by Eddy Canfor-Dumas
(Originally published in a
1993 issue of SGI-UK’s “Art of Living,” formerly known as “UK Express”)
1990 was a bad year for divorce in
It’s a sobering thought. Yet for many people the sorry wreckage of so
many marriages in our society has not proved a deterrent to splicing the knot.
In love, it seems, hope truly does spring eternal.
To many others, though, the number of failed
marriages they can see has put them off the idea of matrimony, but not, it
seems, the idea of living together in a marriage-type relationship. Even here,
though, there is no guarantee that such a relationship is any more likely to
succeed than a ‘formal’ marriage. In fact, if the number of marriage-type
relationships that broke down could be counted, the overall proportion of
‘divorces’ to enduring relationships might be even higher.
And this is just counting heterosexual relationships. Add in the number
of homosexual partnerships that fail and one might wonder how it is that any
two people ever manage to stay together and build a successful relationship
through their lives.
There have been many reasons put forward as to why so many relationships
fail today – amongst others, the decline of the influence of the Church, the
advent of the Pill, the growing financial-independence of women and a rise of
intolerance generally between people. But whatever the reasons, two conclusions
at least can be drawn from the present state of affairs.
First, our judgement
as to who would make a good partner is not, on present
statistics, all that reliable. And second, even if we do manage to meet and
marry (or live with) Mr or Miss Right, our ability to sustain and develop that
relationship is frequently tested to breaking point.
Given that, for many people, an enduring and emotionally satisfying (and
almost certainly monogamous) relationship with another person is a goal most
devoutly to be wished, what does Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism have to offer on
these two fundamental problems. –
finding the right partner and then working at the relationship so it grows and
flourishes, ‘till death do us part’?
Before answering those questions, it is important to understand that,
for those practising Nichiren Daishonin’s teachings, the most fundamental
relationship he or she can have is with the Gohonzon, not with another person.
This is because the purpose of Buddhist practice is to establish absolute and
unshakeable happiness within one’s own life, and to teach others how to do the
same. Essentially this is achieved through chanting
A woman who devotes herself to the Gohonzon
invites happiness in this life; and in the next, the Gohonzon will be with her
and protect her always (Major Writings, Vol.1, p.213).
He is even more direct in the Gosho Happiness in this World:
There is no greater happiness for human beings
than chanting
This is a difficult lesson to learn, however, living as we do in a
society which places romantic love alongside wealth, fame and beauty as perhaps
the most desirable of all goals. One might actually say that the real struggle
in practising Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism lies in truly accepting the reality
that happiness lies within your own life; in developing and revealing your
Buddha nature more and more; in discovering your own unique mission in this
world; and should not rely on external – and ultimately unreliable – factors
like your relationship with your lover or spouse.
In fact, Buddhism has traditionally viewed romantic love with ambivalence,
if not downright negativity. This is because desire – including romantic desire
– is intimately and inevitably bound up with suffering. . (see
‘Basics of Buddhism, pp31-2) Only the altruistic ‘love’ for others – comparable
to the compassionate love of parents for their children – is seen in a positive
light. This love – called jihi in
Buddhism – is best exemplified in traditional Buddhist teachings by the
merciful actions of Shakyamuni Buddha, based on his
desire to remove suffering and five happiness to all living
beings.
All very well, you might think, but what has this got to do with the
real world, where we often find it difficult to get on with our nearest and
dearest, let alone feel any stirrings of compassion for ‘all living beings’?
Where we fancy each other, fall in love, have affairs
and one-night stands? Where we fight and scream, then kiss and make up – or
break up?
The answer touches on the basic difference between the ‘traditional’
Buddhism associated with Shakyamuni and the Buddhism
of Nichiren Daishonin. Whereas traditional Buddhist teachings stress the
necessity of trying to eliminate desire to avoid suffering, Nichiren Daishonin
teaches that desire is an unavoidable and fundamental aspect of human life.
Quite simply, if we had no desires we would never do anything. Even to live,
for example, we have to want to go on living.
So instead of suppressing our earthly desires, Nichiren Daishonin taught
that through chanting for them we can attain enlightened happiness. As he
states:
When one chants
In short, what this means in the context
of relationships is that, through chanting
A good starting-point in
answering this question might be to ask why one wants ‘a relationship’ – put in
apostrophes, thus, because often we seem to regard this intimate connection
with another human being almost as a commodity; a ‘thing’ to be desired and
possessed and then, as with a car whose performance doesn’t quite match our
expectations, discarded or exchanged for another. (Perhaps we should add the
dominance of the values of materialism to the list of why so many relationships
fail these days.)
Of course, there are many
reasons why one should want a close relationship with another person: for
company; for sex; for a family; for status; security, money; to be ‘grown-up’ or
to escape from one’s family; for vanity – the kudos of ‘catching’ someone
generally admired or desired; or the impulse to mother or lord it over another
person. And then there’s the intoxicating rapture of simply falling head over
heels in love – the true ‘magic’ of
romantic love, where reason flies out of the window and we are borne along on a
tide of passion.
More prosaically, though, our
motives are usually mixed together into a vague, generalized longing for ‘a
relationship’, which often seems to proceed meeting anyone ‘special’. Rather,
we simply look for someone to fit the template of the ideal partner we have
constructed in our minds.
One thing these motives have
in common, however, is that they are directed outwards. They are based on the
assumption that the other person will make us happy by filling some kind of
void in our lives. This, Buddhism teaches, is a mistake.
A relationship with another
person might provide many of the things listed above – stimulating
companionship, a fulfilling sexual relationship and a happy, healthy family
life are among the basic joys of human existence. But to base one’s happiness
on it is to fail to recognize the essential instability of the situation. A
lifelong companion, however wonderful, will eventually die. Even the best
sexual relationship can suffer if other factors alter. And as one’s children
grow and mature, their attitude towards their parents
can often change for the worse.
So one of the main purposes
of chanting about our attitude to relationships is to understand what lies at
its root. Is it fear of loneliness? The desire to be loved
because, in our heart of hearts, we are so unsure of our true worth? Or simply a restless sexual energy?
When
a husband is happy, his wife will be fulfilled. If a husband is a thief, his
wife will become one, too. This is not a matter of this life alone. A man and
wife are as close as a body and shadow, flowers and fruit, or roots and leaves,
in every existence of life (Major writings, Vol.1, p.146).
This observation is
based on the Buddhist principle of the Ten Worlds. Buddhism teaches that all
people share ten basic life conditions – Hell, Hunger, Animality,
Anger, Tranquility, Rapture, Learning, Realization, Boddhisatva
and Buddhahood, all of which have certain characteristics.
Hell is the world of
suffering; Hunger is the world of insatiable desire; Animality
is the world of the instinct. Anger is dominated by the ego, Tranquillity (Humanity) by calmness, Rapture by momentary pleasure, Learning is characterized by the desire to learn
from the teachings of others, Realization by the desire to improve oneself
through one’s own efforts, and Boddhisatva by the
exercise of compassion. Buddhahood, which is revealed through chanting
Everyone tends to live
predominantly in one or two of these life conditions, which, although they are
displayed according to the personality of each individual, retain their basic
characteristics. Thus, one person might be brash and boastful and another
quietly superior, but both are exhibiting aspects of the world of Anger, the
ego.
The important thing about
this, as far as relationships go, is that we tend to be attracted to those
people who share the same basic life condition as ourselves.
A person in the grip of Animality, for instance, will take every opportunity to
indulge in instinctive pleasures – sex, food, drink, sleep – usually with
little thought for the consequences of his actions. He will tend to be
attracted to someone who is also in the grip of Animality,
even though the object of his attentions might not exhibit all the same aspects
of the life condition. For instance, both might share an appetite for sex and
alcohol, but one might consistently defer to the wishes of the other in all
other matters – as Nichiren Daishonin says of Animality,
‘It is the nature of beasts to threaten the weak and fear the strong’ (Major
Writings, Vol.1, p.34).
Exactly how the Ten Worlds
operate in individuals can be extremely subtle, and there is no space here to analyse all their various nuances. And they are by no means
all bad. Each of the Ten Worlds has both negative and positive aspects (except
Buddhahood, which is wholly positive), so if we are fortunate enough to be
dominated by, say, the positive aspects of the world of Tranquility (or Humanity)
– clear, reasoned judgment – our chances of forging a successful relationship
will be much higher than if we are in the clutches of Hell, whether or not we
chant Nam myoho renge kyo.
Even so, as we chant about
our present and past relationships, we begin to identify which of the Ten
Worlds have been dominant in them. Almost invariably, we see that we have been
attracted to the same type of person, ‘chosen’ by our own dominant life state.
This pattern Buddhism calls
our ‘karma’, habitual behaviour which we are bound to
repeat. Take the couple described above. If the man begins to despise his
partner’s weakness and continual deference – one of the very things that
attracts him in the first place – he might eventually end the relationship.
Being dominated by Animality, however, he is only
attracted to those who share characteristics similar to the person he has just
left. They might appear in a different form –this time, for instance, he might
play the subservient role – but essentially he will find himself in the same
kind of relationship.
Breaking
the pattern.
It is to break out
of the pattern imposed on us by our karma that we chant. As we do so and
reflect on our actions, we begin to see our motives more clearly. And after a
time (it varies from person to person), if we conclude that our attitude is
based on the negative aspects of one of the Ten Worlds – especially the ‘lower
worlds’ of Hell, Hunger, Animality, Anger,
Tranquility or Rapture – we determine to challenge and change it, for the
happiness of both ourselves and our partner (present or future).
At the same time we
struggle to base our relationships increasingly on the world of Buddhahood,
with its deep respect for the inherent dignity of life and for the fundamental
equality of all people. For ultimately, Buddhism teaches, it is a relationship
based on shared goals, respect and equality that stands more chance of enduring
and growing than one based on passion, romance or unrealistic expectations of
our partner’s ability to make us happy. As Nichiren Daishonin states:
Explain all this to your wife, and work together like the sun and the
moon, a pair of eyes, or the two winds of a bird. With the sun and the moon,
how can you fall into the path of darkness? With a pair of eyes, how can you
fail to behold the faces of Shakyamuni, Taho and all the other Buddhas of
the universe? With a pair of wings, you will surely be able to fly in an
instant to the Buddha land of eternal happiness (Major Writings, Vol.2,
p.231).
What does this mean
in practical terms? First, if we are not involved with anyone at present but
wish to be, it means making a strong determination to meet the right person for
our happiness – which also means the right person for kosen-rufu – and then, effectively, forgetting
about it. Lodged deep in our lives, the desire to meet the right person,
coupled with a strong daily practice, will eventually draw that person to us when the time is right.
In the meantime,
instead of being obsessed with having ‘a relationship’ and feeling sorry for
ourselves that we are alone, we can concentrate on creating value in our
society and growing as strong and independent individuals – who are, anyway,
generally more attractive to others than those who are always desperately
seeking someone.
‘The right partner
for kosen-rufu’ does not mean, however, that
there will only ever be one person ‘out there’ with whom we can possibly build
a happy relationship, whom we somehow hunt out with our chanting; neither does
it mean that he or she should necessarily be a Buddhist.
There may, in fact,
be more than one person with whom we forge successful, creative relationships
on the path of our human revolution towards finding our partner for life. They
may or may not be Buddhists (although this would be hard with someone
vehemently and consistently opposed to our practice). And even if our partner
never chants, if we do our utmost to respect and support him or her in the fulfillment
of his or her unique purpose in this life, he or she will respect and support
us in turn, and help us fulfill our unique purpose, too.
In this context,
chanting is a means of developing sufficient good fortune, through our
thoughts, words and deeds based on Buddhahood, to be in the right position to
meet the right person at the right time. Chanting also helps us develop enough
wisdom to recognize the potential that exists in that other person (and any
existing relationship we might have), and then to decide whether to act or not.
So, secondly, once
we meet someone to whom we are attracted, we should chant seriously before we
become romantically (or sexually) involved with him or her. We need the wisdom
(and courage) of our Buddhahood to look clearly and honestly at the nature of
our attraction. And if our wisdom counsels against involvement, we must listen
to it – or face the inevitable consequences. Our karma to be drawn to a certain
type of person may be very strong, but if we have suffered from it in the past,
it is only by not succumbing to it now that we can hope to change our
pattern of unhappy relationships.
Sex and ‘the
learning curve’
But isn’t all this
chanting before falling into someone’s arms (or bed) just frankly unrealistic?
What about passion? Excitement? Romance?
Does Buddhism really advocate sex only within the bounds of marriage or a
life-long commitment? If we don’t become involved in the first place, how can
we ever know whether or not we want to commit ourselves to this other person?
And surely people learn from experience and even ‘failed’ relationships can
teach us something?
These are all good
questions. In addressing them, it might be useful to bear a couple of points in
mind.
First, attitudes to
relationships, particularly sexual relationships, vary according to the age and
the culture of any society. Broadly speaking, in this country, we have
alternated between eras of sexual repression and sexual permissiveness, often
running the two in parallel – historically (and hypocritically), for example,
there have been different standards of sexual behavior for men and women.
Currently, we are going through a stage of sexual permissiveness, where many
people feel that it is perfectly natural – indeed, even healthy – to have a number
of different sexual partners before settling down with ‘the chosen one’,
supposedly for life.
The important
question – certainly in terms of Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism – is not one of
morality but pragmatism. Quite simply, have our current fashions led to greater
happiness? To longer, stronger relationships? The
answer can hardly be an unqualified ‘yes’.
Take ‘trial
marriages’ – living together before deciding to make a legal commitment. A
recent study by the Office of Population Censuses and Surveys came to the
startling conclusion that, of couples who married for the first time in the
early 1980’s, those who had previously lived together were fifty per cent
more likely to have divorced after five years of marriage – and sixty per
cent more likely to have divorced after eight years of marriage – than similar
couples who had not lived together.
Of course, the
length of a relationship is by no means the only criterion by which it should
be judged – it can be long and miserable. But even modern relationship
counselors stress the importance of first making a conscious commitment – such
as marriage – for it to succeed. This is in line with the Buddhist teaching of
cause and effect: a person who drifts into a relationship with no conscious
commitment is actually making the cause (by, in effect, sub-consciously leaving
the door open) to bale out at some point in the future when his needs are no
longer satisfied by his partner – with all the suffering that this will
inevitably entail. Even truly good sex depends on the mutual trust, respect and
relaxation that comes from an enduring, secure
relationship.
Second, we have to
ask ourselves whether we really do learn from failed, short-term relationships.
Or do we actually just reinforce our karmic tendencies and strengthen our
expectations of failure next time around? Certainly, to judge by the number of
times many of us fail, we seem to learn very slowly, if ever. After all, few
people would advocate learning to drive by continually crashing the car.
This is why chanting
is so vital. It doesn’t guarantee we won’t make mistakes – even Buddhists get
divorced – but it can shorten the odds considerably, both in allowing us to be
open to the right person, and also in helping us over the hurdles that are
present in any relationship, through an ability to turn ‘poisons’ into
‘medicine’.
What’s gone
wrong?
Once in a
relationship, then, it follows that we must chant seriously about all of the
problems that it will inevitably throw up, however minor they might seem at the
time – for, in Everett’s words, ‘Tall oaks from little acorns grow.’
Buddhism teaches
that however passionate two people are at the start of their relationship, over
the course of time the intensity of that feeling will fade and change. This is
because romantic love is all too often a manifestation of the world of Rapture,
which is, by definition, short-lived. The passing of the rapturous phase does
not necessarily mean that the couple will have stopped loving each other –
although some people think this is what has happened and can get very worried –
but that other aspects of the Ten Worlds have come to the fore.
For example, through
the rose-tinted spectacles of Rapture, Ms A is beguiled by Mr
B’s easy-going charm. But as Rapture fades, as it must, she’s increasingly
irritated by what she now sees as his laziness and refusal ever to take a stand
on anything. In other words, the Tranquility that attracted her has begun to
repel her.
It is in this
confrontation with the reality of two people living their daily life together
that the wisdom of Buddhism once again reveals itself. Buddhism recognizes the
full force of the negative side of life in relationships and consciously seeks
to use it in a positive way, as the words of guidance given at the SGI-UK
wedding service show:
Through their united resolve before the Gohonzon to create a wonderfully
harmonious yet essentially progressive unit of society, founded on the rock of
their deep respect for each others lives, [husband and wife] draw out from each
other the three poisons of anger, greed and stupidity which might otherwise
afflict their family life with misery for their lifetime.
In other words, by
committing ourselves to a life of close intimacy with another person, the three
poisons are drawn to the surface of our lives so that we can see them clearly
and then, by taking them to the Gohonzon, chant about
and eventually transform them. The wedding guidance continues:
At the same time, through their victory in this struggle, they are able
to send out waves of peace and friendship, not only to the community which
immediately surrounds them, but the whole country and the whole world.
This, to is an
important point, for while it is necessary for two people to confront and
overcome the problems they have between them, a healthy relationship is not one
which is forever turned in on itself in self-absorption. Rather, by looking
outwards to the contribution it can make as a unit to society, it is forever
being stimulated, fed and refreshed.
In these two aspects
of relationships – working out our joint problems and engaging with our wider
society – honest communications between the couple is vital. In the words of
SGI-UK General Director Richard Causton, ‘We change
from day to day; so does our environment. Without communication, any
relationship must become sterile and out of date, losing its sensitivity and
direction. Truly, there is wisdom in the old suggestion: “Let’s have a talk
about it over a cup of tea”. A day should never pass without
husband and wife exchanging thoughts and feelings, as well as news and
information, over a cuppa – or something stronger’
(Marriage and Relationships’, UK Express No 222, December 1989).
Final thoughts
To sum up a Buddhist
approach to relationships, then: first, it is important not to rely on a
relationship for our happiness. Rather, we should aim to become happy, strong
and independent through our practice, and then found a relationship on that
basis.
Second, if we have
suffered a pattern of unhappy relationships, we can chant to discover what it
is in us that is attracting the wrong sort of person,
and then struggle to change it by revealing and increasingly strengthening our
Buddha nature.
Third, it is always
advisable to chant a lot before becoming intimately involved with anyone, and
act on the Buddha wisdom that our chanting draws up.
Fourth, our
relationship is a prime opportunity for us to further our ‘human revolution’ by
accepting full responsibility for every aspect of the relationship. We do this
by taking every problem we have to the Gohonzon, and sharing our thoughts and
feelings honestly with our partner, without fear.
Fifth, our
relationship will definitely be strengthened if we look outwards as a couple,
to the world around us, and work together to create value for others in our
society.
And finally, perhaps
we could bear in mind the following words of SGI President Daisaku
Ikeda. They refer to husband and wife, but are equally applicable to any couple
who have made a deep and lasting commitment to each other:
‘Since a husband and
wife must continue to share joys and sorrows throughout their lives, it is
vital that they share not only love but also a way of thought and philosophy,
especially religion, as a foundation of life. It is a wonderful life if you can
advance together with the same goals based on this foundation.
‘A variety of
problems naturally arise in the course of life. The important thing is for the
married couple to strive to understand each other with mutual love, based on a
determination to live together throughout their lives.
‘Two people who love
each other should be full of vitality, guided by the Mystic Law. They should
pursue the kind of love that will win the admiration of others. They should not
have the kind of relationship which prevents their advancement in faith or
impedes their self-reformation or makes them stand out like two birds
frolicking in the darkness….
‘I have heard that
there are many cases in which discord between husband and wife ends up in
divorce. This seems to be a global trend. However, I am convinced that if one
of the two is staunch enough to make a deep determination to work towards
reconciliation, they can definitely overcome the problem existing between them.
Basing yourself on unshakable faith is of the utmost significance (Buddhism
in Action, Vol. 1, pp.116-8).
A great relationship
is full of joy, challenge and growth, offering opportunities for giving and
receiving love and responsibility found in few other situations. A bad
relationship is hell. With Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism, anyone can
achieve the first – if he or she wishes.
[END]
Notes
by an unknown member:
I
said, OK, Gohonzon, if I can't chant this feeling away, I'm going to chant FOR
him. If this is bad, let me know, help me to get over this. But if it isn't, I
want to be his wife.
My advice for
all those who are looking, would be to ask Gohonzon (yourself) when you are
chanting: What do I need to do to be a person who will attract, and be able to
keep, a commitment with the right person — a person with whom I can have a
healthy, happy marriage/relationship and who will work with me for kosen rufu?