Thursday 12:28 PM
dRezz heaven,,,
hi... first of all, i want to say sorry cuz i know uve been bothered by my silence and u worried a lot.. maybe ur thinking that this is about us, well i'll tell u it's not. It's not a big problem anyway, the only problem is me..myself.. confusing? yeah quite confusing.. kahit ako, i can't really figure out what's the problem with me.. haaaay... what's the matter with you marj??!!
oh well, para di kna mag-isip ng kung anu-ano.. i'll let you know why na po.
u know what heaven, lately.. i feel very disappointed with myself. i don't know exactly what i feel, but i feel very lost.. feel very alone with where i am right now. I feel disappointed cuz maybe i made the wrong decision... i tried to be fine, and i still trying hard. siguro masyado pa nga maaga para isipin ung mga ganitong bagay, pero as everday passes by.. i feel like loosing my own self. heaven nalulungkot po ako d2 sa new work ko... un po ang totoo. parang im all alone... para akong nasa isang lugar that im not supposed to be in. or baka ginagawa ko lang reason ito to cover up my shortcomings as a person. heaven natatakot ako sabihin sayo ung mga bagay na to, coz i don't want u to see me weak as i am right now.. but im telling u this cuz ur now a part of me, even if it kills me while writing this email. this past weeks, narealized ko na ang dame ko na palang pagkukulang. sa family ko, sa friends ko, sa sarili ko & maybe sau din.. and ofcourse spiritually. i failed Him. Parang sobra akong naging busy sa ibang bagay para mawalan ako ng time for Him.. di na ko consisitent sa church every sunday.. haaayy.. di ko tlga alm kung pano ieexplain sayo wat i fil. lam mo ba, sa isang araw ko d2 mabibilang mo un words na nasasabi ko... ayoko po bumalik to my old ways, di mo po alam what i've been through para lang ma-ishow up ko un sarili ko.. heaven lam mo parang i lack something right now, sa sarili ko.. prang there something i want & need to learn..
regarding naman satin, masaya po ako.. ur one of the greatest blessing God ever gave to me. ive no regrets.. but then, natatakot po ako.. maybe tama nga un sabi nila, pag nagmamahal ka nagiging mahina ka.. i trust you & i love you, yet im still afraid. siguro kc ayoko mawala ka sa buhay ko. natatakot ako 1 day sabihin mo sakin na ayaw mo na.. Alam mo kung ano ung nakakatakot sayo, ung mga bagay na hindi mo sinasabi sakin at mga bagay na sinasabi mo. ironic right? first, sa mga bagay na hindi mo sinasabi... sometimes u seems so mysterious.. parang di ako maka-connect sayo, parang ang dame mong tinatago inside..parang ayaw mo magpakilala ng buong-buo. Then, may madidiscover na lang ako that eventually ofcourse masasaktan ako. Second, natatakot ako sa mga bagay na sinasabi mo... kc parang u just want me to feel those things that u says.. pano kung dinadaya lang pla ako ng nararamdaman ko? Heaven. love is not just a feeling that u have to feel over and over again. Love for me is a connection between to person... kahit sa friendship pag meron kayo nun, nobody can ever break what u have. Heaven, wla po ako reklamo sayo... it's just those little things that bothers me, yet ignored by me na gusto ko lang sabihin sayo ngayon. Actually, wla na naman me mahihiling pa sayo... such a loving & gentle person. Last night, i dreamed na nahuli daw kita seeing ur ex-gf, at ang nasabi mo lang sakin is gudbye marj. i don't know kung ano gustong imply ng dream ko.. ayoko magisip ng kung anu-ano.. heaven, sobra po akong malulungkot pag nangyari un, i don't even know how to start my life again pag nangyari un, but then.. wala ako magagawa kung ganun ung mangyayari. may malaki po ba akong kasalan, that until now ung words na parang inagaw kta still haunts me. I never wanted na makasakit ng kung sino or kumuha ng bagay na hindi sakin...
Well, u don't have to worry na about me... tapos na po lahat to... nag reflect na ko last night... i know that what i felt then is normal.. im not perfect naman di ba? sabi nga sa purpose driven life, each of us need to experienced how to be in despair sometimes.. and everytime we feel this way, it's not bad to express to God how u fil.. it doesnt mean that uv lost ur faith, in fact saying what ur going through to God is an expression of faith.. u still worship Him in the deepest way.. Like in any relationship heaven, God said that let's not seek for a "feelings".. let's seek Him. Like me to you, not because sinasabi ko sayo mga fears ko about us eh wala na kong trust sayo... u should be able to figure it out that, i trust u more..
Sorry kung pinag-isip kta ha... kaw lang makulit eh, ayaw me hintayin... hehehe... about ur ex, i'll understand more kung sasabihin mo sakin na it takes time pa bago mo matanggap na wla na tlaga sya sayo.. or kung hindi mo kaya na mawala sya ng tuluyan sa buhay mo kaya di mo matiis na hindi mkipag-communicate with her.. i know ur love for her is still there, though it painful for me to accept that fact maybe that's the only way i can get through with it. Maghihintay na lang po ako sa time na ung pagmamahal mo is maging akin na talaga, at kung di un mangyari at least ginawa ko un part ko.. kahit ilang beses pa ko mapagod mahal ko, ok lang.. ang pinaka ayoko lang ng mangyari is, dalawa kame ha... sya or ako lang.. oh well, basta alam ko mahal po kita... sorry po ulit ha...
i love you...
MARJ
"To have faith is to be sure of the thing we hope for.. to be certain of the thing we don't see"-hebrews 11:1
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"walk by faith...."
