A BIT OF THE SAUSAGE
Two Irishmen, Sean and Pat, fancied a pint or two buts didn’t have a lot of money between them. “Hang on, I have an idea,” says Pat. He goes next door to the butcher’s shop and comes out with one large sausage. “Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left for booze!” says Sean. “Don’t worry, just follow me,” Pat replies.
He goes into the pub and orders two pints of Guinness. “Now you’ve lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!” cries Sean. Pat replies with a smile, “Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!” They down their drinks. “Okay, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth,” orders Pat.
Said and done, the barman notices them, goes berserk and throws them out. They continue this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the 10th pub Sean says, “Pat, I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m pissed and me knees are killin’ me!” “How do you think I feel?” says Pat. “I lost the sausage in the third pub.”
THE MILE HIGH RUB CLUB
On a flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane, then yells, "If I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare riveted, at the desperate woman. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He’s tall, well built, with flowing blond hair and blue eyes. He walks slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as he approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the woman and whispers: "Iron this.
SUCKING UP TO PARENTS
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other good night at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, the girl replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us for sure! Their bedroom is right upstairs!" "Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?" he insists grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" the girl goes on. "Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It’s just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much!" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!" "Oh yes, you can. Please?" The argument goes on for about five minutes when suddenly out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled. In a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for Heaven’s sake tell him to take his hand off the bloody intercom!"
LOST MAN GOES NUTTY
A lost man came upon a small house owned by an old Chinese man. "I’m lost," said the young man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," he replied, "but if you touch my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
The daughter appeared – she was young, beautiful, and couldn’t keep her eyes off the visitor. So during the night, he snuck into her room for a night of passion.
In the morning he woke to feel pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note that read, "Chinese Torture #1: Large rock on chest." "That’s pretty lame," he thought. He then threw the boulder out the window. He then noticed another note: "Chinese Torture #2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he figured a few broken bones was better than castration, so he jumped out after it. As he plummeted he saw a large sign on the ground: "Chinese Torture #3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
BATS OUT FOR BLOOD
A vampire bat came flapping into the cave from the night; his face all covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep, but pretty soon all the other bats had smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep. The bats kept persisting until he finally gave in. “Okay, follow me,” he said, flying out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. “Do you see that large oak tree over there?” he asked. “YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in frenzy. “Good,” said the first bat, “Because I f__king didn’t!”
SCOT COPS GIANT DILDO
The boss of a sex shop decides to leave the new guy on his own for a while, so he departs with some advice: "Always give the customer what they want." Soon after a brunette walks in and asks for a six-inch vibrator. The young man goes out back, finds one and sells it to her.
The next costumer to walk in is a blonde who asks for a 12-inch dildo, so the young man goes out back, finds one and sells it to her.
The next woman to walk in is a huge, seven-foot-tall Scottish body-builder. She bends down and says, "Hello laddy, I want the biggest dildo you’ve got, and it has to be tartan!" The young man goes out back and begins to search. After 10 minutes he hasn’t found anything. The Scot gets annoyed, shouting, "Hurry up laddy!" He suddenly appears and slams what he has found on the desk. The woman, pleased, buys it and leaves.
When his boss returns he asks how was business. The young man replies, "All right. I sold a six-inch vibrator, a 12-inch dildo, and sir, don’t get angry… but I also sold your thermos."
GOLF GAME GETS HOLY
Jesus, Moses and an elderly bloke were all out playing golf one day, finding themselves all tied on the water hazard-wielding 18th hole. Moses tees off, but embarrassingly hooks it into the water. While the other two laugh, Moses parts the water and chips the ball three feet away from the hole. Next Jesus tees off, slicing the ball across the water and on to a far-off bank. The others laugh, but Jesus walks across the water and chips the ball two feet away from the hole. Next the old guy tees off, he too sending his ball sailing off across the water. Suddenly a fish jumps up and catches the ball in its mouth. Then a bird swiftly snatches up the fish. Before it gets very far, lightning strikes the bird, making it drop the fish - which drops the ball 10cm from the hole. A worm then pops out of the ground, nudging the ball into the hole. "Hole in one!" screams the elderly gentleman, excitedly. Jesus turns to him angrily:"For f__k's sake," he says, "stop showing off, Dad!"
NUDIST WANTS OUT
A man joins a nudist colony and on his first day he strips and wanders around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man gets a stiffy. The woman notices his erection and says, "Did you call me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lies down and lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. A huge, hairy man lumbers toward him, "Did you call for me?" he says. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man spins him around and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the office where he yells, "You can keep the $500 membership fee, I'm outta here!" "But, sir," states the receptionist, "you've only been here for a few hours." The man replies, "Listen, lady, I'm 68, I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day - I'm gone!"
Bagpipes bring horn
A man walks into a bar with an octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world," says the man. Everyone laughs and calls him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A bloke walks up with a guitar, which the octopus picks up and plays better than Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50. Another bloke walks up with a trumpet, which the octopus plays better than Louis Armstrong. The man pays up his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with them for a minute, looking confused. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye nae can plae it, can ye." The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag the arse off it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"
MEET THE PARENTS
A young girl confesses she's pregnant. "Bring me the pig who did this to you!" her mum screams. The girl quickly makes a phone call and soon after a Ferrari pulls up. Out steps a distinguished gentleman, handsome and impeccably dressed. He sits down in the living room. "Good afternoon," he greets the family. "Your daughter has told me of the situation. I'm unable to marry her but I'll take full responsibility. If it's a girl, I'll bequeath her three shops, two town houses, and a $1 million bank account. If it's a boy, my legacy will be a factory and a $2 million account. If it's twins, two factories and $500K each. However, if there's a miscarriage..." The father, breaking his silence, places a hand on the man's shoulder: "You'll pork her again, right?"
Whip It Good!
A young couple were making passionate love in a van. Suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh, big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, in a flash of inspiration, opens the window and snaps the aerial off his van. He then proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy. About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen!"
Tee for two? Or not...
A man decides to play golf every day.
Monday he meets a stunner on a Par 3 and suggests they play the rest of the round together. She agrees, the match is tight and she wins on the last hole. She thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she had a really good time. "In fact," she says, "I'll show you my appreciation." They kiss and she ends up giving him a quick head-job. Next day he spies her and away they go again. Another tight round of golf, her winning before they kiss and a quick thank you heady. This goes on all week. On Friday he tells her he's had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned. Dinner for two followed by a night of passion at an expensive hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the truth. "You see," she says, "I'm sorry but I'm a transvestite." He curses madly. "You bastard," he screams. "You fucking mongrel, you've been playing off the ladies tees all fucking week!"
Skinhead gets sticky date.
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy-dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy-dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head, so he writes the company a really rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple."
A man walks into the dole office and asks to sign on. "What was your previous job?" asks the clerk. "I worked in a butcher's shop" replies the Irishman. "And why did you leave?" "I was sacked for putting my dick in the meat grinder", comes the reply. The clerk ponders this for a bit, and says, "Oh, right, what happened by the way?" "She got sacked as well"
Q: What's the difference between a weasel and V.D?
A: One's a cunning runt...
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says, "I dreamt I had the best wank last night." The guy on the left side says, "That's funny, I had the exact same dream!” The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
Q: What's the definition of a Tasmanian virgin?
A: A girl who can run faster than her brother.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A man goes into a pub with an ostrich and a cat. The man buys the first round, then the ostrich buys the second round but when it's the cat's round it refuses to pay. The bartender asks the man what the problem is. The man says, "well I met a genie and he gave me one wish, so I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy..."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8p.m. As the man threw on his clothes he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all day " The wife glances down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf again!"
1st Irishman: What do you have in that bag?
2nd Irishman: Chickens.
1st Irishman: If I guess how many there are, can I have one?
2nd Irishman: If you guess how many there are, you can have both.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever
A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer.