Lowoods Liz (The Queen Bee)
Liz is the Stewardess down at Lowoods Club and has been a friend since I first joined the club, eons ago. She likes to take part in practical jokes and one of her favourites used to be to give me all my change in copper. When a pint used to be sixty-two pence she had little piles of copper ready that were the exact change for whatever money I gave her. Oh yes, my pockets could get heavy in those days. Anyway, one night when my pockets were particularly heavy I decided to go on the offensive!
It was quite busy down at the club and I was having a drink with Pete and Tony. Liz was in her element giving me one and two pence pieces for change every time it was my round. I turned to Pete and said that the time had come to hit back.
I phoned my good friend Rid in Newcastle and asked to speak to his wife Maureen. I explained the situation to Maureen and told her that I wanted her to phone the club, put on a desperate voice, and say that she urgently needed to speak to her husband, "MIKE HUNT". Maureen readily agreed and I returned to my spot at the bar to await developments. I told Pete and Tony what I had done and counselled them to keep "Straight Faced".
The phone rang behind the bar and Liz answered:
"Hello Lowoods!" Liz was greeted by the sound of a baby screaming blue murder (good old Ben!)
"Hello is that Lowoods Club? I urgently need to speak to my husband MIKE HUNT. Could you get him to the phone please?
Now Liz has a very strong maternal instinct, She'd heard young Ben crying, she'd heard the word "Urgently", and she'd heard the Oscar winning note of desperation in Maureen's voice. In short she went on a mission!
"Hold the line love, I'll get him for you, don't worry!"
"HAS ANYBODY SEEN MIKE HUNT?" Liz shouted out at the top of her voice. The hum of chatter dwindled to nothing as she shouted it again and again.
"Is MIKE HUNT in? MIKE HUNT! Please!
Well the laughter started in a corner of the club and spread like wild fire. Jim asked Liz if she knew what she was shouting and she started blushing, first pink, then to the deepest shade of red.
Pete, Tony and I pretended to be deep in conversation but suddenly Tony roared with laughter and slapped me on the back. We all broke out in fits and Liz glared at me.
"That was YOU Carey! Wasn't it?"
Of course I denied it, (as you do), but it was no use.
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A couple of weeks later "STUFF" started arriving at my house. Things like incontinence pants, adult nappies and the like. Liz was on a revenge binge, big time. Everything that could be sent for free started arriving in the post. It went on for ages and ages.
It was during his phase that something else happened.
I went down to the club for my usual Friday night drink with the lads and when I went in the door I saw hundreds of telephone directories stacked everywhere. I could hardly squeeze past them. Someone said that I'd gone too far this time and I realised that the phone books delivery had been marked down to me. I categorically denied any knowledge of this ruse but even to this day Liz still has that one put down to me.
One plan I did have was writing to "The Little Sisters of the Poor". I drafted a letter to these nuns that I had read about in the Catholic Paper, The Universe. I can't remember the exact words but it went a bit like this:
Elizabeth Allcock
Lowoods Club
Dear Mother Superior,
My name is Liz Allcock and my life is really terrible. I am being
held against my will at Lowoods Club. I am made to work every hour
God sends, with little food and no time even for prayer. Please help
me.
If only I could escape this life I would devote the rest of my
days to the service of The Lord.
Yours faithfully
Liz
ps. I would require a size 14 habit.
I had this letter all prepared but I never did send it. I imagined the Little Sisters of the Poor sending a crack, SAS style snatch squad, complete with helicopters and stun grenades. Oh well
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