| Well I can remember like it was yesterday, although it only happened 2 hours ago. I was chilling with my homie, who is a real person, when we decided to go to the movies. So I called up tim, and off we went. The ride was a long and carnivirous(if you look closely you might find words that don't belong in the sentence), and when we got there, the line stretched to a galaxy far-far-away, so we decided, to destroy the Death Star during the wait(Wow, two Star Wars quotes in less than a minute, I'm a nerd) So anyway, we bought the tickets, and I lied about my age(I'm really 13) so I could get a child ticket, but for some dumb reason, children end at 11, and teenagers begin at 13, so what happens to 12 year olds, they have to pay $8.35 on there movie tickets for no reason. Well we went to get popcorn, and this dude cut in front of us, but I kept my temper. And then Peter Jackson, director of Lord of the Rings,(not the real Peter Jackson) cut in front of us, so I told him "Hey, what are we invisible," He said "Well ya gotta pay attention" Now I have no idea why he is zooming in front of "12" year olds to get in line, he's like calculating the time it takes for them to serve the guy, so he could get there before us. Well anyway, I was about to tell him off, but he had 600 pounds on me, so I decided not too. What my question is, why does he give answers to retorical questions from a "12" year old. Well since I like to go to Woodhaven for cheaper, less crowded, and the fact that you can bet on the "Coke Races"(the game where they have bottles of Coca-Cola, Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, Lemon Coke, and some others racing) they show before previews. Well since I'm used to going to Woodhaven, I'm used to the popcorn sizes to be like they were in the 90's where large is medium, medium is small, and small is a cup of butter, so I get Grant's Popcorn, and order a large, apparently it was this huge ass bowl of elephant-sized popcorn. I ask if I could get a medium, and thats just huge ass elephant size popcorn in a bag instead of a bowl. So I get tired of arguing and take it. Well since Peter Jackson but in front of us, we were late for the beginning of the movie, so we had to sit in the back seat, without my glasses, so I couldn't see all that well. So half-way into the movie, the one dude dies, and the same time he died, I let out this HUGE-ASS burp, that shattered windows, and took away from the drama of the story. Well also half-way into the story, the sound effects in the room next to us got so loud, that we couldnt hear Van Helsing, but we did hear some awesome music with a hard-core synthesizer line(as if synth's are every hard core or awesome) Within 10 minutes left, 2 people came in, now I don't understand why someone would buy tickets for 10 minutes instead of wait for the next showing. Okay, well despite all that crap happening, the movie was fair, it had the cheesiest plot though, the man who killed dracula lost his memory, and now 400 years later, an underground catholic organization originated in rome employed him to kill evil monsters, but theres a catch, he could only kill evil monsters, not Frankensomething[stein] because frankensomething[stein] wasn't evil, he was just a tool dracula used to get draculas spawn to come to life, thus wreaking havoc on the entire earth, but van helsing doesnt do anything about it because Frankensomething[stein] isnt evil, hes just a precursor to hell on earth, but not evil. well yata yata yatta, yatta, yatta, yatta, yatta yatta( and 2 and half hrs more of yatta yatta yattas.) all this crap happens, none of which makes sense, but Van Helsing turns into a werewolf, because he was bitten by the other main character's(the chick whos name i forget) brother, and killed dracula, because he had the will to destroy dracula. But what I don't understand is the fact that Dracula came from the chick whose name i forgets family line, you see her great great great grandfather said that his family would swear to kill dracula or they wont get into heaven, well he couldnt kill his own son, due to emotional crap, so he went to rot in hell instead, but his grandson tried, died, his son tried, died, his son died, he had a son and daughter, the daughter was the chick whose name i forgot, and the son was the wolfman who bit van helsing, but heres what i dont understand, only van helsing had the will to disobey his master, dracula, in the form of a werewolf, but the son who bit van helsing should of had the willpower to destroy his master, dracula, because a long line of his family was killed by dracula, which is a lot more dramatic then, i was employed by a secret installment in the catholic church to kill dracula. But the action was good, so i give it a rating of [fair] I swear to God that everything in that story, and the story of the theatre, happened(except the Death Star thing and the homie), and you could even ask Tim. |
| (This is the grammar I use when I'm talking with my friends.) |
| Van Helsing Review By: The Jorge |