A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event. After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young lady by the clubhouse. He went up to her, began talking, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. All through the night they made wild love together. In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. The man said, "Please don't go. I love you and I want you to stay with me." The woman replied, "You don't understand...I'm a hooker." The man said, "That's no problem, you probably just have too strong a grip."
Cliff, Barry, Gary, and Eddie are discussing how they get their wives to let them play golf every Sunday morning. Cliff says, "Every Saturday night I take my wife out to an expensive dinner". Barry says, "Every Saturday I clean the house for my wife". Gary says, "Every Saturday I let my wife go shopping and she can buy whatever she wants". Eddie just looks at the other three and just shakes his head. You guys go it all wrong. On Sunday morning I get up at 5:00am, shake my wife and say golf course or intercourse?
After a
particularly poor game of golf, a Cliff skipped the clubhouse and started to go
home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped
him and asked, Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?
Yes, the Cliff responded.
Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the
course?
Yes, I did. How did you know? he asked.
Well, said the policeman very seriously, Your ball flew out onto the highway
and crashed through a drivers windshield. The car went out of control, crashing
into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldnt make it to the
fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?
Cliff thought it over carefully and responded
I think Ill close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right
thumb.
.
Two ants were in a sand trap watching Cliff flailing away. "Quick," said the one ant to the other. "Get on the ball before he kills us."
It was a sunny
Saturday morning, and Cliff was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualising his
upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the
gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"
Cliff was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the
men's tee!"
Cliff had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly
shut up and let me play my second shot!"
Cliff is playing a
round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This
hole is a 160 yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also
Cliffs nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing. Upon arriving
at the tee, Cliff tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute,
looks toward the heavens and says, "God, I have been a good and decent man.
Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto
the green."
As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says,
"Use a new ball, they go farther." Cliff steps back, thinks about the heavenly
advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and
once again the heavenly voice booms, "Take a practice swing first." Cliff is now
awe-struck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes a
practice swing. He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice
booms, Use the old ball.
I was recently playing a round of golf with a Barry. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, Barry took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. "Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked. He responded, "I've never had an old ball."
..
Gary Owen spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Gary being Gary, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at his mate Baz and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." Baz looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
.
Marie, my partner, asked me why I don't play golf with Cliff anymore. I asked her "Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"
"Well, neither would he."
My friend, Barry Heritage, when asked about his game replied, "It's a lot like masturbation. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it's disgusting to watch."
.
Q. What is the
difference between Cliff James and Lady Di??
A. Cliff has a better driver.
Cliff and Barry were standing overlooking the river getting ready to hit their shots. Cliff looked to Barry and said, "Look at those idiots fishing in the rain."
Any similarity to persons both living or dead is purely coincidental