An Audience with Brian

Where the Dons both come together near a Neolithic site

There’s a certain private members club that’s open day and night

It’s soon to be extended with a concert room so vast

That in the Northern Hemisphere it will never be surpassed

It’s going to happen this year, come rain or hail or snow

And it’s going to be so massive that the Don will have to go

It’s the brainchild of Old Brian, so you need have no fears

That it isn’t what we want or need to last a thousand years

There’ll be a panoramic tap room, that’s sure to be the plan

All the better to observe the site of Neolithic Man

A brass plate on the tap room door with wording quite specific

By order of the committee “Don’t feed the Neolithics”

Thank God for Mr. Grundle and his rod of stiffest iron

Oh where on earth would we be without the life of Brian?

Just like the famous athletes in the chariots of fire

We must observe the Sabbath and turns we just won’t hire

We won’t be turning cards right on the seventh day of rest

In our super-duper concert room all in our Sunday Best

There’s rumours of a cover charge of thirty bob or more

To listen to the outcome of the ladies’ members draw

Yes that will drag the crowds in; imagine all the tension

As we fight for pole position in the concert room extension

There’ll be need of extra parking; of that you can be sure

And they plan to have an overspill across at Bracken Moor

If that don’t sort the club out and times are really hard

Then Ronnie has suggested that non-pensioners are barred

To fill the extra seating it wouldn’t be so strange

To run a free bus service from up at Newton Grange

They say the former tap room will be a downstairs loo

With storage space for crutches and a Zimmer frame or two

Yes with the new extension the future looks so bright

With no one standing at the bar and bingo every night

When the work is all completed; to get you past the door

You’ll need an entrance card stamped some fifty times or more

So let’s have no one whinging and please don’t make a fuss

Because Brian’s had a meeting and he’s unanimous!