Pork Pie Paul

It started at a “Grand Buffet”, I thought I had control

As I nibbled on a picnic egg and popped a sausage roll

But I’ve got myself addicted, it’s quite beyond a joke

And my craving is for pork pies, not heroine or coke

I am the pork pie junky and I hang around and wait

At the back of Crawshaws Butchers for the pork pies out of date

I’ve even tried to smuggle them, alas it was a farce

The bloody jelly melted in a condom up my arse

I tried to do cold turkey, I spent Christmas week in bed

I cracked and went to Morrisons to get my habit fed

Security was really tight-------they got me at the deli

A tray of pork pie samples was soon reduced to jelly

There’s no support for junkies though we travel near and far

There’s no Pork Pie Anonymous, there is no Pork Pie Czar

At the sign of special offers you won’t see me for dust

When I have the munchies on for pork pie meat and crust

But now I’ve gone and done it, I’ve made a pie myself

I baked it in a loaf tin, upon the middle shelf

I gave it twenty minutes, and then three hours more

And I sat and watched it’s progress through the oven door

When the cooking time was over I must have looked a fool

Waiting at the ready for my masterpiece to cool

It really was delicious, it just could not be faulted

I had it with some brown sauce and a bag of ready salted

So now I’m on a mission to make one even better

And I’ve e-mailed Jamie Oliver and sent Rick Stein a letter

I’m making a designer pie, you’ll see me on the telly

With the pinkest meat, the crispest crust, and sage and apple jelly!

                                                          Pc05