Miss Laid

Miss Laid was a ventriloquist----She starred in Blackpool’s Tower

But she made her fortune on her back at Fifty Pounds an hour

You wouldn’t call her beautiful, but men aren’t always fussy

And she had a special talent---Her amazing Talking Pussy

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Sometimes her pussy cried for help sometimes it called for more

Sometimes it played the clarinet…..The Stranger on the Shore

It could also tell your fortune, and it was really quite uncanny

How strange things sometimes came to pass, predicted by a fanny

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Miss Laid was once arrested when she’d been out on a binge

They sent for the Chief Constable to interrogate her minge

He asked her for an alibi concerning an attack

She referred him to the Flying Squad who seemed to know the craque

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Now once a schizophrenic took Miss Laid to bed

And he heard some little voices that weren’t inside his head

She lay there in hysterics……The guy was quite astounded

And he shouted through a megaphone that he’d got the place surrounded

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One time Jehovah’s Witnesses banged upon her door

They thought it was a miracle and knelt upon the floor

They spread the word and formed a line,  just to kiss her ring

And to see the Holy Crevice; and hear the Holy Pussy sing

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Miss Laid’s favourite client was Ahmed the Pakistani

He made all his girls wear burkars from his daughter to his granny

They all took Miss Laid presents……She just lay in stitches

He said “Why can’t your orifices talk you silent pussied bitches?”

…..

Seamus the Irish Widower attacked her with a knife

He said “That Fecking Woman has possessed My Fecking Wife!”

He said, “I’ll get Miss Laid to talk!  Her pussy will as well!”

“I’m convinced my wife is in there because I recognise the smell!”

                   pc06