know that Albus asked Sirius to stay here for now." The two of them were still glaring at each other. Lupin gave each of them a hard stare, and attempted to imitate the imperious tone of voice their old Professor, Branwen Blackmore, used to use on her students. "This is MY house, and if you wish to remain here, I expect you both to behave yourselves!"

It seemed to work--for a little while. They both stared at him in shock, as if he had grown a second head. Lupin felt amused and irritated at the same time; both of them had always underestimated him, mistaking "forgiving" and "gentle" for "soft" and "weak". They spent the rest of the day in sullen silence, pointedly not speaking to each other. Even at the dinner table, the conversation ran along the lines of:

"Moony, tell Snape to pass the salt..."

"Lupin, tell Black to pass the potatoes..."

Finally Lupin threw down his fork and said, "Tell him yourself! I'm through playing referee for you two!" They both stared at him in open-mouthed shock once again, and he wished they could see how alike they looked at that moment.

They stopped using Lupin as a go-between and started speaking to each other directly, but mostly to make snide little jibes and insults. It got to the point where Lupin was sorely tempted to strangle both of them.

To make matters worse, the situation put a serious crimp in Lupin's plans for a romantic summer vacation with Snape. Of course, all their plans were already thrown off by Voldemort's return, but Lupin had still hoped to spend what time he could with Severus, those moments being all the more precious for their brevity and the unspoken fear that it could all be ended at any time, for they were now at war, although most of their fellow wizards refused to acknowledge it. However, it was difficult to find time alone together in the small cottage, and whenever Lupin started getting affectionate with Snape or vice versa, Sirius would sneer or scowl, and Snape would turn red and pull away. Sometimes it seemed as if he had a phobia about letting anyone but Lupin see him as a decent, caring human being. He didn't even show his students--including his Slytherins--the slightest bit of kindness, although Lupin knew he was concerned about them. Severus claimed it was a Slytherin trait, but Lupin didn't think that was entirely true. Although for the most part Slytherins tended to be cold and manipulative, Lupin remembered how Evan Rosier had doted upon Ariane Donner, and Rosier's friend Lyall Wilkes had been a halfway-decent sort for a Slytherin. Although he took part in the pranks Rosier and Malfoy planned, Lyall had never seemed particularly malicious, and had always had a good-natured smile and a ready laugh. He had possessed a kind of lazy, easy-going charm, and even laughed at himself when his pranks went awry and backfired on him. Even cold, intimidating Professor Blackmore had seemed to like him, although that didn't stop her from giving him detention if he deserved it. And he had been fiercely loyal and devoted to his best friend Evan Rosier, although Snape claimed that was probably what had gotten him killed. More recently, Lupin had observed some of the parents when they came to their children's Quidditch matches during the time he had taught at Hogwarts, and he had noticed that while Narcissa Malfoy had a disagreeable and snobbish personality, she obviously loved her son. And Draco had seemed pleased with his mother's fussing over him, although like any teenager, he had complained loudly that she was embarrassing him in front of his friends. As for his father, Draco seemed a little in awe of him, and anxiously eager to win his approval. Lupin had felt a little sorry for him at that moment; he imagined that it was not an easy thing, having Lucius Malfoy for a father.

In any case, Lupin had by now realized that Snape's fear of affection was not a learned Slytherin trait, but something much more personal. He wanted to learn more about Severus's past, and help chase away the demons that still tormented him, but it was almost impossible to have an intimate conversation with Sirius around. Lupin sighed; it was going to be a long summer...
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Lupin felt his lover tense as they lay in bed together, and he whispered, "What's wrong, Severus?"

Snape let go of Lupin and rolled over onto his back, groaning, "I don't think I can do this, Lupin. Not with Sirius Black downstairs. Quite frankly, it's a little creepy, to think of him knowing we're having sex, maybe even listening to us..."

Lupin sighed impatiently, and reached over to the nightstand, where his wand was lying. "That's what silence spells are for, Severus! Besides, I assure you that the thought of us having sex disturbs Sirius far more than it disturbs you."

"Hmm..." A thoughtful look appeared on Snape's face, then he caught hold of Lupin's wrist as he raised the wand, stopping him from casting the spell. "I've changed my mind," he said, an evil grin spreading across his face. "If that pervert wants to eavesdrop, let him get an earful!" He knew Black that absolutely hated that he and Lupin were a couple, and his grin grew wider as he imagined the look of outrage on Black's face when he heard Lupin's passionate moans and cries...

"You're bad, Severus," Lupin said, waggling a finger at Snape in admonishment, but his eyes were sparkling with laughter, and the corners of his mouth kept twitching upwards as if he were trying to repress a smile.

"Of course I am," Snape agreed. He purred in a low, husky voice, "I am a Slytherin, after all, my dear."

Lupin's face flushed, and his eyes went a little glassy. He tossed the wand back onto the nightstand and murmured, "Why Severus, I don't think you've ever called me 'dear' before."

"Oh? Do you like that?" Snape whispered into his ear.

The feel of his lover's warm breath tickling his ear made Lupin shiver with pleasure. "Yes," he gasped.

"Then let's make some noise for Mr. Black...my dear," Snape purred.

Lupin laughed and blushed at the same time. "I don't know, Severus," he said coyly. "I feel a little self-conscious now. I might be too embarrassed to...be noisy."

Snape raised his eyebrows. "Is that a challenge, Lupin?"

"You may take it as such, if you wish," Lupin replied primly. "You know how shy and reserved I am," he said, with his very best look of wide-eyed innocence, ignoring Snape's little snort of laughter. "But of course I can't be held accountable for my actions if you make me lose control..."

Snape sealed his mouth with a kiss, sliding his tongue between Lupin's lips. He was immediately rewarded with a little moan, but the sound was too muffled for Snape's tastes. He broke off the kiss, and Lupin made a small noise of protest, which Snape ignored. He pushed back Lupin's hair, pausing for a moment to run his hands through it and savor the feel of it sliding between his fingers like silk, then traced the shell of Lupin's ear with his tongue and nipped sharply at the lobe, evoking a loud gasp from his lover. That was better, but... "I want you to howl for me, Lupin," Snape said, his voice ragged and his black eyes intense with desire.

The feral hunger of the wolf gleamed in Lupin's blue eyes, but he otherwise remained in control of himself, as he asked in a velvety voice Snape had never heard before (and found quite exciting), "Do you know what I'D like, Severus?"

"What?" panted Snape, ready to jump up and do his lover's bidding, even if it entailed slaying a dragon or pulling the stars down from the sky.

"I think I'd like you to call me by my first name," Lupin replied playfully. "You don't do it very often, but I love it when you do."

"Is that all?" Snape was pleased that the request was so simple and easily fulfilled. "Remus," he whispered, and Lupin's eyes fluttered shut, the long lashes resting against his fair skin as he let out a contented little sigh. Snape thought he looked beautiful, just like an angel... "Remus," he repeated, slowly and tenderly, turning the syllables into a caress with his voice.

"Severus," Lupin said urgently, and his eyes opened again, filled with both love and lust. He twined his fingers in Snape's black hair and pulled him down for a long, hard kiss.

When Snape had caught his breath again, he thought to himself, {I must remember to do that more often!} He felt humbled, and a little chastened. It took so little to please Lupin, and he certainly deserved whatever happiness Snape could give him. And Snape had a great deal to make up for, beginning with the way he had turned on Lupin when they were teenagers, up until the time last year when he had forced Lupin to resign his position at Hogwarts. Yet no matter how badly Snape had treated him over the years, Lupin still loved him and forgave him everything. "I love you, Remus," he said softly.

Lupin looked a little startled, then he smiled sweetly--with such complete trust and vulnerability, as if he were laying bare his soul, that it took Snape's breath away--and said, "I love you too, Severus." They stared at each other, speechless, for a long moment, then Lupin deliberately lightened the mood by saying, "Now, I believe you were saying something about making me howl...?"

Snape grinned and said, "Howl for me, my dear Remus." He kissed Lupin's throat, and Lupin sighed in response. "I want to hear you moan..." Snape bit down sharply on the soft skin of Lupin's throat, then slowly, sensually, sucked on it until he left behind a dark bruise and Lupin obligingly moaned.

{Territorial beast,} said Snape's inner voice, but it sounded more amused than mocking.

{You're damned right!} Snape agreed, then turned his attention back to Lupin. "I want to hear you cry out," he said, caressing Lupin's chest, then letting his hands slowly drift down Lupin's belly, past his waist...

"Ah!" Lupin cried, arching his back.

"I want to hear you call out my name," continued Snape, allowing his lips to follow the path his hands had taken, while he teasingly slid his fingers up along Lupin's inner thigh...
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sirius sat in his makeshift bedroom, which had once been the basement of Lupin's cottage. It had been cleaned up, but there were still deep scratches carved into the walls--the marks of a werewolf's claws. This was the room Lupin had locked himself in for safekeeping during the full moon, before the Wolfsbane Potion had been invented. Sirius shuddered in sympathy at the thought of his friend rending his own body with his teeth and claws. {Well, at least Snape is good for something,} Sirius thought disgruntledly. {If only for making the potion...}

"...Ah!"

Suddenly, a sharp cry jerked Sirius's attention away from the book he had been attempting to read. That voice was Lupin's; he sounded like he might be in pain. Sirius dropped the book and reached for his wand; what was that bastard Snape doing to him?!

"Ooohhh," Lupin's voice groaned, and Sirius felt his face grow hot, and knew without looking at a mirror that it must be turning beet-red. That was definitely not a groan of pain! He suddenly had a pretty good idea of what Snape must be doing to Lupin, but he did NOT want that image in his mind...

"Severus!" Lupin's voice called out, apparently oblivious to Sirius's discomfort. "Oh, Severus!"

Sirius scowled up at the ceiling; hadn't they ever heard of silence spells?! He threw himself down on the bed and pulled his pillow over his head, trying to muffle the sounds coming from the bedroom above him. But he it did not quite shut out the loud, rhythmic squeaking of bedsprings--all the furniture in Lupin's house was in various states of disrepair. Sirius scowled and stuffed his fingers in his ears.

"Severus! Oh, Severus, please! Oh please...oh yes yes YES!"

A lower voice moaned, then panted, "Lupin! I mean, Remus...sweet Remus...you feel so good..."

With horror, Sirius realized that was Snape's voice. Please Merlin, he did NOT want to listen to Snape having sex with his best friend!

"SEVERUS!" Lupin cried out, then his voice rapidly dissolved into frantic, incoherent moaning, gradually growing louder until it almost sounded like a wolf howling.

{That does it!} thought Sirius. He stood up on the bed and banged loudly on the basement ceiling, shouting, "DAMMIT, KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE! HAVEN'T YOU TWO EVER HEARD OF SILENCE SPELLS?!"

There was a brief silence, then both Lupin and Snape burst out laughing. If possible, Sirius's face turned even redder, and he wanted to slink away and crawl under a rock in complete and utter humiliation.

"If you don't like it, Black," Snape called out in a taunting voice, "you can always look for someplace else to stay!"

"Severus!" Lupin scolded in a stern voice, but the effect was ruined when he started giggling.

Snape said something that sounded suspiciously like, "Howl for me, Remus." Lupin continued to giggle, and the bedsprings started squeaking again.

"AARGH!" Sirius cried out in frustration, then picked up his wand and cast a silence spell on his own room, shutting out the sounds of his friend and his friend's slimy git lover. Blessed quiet fell over the room, but by now Sirius was too steamed to finish his book or go to sleep, and sat on his bed, arms crossed, silently stewing and calling down curses on Snape.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sirius sulked and pouted, avoiding both his friend and Snape for the next few days, which suited Snape just fine. He had thought having Black stay with them for the summer would be a living hell, but Snape found he was actually enjoying himself. It was difficult for him to overcome his normal inhibitions, but he found the effort was well-rewarded, not only by Lupin's gratitude but by the effect it had on Black. All he had to do bend down to kiss Lupin's cheek or nuzzle his neck as he sat reading by the fire, and Black would immediately flee from the room. The usually dour Potions Master found himself walking around with a smirk on his face and a spring in his step. As for Lupin, he was delighted with his lover's newfound affectionate and solicitous behavior, although he was quite aware of the less-than-altruistic motivation behind it. Sirius Black was the only one not happy with the situation.

However, the full moon was due to rise soon, and the mood in the cottage turned more serious. Sirius set aside his anger to be with his friend during his transformation. For his part, Snape also set aside his own attempts to provoke Black as he concentrated on brewing the Wolfsbane Potion for Lupin. It made Sirius very uncomfortable to watch Snape hand Lupin the smoking goblet in a solemn, almost tender manner. Lupin smiled, his fingers brushing against Snape's as he accepted the goblet, then drank down the potion in one gulp. Although it was no longer necessary for him to do so, Sirius transformed into his dog form to keep his friend company.

Snape watched as Black and Lupin transformed. The minor alterations he and Kamiyama had made to the potion last summer seemed to make the transformation easier and less painful, or perhaps it was simply that Lupin had learned to accept and embrace his inner wolf. In any case, the transformation was over quickly, and the large brown wolf got to his feet, giving himself a shake, as if settling into his new skin. The black dog padded over and touched noses affectionately with the wolf, who wagged his tail.

Snape was suddenly filled with an irrational sense of jealousy. It was absolutely ridiculous for him to feel left out just because he couldn't transform himself into a furry, four-legged beast! But he felt his fingers curling into fists, his nails biting deeply into his palms, as he watched the two canines bark and greet each other. Finally, when Black-the-dog licked Lupin's face with his pink tongue, Snape could stand it no longer. He lunged forward, shouting, "Get away from him!"

Startled, the dog actually backed up a few paces. Then he lowered his head and growled at Snape, baring his teeth. The dog tensed, leaning back as if preparing to pounce, and Snape reached into his robes for his wand.

Just then, Lupin leaped in front of Snape and snarled menacingly at Black. The dog looked both startled and hurt, and backed off, making a low noise--halfway between a growl and a whine--deep in his throat. Then the wolf turned to Snape and gave him a reproachful glare. Snape blushed and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Lupin."

Lupin licked his hand affectionately, then cocked his head and gave Snape a look that seemed to say, "There's no need to be jealous, you silly git! You know I love you!" He jumped up on his hind legs, placing his front paws against Snape's chest, and attempted to cover his face with wet, wolfish kisses. But Snape was a tall man, and the wolf had to stand up on his toes to reach Snape's face, leaving him slightly off-balance...

"Oof! Stop that Lupin, you're too heavy--" Snape stumbled, and they both fell backwards onto the floor with a loud crash. The Potions Master found himself flat on his back, with a large--and very heavy--wolf lying on his chest and staring at him with a look of concern in its blue eyes. Snape glared at Lupin, and that seemed to reassure the wolf that he was all right. Lupin barked happily and licked Snape's face enthusiastically, with long, wet swipes of his tongue. "Stop that, Lupin! Oof! I said cut that out--you're getting wolf drool all over me! Get off!" But he was laughing as he wrestled with the wolf, obviously fighting a losing battle.

Sirius lay down across the room, resting his head on his paws, and thought to himself in disgust, {I think I'm going to be sick...}

The wolf gave Snape's face one last swipe with his tongue, then rolled off him and allowed him to sit up. As Snape wiped his face on his robes, the wolf rolled over onto his back, throwing back his head to expose his throat and tucking his plumy tail between his hind legs. Sirius froze as he watched that; it was the act of a wolf submitting to a stronger wolf, usually the pack leader. Snape froze as well for a moment, his black eyes unreadable, then to Sirius's surprise and horror, he bent down and kissed the wolf's furry throat. {Oh please, sweet Merlin,} Sirius said silently, offering up a fervent prayer, {please, PLEASE don't let Snape do anything kinky with the wolf! It's bad enough watching them paw each other all the time when Moony's human!}

To Sirius' great relief, Snape kept the kiss brief and sat up again. Lupin crawled over and flopped down into his lap--at least as much of him as would fit, which was mainly his head and front legs. Snape stroked the wolf and scratched behind his ears, and Lupin's jaw dropped open in a canine grin as his tail slapped happily against the floor. Sirius watched in disbelief, feeling oddly left out. Was this really Severus Snape, sitting there with a contented smile on his sallow face, scratching Lupin behind the ears as if he were a pet dog? How could Lupin allow it? And what would Snape's Death Eater friends think if they could see him now? {Could Dumbledore and Lupin really be right about Snape?} he wondered. It was too incredible a concept for his mind to grasp right now. Sirius got to his feet and started to leave the room, but then decided not to let Snape drive him away. Even if Lupin didn't really need him anymore, he had promised to stay with his friend tonight, and he would keep his word. He cautiously crept over and lay down near Snape and Lupin. Moony greeted him with a friendly bark; Snape gave him a sour look but did not object.

"Just don't expect me to pet YOU," Snape muttered as he continued to stroke Lupin.

Sirius just growled quietly. {Don't worry, I wouldn't want your greasy hands anywhere near me!}

Lupin gave a short, sharp bark that sounded suspiciously like a laugh. He lay in Snape's lap, basking contentedly in the presence of the two people he loved best.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

The very next day, Snape left on a mysterious errand; he would tell neither Sirius nor Lupin where he was going. "None of your business," he told Sirius, and to Lupin he said in a less curt tone, "It's better if you don't know."

"Doesn't it bother you, Moony?" Sirius complained. "How do we know he's not going off to contact Voldemort?"

"If he is, no doubt it's at Dumbledore's behest," Lupin replied calmly. "We're all on the same side, remember? I have no doubt of Severus's loyalties."

Sirius scowled. "You're not exactly objective regarding him, Remus," he pointed out.

Lupin just grinned. "But I think we can both agree that Albus doesn't have the, ah, same reason for bias that I do, and he still trusts Severus."

Sirius winced. "Thanks a lot!" he said sarcastically. "Now I've got an image of Snape and Dumbledore in my head..."

"It's not my fault if you have a dirty mind," Lupin retorted. "As for not knowing where he is, of course I am concerned for his safety, but I can't really say that it bothers me. Severus believes he's protecting me by keeping his mission secret, and if it gives him peace of mind, I will abide by that. I don't want him walking into a potentially dangerous situation distracted by thoughts of me. And if, God forbid, the worse should happen, if we should be captured and tortured...well, we cannot tell what we do not know."

"We wouldn't--" Sirius started to protest.

"Anyone can be broken," Lupin replied quietly, a grave expression on his face.

Sirius wondered exactly when his eyes had become so sad and haunted, wondered what had happened to the laughing, mischievous boy he had known in school. Remus did not exactly look bitter and cynical, as Snape did, but there was no childish innocence or naivety left in him; he looked sad and weary, as if he had seen the very worst that the world had to offer. And why should he not? He suffered from a disease that made him an outcast, despised by the rest of the world; he had lived in poverty for the past nineteen years, save for his brief tenure at Hogwarts; he had seen three of his closest friends apparently murdered, and a fourth imprisoned for betraying them; and he had lost his childhood love... With horror, Sirius realized that he was responsible for at least part of his friend's pain. It was his fault James and Lily were dead, because he was the one who had persuaded them to make Peter their Secret Keeper. And it was his fault that Snape had turned against Lupin after the Shrieking Shack incident, back when they were teenagers. Snape was a slimy, untrustworthy git, but Lupin had sincerely--if not wisely--loved him. Sirius had honestly thought at the time that he was doing the right thing, but now he wasn't so sure. He'd had no idea that Lupin would be so devastated by the loss of his first love, no idea that he would spend nearly twenty years pining after the miserable bastard. He suddenly remembered Dumbledore telling him, "I fear you have destroyed two lives today," that fateful night. He hadn't cared if he destroyed Snape's life, but he had never meant to destroy Moony's. And...had he destroyed Snape's as well? Would Snape have joined the Death Eaters if Remus had been around to counter Malfoy's influence? Then Sirius quickly shook his head, as if trying to shake those disturbing thoughts from his mind. No matter what Sirius had done, Snape was still responsible for the choices he had made. After all, Sirius and Lupin had been betrayed as well, but neither of them went over to the side of the Dark Wizards...

"And if Voldemort used the Imperius Curse on you," Lupin continued, interrupting Sirius's thoughts, "you would have no choice."

Sirius just grunted, unable to argue with that statement, however little he liked it. Then, although it wasn't really any of his business, he couldn't help blurting out, "How could you do that the other night?" When Lupin just looked at him blankly, he added, "Submit to him, I mean, as a wolf..."

"Because he needed me to," Lupin said softly, his expression still grave, but mixed with tenderness as well.

"I don't understand," Sirius said helplessly.

"Severus has...issues...about control," Lupin said slowly, as if trying to decide how much he should tell Sirius. "You of all people should realize how strictly the typical Slytherin's--or, if you prefer, the typical purebred's--life is controlled by social hierarchy. Your friends, your occupation, even who you marry is determined by who your family is, and their station in life. Why do you think Lucius Malfoy had so much control over Slytherin House? His family was so powerful that he could have destroyed any of his classmates with a single word. As a student, Severus's life was controlled by others--by his parents, by Malfoy...I don't think you realize how much courage it took for him to rebel against them by taking up with me, even in secret."

"Hmmph," Sirius grunted, still not convinced; after all, he'd come from a family not unlike Snape's, but he hadn't gone over to the Death Eaters. "So to soothe Snape's ego, you just roll over and tuck your tail between your legs for him?"

If Lupin was offended by Sirius's deliberate rudeness, he didn't show it. "Why not?" he asked lightly. "It doesn't matter to me who's the dominant partner in our relationship." He laughed as Sirius suddenly blushed. The mischievous grin Sirius remembered so well from their boyhood days was back on Lupin's face, but there was a decidedly wicked and adult gleam in his eyes as well. "I was never really the alpha wolf type, Sirius."

Sirius's blush grew deeper. "I can't stand to think of Snape as your pack leader," he grumbled. "Particularly since I'm part of your pack."

"Oh, I don't expect YOU to submit to him," Lupin said, still grinning. "You two will have to fight that out amongst yourselves!"

"If we did, you'd take his side, like you did last night," Sirius grumbled.

"Is that what's really bothering you?" Lupin asked in exasperation. "Honestly, you and Severus are like two small children quarreling over which one of you Mother loves best!" Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but Lupin cut him off. "I'm not taking sides, but I won't let you hurt my mate! Nor would I let him hurt you."

"He started it," Sirius whined, then flushed again, realizing he wasn't exactly doing much to refute Lupin's accusation that he was behaving like a child.

"Severus was wrong to react that way," Lupin said quietly. "But he was jealous. And hurt."

"Jealous?" Sirius asked incredulously. "Of what? That he can't turn into a dog?!"

"Jealous of our closeness," Lupin explained patiently. "He's always been envious of my friendship with you and the others, even when we were boys. He never had a close friendship such as you and I--and James and Peter--shared. He doesn't talk about his family much, but I get the impression that they were not particularly warm and loving. I think he's afraid if I love someone else, such as you, or Harry, there will not be enough room in my heart left for him. That is why he finds you such a threat, Sirius, not because he really believes that you are a murderer."

Sirius just sat there, trying to picture Snape as a lonely, insecure, needy boy instead of a heartless Death Eater. The effort made his head spin; in fact, it was starting to give him a headache.

"Of course I have assured him numerous times of how much I love him. Intellectually, he knows it is true, but deep in his heart, he still fears I might leave him."

{Like he has a heart,} Sirius thought, but Lupin's words disturbed him.

"When I exposed my throat and submitted to Severus," Lupin continued, in that quiet, serious voice, "I was trying to comfort him, trying to reassure him that I loved him."

Sirius was silent for several minutes, lost in thought. Finally he asked, "If you submitted to him in order to comfort him and ease his fears, then doesn't that actually make you the stronger one?"

Lupin laughed gently. "Perhaps, but please don't tell Severus that!" When he saw the sly look on his friend's face, he added sharply, "I mean it, Sirius! If you use these things I have told you in confidence, in an attempt to help you better understand Severus--if you use them as fuel for petty insults, I will consider it a betrayal of my trust! Is that clear, Sirius?"

"Yes, Remus," Sirius mumbled, feeling resentful and slightly ashamed of himself.

"We are all supposed to be on the same side," Lupin reminded him. "You don't have to like Severus, but we must all work together. If we fight amongst ourselves, we are only making things easier for Voldemort."

"Yes, yes, I know," Sirius said sullenly. He had already heard this same lecture from Dumbledore several times already.

"Besides," Lupin said softly, "I love you both. I don't wish to see the two people who are dearest to me constantly at odds with each other. I know it's too much to expect you to become friends, but I had hoped you could at least behave civilly towards each other..."

Lupin sighed and Sirius felt guilty. "I'll call a truce if Snape will," he said grumpily. Then he jumped to his feet and paced around the room restlessly. "I wish Dumbledore would contact us! It's driving me crazy just sitting around doing nothing!"

"He'll be in touch soon," Lupin said comfortingly. His words proved to be true, for the Headmaster contacted them the following day about re-forming the Order of the Phoenix...
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Snape had made contact with the Death Eaters through Lucius Malfoy. He knew from what Lucius had told him, as well as from what Potter had said, that Voldemort was not pleased with him, to say the least. He and Karkaroff had both been branded traitors for failing to answer the Dark Lord's summons. Lucius had agreed to arrange a meeting and try to smooth things over, but warned Snape that he had better show sufficient penitence if wanted to walk out of that meeting alive. Snape felt a certain amount of fear, of course--only a fool would not--but he didn't really think Voldemort would kill him...at least not while he thought Snape might still be of some use to him.

There were only a few Death Eaters in attendance on the Dark Lord that night. They were all robed and masked, of course, but one had a cringing, fawning demeanor, and Snape wondered if that one was Wormtail. Snape instantly dropped to his hands and knees at Voldemort's feet, bowing down until his forehead touched the ground. "Master," he said, as he felt the Mark on his arm burn.

"Severus," Voldemort hissed, and Snape tried not to shudder. "I fear you have disappointed me greatly, you who were once my most promising pupil, you who were once so eager to learn the Dark Arts...I should kill you for not heeding my call that night. But...on the other hand, you are either very brave or very foolish to come here after incurring my anger, and I confess I am intrigued."

"Neither brave nor foolish, my Lord," said Snape, not raising his head from the ground, "but practical. There is no point in trying to escape your vengeance by fleeing, as Karkaroff has, for your wrath will only be greater when you finally apprehend the miscreant, which is inevitable."

Voldemort laughed, a harsh and blood-chilling sound. "You amuse me, Severus. You may rise."

"Thank you, Master," Snape murmured as he got to his feet, still keeping his eyes downcast--partly as a show of humility, and partly to avoid having to look into Voldemort's glowing red eyes.

"Do not thank me yet, Severus," Voldemort said coldly. "I have not yet forgiven you. Practical man that you are, why did you not answer my summons? Surely you knew your loyalty would be in doubt."

"Dumbledore was at my side constantly that night," Snape replied in a respectful tone. "He has watched me carefully ever since the Dark Mark was cast at the Quidditch World Cup. He keeps me around as his pet reformed Death Eater, as proof that his liberal policies are a success, but he is not a complete fool; he has kept me on a short leash. I could not answer your call without Dumbledore realizing where I was going."

"And do you fear Dumbledore more than you fear me?" Voldemort asked in a low voice filled with such menace that all the other Death Eaters, including Lucius, took a step back.

"No, Master," said Snape, dropping back to his knees. "I did not fear him, but rather I feared losing my usefulness to you. If I became openly branded as a Death Eater, I would lose my position at Hogwarts, and you would lose a spy. Have you any other servants positioned so closely to Dumbledore, my Lord?"

"Who my other servants are is none of your concern!"

"Forgive my impertinence, Master," Snape said humbly, but he knew by the sharpness in Voldemort's voice that he was right. The Dark Lord had no other spies in the castle; if he wanted one, he would have to accept Snape back into the fold.

"Your tongue has become almost as smooth as our dear friend Lucius's," Voldemort said, in a less threatening tone, but still stared down at Snape suspiciously. "But your pragmatism worries me, Severus. You became Dumbledore's pet to save your life, and now you would become mine once more. How do I know you will not change sides yet again?"

"Because you will kill me if I betray you," Snape replied in a level tone.

Voldemort laughed again, and Lucius Malfoy hesitantly took a step forward. "As Head of Slytherin House, Snape has looked after the interests of the pureblood families during his time at Hogwarts, my Lord," Lucius said ingratiatingly. "He has watched over our children, including my son, Draco. If he were removed from his position, his replacement might not be so sympathetic towards us..."

"There is that," Voldemort agreed. "But I can tolerate no disobedience, no matter what the cause. I will forgive you, Severus--this one time--but you must still be punished."

"I will accept whatever punishment you deem appropriate, Master," Snape said without hesitation.

"CRUCIO!" shouted Voldemort, pointing his wand at Snape.

Snape fell to the ground, writhing and screaming in pain. He did not try to hold back his screams; it was physically impossible, and Voldemort would have seen any such attempt as defiance. But he did not plead for mercy, either, for the Dark Lord had none. He did not know how long the agonizing, searing pain went on--it could have been minutes or hours--but his throat was raw and sore from screaming when Voldemort finally lifted his wand and ended the spell.

"You have courage, at least," the Dark Lord said, sounding mildly pleased with him. "He does not grovel or beg for mercy like some others we know...don't you agree, Wormtail?"

"Yes, Master," the cringing figure said in a whiny tone, and though he had not heard it in years, Snape recognized the voice--and the whine--as Peter Pettigrew's.

{So Lupin was right,} Snape thought heavily as he lay on the ground gasping for breath. {Black really was innocent...} But the knot of hatred and bitterness in his heart did not loosen; he still could not forgive Black for destroying his relationship with Lupin all those years ago...

"Welcome back, Severus," Voldemort said with a smile that was even more terrifying than his anger, and Snape pushed all thoughts of Black and Lupin out of his mind for now; he could not afford to be distracted. "But mind you do not misplace your loyalty again..."

"Never, Master," Snape said, pushing himself up onto his hands and knees. He crawled over to Voldemort and kissed the hem of his robe. "Thank you, Master."

"You may rise, Severus. Now come, I wish to hear what my old enemy has been doing all these years. And Lucius tells me that the son of my late, faithful servant Evan Rosier is a student at Hogwarts...I want to hear all about him; if he is worthy, you must groom him to follow in his father's footsteps..."
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

With a loud crack, Snape Apparated back into Lupin's living room. Lupin stared at him in concern, and Sirius in alarm, because Snape was paler than usual--he looked like a walking corpse, and his face was haggard; the light from the fireplace cast flickering shadows that made the lines on his face look even deeper than normal. But it was the look in his eyes that was the most disturbing--they looked haunted, filled with despair and horror.

"Severus!" Lupin cried, jumping up from his chair and running over to him. "Are you all right?"

"Lupin," Snape croaked in a hoarse whisper, and the other two men looked even more alarmed. His voice had a painfully raspy quality to it, not unlike that of someone with a very bad cold, as if his throat were raw from coughing--or screaming. Then to Sirius's complete astonishment, Snape took Lupin in his arms and held him tightly, burying his face in Lupin's hair. This was not like the times he had taunted Sirius by kissing or touching Lupin in front of him; rather, it was the act of a man clinging to an anchor in sheer desperation, for fear he might be swept away by a storm...

"Remus," Snape whispered, clinging to his lover desperately, digging his fingers into Lupin's flesh so hard that he must be leaving bruises, but he couldn't seem to stop himself and Lupin didn't complain. The Mark on Snape's arm throbbed dully, and his body still twinged with echoes of pain from the Cruciatus Curse, but what bothered him most of all was that he felt...dirty. Voldemort had not physically touched him, but he felt as if he were covered in filth, as if he would never be able to wash the taint of the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters off his skin. He should not be touching Remus with his unclean hands, but his lover was the only thing standing between him and a descent into madness. He held Lupin even more tightly, and pressed his face against Lupin's hair, feeling its smooth softness beneath his cheek, and tried to forget Voldemort's glowing red eyes, tried to forget the humiliation of crawling to his former master on his hands and knees to kiss the hem of his robe... He pulled back slightly so he could look into Lupin's eyes, seeing pale blue instead of crimson, seeing love and concern instead of the Dark Lord's malevolence and the Death Eaters' fawning fear. The look in Lupin's eyes was pure and sweet, like a taste of clean, clear water after swimming in muck. "Remus, please," he whispered, and kissed Lupin hungrily. He knew Black was watching, and later he would probably be angry at himself for letting his old enemy see him in such a state of weakness, but right now nothing mattered but his need to obliviate--if only for a short time--the memory of Voldemort and his Death Eaters, and the role Snape would have to play among them in the days--and possibly years--to come.

"Please, Remy, please," Snape whispered urgently, pulling an unresisting Lupin down to the floor with him. Sirius quietly left the room, not because he was angry or disgusted, as he had been the first time he had overheard them making love, but because he felt intensely uncomfortable seeing Snape without his usual masks, with all his pain and need laid bare. Sirius felt somehow embarrassed, as if he had accidentally seen Snape naked. {Oh great,} he thought to himself as he headed to his room in the basement. {Like I want THAT image in my head...!}

Lupin was relieved that Sirius left the room without arguing or even making a sarcastic comment. Severus was the one who needed him right now, and he didn't have time to play referee or soothe Padfoot's hurt ego. What disturbed Lupin even more than Severus's haunted eyes was the fact that he kept whimpering, "Please, Remy, please," as he tore at Lupin's clothes and covered the exposed flesh with hungry kisses, and Lupin's mind kept worrying even as his body responded to his lover's hands and lips. "Please" was simply not a word in Severus Snape's vocabulary; Lupin could probably count on the fingers of one hand the number of times he had heard Severus say the word aloud, and he rarely used it lightly. And Severus never called him anything but "Lupin" or "Remus". Occasionally he used Lupin's old nickname "Moony," but only in sarcasm, when he was angry. But he never, ever used the affectionate diminutive "Remy". Lupin wasn't sure why; perhaps because that was what Peter, James, and Sirius had called him, and Severus either didn't want to be reminded of them, or didn't feel he had the right to use that special nickname with Lupin. Or perhaps it was simply his naturally formal manner; Lupin never tried to shorten Severus's name to "Sev" or "Sevie" because he remembered how much Severus had hated that in school. But, whatever the reason, the only time Severus had ever called him "Remy" was that night in the Shrieking Shack, when Lupin--with no Wolfsbane Potion yet available to keep him sane--had attacked Severus in his wolf form. And Severus had struggled with the wolf, whimpering, "please, Remy, please," in that same pleading tone. It had been that soft, desperate voice that restored Lupin to sanity long enough for James to save Severus. And no matter how much Severus hated James for that, Lupin would always be grateful to him, for saving the life of his beloved. But Severus had never called him by that name again, until now, and there was just as much fear and need in his voice as there had been then.

He now knew where Severus had gone: as he had suspected, Severus must have made contact with the Death Eaters; surely nothing else could have affected him this way. After all the lectures Lupin had given both Severus and Sirius about respect and choices, he suddenly wanted to go to Dumbledore and forbid him to let Severus continue to spy for him. Was even the laudable goal of saving the world worth the cost, if the price was Severus's soul? {I'm sorry,} he silently apologized to Severus, having newfound sympathy for his lover's decision to protect him from the Death Eaters by rejecting him fourteen years ago.

"I love you, Severus," he said, reaching up to caress Snape's face, and he saw a little sanity flicker back into his lover's black eyes. Snape was too frantic, too needy to be gentle with Lupin, but he responded to the gentleness in Lupin's touch, seeming to crave it. So Lupin responded to each bruising kiss, each sharp love-bite, and each painfully tight embrace with a tender caress, a gentle kiss, and a whispered endearment.

Before he knew what was happening, Snape found himself making love to Lupin right on the living room floor. A very small corner in the back of his mind, the only part of him not overwhelmed by fear and need and lust, sincerely hoped that Black had left the room. He thrust hard into Lupin, literally trying to drown himself in his lover's body. He was too desperate to be gentle, and he hoped he wasn't hurting Lupin, although he suspected he was--he could already see bruises forming on Lupin's shoulders, where his hands were clamped down, as if he were afraid Lupin might vanish if he let go. But he couldn't stop himself, and Lupin didn't protest. Lupin whispered, "I love you," and wrapped his arms and legs around Snape, drawing him close in a firm, yet gentle embrace. Snape moaned as he looked into Lupin's eyes, seeing the wolf's hunger and the man's tenderness. "It's all right, Severus," Lupin whispered reassuringly. "I want you, I need you." He arched his back, lifting his body to meet Snape's, rather than pulling away, and Snape took his lover at his word and let go of his self-control. He crushed Lupin's mouth with his own until he tasted blood on his lips, continued thrusting into Lupin with hard, frenzied strokes, and held Lupin as tightly as he could, his fingers clutching convulsively and digging deep into Lupin's flesh, as if Snape were trying to sink right through his lover's skin and become one with him. He heard Lupin cry out, in pain, in pleasure, or both. He felt Lupin come a moment later, which triggered his own climax, an overwhelming wave of ecstasy that coursed through his body, banishing any trace of rational thought...

Much later, when Snape found he could think clearly--or just think at all--again, he found himself lying beside Lupin on the floor in front of the fireplace. "This is getting to be a habit," he said in the hoarse whisper that was all his throat could manage right now, recalling the time they had made love in this very same spot last summer, shortly before school had started. Come to think of it, Lupin had been trying to comfort him and keep his demons at bay back then, as he had just now. And Snape found that he did indeed feel better; he was still shaken by his encounter with Voldemort, but that horrible feeling of despair was gone, and he felt almost clean again.

Lupin smiled at him and said, "I'm glad you feel well enough to joke, Severus."

Snape saw with a start that Lupin's lower lip was swollen and oozing a thin trickle of blood. Guiltily, he examined his lover's body, and found dark bruises in the places he had been holding Lupin earlier, on his waist and back and especially his shoulders. "I'm so sorry," he said apologetically, as he gently kissed each bruise and, very carefully, Lupin's bloody lip. "I didn't mean to..."

"It's all right, Severus," Lupin assured him with an amused smile. "Werewolves are quite resilient." When Snape still looked anxious, he added, "And besides, the wolf likes it when you're rough," then blushed furiously.

Snape couldn't help but chuckle at that, even though it hurt his throat. "My shy, wanton little werewolf," he crooned, kissing Lupin again, although he was still careful to be gentle. "I thought you liked tenderness too, though...?"

"Oh, I do," Lupin said hastily, still blushing. "I like it both ways." Then his face turned even redder as Snape grinned wickedly at his unintended double-entendre. "What I mean to say is, ah...variety is the spice of life, right?"

"You're so cute when you blush, Lupin," Snape said, still grinning, and Lupin laughed. Snape smiled fondly at his lover. Lupin had always found it easy to laugh at himself; he never seemed to worry much about his pride or looking foolish. Sometimes he wished he could be more like Lupin... "I love you, Remus," he said, more seriously. Although he still found the words difficult to say, he resolved to say them more often. He could be killed at any time, after all, and he didn't want to die without having told Remus how much he loved him.

"I love you too, Severus," Lupin said softly. He reached out and ran his fingers across the Mark on Snape's left arm, which still looked painfully dark. "I understand now, why you felt you had to protect me, after Voldemort fell the first time," he said solemnly. "Because I feel the same urge myself now, to protect you." Snape opened his mouth and Lupin quickly added, "I know I can't stop you from doing what you must, and I know you can make no promises, but please..." His voice dropped to a whisper. "Please try to come home safely to me, Severus."

"Always, Remus," Snape whispered back, lifting Lupin's hand to his lips, tenderly kissing the fingers that had just caressed the Dark Mark on his arm. "Do you know why I turned against the Death Eaters and became a spy for Dumbledore?" he asked suddenly.

"Because it was the right thing to do," Lupin replied automatically.

"You always had such faith in me, Lupin," Snape said, smiling a little sadly. "Even when I didn't deserve it. Yes, my conscience bothered me...but I think it bothered me because of you. Because I wanted to be the kind of man who was worthy of your love, even though I had lost you and never expected to get you back."

Lupin stared at him in shock. Although he thought he understood Severus pretty well, his lover still had the capacity to surprise him at the most unexpected moments... "I...you..." he stammered. "You didn't have to do that! I would never have asked--"

Snape gently placed a finger against his lips. "I know. I chose to do it. Don't blame yourself."

"You are such an idiot, Severus," Lupin said, but his tone was affectionate. "Suffering in silence all those years! I would have taken you back at any time--"

"I know," Snape said almost meekly. "That I was an idiot, I mean. But Albus often likes to point out that I can be extremely stubborn..."

"Yes, you are," Lupin agreed, but he was not really angry, in spite of all those wasted years. He was just grateful to have Severus back at all; it was more than he had ever dreamed was possible after that night in the Shrieking Shack. He would not waste time bemoaning the past, but simply treasure every moment they had together now. "Come," he said, rising to his feet and holding out a hand to Snape. "It's late, and you're tired. Come to bed; we have much to discuss, but it can wait till tomorrow."

Snape took Lupin's hand and let the other man pull him up. Then he bent down to gather their discarded robes, and glanced around the room, suddenly remembering that he had never noticed Black leaving it.

Lupin seemed to read his thoughts and smiled. "Don't worry," he said in a dry voice. "Sirius left before the first articles of clothing started coming off. I think he would rather be tortured by Death Eaters than have to watch us make love. Although I'm not sure why you're so concerned, seeing as how you've become something of an exhibitionist lately..."

"Don't make me laugh, Lupin; my throat hurts," Snape said, and let his lover lead him to bed.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Breakfast the next morning was a subdued affair. Both Snape and Sirius were very quiet and too embarrassed to look each other in the eye. It was a little awkward, but Lupin preferred the silence to their usual sniping and arguing. But finally, he broke the silence to tell Snape that Dumbledore had contacted them while he was gone, with the news that the Order of the Phoenix was being re-formed.

"Well, that makes sense," Snape said, sounding unsurprised.

"You know about the Order?" asked Sirius, who did sound surprised, at Snape's comment, if not Lupin's news.

"Of course I know about the Order, you imbecile," Snape replied in the haughty tone he usually used with Black. "Who do you think fed them all their secret information?"

"But you were never a member--"

"I was working undercover," Snape replied in that same superior tone of voice. "Let me see if I can explain it in simpler terms for you, Black: that means no one but Dumbledore and Blackmore knew what I was doing. Because otherwise, word might have gotten back to the Dark Lord, and he would have killed me--which I know would have hardly broken your heart--but then there would have been no one left to spy for your precious Order."

"Why you snotty little--"

"Sirius! Severus! Knock it off!" Lupin shouted impatiently. "We're all on the same side, remember? And this time around, we are all members of the Order, Severus included!" The two of them subsided, but glared at each other. Lupin sighed, dreading the next bit of news he had to break to Severus. "We have recruited several members, but the Order needs to remain secret, particularly with the stance the Ministry has taken against Dumbledore. A secret headquarters was needed, one that cannot be found or entered except by members of the Order, and Sirius has graciously offered the use of his family house--"

"WHAT?!" bellowed Snape.

Sirius smirked and said, "Better be nice to me Snape, if you want me to let you into the house--"

Lupin shot Sirius a glare and said pointedly, "ALL members of the Order will be able to come and go at will, but no one else will be able to enter, or even find the house without being given permission by the Headmaster. The Black house is ideal, because it's Unplottable--"

"My late, unlamented dad was rather paranoid," Sirius murmured.

"--And Albus has added his protections to it. He will be Secret-Keeper for the Order; no one will be able to find it unless he personally tells them where it is."

"Of course," Sirius interjected in a casual tone, "the house is in a state of disrepair. Needs a bit of cleaning up. We'll be heading over tomorrow to start getting it ready--"

"'We'?" Snape asked softly, his eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"Me and Moony," Sirius said, still in that oh-so-casual tone. "We were just waiting for you to get back before we started packing. Remus didn't want to leave without saying goodbye, of course--"

"WHAT?!"

"Severus--" Lupin began.

"All the members will be free to come and go, as Moony said," Sirius interrupted, a smug smile on his face. "Most of them have homes and jobs they need to attend to. But Remy and I will be living there--"

"WHAT?!" Snape's furious gaze swiveled back and forth between Sirius and Lupin.

"It's only practical,"Sirius said, enjoying himself thoroughly. "Someone needs to run the headquarters and--"

"It's your house," snarled Snape. "Shouldn't that be your job, not Lupin's?"

"Don't be such a selfish git!" Sirius retorted. "With you running off doing your secret spy thing, Remus will be alone when you're not here. Things will start getting dangerous once we start moving against old Voldie, and he'll be safer at my house than alone in this cottage out in the middle of nowhere."

Snape opened his mouth to protest, then his eyes went wide and his face went pale as Black's words sunk in. The thought of Lupin being here alone, unprotected...

Lupin seemed to be reading his thoughts. "I am hardly defenseless," he said dryly to both his friend and his lover. "My specialty is Defense Against the Dark Arts, after all. But Sirius is right that it will be safer there, and it will be easier to operate out of a central base, not to mention communicate with the other members of the Order."

Snape closed his mouth and scowled. He didn't like it, but he couldn't argue with that. Black smirked again and Snape felt a strong urge to punch him in the face.

"Of course," Lupin added in a placating tone, "that doesn't mean that we can't sneak off alone somewhere together when we have some spare time. And of course, you can stay at headquarters, too."

Sirius was now the one scowling, but he did not--quite--contradict Lupin. "Of course you don't want to be running back and forth too much, Sevie--"

"Sirius!" snapped Lupin.

"Don't call me 'Sevie'!" snarled Snape.

"--in case your Death Eater friends are keeping tabs on you. Even if they can't enter the house, you don't want them to know you're associating with us. Wouldn't want to blow your cover, after all."

"I know how to avoid being followed, Black," Snape growled.

"Oh, and the Weasley family will be moving in later, at least for the summer, to help me get the place in order. You know, Molly and Arthur and the kids..." Sirius felt quite smug as he watched the expression on Snape's face keep changing, as if he could not decide whether to be angry or horrified. He knew Snape would not want to make kissy-face with Lupin in front of witnesses, particularly ones who were also his students.

Lupin was glaring at Sirius. "Molly and Arthur won't care about our personal relationship, Severus--"

"But it's nobody's business but ours!" protested Snape. "And the brats will gossip--"

"We can be discreet, Severus," Lupin said, in the tone of someone whose patience was being sorely tested. "The children don't have to know; no one but the three of us has to know, if you insist."

"I do insist!" said Snape, a little edge of hysteria creeping into his voice.

"Fine," sighed Lupin. "We'll begin moving in tomorrow. You can help us if you're not busy."

Snape sulked, Sirius smirked, and Lupin sighed again and began finishing his now-cold breakfast. Then something Snape had said belatedly registered in Sirius's mind. "Wait a minute--Blackmore knew you were a spy?" he asked.

"Yes," said Snape, still sulking. "Dumbledore didn't want too many people to know, but he said Blackmore could be trusted to keep her own counsel, and he seemed to think that if she believed I really were a Death Eater it would cause her emotional distress." He snorted at the thought of cold, terrifying Professor Blackmore showing such sentiment. "More likely he was afraid she'd kill me if she didn't know the truth."

Another silence fell over the breakfast table as the thoughts of all three men turned back towards their old professor...
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Lupin's mind drifted back to his fifth year, a couple of weeks after the Shrieking Shack incident...
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

He tried to approach Severus as Incantations class ended, in another futile attempt to apologize to him. But Severus just sneered and pushed him aside as he headed for the door. Lupin stumbled and fell against a desk, dropping his books onto the floor.

"Mr. Snape!" Blackmore called out in her usual imperious tone.

"It's my fault, Professor," Lupin said hastily. "I wasn't watching where I was going, and I bumped into Severus."

Blackmore's eyes narrowed, but she said nothing, and Snape quickly hurried out of the classroom before she could change her mind, but he shot Lupin a startled and resentful look. Lupin sighed, fighting back tears, as he bent down to pick up his books. Sirius left without looking back; he was still mad at Lupin for chasing after Snape. James and Peter started to help him, but Blackmore sent them on their way with an impatient gesture of her hand. When the room was empty except for the two of them, she knelt down beside him and helped him gather up his things, then said gently, "Don't give up on him, Mr. Lupin. Give things some time to heal."

Lupin looked up at her startled. He had never heard her use that kindly tone of voice before, and her green eyes were filled with sympathy and sadness. He wondered what she knew, if Dumbledore had told her what happened in the Shrieking Shack that night. He had thought it was supposed to be a secret. "Y--yes, Professor," Lupin stammered. She said nothing more, and Lupin hurried on to his next class.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

{But I did give up,} the adult Lupin thought guiltily. Time did not seem to heal Snape's wounds, and after several weeks, Lupin eventually gave up trying to talk to him. He went through the rest of the school year, and the next two that followed, feeling hollow and numb inside. He made up--sort of--with Sirius, and took some comfort in his friendship with the other three Marauders, but he was never again the same mischievous, playful boy he had been before. He was no longer interested in their old adventures, exploring the school and running through the forest. James seemed to mature after that experience as well, becoming less arrogant and more thoughtful, but Snape never forgave him. And truthfully, despite the fact that he had saved Snape, James never stopped hating him either. In fact, he probably hated him more, for hurting Lupin's feelings. Severus, of course, had gone on to join Malfoy's in-crowd, and had eventually become a Death Eater.

{If I hadn't given up so easily,} Lupin wondered, {could I have stopped him? Could I have saved him?} Severus had eventually found his way back to the light, but Lupin might have been able to spare him years of torment and the permanent scars Voldemort had left on his soul...
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Snape, too, recalled Blackmore talking to him shortly after the Shrieking Shack incident...
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Snape and his Slytherin classmates burst out laughing as a black geyser shot up out of Sirius Black's ink bottle and into his face. Black spluttered and reached for his wand. "I know that was you, Snape!"

"Prove it, Black!"

"Why you--"

"Enough!" snapped Blackmore. "Black, go get cleaned up."

"But--"

"Now!"

There was no arguing with that tone of voice; Black gave Snape one last glare as he picked up his books and left the room.

"Class dismissed. Read chapter seven of your text, and be prepared to be tested on it tomorrow." The class groaned as they filed out of the room. "Mr. Snape, I'll see you in my office!"

"Uh oh," muttered Wilkes, giving Snape a look of sympathy.

The other Slytherins just looked relieved that Blackmore had singled out only Snape. "Better you than us, mate!" said Rosier, clapping Snape on the shoulder.

Snape just gave Rosier a cold stare. "Don't call me 'mate', and get your hand off my shoulder or I'll remove it for you." From the look on his face, by "remove," he meant "sever at the wrist". Rosier hastily removed his hand as Snape followed their teacher out of the room.

"Couldn't happen to a nicer guy," muttered Lestrange.

Snape sat in front of Blackmore's desk, bracing himself for whatever punishment she was about to dole out. But she didn't yell at him or assign him detention; she didn't even look angry. But she gave him a long, penetrating stare, as if she were trying to see right into his soul, which made him extremely uncomfortable. He sat rigidly still, forcing himself not to squirm. Finally, she said, in an almost mild tone, "You should choose your friends with more care, Mr. Snape."

He blinked. That was not what he had been expecting. "I have, Professor," he said coolly. "My friends come from all the oldest, most prominent wizarding families--"

But the Professor was shaking her head. "That means nothing, Mr. Snape." She picked up a shiny gold rock that had been serving as a paperweight, holding down a stack of essays on her desk. "Do you know what this is, Mr. Snape?"

He peered at it closely. "Pyrite?"

"Very good, Mr. Snape. Pyrite, otherwise known as Fool's Gold. Shiny and pretty on the surface, but worthless dross inside."

"I'm sure the Malfoys and the Rosiers would be fascinated to learn that you think of their sons as 'worthless dross'." {Oh my God, did I just talk back to Blackmore?!}

Bane gave him a baleful look from his perch behind the desk, but Blackmore went on as if she hadn't heard him. "I'm very disappointed in you, Mr. Snape."

"Excuse me?" Snape played dumb, but he had a sinking feeling about where this conversation was heading...

"You and Mr. Lupin worked so well together--"

"We completed our project; now it's over," said Snape curtly. "There's no reason for us to continue to associate with each other."

Blackmore gave him a look of impatience and disappointment, as if her star student had suddenly become as dim as Goyle or Crabbe. It made him feel both ashamed and resentful. "A true friend is a rare treasure that should not be discarded like a piece of dross," she said coldly. "Or--discarded in exchange for a piece of dross."

Snape's face turned red; she had no right to talk to him like this, Professor or no! "Lupin is not my friend! And it's none of your business!"

"You seemed quite friendly over the Christmas holidays."

"Well, you are mistaken!"

"I never thought you were a coward, Severus," she said quietly.

"Excuse me?!"

"To run at the first sign of trouble," she continued in that quiet voice.

"I'm not running!"

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Aren't you?" As Snape sat there, flustered, torn between shame and anger, Blackmore continued in a more gentle voice, "Nothing worth having is easy, Severus. In any relationship, there will be problems, misunderstandings, arguments, that must be worked out."

"Lupin and I don't HAVE a relationship!"

"You will never have a true friend, Mr. Snape, if you flee every time the other person lets you down--"

"I have plenty of friends!"

"You have allies," Blackmore corrected. "Allies who will be your 'friends' as long as you have something they want, and who will discard you when you are no longer useful."

"Fine. I have allies. They are using me, but I am using them as well. You see," he said sarcastically, "it's a mutually beneficial relationship." He added defiantly, "I don't need friends!"

"We all need friends, Mr. Snape," the Professor said. She looked sad, which frightened Snape a little; he much preferred the cold, terrifying Professor to this compassionate woman. "Mr. Lupin did not betray you," she added quietly. "And if you would be honest with yourself, you would realize that is the truth."

Only his deeply-ingrained fear of her kept Snape from running out of the room right then and there. "I'll be late for my next class, Professor," he said, fighting to keep his voice emotionless. "May I be dismissed?"

She sighed wearily. "Yes, you may go." He fled the room, but took one glance back at the door, and saw her staring at the paperweight on her desk. She did not look up at him, but said in a voice so soft that he could barely hear it, "I only hope you realize what you have thrown away before it is too late."

Wilkes was waiting for him down the hall, which comforted Snape a little. "Hey," said Wilkes with relief. "You made it out in one piece! Did she give you detention?"

"No, she never even mentioned the ink bottle incident."

"Then what did she want?"

"A little heart-to-heart chat," Snape said scornfully. "If I didn't know better, I would think she was actually Dumbledore in disguise!"

Wilkes gave him a curious look. "What did she say?"

"Oh, some nonsense about choosing my friends more carefully."

Wilkes laughed. "She gave me the same lecture the other day, too! Something about how I shouldn't be a sheep. Baa baa!" He continued his sheep imitation as they hurried to their next class, ignoring the other students who looked at him in askance. Snape laughed and tried to put Blackmore's lecture out of his mind.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

{But she was right,} Snape thought grimly. {We behaved like sheep, and it cost Wilkes his life. And I traded someone who loved me for a piece of worthless dross...}
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sirius remembered when he and Blackmore had both been members of the Order; he had been an Auror-in-training under her supervision. She had made it clear that she thought he was too impulsive and reckless to be an Auror, but their ranks had grown thin, thanks to the Death Eaters, and the Ministry was desperate. Accepting the inevitable, she took him under her wing, to "minimize the damage," she claimed. Sirius was a little resentful of her attitude, but he respected her--in fact, was still a little afraid of her, despite the fact that he was now an adult--and was determined to win her respect in return.

One day, she and Sirius, along with Alastor Moody and another trainee named Miles Dempsey, were sent to apprehend two Death Eaters--former classmates of Sirius's named Evan Rosier and Lyall Wilkes. They caught the two in the act of ransacking the house of a Muggle-born wizard, who managed to escape in the confusion as a fierce battle ensued. Spells were hurled back and forth, reducing the house to ruins, but finally it became clear that the two Death Eaters were losing: despite the power Voldemort had given them, they were outnumbered, and Blackmore and Moody alone were more powerful than they.

"It's over!" Moody shouted. "Come along quietly and we'll spare your lives!"

"What for?" snarled Rosier. "So we can rot in Azkaban? No thanks, I'd rather die!" A red beam of light shot out from his wand; Moody jumped out of the way just in time, and the wall behind him exploded into splinters.

"ARIANE IS PREGNANT, YOU IDIOT!" shouted Blackmore, and Rosier froze, a stunned look on his face. Blackmore lifted her hand, motioning for her comrades to hold their fire.

"Y--you're lying!" he stammered. "She never said--and how would you know, anyway?!"

"She probably didn't want to worry you," Blackmore said. "She's been throwing up a lot recently, hasn't she?" By the look on Rosier's face, she must have been right. "You thought it was a touch of the flu, but those healing potions haven't helped her...because no one's found a cure for morning sickness yet."

"You're gonna be a DAD?" exclaimed Wilkes excitedly, apparently forgetting for a moment that they were in the middle of a heated battle.

"Don't throw away your life, Evan," Blackmore said in a soft, yet urgent voice. "Ariane needs you, the baby needs you--"

"I can't...I can't betray my Lord," said Rosier, but he looked shaken. "And...what good will I do them in prison? I'd rather die, than have the Dementors steal my soul!"

"Voldemort has already stolen your soul," growled Moody, but Blackmore shushed him.

"Evan, Lyall," she said in that same soft voice, "if you show repentance, the courts will show mercy." They looked dubious. "I will help you, I swear, I will speak on your behalf! I remember the boys you were in school...I do not believe those boys were evil. Misguided, perhaps, but not evil. I remember the boy who had the gall to ask me for a dance at the Yule Ball, Evan. And I remember, Lyall, your loyalty to your friends, and how you would serve detention alone, scrubbing bedpans in the infirmary, rather than give up Evan's name when you were caught pulling a prank. All my wealth, power, and influence I will use on your behalf, if you will truly renounce your allegiance to Voldemort!"

Blackmore's wealth and influence were considerable, and Sirius and Miles stared at her in shock, and Moody in disgust; why would she go so far out on a limb for two Death Eaters, who had tortured and probably killed countless Muggles and Muggle-born?

Wilkes looked frightened and uncertain; he turned to Rosier for support. Rosier spoke defiantly, but he looked a little unsure of himself as well. "You want me to betray my Master?"

"He has already betrayed you, Evan; he cares nothing for you, he is only using you--"

"That's not true!" protested Wilkes. "He's trying to save the wizard race--"

Blackmore ignored him, focusing on Rosier. "Evan, please, surrender for the baby's sake! Don't let your child grow up without a father! Don't bequeath your son a legacy of blood and hatred!"

"A son?" he whispered. "It's a boy?" Blackmore nodded. Sirius had no idea how she knew this, but Rosier seemed to believe her, and for a moment it seemed that she had persuaded him. Then his face hardened, and he said, "My son will not have a coward or a traitor for a father!" He lifted his wand, but pointed it in Moody's direction, not Blackmore's. "Avada--"

"Fulmen!" shouted Moody, and a lightning bolt leaped out of his wand, heading straight towards the two Death Eaters. They dove out of the way; Rosier was unable to complete his spell, and Wilkes was wounded, crying out in pain as the bolt grazed him. He fell to the ground, dropping his wand and clutching at his right arm--the sleeve of his robe had burned away, leaving seared flesh beneath it.

Blackmore had begun muttering an incantation, and before the two could recover from the attack, shadowy black tentacles exploded up through the floor, reaching up to bind the Death Eaters. Rosier struggled for a few minutes, then suddenly lowered his wand and said, "All right, I give up!"

"You should have accepted Branwen's offer of mercy," sneered Dempsey, as he approached Rosier. He was clearly thrilled that they would be bringing in two captives; Sirius knew that he was eager to advance himself and become a full Auror.

"NO!" screamed Blackmore. "It's a trick!" Sirius was startled, but silently cursed himself; he should have realized Rosier would never give up so easily. He raised his wand and started forward, but Blackmore grabbed him--with a strength that was surprising for a slim woman considerably shorter and lighter than he was--and dragged him behind her. She raised her wand, shouted a charm, and a shield of red light appeared in front of them, just as Dempsey reached Rosier.

Rosier's dark eyes had a wild, malicious gleam to them. He smiled and whispered, "Mors Incurso," and snapped his wand in two. Death Strike. It was a very ancient spell, almost never used, because it cost the caster his life. But when death was inevitable, it could be used to take an enemy down with you...

A huge explosion rocked what remained of the house. Despite the shield, Blackmore and Sirius were knocked to the ground, but were otherwise unharmed. The others were not so lucky. Dempsey was dead, reduced to a charred corpse. Moody, who had been trying to reach Dempsey, had not had time to fully shield himself, and his face and chest were a bloody, mangled mess. There seemed to be a large chunk missing from his nose. Of Rosier, there was nothing left but ashes. Wilkes lay wounded, charred, and bleeding on the floor, but was still alive. He raised his wand in a trembling hand.

"No, Lyall," Blackmore whispered.

"I can't betray Evan," he whispered back. "I'm sorry." But although Blackmore was closer to him, Wilkes, like Rosier, pointed his wand at Moody. "Avada--"

"Expelliarmus!" Blackmore and Sirius shouted simultaneously, and Moody, it seemed, was still well enough to battle, because a ray of green light sprang from his wand and hit Wilkes in the chest, knocking him backwards. Wilkes's wand flew out of his hands, and he was hurled back several feet, slamming into the wall with a loud crash.

Blackmore ran towards him; he was alive, just barely. She dropped her wand and sank to the floor beside him, and Sirius was horrified, although Wilkes was clearly no longer a threat. He blinked and looked up at her, looking hurt, frightened, and confused, like a child who has just experienced pain for the first time. She gently eased his head onto her lap and stroked his hair. "Pro...professor," he gasped, then coughed, drops of blood flying from his mouth.

"Shhh, Lyall, don't speak," she said, still stroking his hair.

"I...I'm sorry," he whispered, his eyes still filled with fear and confusion. "Fo...forgive me..."

"I forgive you, child," Blackmore said, in a soft and tender voice Sirius had never heard her use before. She bent down and gently kissed his forehead. Lyall's eyes closed, and he sighed; whether Blackmore had used some kind of healing charm, or whether he simply found comfort in that gesture of affection, it seemed to ease his pain. Then he exhaled one last, rattling breath, and died, and Blackmore began to weep. Sirius was stunned to see and hear Professor Blackmore, whom all the students had feared, weeping like a heartbroken girl. {No,} Sirius decided on second thought. {Weeping like a mother who has lost her child.} Although he was not a religious man, a phrase from the Bible suddenly came to mind, one Dumbledore had used in a lecture, when discussing prejudice and genocide in both Muggle and wizard history: "A voice was heard in Ramah, lamentation and bitter weeping; it was Rachel weeping for her children, and would not be comforted, because they were no more."

Moody staggered over. "Don't waste your tears on this scum, Branwen," he said, gruffly but not unkindly. "He's not worth it."

"They were only boys," Blackmore wept.

"They were grown men, the same age as me," Sirius protested. "If I'm old enough to know better, so were they."

"They were all my children," Blackmore said, still bent over Lyall's body, her tears falling down onto his face. "I should have tried harder to save them. I should have tried harder to reach them. No one but me really cared for them, my Slytherin children; no one else tried to save them. I was all they had; I should have tried harder..."

Sirius hovered over her helplessly. He reached out with one hand, whether to give her a sympathetic pat on the shoulder or to pull her away from Lyall's corpse, he wasn't sure. But Moody stopped him, and led him away to tend to Dempsey's body. "Leave her be, lad," Moody said in that gruff tone. "It's a womanly thing, I suppose, though I never figured Branwen to be the sentimental type, especially over scum like these two."

Later, after taking Moody to St. Mungo's for healing, and delivering Wilkes's and Dempsey's bodies to the Ministry and filing their reports, Blackmore and Sirius had a quiet drink together at The Leaky Cauldron.

"I never knew you were that close to Rosier and Wilkes, Professor," Sirius said.

She gave him a wan smile. "I told you, Sirius, since we are colleagues now, you might as well go ahead and call me Branwen. I'm no longer a Professor, anyway." Sirius had not forgotten, but he still found it difficult to call her by her first name. "But to answer your question, I cared for all my students--" Her smile grew a little wider at the shocked look on Sirius's face. "Well, I didn't want you all to think I was soft, so of course I was strict with you!" Then her smile faded. "But perhaps I should have let you students see how much I cared. Perhaps that would have made a difference. I thought I was doing the right thing, Sirius, pushing all of you so hard, because I knew someday it might make the difference between life and death. And I was careful not to play favorites, because so many of the other teachers did. But secretly, in my heart, I had a soft spot for the Slytherins."

"Why?" Sirius asked, startled. "You were a Ravenclaw, weren't you?"

"My father, and at least half of my ancestors, including the founder of my clan, Lady Regan Blackmore, were all Slytherins!" Blackmore said sharply.

"But Slytherins are--" Sirius began automatically, then quickly thought better of it.

"Evil, you meant to say?" Blackmore said, an edge to her voice. "That is the common belief, after all. It is true that Slytherins tend by definition to be ambitious, and many of them have...flexible...morals, but not all of them are evil. Many of your own family members are Slytherins, are they not?"

"Why do you think I think all Slytherins are evil?" Sirius asked dryly.

Blackmore shook her head and gave him a sad smile. "My father, it is true, was interested in the Dark Arts, but he was a kind and loving man. I remember him singing me to sleep at night when I was a little girl. Actually, he had remarkably little ambition for a Slytherin; he was more of a scholar, and simply wished to be left alone to pursue his books and his research. He loved to collect old tales and ballads, and would sing and play guitar for me and my mother beside the fireplace in the evenings, a glass of fine wine on the table by his side. I had my own glass of apple cider, but he would let me taste a sip from his glass when my mother wasn't looking." Her green eyes had a wistful, faraway look in them, and Bane cawed softly from his perch on her shoulder, and rubbed his face against her cheek. She patted him absent-mindedly and continued, "Because I had friends and relatives among the Slytherins, I do not see them as one collective House; I see them as individuals, with both good and bad among them."

Sirius said hesitantly, "Earlier today, you said you were the only one who cared about the Slytherins, the only one who tried to save them. But what about Dumbledore, and the Head of Slytherin House?"

Blackmore sighed. "Well, perhaps I exaggerated a little, but not by much. I don't think that the Head of Slytherin, Professor De Lacy, is a Dark Wizard, but he fears Voldemort and his Death Eaters, and is too cowed to take a stance against them. Albus does care about them, it is true, and he has tried to reach out to some of them, but he isn't able to spend one-on-one time with all of them. And I have long complained to him that he has underestimated the effect of House rivalry on the school morale. The Slytherins in particular are despised by the other Houses, and they have developed an 'us against the world' mentality, which is only reinforced by Salazar Slytherin's teachings. The Slytherins are more at risk than any other House, more susceptible to leaders such as Voldemort, who will play on their ambitions and grudges, and twist their souls till they become as dark and foul as his. The Slytherin children needed extra care and compassion; I tried to give it to them, but I fear I have failed miserably." Her face filled with the same guilt and sorrow she had shown on the battlefield earlier that day. "Lyall was not a bad boy, just very gullible and easily misled. He had the very bad habit of doing whatever Evan told him to, without question. Other boys would have resented being in Evan's shadow; he was always more popular with the girls, more outstanding on the Quidditch field, but Lyall never seemed to mind. He worshipped Evan. And Evan, while he was one of those with 'flexible morals,' was not evil, at least not at first. Mischievous and spoiled and quite full of himself, but not evil. I hoped for awhile, that Ariane's love would save him, but instead it proved to be his downfall."

"You can't blame yourself, Prof--Branwen," Sirius protested. "They made their own choices. Maybe your father was a good guy, maybe other Slytherins are okay--" Sirius didn't really believe it, but he conceded the point for the sake of argument. "--But that lot were just plain bad. Just like their pals Malfoy and Snape--"

Instead of being comforted, Blackmore looked angry. "You bear some responsibility for the path Mr. Snape has taken in life, Mr. Black."

"What?! What did I--"

"Mr. Lupin's friendship might have helped him resist the lure of Malfoy and Voldemort--"

{How the hell does she know about that?!} wondered Sirius. "I don't believe that!" he shouted. "And anyway, it doesn't matter! He's an adult, he's responsible for his own choices, and he chose to serve Voldemort!"

"Yes," Blackmore said coldly, "he must take responsibility for his actions. But so must you, for yours, Sirius. You may not have a loving family, but you have always been popular, and you have three very close friends who are like brothers to you. Severus has always been alone; he had no one but Remus. You have no idea how hard it is to resist temptation when you have to stand alone, and you took from him his sole support." Sirius spluttered in outrage as she continued, "Oh, Albus tried to help him, but his faith in the Headmaster was destroyed when Albus could not give you the punishment you so richly deserved for fear of destroying Mr. Lupin's life. I tried to reach out to him, but it was too late; he had seen the people he cared most for betray him, and he was not about to trust anyone else."

"That's not fair!" snapped Sirius, his face turning red with anger. "Snape was just born bad--"

"No one is 'born bad,' Mr. Black," his former Professor said, just as angrily. "They are MADE bad, by upbringing, environment, and circumstance. The Slytherins have their faults, it is true, but so do the Gryffindors. And the worst fault of the Gryffindors is this: that they tend to see things only in black and white. Mr. Snape is, shall we say, a shade of gray, but you and your friends--save for Lupin--could not see gray, so you saw him only as black. If you do not change, that will be your downfall one day. If you remain intolerant and unyielding, one day you will become tyrants no better than the Dark Lord."

"How--how dare you!" spluttered Sirius.

"I see you are not ready to hear this now," Blackmore said coolly. "But one day you will be, if you become the man I think you can be. Then again, I thought I could save Rosier and Wilkes, too..." She tossed a handful of coins down on the table to pay for their drinks, then left without another word.

Sirius never saw her again after that. A week later, her house was attacked. No sign of her remained save for a copious amount of blood and the bodies of three Death Eaters, and she was pronounced, "missing, presumed dead".
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Sirius, are you all right?" Lupin was saying.

Sirius slowly looked up, returning to the present. "I was just thinking about Professor Blackmore..."

"You too?" Lupin and Snape chorused, then looked at each other, startled.

"I was with her and Moody when we took down Rosier and Wilkes," Sirius said. Something flickered in Snape's eyes, then an expressionless mask fell over his face. "You were wrong, you know," Sirius said to Snape. "About her not being sentimental. She tried to get Rosier and Wilkes to surrender. When they didn't, and Moody had to kill them, she wept."

"She did WHAT?!" exclaimed Snape.

"I'm not lying," insisted Sirius. "She really did cry. Like a mother weeping for her babies. She seemed to feel responsible for the Slytherins, for some reason. Kept saying she should have tried harder to save you lot. She even seemed worried about you, you slimy git. I suppose that was why Dumbledore told her about you being a spy, so she wouldn't worry."

Snape was too stunned to take offense at Black's insult. As much as he had feared Blackmore, she had been his favorite teacher, but he had never had any idea that she had cared for him and the other Slytherins so much. {One more thing to feel guilty about...} he thought.


Everyone remained quiet and subdued for the rest of the day. That night, Snape sullenly helped Lupin pack his things, preparing for his move to Black's house. It was a dark, moonless night, and pouring rain. Snape thought to himself with a certain sour satisfaction that at least the weather matched his mood. But the sound of a knock at the door snapped Snape out of his sulk.

"Were you expecting anyone?" he asked Lupin.

"N--no," stammered Lupin. "Sirius?" But Sirius shook his head as well. "No one but Albus is supposed to know we're here," Lupin said uneasily.

"Mr. Lupin? Mr. Snape? Sirius?" a woman's voice called out in an imperious tone. "I know you're in there! Open up; I'm soaking wet!" A raven cawed out in equally demanding tones.

Sirius dropped the mug of tea he had been holding, and it shattered into pieces on the floor, but none of the three men took the slightest notice of it. The just stared at each other, identical expressions of disbelief on their faces.

"It...it can't be," Sirius said.

Then the door flew open, despite the numerous wards of protection Lupin and Snape had placed upon the house to prevent intruders from breaking in. A woman walked through the doorway, her long black hair and green robes sopping wet, and an equally bedraggled-looking raven was perched on her shoulders.

"Hello, Sirius, Remus, Severus," Branwen Blackmore said, looking no older than she had the last time they had seen her, about fourteen years ago. "It's been awhile."

THE END

(Of this chapter, anyway; to be continued in "Return of the Raven".)

Back to Snape/Lupin Index