Hello. If you don’t know me, my name is Joshua Atwell. I am a Nichiren Buddhist, and also a recovering mental patient. I have been receiving treatment for over 23 years now. Depression permeates my whole life. It is the daily battle that I endure. For those of you who don’t know what this feels like, I wrote this poem:
Depression is like having your head cut off.
You see the world without eyes.
You hear the world without ears.
You eat food without a tongue to taste.
I have depression.
It’s often decapitating time.
Fugue is a good word.
In a room with no lights,
I sit.
In a world of sight, sounds, and tastes
I cannot feel.
Three years ago, I was a different person. My life was filled with superstitions, fear and jealousy. I spent my days in darkness, and the demons often came for me. I didn’t know how to fight them. I often hurt myself, both physically and mentally, just to if I could still feel. I was waiting for something, or someone, to save me from the nothing I had become. I didn’t know that the only one who could save me was me. I will not go any further into detail as I have to skim the surface. If I delve too deep, I will not be able to continue giving this experience. If only you could have seen how messed my life used to be! I am happy to say that today; I’m not that person any more.
Two and a half years ago, the weapons that I possessed to fight my inner war were only capable of bringing me to an unhappy stalemate. My friends introduced into my life the teachings and philosophy of Nichiren Daishonin. I am not going to sit here and tell that everything went perfect from that point on and that I am a much happier person since. I will tell you that I find myself having more JOY in my life. I still have to still fight against my demons, as everyone does. I can tell you that it was the perfect teaching to get me up off my butt. Now in the last two tears, I have embarked upon a path that was only a dream before now.
Chanting has brought up many of my inner demons to the forefront, things that I once wanted nothing more than to bury. I hadn’t seen many of them for a while, but when I began my practice, they showed their faces again. I don’t chant everyday. I don’t study everyday, but portions of the Lotus Sutra are in my head every waking moment. At any given second, I will find myself thinking about chanting, or simply chanting out loud. Nam Myoho Renge Kyo is settling onto every pore of my being, and I couldn’t be more at peace with it.
I have many friends in faith, including my avuncular friend Phil, my close friend Raven, my good friends Shawn and Kay, and all of my other friends in this district. I never really liked any religion until I found this one, with all of you. I’m no longer waiting for the miracle.
As of today, I am an enrolled student at Monroe Community College with a major in education. I plan on continuing after my two year degree, and becoming a fifth grade teacher. The only things which have allowed me to progress this far are Nam Myoho Renge Kyo and the support of our community of Buddhist friends.
I ‘m still waging my inner battles, but now the times of calm and peace are triumphing over the unhappiness, self-doubt, and misery that was my life. I am not one to proselytize, in fact, I tend to dislike evangelists. But I am glad to talk about my faith today, because I simply would not have been able to create such a positive change in myself and my life without all of the support I’ve received. My friends have helped me to focus on my goals instead of the obstacles that were in front of me. I hope you can realize just how much your advice and friendship has bolstered me. There were times when I resentful, miserable and felt lost. I almost succeeded in pushing everyone away, but I never really lost my faith.
Six months ago, I was given the opportunity to give the study presentation for the March Youth Celebration. Studying the Gohonzon has reinvigorated my faith and pulled me out of the dark pit I had slid into. Now my faith is stronger than ever. My practice will be given a new jolt of energy when I receive Gohonzon on August 7th at the Buffalo Kaikan, and studying is now a joy for me. Now the fight is no longer with my environment. It is truly my inner revolution. This will take a long time, but I know it will be worth it. I hope you will support me on my journey, as I will endeavor to support you on yours.
THANK YOU.