Philos4

       A thought echoes in my tiny brain, it fills me with sadness and ambition. Sadness that some things in my life were disasters, mistakes that I made out of my own free will. I feel the pull of ambition because I think I can become a stronger person through this. I am too lazy, I think. Too passive. I have dreams, I have wants for the future. What did I learn in 9th grade English? Very little, me thinks. (he he he) I feel like my pride is constantly at war with everyone else in existence. Friends, family, all of them can be both enemy and ally. No one from my 8th grade English class was processed to attend Tag, the few people from Bennett Middle were forced into CM instead. The ones that did, well, only Kurt did, he compained. His family asserted his intelligence, mine did not. I did not protest, I did not complain, I merely coped. I swallowed my pride and I forced myself to endure it. I didn't become a proud person; I became a more complicated person.

       Emotional preparedness, bah! We are children, yes, as we will be until freed from our first bonds, to mother and father. This does not happen when we go off to college or start our own family. It happens when they are dead. True, different ages have different levels of maturity...When I was young and something which was beyond my understanded flashed before my eyes, I asked questions and wondered. I still find things beyond my understanding, but a few weeks of concentration is all I could ever need. Usually. What can I say to make myself mature? Nothing. But people PERCEIVE maturity even if it does not exist. Perhaps Mrs. Huff was correct, perhaps we are not correct, perhaps we are not ready. I think that something is gained. I think that we can understand reasons for living. I believe that teenagers have this turning point, an emotional climax to their age. At this point, you begin to question everything. You accept the fact that there is only one reality, yours. Religion is fascinating. Confirmation begins much too early. They are teaching youth religion that they are powerless to argue against. We believe older people who never questioned anything themselves. Perhaps some are true. True believers do exist, and they should be respected, if not admired. We should begin at 13, and advance forward. Are the churches offering incentives for kids to attend? Can this be an end to the drive for self renewal? Can religion teach people their "truth" without offering alternatives? I can understand why they don't teach other religions, but does that make it right? They do not want to lose their future congregations, that is who we are. In a few years, we will be taking our newlywed and kids to our own Churches, holding their hands as we try to find an altar for our family. We will be taking our kids to the exact same places our parents took us, unfortunately. The future lies within people and the growth of new ideas, nothing can happen without the continued support and aid of people like you and me. The question is, are we emotionally ready? Are we ever ready for accepting and believing a reason for living? Can anyone reach that point, or just a few?

      A person should make up their own mind. It is rare in my life that I have ever held a true opinion, and writing that makes me feel both silly and embarrassed, which I can never spell right. (I checked it with my thesaurus, sweet) Isn't it ironic that as a proponent of inner wisdom and the unequivocable universal self-reliance, I can not even decide on my beliefs on a single political issue. My problem is that I can see both sides well enough that I do not know what to believe. The only thing worse than believing the worng thing is not believing anything at all. Can I take pride in my inflexibility, or should I be ashamed of my indecisiveness? I don't know, honest. All I want to do is enjoy life, and spend some time with the people that I love and care for, all two of them. I wouldn't mind being with other people as well, but it isn't as...well....important to me. I know, but life can be so lonely at times that all you ever want to do is find someone to talk to. I guess I am just in one of those moods now, excuse me if this seems depressing or pessimistic to a later viewer, but I know that at least I am being honest about my feelings. That counts for something, however little.

      Regardless, life moves on, the never ending struggle continues...