| I suppose it is about time that I updated this website of mine. Sorry about that, folks! But, I promise you that this should be worth it. After reviewing my other articles on the main page, I realized that a huge part of my life was missing. To put it simply, it's love. I think I have attempted to write about it before, but never with sufficient experience or understanding. Well, I would like to write about love today, and while I cannot promise the sonnets of Shakespeare or the poems of Goethe, I will try to deliver the best of what I have to offer. Love is a unique experience to each and every person. We each experience it differently because we have different experiences to compare it with, and the uniqueness of love comes about through those unique comparisons. To the hormone driven teen, sexuality is so central to their self-esteem and personal happiness that what they appreciate most about love is sexual release and satisfaction. Love and sexual attractiveness become so intertwined that it takes years of a steady relationship before they realize how primitve a definition of love this is. But this primitive understanding is necessary because there is a kernel of truth to this that is the seed for the next great understanding. Once one admits that their sexual satisfaction is rooted in personal inadequacy, that autoeroticism simply is an unrewarding lifestyle, then they will begin to realize that they need a companion for rewarding sexuality. Their understanding of why is quite dim at this stage, since it is still strongly influenced by their sexual dependency. But this realization, that we are sexually dependent on another, is greeted with a variety of emotional responses. Some might simply accept it, and work to maximize their personal satisfaction in the relationship. Others might deny this after reflecting on their own experience, saying that autoeroticism satisfies every conceivable need (but still an achievement because they came to the realization, and are responding to it). Still others might bitterly resent this fact, and prevent any relationship from achieving any kind of emotional depth through break-ups and hook-ups. Their emotional response will influence the kinds of experiences they have, many responses will upset the individual until they realize what they are missing, others will keep the individual still further in denial. The next step is particularly interesting to me, partly because I'm still deeply entrenched within it. At some point in the man's life, he is going to realize that he is both physically and emotionally dependent upon his loved one. He'll realize that he really does care about what happened to her during the day, and that her feelings will directly or indirectly influence him. Before, it required almost no effort to distance one's emotions from what she was experiencing, and her sadness only influenced you if you weren't careful. Now, the mere fact that she's upset is upsetting to him. Even on a great day for the guy, his happiness can evaporate in as brief an instant as a woman's bitter sigh. On the flip side, her happiness can make his best days even better, and her inner joy can rescue him from the deepest of depressions. How one responds to this is, once again, varied. Some will simply accept it and move on. Others will attempt to revert back to their old ways, and to avoid her on her bad days to protect their emotional stability. Still others will deny their emotional dependency, and act as if they do not care about what happens to another. They can act in this way because their lack of emotional depth prohibits them from becoming deeply influenced by another's emotional state. Is there another stage? I believe so. What is next is what I might call the working relationship. In this state, both the man and the woman have agreed upon the acceptable ways in which they can relate on an emotional and physical level. After a lot of practice and experience, they will realize that they have achieved the ideal relationship. Both know how to respond to their partner's emotional situation, and have developed both verbal and nonverbal techniques for signalling the desired response from their partner. This process begins as soon as they start dating, but it achieves a kind of consistency and stability at this point. This stability is built upon mutual trust and understanding, and it is achieved through extensive effort and wisdom. Try though we might, Emily and I are not there yet. But, we're making loads of progress, and we've come a long way from two and a half years ago. However, over this winter break and into next semester, we will put our achievements to the test when we brave seven months of separation. My trip to China and her trip to Ireland will put every conceivable stress on our relationship, and we have accepted that burden. If we can get through it, if we can return to the States as committed and devoted to each other as we are now, then we will prove to ourselves that we can make it work. I've got my fingers crossed :) Is there a stage after that? It's hard to say, since achieving that ideal working relationship seems like a noble enough accomplishment! Doubtlessly, there is room for greater depth and understanding in any relationship, but I still think that that kind of depth is not as substantial a change in the quality of the relationship as the proper working relationship. Still, and I hope this rings true for others, love is a constantly refined beauty that actively works towards ever greater happiness and joy. It's beauty is measured not by some universal standard, but by how meaningful and appropriate it is to those that delight in love. Let us all be craftsmen of love! - The Dark Dachshund |
| Love and Learning |