Your kid has been kidnapped

A Mackem, out of money and down on his luck, needed money desperately. To raise cash, he decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
He went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took him behind a building, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
He then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put £10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A Mackem."
The Mackem then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Mackem checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The Mackem looked in the bag and found the £10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Mackem?"

You've got mail

A Mackem quickly went out to his mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later he repeated this process by checking his mail again.
He did this five more times, and his neighbour who was watching him commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."
The Mackem answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

Do you see the dead bird?

A Geordie and a Mackem are walking along in a park one morning.
Suddenly, the Geordie notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," he says sadly.
The Mackem stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

Helping a Mackem lose weight

A Mackem girl is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the Mackem girl returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The girl nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the Mackem girl.

Why are you yelling that?

A Geordie painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose colour.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of Mackems laying a lawn across the street.

Question and answer Mackem jokes

 

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a Mackem?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: Why is it good to have a Mackem passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why should Mackems not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why do Mackems have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.