ALL-INCLUSIVE-PETE

There’s a man up in the training room who’s really hard to beat

The tightest of the tightest---that’s all inclusive Pete

They say Scotsmen are the meanest but they’re not in Peter’s class

He drinks all-inclusive lager from an all inclusive glass

When Peter books a holiday he’s really very tight

He always books ‘room only’ on an all-inclusive site

Then he quickly picks a victim--he’ll shrewdly seek one out

Who’s paid for all-inclusive--then Peter drinks for nowt

His body is a temple--he always treats it right

With carrots in the morning and garlic late at night

When they first charged for prescriptions old Peter had a shock

That was the last occasion that he went to the doc

The same goes for the dentist-- regardless of the pain

If he must extract his wallet then he’ll never go again

He’s got very dodgy vision (he just can’t see at all)

Because he bought his glasses from a Barnsley market stall

He’s got a Renault 21---he drives to work each day

With an aspirin in the fuel tank to keep the rust away

He does his own car maintenance---garages be damned

And he once drove me to Deepcar with his starter motor jammed

He stalled it at the traffic lights and then it wouldn’t start

When he had to get a new one it almost broke his heart

He’s got a private registration--he thinks its really great

It’s the only car in Britain with TIGHT 1 on the plate

He once went to the barbers (he’ll never go back there)

They charged him four-pence-farthing to smarten up his hair

He loudly cursed the barber in a very surly manner

And that haircut was the last one that broke into a tanner

Now with all this penny pinching his bank account is huge

But in Barnsley Garden Centre they call him Mr. Scrooge

On seeds or even potted plants he just won’t spend at all

He gets them from a mug at work (but they don’t call him Paul)

I was behind him in the canteen queue just the other day

He’s careful what he eats there (because he has to pay)

The girls behind the counter all think that he’s deluded

He never fails to ask them if the gravy is included

I hope you get this picture of all-inclusive-Pete

The tightest bloody Yorkshireman you’d ever want to meet

He’ll never ever spend a pound if ninety pence will do

And the last time that he bought a round was 1942

                                   Paul carey 1999

N.B.   Any similarity to persons living or dead, hairy or bald is purely coincidental