Who Dares Wins

Now here’s a little story to help you sleep at night

The army’s latest raw recruit is Private Nigel Wright

Perhaps you don’t believe me; Oh thee of little faith

He wants to help dispose of bombs and make the fuckers safe

He thinks they’ll send him mending tanks from John O Groats to Dover

And he’ll make a secret weapon from the bits he’s got left over

He wants to help send messages and learn to speak in Morse

He says the territorials will send him on a course

He says that weekend soldiering is really lots of fun

And that he holds the record for dismantling a gun

He says that Spit and polish is his middle name

I don’t think that the army will ever be the same

Now when it comes to marching he’s the finest in the land

He used to play the Kazoo in the Stocksbridge Marching Band

He reckons that in three months, or twelve weeks more or less

They’ll probably invite him to join the SAS

He says Lynne liked his uniform; she told him he looked cute

And he’s promised that he’ll let her pack his parachute

He can really follow orders; he’s never been a whinger

He’s brilliant at self defence (they say he is a Ninja)

He’s sure to get promotion and move up through the ranks

But the army would be best advised to keep him off the tanks

Because Nigel’s never satisfied; he’d want them to go faster

Imagine him inside a tank; you’re looking at disaster

When Nige has got his war paint on, his tin hat, and his gun

His queen and country’s enemies will soon be on the run

No wonder there’s a peace plan from the IRA

They’ve obviously had warning Private Wright is on his way!