Glenys of the Yard

When you need information.  When finding out is hard

The lady in the know to ask is Glenys of the yard

She is a mine of facts and hearsay on everyone around

When there’s something to be found out her nose goes to the ground

If you have a special secret there’s just no hiding place

It’ll soon be common knowledge with Glenys on the case

If your marriage is in trouble or your family life’s a mess

You might as well just tell her or she’ll boldly have a guess

By day she meets her agents, she’ll trudge around for miles

By night she’s at the hospital hacking into files

Your problem may be personal---a disease or bad infection

But she’ll tell all and sundry that you can’t get an erection

She told me that the washer man was selling off his land

And that the deal was done and dusted and he’d made two hundred grand

And there’d soon be seven houses, and three would be to let

But I just know who told her  because nothing’s happened yet!

She’s had spectacular successes—there’s no one to compare

It was her who busted Nixon in the Watergate Affair

And she’d have caught Lord Lucan; at least that’s what I’m told

But they didn’t put her on the case till the trail was stony cold

She also caught The Jackal and they locked him up in France

The Ripper came to Sheffield and he didn’t stand a chance

Who exposed the White House scandal? I’m sure you’ll quickly guess

She said “Monica, you trollop, is that semen on your dress?”

It’s been said in certain circles that she’ll soon be off again

Looking round the Middle-East for a Mr. S. Hussein

Old Ladbrooke has it nailed on, with a written guarantee

That she’ll very quickly find him (and the C.I.A agree)

 A recent missing person case was very quickly solved

The local cops were helpless once Glenys was involved

They swore that they would find him first, they really tried their best

But Glenys and her agents were equal to the test

The guy had lost his memory but Glenys quickly found it

And Sheffield’s Chief Inspector was really quite astounded

He said “I wish she worked for us---Just think what we could do”

“Instead of doing motorists we’d solve a crime or two!”

She’s turned down jobs for newspapers and I can understand her

Cos she’d very quickly be in court for libel and for slander

She’s a real nose for a story---her sense of smell is strong

But she often seems to poke it where it doesn’t quite belong

Look in the Guinness Book of Records---You’ll see that she is in it

She holds the gossip record (eight hundred words a minute!)

And conversations---six at once, without missing a word

She’s sure to hold that record, at least that’s what I’ve heard

She has detective agencies in New York and in Peckham

She’s good at finding out the truth (and bending it like Beckham)

And John’s on the committee and she would get you barred

If you held back information from Glenys of the Yard

They say St. Peter has a book that’s consulted when you’re dead

But Glenys doesn’t fuck about she keeps it in her head

And when she gets to meet him he’d better treat her nice

Cos she knows what he was up to when the cock was crowing thrice!

                                     Pc03