| Trouble in Shangri-La |
| It was two days ago that began the turmoil that deeply troubled Jeff Mitchell. His entire world, what meant everything to him; walking, talking, breathing, and living - one holy medium; it came crashing down around him. He got called out for a late night plumbing job at a small facility. A job that would normally take hours; Jeff was supposed to be gone until late into the night. But he forgot an important piece of equipment that was left out of his tool box, so he returned to his quaint house in the outskirts of Sydney. His boyfriend, Greg, lived with him since he was kicked out of his parents� house. Greg thought Jeffrey would be gone for a long time. As soon as Jeff left the house, he called a friend over for a quick session - he was cheating on Jeff. Poor Jeff, who dedicated his entire heart to Greg, did not suspect a thing. There was no motive; Jeff gave him anything he ever wanted. Greg�s moral system, however, just wasn�t the same as Jeff�s. Greg took advantage of being gay and decided that monogamy wasn�t necessary since there was no family involved that could get hurt by the situation. Jeff didn�t think that way. He wanted one man only; one soul to spend his life with. His eyes widened; a myriad of emotions overloaded his head all at once, when he saw his �everything� making out with someone else on the couch. The sinners on the sofa jumped in astonishment, terrified from being caught. Greg could see the pain in Jeff�s eyes. But words would not come for Jeff. His head and heart and mouth could not connect. So instead, he just walked back out the door. ~~~~~ He drove and drove and drove and drove, turning down streets he�d never even been on before. He couldn�t think straight and his eyes perspired like a waterfall, ruining his vision. Also, from rubbing his eyes so excessively, they were sore and reddened. Of all the pain and suffering via love that he had experienced growing up, this was far the worst. After a lengthy drive, Jeff calmed down a bit. His eyes wandered to the gas gauge; about 1/4 a tank left. His current position was very distant from home, and now another worry was added to the masses. Would he be able to return home or would he be left stranded with no gas, late at night when no places would be open? He turned around in someone�s driveway and traced his moves backwards. He forgot a couple turnoffs but eventually met up with a main road he was familiar with. Instead of going home, he went to his father�s place to spend the night. Luckily, he had enough gas to make it there. He couldn�t go back to his home. Not tonight. ~~~~~ Joyce kept the door locked at nights. Sydney was always good to Jeff and Harry when they used to live together, so they kept the door unlocked every night. But Joyce moved in with Harry and Jeff moved out, and she was a �better safe than sorry� kind of person. Jeff rung the doorbell. It was after midnight, and he felt bad waking her up. He knew she�d be asleep by now, but he didn�t have any other choice. He would�ve let himself in, but he didn�t keep their key on his chain; his copy was on his bedside stand. After a moment, he pushed the doorbell again, not sure if Joyce had heard it the first time. She was a sound sleeper, unlike her daughter, Jenny, who had a place of her own. And Harry, well, since his stroke, still couldn�t walk or talk. But the door opened eventually. Joyce looked extremely exhausted and was folding her robe closed. �Oh, Jeffrey. What are you doing up so late?� �Can I come in?� Jeff asked. She could also see the pain in his eyes; it told that a story of dread and terror. He was shaking rather badly. �Yes, yes. Of course. What�s the matter?� Jeff walked in and sat down in a recliner in the living room. Joyce turned the lights on and sat on the sofa next to the chair. �Jeff, what�s wrong?� Jeff choked back some tears. �It�s Greg... I... just caught him cheating on me.� �Oh my goodness,� Joyce replied, putting her hand to her chest. She knew how much he adored Greg. Ever since Harry�s stroke, she changed her attitude about gays and now really bonded well with Jeff, as if he were her own son. Jeff didn�t talk further. He held his face in his hands, crying into his palms. Joyce got up and sat down on the arm of the chair so she could put a comforting arm around him. �Oh, Jeffrey,� she spoke softly, �It�ll be okay. I promise.� ~~~~~ Jeff settled into the spare bedroom, his old room. He passed on explaining the story to his father for now. It was always difficult sharing deeper emotions with him anyway since the stroke. Before the stroke, father and son, they bonded very well; always shared everything. But Harry, not being able to talk anymore, certainly hindered things between them. He lied in his old bed. The walls were bare; Joyce had taken down all the remaining pictures he used to keep up there when he occupied that room. He had kept a couple pictures for his new home, but didn�t care for the rest anymore. It was unusual to sleep in that bed again for him. The room brought back so many memories. He found it difficult in trying to sleep. Only one familiar pain coursed through him. And it wouldn�t let go. The tears, the sadness, the fear, the anger, the solitude, the confusion, the longing, the love - it all was a wicked game. �Why can�t they ever last?� the haunting voice echoed inside his head. He had the radio on. Music was an outlet for him. Ironic - the next song that played. �This band shot onto the charts with their first single from the album Silver Side Up. Here�s Nickelback with �How You Remind Me." Never made it as a wise man I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin' Tired of livin' like a blind man I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling This is how you remind me This is how you remind me of what I really am It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle These five words in my head scream "are we havin' fun yet?" It's not like you didn't know that I said I love you and I swear I still do And it must have been so bad Cause livin' with me must have damn near killed you This is how you remind me of what I really am This is how you remind me of what I really am It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle These five words in my head scream "are we havin' fun yet?" Never made it as a wise man I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin' This is how you remind me This is how you remind me of what I really am It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story He laughed to himself at how fitting this song was right now. Someone has a funny sense of humor. He reached up and shut the radio off and then turned on his side, hugging the second pillow. Burying his face into the pillow, he finally started to doze off. ~~~~~ Morning brought the typical perfect summer day; a fresh breeze blowing in from the Australian shores, a glorious sun illuminating through the peaceful streets of a quiet suburbia, and song birds harmonizing the area with delicate beauty. Yes, it would be the perfect day, under a completely different set of circumstances. Jeff sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes with his fists. He felt completely rested and relaxed physically; his body at ease, but his mind still in turmoil. He had the day off, fortunately; giving him some time to recuperate his stability. But as he sat in his bed, yet another worry entered his weary head - he never finished that facility job last night. In his pain and haste, he drove off into the night, forgetting his professional responsibilities. He hopped out of bed and ran to the phone to call his work place. He got the client�s number from their database and called them. Jeff apologized, claiming an excuse of family emergency to cover himself. It wasn�t a complete lie, he thought. To him, it was an emergency, and he had hoped to marry Greg some day, therefore close enough to family. And he promised his client that he would be right over to fix their drainage system this morning. Jeff washed up in the bathroom and headed through the living room, to the front door, with his toolbox in hand. Joyce was awake and making breakfast. She stopped Jeffrey before he left. �Jeff... you leaving already?� she asked. �Yeah. I have an important task to finish - fix some plumbing,� he replied and started towards the door again. He was purposely rushing, trying to avoid having to talk about his emotional situation. �Jeff,� she called back to him, �You can�t run from things like this. You know Harry would say the same.� Jeff hesitated at the door. �I know, Joyce. But... I just gotta deal with this in my own way. But also, I really am in a hurry. I left in the middle of this job last night because I forgot a tool. And that�s when I saw... that. And I completely forgot to go back. So I gotta get going.� �Okay, Jeff. I�ll be here all day if you need me.� �Thanks, Joyce,� Jeff smiled and turned out the door. Joyce walked to the window and pushed aside the curtain and peeked out at Jeff getting into his car. �Poor guy.� ~~~~~ Jeff stayed that night at his father�s as well, still not wanting to return to his own home. He and Joyce had a serious conversation together, discussing the matter. She wanted to make sure he truly was okay. Jeff still didn�t get around to telling Harry about what happened. Even though it was his heart breaking, his father would hurt inside as well. As soon as he had his stroke, before Jeff and Greg got together, he feared that Jeff would never fall in love with someone, because Jeff would forget how to by then, without the aid of his fatherly push. So, when they did finally get together, Harry was much relieved. Jeff knew his father felt this way, thus why he didn�t want to tell him, afraid he�d make him worry too much. Joyce was his only outlet right now. And she was there for him. The sun went down, bringing another night sky, and accompanying it, another restless night for Jeff. The anger that was inside him towards Greg turned more into the fear of never finding someone again. He had long since given up the clubbing life; going out to The Prinny to meet people. That was never him anyway. No one would know it from looking at him on the street, but if one were to gaze through the window of his life, they�d find that Jeff was an extremely shy person. He did lack the confidence in himself to be bold at the bars and just introduce himself to guys. Yes, Jeff was the type of person that sat back and waited for the right one to come along, which unfortunately doesn�t happen often. ~~~~~ Last night, after he finally did fall asleep around 3:00, the normal respite was given to him; no nightmares. He actually couldn�t remember dreaming at all when he woke up, but at least it�s better than recalling the downer emotions through vivid imagination. Jeff would much prefer silence over that. Again, he was off from work, which made him glad. Today he planned to go back to his own house and see if Greg was still there. He had to confront it sooner or later; might as well get it over with. Although, he figured it was over, not because Greg might want to separate, but because he would want to. He couldn�t spend his life with someone who would be unfaithful. So, they definitely had something to talk about now. Greg usually got off work from the Sydney Royal Botanical Gardens around 5:00, so Jeff went back home a half an hour before, to sit down and relax his nerves before the clash of the ages. He sat on the sofa that faced the front door and kept looking at his watch as the time drew nearer. 5:00 came and went and Jeffrey grew tired of waiting in absolute silence. �Perhaps he already moved out,� Jeff thought, but all his personal effects were still here. After a while, he grabbed a book he was in the middle of reading. He was fully immersed in the novel when he heard a car door slam. Placing the bookmark where he left off, Jeff closed the book and put it in his lap. His eyes fixated on the door. The knob turned and the wooden barrier opened. �He� came into the house and closed the door behind himself. He didn�t advance further, but stood, his keys in hand, looking down at the floor. Jeff didn�t say a word to him. He didn�t know which words to use or if it even mattered which ones he did. He just stared at Greg with searching eyes. Greg looked up and into Jeffrey�s face. �Hey, Jeff.� Jeff didn�t answer. Greg walked across the room and sat on the recliner directly across from Jeff. �I don�t know what else to say but that I�m sorry. I never meant to hurt you,� Greg sighed and looked down at his own feet. Jeff continued to stare at him, silent and pondering. Greg had nothing else to say for the moment, only the cliche response. Jeff exhaled and then crossed his arms in front of his chest, �But you did.� �Yeah, I know, I ...� �Do you love him?� Jeff asked. He deserved to know. Greg�s eyes shot up. Jeff could see the fear inside them. His answer would not be one Jeff would want to hear, unless he lied. �No, I don�t, mate,� Greg replied. Jeff could tell he wasn�t lying, but he had expected a different answer. �Then why?� �I don�t know. I just...� �How long have you been seeing him?� Jeff continued to investigate further. Greg gulped, his throat tightening from being in the spotlight, �For about 3 months now.� Jeff�s jaw dropped and his heart wrenched. �You�ve been cheating on me for 3 months!?� Jeff�s quiet interrogation exploded into an anger release. Greg had no follow-through. Nothing he could say would justify his sin. �So, you never loved him?� �No.� �Did you ever love me? Or did you use me for sex too?� Jeff demanded to know. At this point, he had already practically decided it would be over, but he still wanted to know. �Of course I loved you,� Greg responded. He did mean it, somewhat. He was certainly closer to Jeff than he was with the other guy, but not like Jeffrey was to him. Either a yes or no to that question would�ve ignited tears from Jeff�s eyes; yes - and he was betrayed, no - and he was used all along. But at least, now, he didn�t feel completely useless, although he was still left with a stinging pain in his gasping heart. Jeff gathered the courage that remained in his tattered soul to speak his closure. �Greg,� he took a deep breath, �We�re over.� Greg�s face turned into that of astonishment. He didn�t expect Jeff to jump to drastic measures, but he had no idea how important trust and monogamy was to him. �What!?� he retorted. �You heard me, mate. We�re through.� Jeff held his ground. As much as he could break down right now and fall into his arms, he wouldn�t. He had encountered many a break-up in his day, but usually they occurred earlier on in the relationship and had nothing to do with an affair. This was a special case that had no possible amends, no absolution, just a swift ultimatum in Jeff�s favor. �You can�t be serious.� Greg was more afraid of losing the roof over his head than a boyfriend. Jeff technically owned the house; it was in his name and he paid more of the bills. �I am. And I think you need to find another place.� Greg got up off the chair and walked over and sat next to Jeffrey on the sofa. �Mate, look. I�ll stop seeing him. I really do like you.� And then he leaned in and started kissing Jeff on the side of his neck. A tear fell down Jeff�s cheek. He still felt a lot of things for Greg and didn�t know if he could let him walk out of his life. It was a very vulnerable point of his life; after a few hard times with previous guys, he really needed someone constant, and he thought he had found that in Greg. He couldn�t fight it off right away, letting Greg kiss him gently. And then Greg pulled away and looked at Jeff. �We can still make this work, I promise,� Greg said in a serious manner. Jeff�s conscience was giving him hell. It contradicted everything and made it so hard to decide. He reached out with his hand and touched Greg�s cheek. �See, Jeff. It doesn�t have to be over,� and he smiled warmly. Jeff didn�t smile back. He kept his hold on his cheek. Another tear began falling down his face. �Then why is it?� And he dropped his hand from Greg�s cheek and held it against his heart. Silence filled the distance between them. Greg could see that Jeff was hurt so badly and wasn�t going to let anything happen. He laughed to himself, not wanting to believe his ears. But he knew Jeff was serious. He stood up abruptly and then walked over to the door. �I�ll be back for my stuff.� Then he left. Jeff sunk back into the sofa and laid his head back into the soft cushion. His eyes were welling up for a flash flood and his stomach was churning. But somewhere deep inside his labyrinth of emotions and processes, sparkled an inner strength that echoed warmly for his bravery of standing his ground, although he couldn�t even feel it. He lied down on the sofa and cried himself to sleep. ~~~~~ Waking up the following morning in his own bed once again, Jeff instinctively turned on his side and stretched his arm out but it fell through to the mattress. The difference from the change of status quo came to his attention and forced his eyes open. In just a second he realized what was missing and why. He was stunned for a moment but was determined not to let Greg haunt him. He knew of that all too well; first with a bloke named Kevin who was his first serious relationship. It ended in a weird fashion. After some time, he broke down from the pressures that society inflicted onto him and decided that being a homosexual was not what he wanted to be. It nearly broke Jeff�s heart. Then, there was another guy named Wendell. Jeff met him during a one week stay in Los Angeles of the United States. That relationship got extremely intense, but he was only there for a week, so that one was destined to end, but Jeffrey thought about him long after. He got up to hop into the shower to wash his worries away. While bathing, he thought of ways to break the news to his father. The sooner he told him, the sooner that burden would be lifted off his shoulders. Not only did the universe seem to be fated against him, but he also had to carry the aftermath. ~~~~~ Harry and Joyce were out on the porch, getting some sunshine and fresh air. Jeff pulled onto the curb and parked his car. Walking along the fence, he waved to Joyce. Harry looked up with his eyes, trying to see who arrived. �Hey. G�morning, Jeffrey,� Joyce greeted him. �Morning, Joyce.� Jeff paused a moment and then requested something. �Would you mind, Joyce; I�d like to have a moment with Dad alone.� Joyce knew what Jeff wanted. She was more than willing to excuse herself so that he could explain things to Harry in privacy. �Certainly.� She stood up from her wicker rocker and went inside. Jeff pulled the rocker in front of his father and took a seat. �G�day, Dad.� Harry looked up and into his eyes. He would�ve smiled if he could�ve but his paralysis prevented it. He was smiling on the inside though, happy to see his son. �Everything been going fine with you, mate?� Jeff asked. Harry pushed the buzzer on his wheelchair once. That was his signal for a yes. Jeff had rigged a mechanical buzzer on the arm of the wheelchair for his father, because Harry still was capable of some movement with his hands, and with the buzzer, they could communicate a little better. �Joyce been good to ya?� Harry pushed the buzzer again. �How �bout your meds? Been helpin�?� Again, Harry pushed the buzzer. He couldn�t speak his thoughts unfortunately, but he wondered what was up. Jeff never acted this worried and concerned unless something major was happening in his life. Jeff was very nervous and that�s usually how he acted when so. He tapped his toes on the ground rapidly, while playing drum rhythms on his thighs. �Look, Dad. I uh... got something to tell ya,� he started and then sped up his talk, �Now I don�t want you gettin� all worried over this, cos I know how you can do that, but uh...� then he slowed his speech back down, �Something kinda happened between Greg and I.� Jeff paused, to let any pre-thoughts his father might have sink in. Again, he sped his speech up, nervous, �Well actually it�s more than just kinda; pretty big actually. But I don�t want you makin� a big deal about it because it�ll be fine I promise.� All Harry could do was sit there and wait for Jeffrey to get on with it. He could tell his son was really scared to tell him whatever it was, but he himself didn�t calculate a clue on what this was all about. �Well, Greg and I, we uh... broke up.� Jeff stayed silent, letting Harry seep that in. His face was unable to display emotion, but Jeff knew what he was probably thinking. �I ummm... caught him cheating on me with some other bloke.� The news hit Harry rather hard and a tear wept from his eye and trickled down his cheek. �Oh, come on now, mate. Don�t cry. I told you it�ll be okay.� Jeff reached out to wipe his father�s cheek dry. �It breaks me up to see you like this. You know it does.� Joyce was standing on the other side of the screen door. She had her hand to her mouth, feeling sympathy for the two. It hurt her as well to see Harry cry. She always felt so responsible for Harry�s position, ever since that dreadful New Years. Joyce had come along very well though, gaining Harry�s trust again. It was difficult because Harry could never say what was on his mind, but thanks to Jeff�s buzzer idea, Joyce was able to have conversations with him by asking yes or no questions. She knew that he forgave her and she was determined to make it up to him by being an excellent mother figure for Jeffrey. �But I promise it�ll be all right. I�ll meet someone else. Like you always said, Dad: There�s plenty more fish in the sea, �eh?� Harry didn�t know if he believed his son or not. Jeff had a knack for halting his quest for love after a break-up and needed the proper push from father to get going again. And now he was unable to do that. Jeff got off the rocker and returned it to its proper position on the porch. He leaned against the rail of the porch fence and sighed heavily, pushing a hand through his thick hair. �Well, I gotta push off, mate. Work calls. Gotta make people�s lives less shitty.� Jeff laughed, trying to change the mood with a joke. He kneeled over and gave his father a hug. Then, he went to the screen door and shouted, �Cya later, Joyce.� She didn�t want him to know that she was right there, so she waited a few seconds and then came to the door. She caught Jeffrey as he was exiting through the swinging fence door. �G�bye, Jeffrey. And good luck.� Jeff turned around and smiled. �Ta.� Harry held the buzzer down for about 5 seconds. That was his way to respond naturally to any given occasion; upon meeting someone, to say �hi� he�d do that. It was the same with things like �goodbye� and �I love you.� ~~~~~ A hard day�s work was a splendid relief for him; kept his mind and hands busy, not letting petty emotions reign supreme. Work was therapy for him. He had to focus all his energy on the job. But works only lasts so long. Eventually, he had to return to an empty house. He didn�t think of Greg much; just what to do to not be bored. Greg and Jeff always went out and did something, even if it was as simple as jogging around the block; just anything instead of being cooped up at home. Jeff didn�t feel like hitting the clubs just yet, but couldn�t think of anything to do to entertain himself for the evening. He went to his bedroom to sit down on his soft bed and listen to some music. On the stand next to his bed was an ornate 15 minute time glass. Often, he would tip it and watch the sand flow when he wanted to contemplate. And so he did and kept his vision on the heap of sand growing taller and taller; how it slipped through the cracks with such grace and ease; effortlessly, without care. Fifteen minutes passed by and Jeffrey never took his eyes off the time glass until the last grains passed through. He reversed the flow again and watched it for about 10 seconds. �Ah, the hell with this.� He was too used to going out every night; he couldn�t handle the boredom. He grabbed his car keys and left the house. Jeff had decided after all to pop down to The Prinny. ~~~~~ It felt weird to enter the club all by himself after having been in there handfuls of times with Greg on his arm. It left him with feeling alone and isolated, even though the club was full of action and sound. But then again, the whole point of single bars is for people that aren�t seeing anyone to meet someone. Jeff sat down at the main bar and ordered himself a beer. The night went on and on. No one approached him and he was too timid himself to approach guys himself. There was one bloke who sat next to him and they talked a bit, but it didn�t blossom into anything. He left shortly, tired of sitting around and waiting. He didn�t even know why he came so soon. They just broke up a day ago. There was no urgency in dating right away. Jeff returned home, popped a movie in the VCR, and then went to bed afterwards. Jeff wouldn�t have guessed it, but it would be over a year before he would begin dating again. He was turning 25 in a couple months, but it wouldn�t be until his 26th that he�d get his birthday surprise. And he�d long since give up hope by then; not only bad for him, but also making Joyce and Harry worry about his future. |